The Strip Club Dating Survival Guide (24 page)

"
H
I,
I
’M
P
ETER
G
RIFFIN.
Y
OU KNOW WE’VE HAD A LOT OF LAUGHS TONIGHT, BUT
I
’LL TELL YOU WHAT’S NOT FUNNY; KILLING STRIPPERS.
S
TRIPPERS ARE PEOPLE TOO, NAKED PEOPLE WHO MAY BE WILLING TO PLEASURE YOU FOR A PRICE YOU NEGOTIATE LATER BEHIND A CURTAIN IN THE
VIP
ROOM.
B
ESIDES, THERE’S NO NEED TO KILL THEM BECAUSE MOST OF THEM ARE ALREADY DEAD INSIDE.
G
OODNIGHT EVERYONE."

The rest of the
ALEXANDER HAMILTON
attribution is, however, true; particularly the part about dying in the wake of a duel. I did leave out a part about what actually caused the duel, however. Apparently, Hamilton did so much shit-talking on political rival and Presidential candidate Aaron Burr in the 1800 election season, that not only did Burr lose his bid for the presidency, but also failed at all his other political aspirations, as well.

Hamilton was seriously on Aaron Burr’s ass like no other, and in retaliation, Burr outed Hamilton in public regarding his extramarital affairs. Hamilton was so enraged that the honor of his wife had been smeared and that his dirty pantaloons had been aired in public (particularly since he was guilty as charged) that the whole thing ended up with a duel, and Hamilton dead. Interestingly enough, Burr didn’t actually kill Hamilton during the duel, only managing to wing him a bit, but because the United States was already using the health care system that we have today, Hamilton died from infection.

The other thing, about the Founding Fathers being a bunch of bad asses is also true. In reality though, you probably just know Alexander Hamilton as the guy on the ten dollar bill.

QUOTES
:
CHAPTER
4 
C
RAZY
B
ITCH

When the world slips you a Jeffrey, stroke the furry wall.

A
BRAHAM
M
ASLOW —
FALSE

This line was spoken by
ALDOUS SNOW
(Russell Brand) in the film,
Get Him To The Greek
. The “Jeffrey” scene, which also included Jonah Hill, Sean Combs and Colm Meaney, would have made watching the movie well worth it even if everything else sucked…which it didn’t.

ABRAHAM MASLOW
, on the other hand, was indeed just as I described. Considered the father of Humanistic Psychology and of the concept of self-actualization as a determining force in human development, Maslow first described the Hierarchy of Needs in his 1943 paper, “A Theory of Human Motivation.” It should be noted that Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs has been reinterpreted by motivational speaker and personal development coach Tony Robbins (among others) for consumption by popular audiences as “The Six Basic Human Needs.” The chapter
Crazy Bitch
in this book is based around the version of the Needs as presented by Robbins…mainly because it is simpler, more intuitive, and easier to explain than the in-depth Maslow original.

And, as far as I’m concerned, anybody who is described as mentally unstable during childhood then goes on to become king-fucking-psychologist of the world pretty much knows how to say,
fuck you
, so I guess that part was pretty accurate too.

QUOTES
:
CHAPTER
5 
S
HARP
D
RESSED
M
AN

Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

B
ILL
C
LINTON –
FALSE

This line was delivered by
BRIAN FANTANA
(Paul Rudd) in the film,
Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy
, as he explains the aphrodisiac power of the men’s cologne, “
Sex Panther.”

BILL CLINTON
, on the other hand, ran the first government budget surplus since before World War II, faced Congress down at his own trial in
their house
and refused to pay them on another occasion until they
made some fucking decisions
, shot up some enemy countries just because they were playing fuck-around, personally issued kill orders on Osama bin Laden before any of the rest of us knew who the hell he was or that something like 9/11 might one day be possible, scored more ass than he knew what to do with, and is considered one of the most popular U.S. Presidents of all time.

Bill Clinton was a pimp.

QUOTES
:
CHAPTER
6 
L
OVE
M
ACHINE

I’m in love with a stripper.

T
HOMAS
O
TWAY –
FALSE

I’m In Love With A Stripper
is actually a song from the rapper
T-PAIN
…you know, the guy who made use of a harmonizer standard there for about a minute in the music business.

THOMAS OTWAY
did, however, write a comedic farce called
The Soldier’s Fortune
in 1681, in which he managed to coin the term,
STRIPPING
, to describe a woman getting naked for money. He is also famous (somewhat) for the manner of his death. Apparently, Thomas had not found financial success as a writer and toward the end was reduced to begging.

According to the story, one day while pestering innocent passersby for spare change, some Good Samaritan dropped enough cash on T-Way to go buy some bread; which he promptly did…only to choke to death as he ate
way too fast
, because he was hungry and begging for food and because life is fucking cruel like that some times.

One can only hope that, as a writer, Thomas would have appreciated the irony.

