Read This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life Online
Authors: Dannielle Owens-Reid,Kristin Russo
This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (18 page)
Our journey began with us fighting against each other, our eyes and ears closed. Neither of us wanted to budge on our beliefs or hear what the other was saying. Slowly, though, I began to hear her. I began to hear that she was afraid. After some time, she also began to hear me and think about how my experience might inform her beliefs. We prayed, we talked, we leaned on our faith, and we gradually journeyed together (and apart) to a new place of understanding. It isn’t that my mom is never fearful about the future, but she has come to accept the things that she cannot change, and embrace the things she knows to be true. She knows that I work every day to be a kind, compassionate person, she knows that she loves me, and she knows that God loves me. Her focus is no longer set on what “might” happen, but rather on God as love
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Kristin
A:
Kristin’s mother went on a very personal journey with her faith after finding out that her daughter was gay. Those who are grappling with similar struggles may have a variety of understandings of life after death, heaven and hell, or their relationship to religion itself. Some people view heaven and hell as literal, factual places. Others consider heaven and hell to be abstract ideas or metaphors. While there is no singular understanding of hell (or how one gets there), your concern most likely stems from the conflict between your unwavering love for your child and your understanding of what may happen to them in the afterlife.
In the first few days after discovering that Kristin was gay, her mother went to speak to their parish priest. She sat down with him and began to tell him what was happening and that she was scared. He asked her to pause, and said to her, “You must be a very special parent to have a child who is willing and able to talk to you about this experience. I want you to know, before you continue, that God asks us to never close our door to anyone. Not our children, not our friends, not anyone. Always listen to your child. Always keep your door open to her.”
Kristin’s mother has never forgotten those words, and has carried that message with her along the bumpy road of reexamining faith and religion. Most people who practice any kind of religion can agree that the most consistent message found at that religion’s core is one that equates God, or a higher power, with love. Love for
one another, kindness toward our neighbors, generosity, honesty, and compassion are all tenets of most religions. Hold tight to this message as you journey through this challenging time with your child.
As a spiritual person, the best thing to do when you do not—and cannot—know the answer to something is to pray, and to strive to keep an open heart and mind. Pray for guidance, pray for faith, pray for deeper understanding. Allow yourself to be open to an evolving understanding of your faith and of heaven and hell. It might not be as you thought it was, it might not be what any of us think it is, but it is certain and clear that you love your child, and you love God.
There may always be moments of doubt and fear when it comes to thinking about your child and life after death; truthfully, many of us have those concerns about ourselves and those close to us, no matter what our sexualities. Continue to love your child, and do your best to hear what they have to say. This will help you understand more about the complexities of their life, and how their experience relates to your faith. You don’t have to agree with their choices completely, but the more you open your heart and mind to the knowledge that God loves your child just as much as you do, the easier it will be to continue to trust in that love and use it to help guide you on this journey.
Q:
This goes against my beliefs, but I want to support my child.
A:
Those are not mutually exclusive statements. You can love and support a person amid differing beliefs. What’s more, belief is not necessarily a stagnant thing. The passage of time, meeting new people, and an array of various life experiences impact the way we view the world around us. Some of those moments further solidify an existing faith or set of values; others shift and reshape those views. As people, we are always learning and always re-understanding the world around us.
At this moment, you are in the midst of a journey that involves both your love for your child and how that love intersects with your beliefs. It’s important to have conversations with others, paired with a readiness to learn and grow. Speak to your friends and family about your concerns and your fears, and talk to your child about these feelings as well. Ask your child how their beliefs inform and shape their understanding of themselves; remember that they also have a relationship with faith, and that their sexuality may intersect with their beliefs in many ways. You may find that your child has read up on certain aspects of their faith and can share the things that have helped them reconcile their own beliefs. You may discover that your child is feeling lost as well, and that together you can talk and look for tools to help you learn more about your beliefs and your religion.
Catalina—a Catholic who raised her children in the same faith—has a son who came out to her at fifteen. After he came out, Catalina asked many questions about her religion, examined several translations of the Bible, and found herself continually returning to the sentiment of God as love and the creator of everything and everyone. She connected this sentiment with the feeling that she and her son were both here for a reason, saying, “Maybe my son is gay so that he can help educate people about what that means. Maybe the reason I’m here is to support him. It can be very hard when you’re Christian or Catholic, but ultimately, my religion is between me and God, not me and the world.”
You may find that after your own exploration, you arrive at a different understanding of your faith—perhaps one that will bring you closer to your child. You may also find that this journey toward a better understanding is powerful and solidifies your current beliefs, and you may not find a way to completely reconcile your faith with your child’s sexuality. That is okay. You love your child, which means that you can also respect their beliefs. So long as that mutual respect exists, there will be room for an evergrowing dialogue.
In the Resources on
page 233
, you’ll find tools to help you develop a larger conversation around faith and sexuality. Use these resources to delve deeper into this reflective process, and to assist you in helping to better understand faith, family, and sexuality.
A PARENT’S PERSPECTIVE
“We took our family to a more accepting congregation.”
