Read This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life Online
Authors: Dannielle Owens-Reid,Kristin Russo
This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (22 page)
If your child is under eighteen, it is important to work with a competent doctor who is familiar with transgender children. Puberty can be exceptionally traumatic for transgender kids. Erika Lynn said that, for her, puberty was traumatic, not because of the actual physical changes that happened to her body but because of the associations she had with those changes, and the way people treated her during that time. “It wasn’t my facial hair or armpit hair that made me feel uncomfortable,” she explained. “The jokes people made about how I was ‘finally a man’ or that I was going to start looking like a ‘hairy gorilla,’ or comments about how I appeared to others as more manly and masculine, was something I completely disassociated with.” Because of this potential discomfort and trauma, many families choose to use hormone blockers, which hold off puberty until the child is mature enough, mentally, to give informed consent for hormone use. This will give them the time to explore their gender identity without making a premature decision. Amy’s daughter, Sera, is thirteen and is currently on Lupron,
which is a hormone suppresser. Amy decided to allow Sera to be on Lupron until she’s eighteen, at which point she can choose whether to begin estrogen. She is under the care of an endocrinologist, so she will make that decision with her doctor. It is very rare for doctors to prescribe gender hormones for children under the age of eighteen.
Talk to your kid as much as you can about your questions and concerns, and keep an open, ongoing dialogue as things progress. If your child is uncertain, ask if they would be interested in counseling. An experienced therapist can help clarify gender identity issues for both you and your child before or as they decide to explore their options—and this is true for younger children as well. Many doctors require some guidance or confirmation from a therapist so that your child will not rush into medical decisions without careful consideration. Making sure they see a knowledgeable medical professional who has experience with other transgender patients can give you peace of mind in knowing that your child is in good hands. It can also be helpful to talk to such medical professionals about the potential risks and benefits of hormones or surgery so you know what your kid is getting into. Many parents are uncomfortable with the idea of their child making such a major change, or are afraid that hormones might be bad for their health. This is another reason why talking to an experienced medical professional can be helpful.
Talking about hormonal or surgical changes can be extremely scary for a parent since it involves a physical change to their child’s body. Talk to other transgender people. This can give you an idea
of what sort of changes your child will go through and what their life might be like in the future. You might be pleasantly surprised to hear how hormones or surgery have transformed some transgender people’s lives; it is not uncommon for transgender people to report feeling their depression lift and to feel immensely happier through physical transition. Of course, the experience is different for everyone, but talking to others in the trans* community can give you a good idea of the possibilities for your child. Remember that the hormonal changes are very similar to a second puberty—it is not a complete personality transplant.
There will be times when you are not comfortable with a transition-related change your child wants to make. That’s okay. You’re not expected to be comfortable with every change immediately. However, you should do the best you can to reach a compromise. For example, if your kid would like to visit a doctor to learn more about hormone options, and you don’t feel comfortable with that, find another family member or friend who could accompany them to the doctor’s office. If a transition-related change is financially impossible now or in the near future, talk to your child and explain those reasons. A good compromise might be to create a long-term plan, with the ultimate goal being the completion of all of their transition-related needs.
As your child grows older, and especially after they have socially transitioned, their needs and desires may change. Transitioning is not a static, unchangeable process, but rather a dynamic
journey. Your child’s needs may be different at various points in their life. For example, Erika Lynn originally wanted to have a brow shave as soon as she was old enough to have one. “But after having lived as a girl for a year and a half, having a brow shave was no longer a necessity—or a desire—of mine to be happy,” she says. Remember that, throughout the transition process, your child will always be your child.
A KID’S PERSPECTIVE
“I started my transition three years ago.”
I’m not one of those people who always knew I was transgender. I have friends whose earliest memories were of feeling uncomfortable with their body, and I’ve heard their stories of being four or five years old and feeling deeply upset at being told they were girls when they felt like boys. When I think back to my childhood, though, I don’t remember having any strong feelings in general about gender. I didn’t like particularly feminine things, I never liked to do my hair or paint my nails, and I was never interested in shopping for clothes. I didn’t really like particularly masculine things either. I was just a nerdy, awkward kid.