QUOTES
:
CHAPTER
7 
J
ACKASS

I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum…and I’m all outta bubblegum.

T
HEODORE
R
OOSEVELT –
FALSE

This quote appears in the John Carpenter film
They Live
, and was uttered by
GEORGE NADA
(“Rowdy” Roddy Piper of World Wresting fame) the main protagonist of what was arguably Carpenter’s best film. Despite shitty effects, crappy 80s soundtrack and poor acting,
They Live
may even be one of the greatest films of all time for its super awesome subtext. Keith David, the guy who does the voice over for all the Navy recruiting commercials, was also in this one as George’s best friend, Frank.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT
did not ever use a catch phrase involving bubble gum, but he did use another famous one,
"
S
PEAK SOFTLY AND CARRY A BIG STICK,"
 
to describe his philosophy on foreign affairs. Not only were Roosevelt’s views on the subject compelling in his own time, but they have been adopted as the de facto policy stance of every U.S. President from then until now.

Roosevelt was a Progressive Republican back when that actually meant something, the youngest President ever to hold office, was the primary force behind the construction of the Panama Canal, and sent America’s “Great White Fleet,” around the world to scare the shit out of everybody. The character of
COLONEL WILLIAM LUDLOW
(played by Anthony Hopkins) in the film
Legends Of The Fall
was loosely patterned after Roosevelt.

If you were in some deep shit, but were somehow allowed to pick any three U.S. Presidents, living or dead, to come to your aid, this is the guy you should probably pick first. And no, I’m not sure what type of deep shit situation that could be, but I’ll assume that it involves aliens somehow. If not aliens, then certainly robots or maybe Canadians…whatever, go with Roosevelt first, he was a big-game hunter and liked guns.

QUOTES
:
CHAPTER
8 
H
OUSE
R
ULES

All you have to do is follow three simple rules. One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it’s absolutely necessary. And three, be nice.

D
ALTON’S
L
AW –
FALSE

This one is actually a line belonging to
JAMES DALTON
(Patrick Swayze) in the movie
Road House
, a contracted bouncer “expert” brought in by the owner of the Double Deuce night club to train the crappy security staff. Somehow this ends up with Patrick Swayze ripping some guy’s throat out, a dude with a cowboy hat, a dead guy and money. I’m not sure why any of that was going on though, I honestly wasn’t paying attention.

The real
Dalton’s Law
is an empirical law related to the molecular pressure of gas in confined space, and that was formulated by
JOHN DALTON
in the 19th century. The Wikipedia entry for Dalton’s Law has this to say:

"In chemistry and physics, Dalton’s law (also called Dalton’s law of partial pressures) states that the total pressure exerted by the… blah blah blah fiddligibit da duh this shit goes on for a really long time da blah dum do blah blah stuff and things blah blah… by John Dalton in 1801 and is related to the ideal gas laws."

I love it when people get all science-y. I also love it when people say things like, “
ideal gas laws,”
with a straight face, but that’s because honestly I’m just an immature child inside. Honestly, I just used this because it was funny (for me) to think of this old Limey chemist from back in the day working the door at some shit hole night club.

Also because something about the behavior of gases in a confined space under pressure reminds me of those nights working at the club when you just knew something awful was about to happen. Oh, and the fact that he and Patrick Swayze’s character shared the last name.

Actually it was mostly the last name thing.

QUOTES
:
CHAPTER
9
T
HE
G
ENTLEMAN
C
ALLER

Now, a question of etiquette…As I pass, do I give you the ass or the crotch?

A
BRAHAM
L
INCOLN –
FALSE

TYLER DURDEN
(Brad Pitt) delivered this line as he left his airplane window seat and stepped past “The Narrator” (Edward Norton) seated on the aisle, in the film
Fight Club
. It seemed appropriate.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN
is the guy best known for ending slavery, being the dude on the five dollar bill and pennies and getting himself assassinated at the theater. Or, at least that’s what most people learned about him in high school. In reality though, he didn’t actually end slavery (the 13th Amendment to the Constitution did that) although that was certainly the result of the Civil War which was the defining issue of the Lincoln presidency.

Lincoln was the ultimate political pragmatist in the service of a higher goal: the preservation of the Union and of the republicanism of the Founding Fathers. This is an excerpt of a letter from Lincoln to Horace Greely, the influential editor of the New York Tribune:

"My paramount object in this struggle is to save the Union and is not either to save or to destroy slavery. If I could save the Union without freeing any slave I would do it, and if I could save it by freeing all the slaves I would do it; and if I could save it by freeing some and leaving others alone I would also do that. What I do about slavery and the colored race, I do because I believe it helps to save the Union; and what I forbear, I forbear because I do not believe it would help to save the Union… .I have here stated my purpose according to my view of official duty; and I intend no modification of my oft-expressed personal wish that all men everywhere could be free."