The Wolf You Feed Arc (17 page)

Hania nodded. He helped Tore back through the door into the harsh sunlight and sat him on a tree stump. “You shifted a few times while I was treating you on the road. Your mate tried to shift, she took on her human likeness for a few moments but returned to wolf.” Hania closed the freezer lid, shaking his head as he recalled the memory.
 

Tore rested his arms on his legs and kept his eyes on the ground. “We are born as wolves and leave life in the same way. She would have changed back into her wolf form moments before she died.”
 

Hania moved to Tore, supporting him as he struggled to his feet. “Gandhi tells us that birth and death are different aspects of the same state. It is fitting that the beginning and the end of your cycle on earth, should come full circle.”
 

“You don’t fear us? Do you know what they say about us?”

Hania smiled, compassion reaching his eyes. “I’ve heard stories. On the Hopi reservation, where I grew up, there were many tales about men who could shift into animals. Some of them were told to elicit fear, others to give comfort and hope. Who am I to judge whether your race is on this earth to strike fear or not? I’ve met many whose actions have warranted fear and I have also met others who earn respect and trust. You only find out what type of man someone is by being open to him. I’ve only known you and the boys a few days. So far there has been nothing that has made me fearful of you.”

“It’s not like the stories. We don’t run mad at the full moon or bite innocent men to turn them. We’re born Lycan and live side by side with humans. If they were more open, we wouldn’t have to hide our real selves.”

Hania smiled at him. “Humans have closed minds. They like to create theater around things they don’t understand. I know that more than most. Who you are, doesn’t matter to me. Only fools judge people on the color of their skin, their culture, or their religion. I judge a man on how he behaves towards me and my family.” Tore was grateful for Hania’s outlook on life. “I don’t believe you would endanger me or my daughter. You’re welcome to stay in my home for as long as you need to. Whatever I have, is yours.”

Tore looked back to where Annike lay. “I want to bury her where she can see these.” He held out one of the frozen phacelia stems. “They were her favorites. They’ll remind her of home.”

Hania pointed behind them. “There is a meadow around the back of the cabins, it turns completely blue with them each May and June. She’ll be happy there. The blooms are disappearing now, but they will be back next year to remind us of her.”

 
15

The Next Day.

Burying a loved one is never easy, and Tore did not want it to be.

He wanted his body to hurt as he struggled into his clothes. Wanted each step towards the meadow to jar the stitches in his thigh. Tore needed to feel every muscle throb and each wound smart as he dug spades full of dirt.

As the five-by-three-foot hole took shape, the ache in his limbs was nothing compared to that in his heart.

By the fourth day, the hole was deep enough for Annike’s corpse but not deep enough to bury his sadness.

He finished digging the grave and carried Annike to her final resting place.

The journey was too short. The few hundred yards, he carried his mate could never be far enough to distance himself from his gnawing grief. He lifted spade after spade of earth to cover her. No matter how much wretchedness, dirt, sorrow, or stones he poured into the grave, he never seemed to fill it. His shoulder screamed in agony and his ribs cursed each bend and stretch, yet there still was not enough pain.

Late that afternoon, Kachina came to find him. In her gentle way, she removed the shovel from his hand and finished the job. He was too exhausted to object. He no longer felt physical pain. Every limb was numbed by grief, and he wished he could anesthetize the hurt in his chest as well.

When she’d finished, Kachina brought his sons. They had small bunches of flowers clasped in their tiny hands. She encouraged them to lay them down for their mother. Kjell and Rune said their goodbyes while Tore closed his eyes to the scene.
 

Children should never have to stand at the grave of a mother before they reach adulthood. For this and a thousand other things, he hated Erik.
 

Kachina sent the boys back to Hania. She knelt beside Tore, taking his hand. He continued to look into the distance, unaware of her presence, his eyes and his heart looking to the past.
 

“Do you want to say anything?” Kachina’s voice yanked him from his thoughts.
 

What could he say?
 

Tore didn’t have any words left; his brother took them when he ripped out Annike’s throat. He shook his head and tried to stand. Kachina helped him to his feet, insisting he put his arm around her shoulder. Unable to protest, he accepted and she helped him back to his room.
 

Tore sat dazed on the edge of the bed. Kachina fussed around him. She removed his sweat-stained shirt, pulled off his boots, and helped him into fresh pants. She fetched a basin of water and wiped away the grave dirt. Afterwards she sat with him, his head resting on her lap, her hand stroking his hair.

Annike used to do that.

Tore closed his eyes. Annike’s touch caressed his skin through Kachina’s fingers and he wept.

***

Tore woke several times in the night, thinking it was Annike stroking his hair.

But it wasn’t her.

In the morning, Kachina was still there. She was leaning back against the headboard, her eyes closed, one hand on his head. At some point the boys had climbed up next to them. Rune was curled under her arm and Kjell lay squeezed between her legs and Tore’s stomach. A blanket was draped across the four of them. Despite the heat from Kjell and the warmth of the wool, Tore shivered.

He spent the rest of the day next to Annike’s grave. Seeking comfort on their private wavelength, he hoped she could still hear him.

I can’t believe you’re gone…

Thought we had forever, Annike… We should have had forever.
 

Tears fell down his face. He wiped them and his running nose with his sleeve.