My son came out to us a little over a year ago. My wife and I, for some blessed reason, were able to rapidly traverse the landmine-ridden, 180-degree, whiplash-inducing evolution from actively opposing gay marriage to becoming supportive, loving parents of a gay young man. The catalyst was our son, Jordan; but the medium of our transformation was simply Christlike love. The hand of the Lord was present before Jordan came out, shaping our thoughts and preparing us. Since then, we have been guided and led from time to time, but the Lord is definitely letting us learn and grow by experience. We have also felt His hand in the new and wonderful relationships we have with many LGBT friends.
We have found that our journey is not typical. As we have become fully aware of the journey and circumstances of many others, we have begun to appreciate the hardship and difficulty of the LGBT experience. In addition, we have started to realize the complexity of understanding homosexuality and all its facets.
My wife, Wendy, and I began reaching out to family members and friends shortly after Jordan came out to us. We met with our bishop. We began meeting one by one with Jordan’s youth leaders, school leaders, and people we felt would be understanding and in a position to help. We were looking for acceptance and support for Jordan as well as for ourselves.
By and large our family and community have been pretty good to Jordan. To their credit, all of our family members have treated Jordan no differently than before. Many would find this to be an unparalleled success. And to be sure, it is success; but Wendy and I have found ourselves wanting more.
Is acceptance the same as support? Jordan does very well in most social and church environments, but the more “gay” his mannerisms, the more uncomfortable and cool his acceptance gets. When we are more vocal about our advocacy for inclusion of LGBT people, we are often met with an uncommitted and profound silence. Not from those who actively oppose such things, but from many of those who profess support.
Most in our Church looked at our situation with pity, sorrow, and some sympathy, but most real support was hindered by an unwillingness to consider accepting realities outside of official teachings. Relationships I had enjoyed with church friends for more than ten years dried up and disappeared in a matter of weeks. Many expressed sadness that we were “suffering” with a tremendous challenge, but that there was really no room for compromise on perceived cultural threats. We felt very isolated within our community and I realized that the net effect was that we were being shunned.
There was no organized effort to push us out of the church, but when you collectively look down on people, the result is the same. My wife and I eventually took our family to a more accepting congregation, but I still look back with bitterness at the wasteland of long-term friendships lost. It is hard to separate the collective rejection we
experienced from being rejected by God and our religious heritage. It is especially hard for my older teenage children who can’t make distinctions between uncharitable members and the church itself.
My faith endures on the strength of my personal relationship with my Savior. I know He loves my son as fully today as before I knew Jordan was gay. He always knew who my son was. I don’t have everything figured out, but I know that my love will be a better example to my son of my Savior’s love than anything else learned in Church.
Tom, 52
Q:
I want my child to be happy, but I feel that marriage should be reserved for a man and a woman.
A:
There are two ways of understanding marriage: legally and spiritually. Legal marriage determines and affects legal rights such as taxes, property ownership, and health care, while marriage within religious institutions reflects a commitment as recognized in the eyes of a higher power. These are two exceptionally different understandings of one word, which is why the larger discussion around gay marriage is often very muddled. Ask yourself: Is your issue that you do not believe your child is entitled to have equal legal rights, or is your issue that you do not think that your higher power will (or should) recognize their union? Or are your religious views affecting your perspective on the legal end of things?
Marriage, in the legal sense, plays a critical part in ensuring that your child is protected. This means that should your kid ever become ill and be in a hospital, their partner will have the ability to be by their side, supporting and loving them. It means that if your child loses a partner with whom they have shared a home for twenty years, they will not have to pay taxes on the inheritance of that home. If their partner has health care, your child will also be able to receive those benefits. Legal marriage means that if your child and their partner decide to have children, they will not have to wait
months, or even years, for both of their names to be legally placed on that child’s birth certificate. Legal marriage is about legal rights, period.
In a religious context, marriage can mean many different things. There are certain religions that welcome gay marriage, and others that do not. Many religions will not perform certain marriages within their places of worship because they believe that their higher power would not support such a union, and, as such, neither can their congregation. This is where a personal understanding of faith enters into the picture, yet again. You may not feel that your higher power would recognize your child’s union. However, your child may feel very differently, and may believe that their higher power can and will recognize the love they share with their partner. You can still love and respect your child and their partner while holding different understandings of faith.
If your kid wants to have a wedding ceremony, it won’t be in a place that does not accept their union. Your child’s wedding does not represent a demand that everyone adjust their religious beliefs—and this includes you. For many, spiritual marriage is about declaring love for another person in front of the people that they hold most dear, and, for some, in front of the higher power in which they believe. You can love your child and their partner, and be present as one of those people held most dear, without having to share their spiritual beliefs. You can also support gay marriage in a legal regard, in order to ensure that your child is protected, without having to make a final declaration on your religious views.
Just as we wouldn’t fight to strip away the rights of someone who practices a different religion, so too should we feel confident in our relationship with our faith without taking away the rights of others to marry. As with anything else related to spirituality, your beliefs may change as time progresses. This is not an indicator of failure, but rather an indicator that you are growing as a person, and that your faith is growing along with you. Work to remain a consistent presence in your child’s life and to not close the door to them, their partners, or their own spiritual views.