The Strip Club Dating Survival Guide (25 page)

Lincoln had a view of post-war Reconstruction that would have offered generous terms to the former Confederate States, pardoned almost everyone, allowed the South to accept their defeat with honor and dignity intact, and led to massive investment to repair the damage caused by years of war. Many historians believe that “Moderate Reconstruction,” as Lincoln advocated, would have eased racial tension, leading to the normalization of relations between black and white Americans. In addition, the southern states would have become culturally and economically integrated with the north, resulting in greater equality and prosperity for all.

After his assassination, however, the hard liners in Congress where able to get their way, pushing through what is referred to today as Radical Reconstruction, a generally jacked up policy that directly resulted in Jim Crow laws, racial segregation, extreme poverty, Ned Beatty squealing like a pig in Deliverance and NASCAR.

Despite how everything turned out, Lincoln held the country together through the absolute worst crisis we have ever confronted together as a nation. Almost everyone in this country, North and South, fucking hated Lincoln, including his own blundering Army commanders and the Republican Party establishment that had elected him in the first place, yet somehow he managed to keep the special interests at bay, exert direct, daily control over the military, force Congress to support him and win reelection to a second term by a huge margin.

And he did it all because he didn’t give a fuck about anything besides keeping the United States together as one nation.

Lincoln is widely considered by historians and political scientists to be the greatest U.S. President of all time, ranked number one of the top five presidents (in order from first to fifth: Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Roosevelt, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Theodore Roosevelt.)

He is also the second guy to pick for your three man team of Dead Presidents in the event of alien invasion, robot uprising or Canadian shenanigans. He was a big, lanky guy with serious reach, and did whatever it took to get the job done.

From his second inaugural address, just a few days before his death:

"With malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation’s wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan—to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations."

QUOTES
:
CHAPTER
10 
I
T’S
N
OT
J
UST A
C
ITY IN
C
HINA

CHEERS MATE!

Not an acceptable form of tipping in the State of Texas.

A
P
OSTED
S
IGN –
TRUE

This would be another time where no explanation is required, just enjoy it for what it is.

QUOTES
:
CHAPTER
11 
R
EWARDS FOR
G
OOD
B
EHAVIOR

I aim to misbehave.

C
APTAIN
M
ALCOLM
R
EYNOLDS –
TRUE

MALCOLM REYNOLDS
(Nathan Fillion) was captain of the
“Serenity
” on the Joss Whedon (
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dollhouse, Avengers
) TV show,
Firefly.
At the time the show premiered on Fox, it was being promoted by the network as, “
A western in space,”
and frankly, that sounded lame.

I didn’t bother to watch and neither did the rest of the country, so the series ended up canceled after just 14 episodes. However, due to the wonders of Netflix, I recently got the opportunity to watch the entire series as well as the later series finale feature film,
Serenity.
On behalf of all of people out there who became such die-hard fans of that show in such a short time, allow me to say:

Fuck you Fox, for only giving us fourteen episodes, just…
fuck you.

QUOTES
:
CHAPTER
12 
A
FFORDABLE
P
LEASURES

This next game was invented by double-jointed Hungarian acrobats from the Munich circus.

P
.
T
.
B
ARNUM –
FALSE

In my earlier
“Custer”
quote, I mentioned that it was the first of two times I was using a line from
SKIPPER
(Tom McGrath) of the
Madagascar
films and
Penguins Of Madagascar
TV show. This, obviously, is the other one…because the Penguins are super hilarious to me, (I am both retarded and have a toddler) so sue me. Anybody who can seriously pull off,
“Chimichangas!”, “Jumbo Shrimp!”,
or
“Great Hoover Dam!”
as credible exclamations can count on my vote at election time.

The attribution, however, refers to
PHINEAS TAYLOR (P.T.) BARNUM
, the legendary American showman who brought us the
Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus,
amongst other things.

Barnum introduced us to the freak show as an art form, built the first aquarium in the United States, founded the infamous
Barnum’s American Museum
, perfected the use of wax museums, founded theaters, sponsored travelling entertainment troupes and famous singing acts, visited with European royalty while he toured with the freak performer Tom Thumb, and ended up buying William Shakespeare’s house.