Always thought we’d have more kids. Did you want more? I don’t mean an enormous litter like Mom, maybe three or four… I’d have liked a daughter… Did you ever think about a girl, Annike?

She would have looked like you, would have been so beautiful, my love.

He rubbed his face with his hands. Unbidden, an image of Erik came into his head.

 
He hated him so much!

Why did he take her? Why couldn’t he let them be?

Tore dried his eyes once again on his sleeve.
 

These damn tears, will they ever stop?

I won’t let Erik get away with this. I’m going to pay him back, Annike.
He didn’t know how he’d do it yet, but he would avenge her. Somehow, he’d discredit Erik. Make the clan understand what he did. Then they’d take away his power. Erik didn’t deserve to take their father’s place.

Tore got to his feet, the tears subsiding, anger taking their place.

I’ll go back to Liam, he’ll help me…he’s next in line. I’ll get Björn and Otto too. We’ll go together… Yes, that’s it! We’ll be more of a force in numbers. The four of us will face Erik. Maybe there are other clan members my father forced out. We’ll form a small army. We could do it. I know we could…

Tore laughed to himself, his pacing became more agitated as he formulated schemes.

He’d like to see Erik’s face then!
 

His pacing wore a path around Annike’s grave.

They’re gonna pay, Annike. I’m gonna take them out one by one. Erik, David, Henrik…Georg…all of them. Rip their throats out with my fangs. Do to them what they did to you. Then I’m going to leave their corpses out in the open, watch while the turkey buzzards pluck out their eyes. I want to see the coyotes and the foxes strip off their flesh and watch as flies lay eggs inside their wounds. I want to be able to smell the maggots as they grow fat and gorge themselves on my brother’s body… Watch them disappear out of my life.

Tore stopped. No, that wouldn’t hurt them enough!

I’ll leave them alive…won’t kill them. Leave them close to death, but alive enough to know what is happening to them…I’ll stake them out in the sun… watch the scavengers eat them while they scream.

Yes! I want to see their pain, hear their cries for help. Want them to know what it was like for you. Want them to feel all the pain I have inside me. Want them to feel it tenfold. They have to suffer, Annike, suffer like no other human or wolf has suffered before.

Dropping to his knees, he lay down beside her grave and closed his eyes.

“I’ll do it for you, Annike. I’ll do it for you.”

***

Kachina caught up with Tore making his way back to his room. “Here, let me help you, Tore,”

“I’m okay, I can do it…” He didn’t need her help.

“Hush now, you’re exhausted. Let me, please.”

Tore relented, allowing her to undress him. She was right. He didn’t have the strength to do it.

“Come here,” she said, lying down next to him, pulling his head to her shoulder.

Tore didn’t want her to hold him like this. He tried but was too weak to pull away. She held him close and he became too caught up in his own misery to make much of an effort to try again.
 

The sound of her heart lulled him, calming the wolf inside. Lavender pervaded his senses, the soporific fragrance cocooning him. He inhaled. Was it Kachina’s perfume? He’d not noticed it before, but now the whole room seemed bathed in it. He took comfort from the scent. With his body and mind more relaxed, he concentrated on her gentle breathing and found enough peace to sleep.

***

As the week went by, a pattern emerged. Each night Kachina comforted him while he slept. In the mornings, Tore found himself part of a pile of bodies. Kjell and Rune curled between them, Kachina’s arm draped across their tiny frames in an imitation of his own.

One evening, Hania strolled into the kitchen. He stood and watched Tore pouring milk for his boys. “Why don’t you use my bed? I’ll take the twin. You and the boys will fit better there.”
 

“I can’t take yours Hania!” Guilt dogged him. He must have known, Kachina was sharing with him as well. “We’re fine in that room.” He ruffled the boy’s hair. “They don’t take up much room.”
 

Kachina bustled into the kitchen carrying sheets to the laundry. “I already moved your things.”

Tore opened his mouth to protest.
 

“You’ll heal better if you’re not so cramped and the boys will sleep better with the space.” Hania said. Picking up his coffee, he walked out into the yard to watch the sunset.

When Kachina went to him that night, Tore sent her away.

“I can’t have you sleeping with me every night. What will it look like? Annike isn’t even cold in her grave.”

She looked sad at his rebuff.

“I’m sorry, Tore I didn’t think… didn’t mean to… I just wanted to comfort you, I…” She wrung her hands, stepped from one foot to the other.

“Comfort me? I don’t want to find comfort in you. The thought makes me sick. Annike is the only one who can do that. She is… was… everything to me.”

Kachina hurried away, but not before Tore saw the hurt in her eyes. He felt like such an ass treating her that way. His words sounded harsher than he’d meant, but allowing Kachina to comfort him felt wrong.
 

Tore’s sleep was fitful that night. The bed big, empty and cold. The boys tossed and turned, fretful. Kjell woke crying for his mother. Rune clung to his father, his eyes full of tears after he woke from a nightmare. As the early hours crept in, Tore finally slept.

***

“Aagghhh! No…Annike…Erik…please no…” He woke drenched in sweat, his arms thrashing around, his heart pounding.

Kjell was sobbing again, Rune screaming. Wrapped up in his nightmare, Tore couldn’t comfort them.