There are things I look back on that seem to point toward me being trans*. I remember feeling absolutely devastated when I first got my period, and trying to ignore it in hopes that it would go away. I also had an incredibly difficult time imagining myself as a grown-up woman. Puberty was an incredibly tumultuous time for me, as it is for many people. When I was fourteen, I came out as a lesbian and things began to get better. I cut my hair short and started to dress in a more masculine way. I was from a small town and hadn’t met very many gays and lesbians. I was the first out lesbian at my high school and kind of liked that people began to treat me as if I were in my own gender category. To me, that’s mostly what being a lesbian was about. While I was definitely attracted to women, it was mostly permission for me to begin to look and act more masculine.
When I was eighteen, I went off to college and began to get more involved in the gay and lesbian community. I started to meet different
types of lesbians, and realized that my feelings about gender were not just a lesbian thing. Later in my freshman year, I met a straight woman, and we settled into a relationship that felt surprisingly heterosexual. After we broke up, I spent some time thinking about gender, reading books by transgender people, and wondering about my own gender identity. In many ways I felt androgynous or genderless, and so for a time I considered myself genderqueer. I fell into relationships with lesbians that loved my androgynous look but were insistent that I ultimately be a woman and at least occasionally dress and act in a feminine way. This felt restrictive, but I trusted their judgment. After all, would anyone ever love me if I lived any other way?
It took a lot of reflection, therapy, and meeting other transmen for me to recognize that I did indeed identify as transgender and that I wanted to be transitioning socially. I don’t know how to describe coming to that decision; it was a really long, introspective journey for me. I think that the major turning point, though, was when I met several transmen that came to visit my college for a women and gender studies conference. I spent some time with them and listened to their stories and found that we had a lot in common and that I really identified with many of the feelings they described.
Honestly, I flip-flopped a bit during this time. It was scary to come out of the closet, begin to use a new name, dress differently, and everything like that. Of my entire transition, the first few months of coming out and transitioning socially were probably the most difficult. People outright told me that they would never respect my identity, never call me by my chosen name, and never see me as a guy. Whenever I went out, people stared at me or outright asked me if I was a man or a woman. It was an extremely awkward time for me.
As I learned more, I became more interested in pursuing hormones and surgeries. I weighed the options carefully, considering my health, my future happiness, and the gravity of such a decision. I was nervous about doing anything irreversible, particularly thinking about how I would feel about such a decision twenty or thirty years from now. I was terribly uncomfortable with living in-between genders, though, and felt as though I absolutely couldn’t live as a woman. I also found that I preferred the way I looked when binding my breasts and longed for a deeper voice and facial hair.
I started testosterone when I was twenty years old and had top surgery (a double mastectomy) six months later. That was more than three years ago, and I am confident that it was the right decision for me. I hardly think about gender or my coming-out story anymore, since I’ve so comfortably settled into things the way they are now. I live “stealth” now, which for me means that I am not open about being transgender at work or with most of my more casual friends. I am, however, much more open about these things online: I operate a blog (
theartoftransliness.com
) where I talk about transgender issues, and a YouTube channel where I regularly make videos about my transition.
I live my life as male now, which I suppose is strange considering how androgynous and genderqueer I considered myself before my physical transition. My feelings haven’t really changed on that matter, I have just settled into being viewed as male and have become more comfortable with seeing myself that way. It’s difficult to describe how I got from point A to point B; it’s just been a natural thing. I recently married someone who totally respects me for who I am and we hope to someday have children using a sperm donor. I feel confident now, I’m really happy, and I’m able to get on with my life.
Zak, 23
THE BOTTOM LINE
Gender identity does not determine sexuality, and sexuality does not determine gender identity.- It is possible to dress in clothes from the men’s department while still identifying as female. This is specific to the person, and since gender is not only limited to being a “boy” or a “girl,” intersections of dress and identity can be incredibly varied.
- Exploring identity is an integral part of growing up, and this can include clothing choices, gender expression, and gender identity.
- When it comes to changing names and pronouns, it is understandable to have a mix of emotions. Remember to view this experience from your child’s perspective as well, and work to be a part of the process.
- Familiarize yourself with state laws and school policies on gendered bathroom usage. Encourage your child to gauge various situations along with their needs, and make decisions based on surroundings and safety.
- Changes on hormones are very similar to a second puberty, and will not result in a complete personality transplant; your child will still be the person you know and love.
- Reaching out to other parents and trans* youth who have had similar experiences will help you find answers to your questions.