Barnum unquestionably created the whole concept of over the top entertainment and the mind-boggling promotional efforts he used to put asses in seats are in many ways standard today. His use of freak shows, for example, were never the point in their own right, they simply served to attract customers to his museums, shows or whatever else. Just so in modern strip joints, as the girls aren’t actually the point from a business model standpoint, they are simply the freaks that bring customers in the door, willing to pay ridiculous prices on virtually anything and everything.

Barnum is popularly credited with the famous saying,
“
T
HERE’S A SUCKER BORN EVERY MINUTE,”
which, as it turns out,
he did not say
. It's believed that it was actually one
Michael Cassius McDonald
, a Chicago bounty broker, saloon and gambling-house keeper, eminent politician, and dispenser of cheating privileges who is responsible for this aphorism. Supposedly, it was attributed to Barnum by his circus business archrival,
Adam Forepaugh
, during a newspaper interview as a way of making Barnum look like an asshole in front of his customers. Listed next are some things Barnum
did
say:

The noblest art is that of making others happy.

Without promotion something terrible happens… Nothing!

Nobody ever lost a dollar by underestimating the taste of the American public.

All of which, as far as I can see, remain true today. In the end, P.T. evolved into a respectable businessman, a best-selling author, a noted debunker of snake oil salesmen and spiritual mediums, an elected legislator, anti-slavery reformer, local public official and philanthropist. I can’t think of anyone better suited to being the patron saint of strip joint owners and managers everywhere than Phineas Taylor Barnum.

QUOTES
:
CHAPTER
13 
T
HERE’S
N
O
S
EX IN THE
C
HAMPAGNE
R
OOM

    What extras do you do in the Champagne Room?

None
.

What do you mean by none?

O
VERHEARD
C
ONVERSATION –
TRUE

Honestly, customers say the darnedest things.

QUOTES
:
CHAPTER
14 
N
O
T
IME FOR
T
IME

What happens to us in the future? Do we become assholes or something?

C
ARL
S
AGAN —
FALSE

This one is from
MARTY MCFLY
(Michael James Fox) in the film
Back From The Future,
the sequel to the original
Back To The Future
. Obviously,
CARL SAGAN
never said this, or if he did, it was probably in private. Sagan was a best-selling author of pop-science books, but was probably best known for his part in the television series
Cosmos
in which he starred and co-wrote.

He is also credited with pioneering the field of exobiology (the study of alien life) and for bringing considerable energy and support for the SETI project (Search for Extra Terrestrial Life.) Through television, movies, books, and lectures he was able to get people excited about science while also introducing the idea of
skeptically scientific inquiry
into American culture.

While I’m not generally what you’d call a science guy, Sagan’s ability to communicate a true and beautiful belief in a wondrous and awesome cosmos is truly inspirational, and I think he’s an American hero. My discussion here of Sagan is brief, but that’s not because there isn’t anything to say. Instead, the scope and impact of the life of Carl Sagan is so powerful that I suppose that any of my typical smart ass ridiculousness would just seem…blasphemous, I guess. So this time I’ll just pass on it and say,

Thanks, Carl.

QUOTES
:
CHAPTER
15 
T
HE
M
ORNING
A
FTER

Disregard females, acquire currency.

B
ENJAMIN
F
RANKLIN –
FALSE

This is actually the definitive version of the
JOSEPH DUCREUX / ARCHAIC RAP
internet meme. Joseph was an 18th century French artist known for his unorthodox painting style, particularly of his own self-portraits. Several of his paintings have been turned into poster macros that allow you to add your own captions.

“Disregard females, acquire currency,”
is taken from Notorious B.I.G’s 1995 hit single
Get Money
, in which the lyrics, “
FUCK BITCHES, GET MONEY,”
are featured. Other humorous versions of this meme include:

Do not despise the racketeer, despise the sport.

Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

F
ROM THE
I
CE-
T
SONG, “
D
ON’T
H
ATE THE
P
LAYA.”