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forced price. Nor would the growers in Egypt and Africa sell their grain at this price, but either stored it or did not even sow their fields. Apart from Rufus, the Praetorian tribunes and the centurions were quite openly involved in the conspiracy, the Praetorians naturally being bitter that their pay was in the new coinage and with no increase. The conspirators were so certain they would succeed that they sought to keep the whole enterprise inside Rome, save for a few strategically important Italian cities. They therefore refused help from powerful men in the provinces and in this way offended many important people. In my view, their greatest fault lay in that they thought they did not need the support of the legions, which they could have got quite easily in Germany and Britain. Corbulo in the East would hardly have become involved in it since he was completely absorbed by his Parthian war, and was also quite without political ambitions. I think he was one of the few people who never even heard the rumors about the plan. As I had put my affairs in order, perhaps I did not think sufficiently about the needs of the people. On my part I was seized with a kind of spring enchantment. I was thirty-five years old, past bothering with immature girls except possibly as a passing pleasure, but at an age when a man is ripe for true passion and wishes for an experienced woman of equal birth as a companion. I still find it difficult to write openly about these things. Perhaps it will suffice to say that, avoiding any unnecessary publicity, I began to visit Antonia�s house quite often. We had so much to talk to each other about that sometimes I could not leave her handsome house on Palatine until dawn. She was a daughter of Claudius and thus had some of Marcus Antonius� tainted blood in her. And she was an Aelius on her mother�s side as well. Her mother was the adoptive sister of Sejanus. That should be sufficient explanation for anyone who knows. Your mother was also Claudius� daughter, and I must admit that after bearing you and after her former hard life, she had calmed down considerably. She no longer shared my bed. Indeed, I seemed to suffer from a kind of deficiency disease in this respect until my friendship with Antonia cured me.
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It was at dawn one spring morning, when the birds had just begun to sing and the flowers were fragrant in Antonia�s beautiful garden, from which all traces of the fire had now been erased by new bushes and whole trees, that I first heard about Piso�s conspiracy from Antonia. Exhausted from the joy and friendship, I was standing hand in hand with her, leaning against one of the slender pillars in her summer house, unable to drag myself away from her, although we had begun to say farewell to each other at least two hours earlier. �Minutus, my dearest,� she said. Perhaps I am wrong to repeat her confession word for word, but on the other hand I have written things in connection with Sabina which might make an ignoramus doubt my manhood. �Oh, my dearest,� she said then. �No man has ever been so tender and good to me and known how to take me in his arms so wonderfully as you have. So I know I shall love you now, always and eternally. I should like us to meet after death as shades in the Elysian fields.� �Why do you talk of Elysium?� I asked, thrusting out my chest. �We are happy now. Indeed I am happier than I have ever been before. Don�t let us think of Charon, although I�m willing to have a gold piece put in my mouth when I die to pay him in a way which is worthy of you.� She squeezed my hand in her slim fingers. �Minutus,� she said, �I can no longer hide anything from you, nor do I want to. And I do not know which of us is nearer to death, you or I. Nero�s time is running out. I should not want you to fall with him.� I was dumbfounded. Then Antonia related in swift whispers all that she knew about the conspiracy and its leaders. She admitted that she had promised, when the moment was ripe and Nero was dead, as Claudius� daughter, to go with the new Emperor to the Praetorian camp and put in a good word for him with the veterans. Naturally a gift of money would convince them even more than a few modest words from the noblest lady in Rome. �In fact I fear not so much for my own life as for yours, my dearest,� said Antonia. �You are known as one of Nero�s friends and you have done little to make useful connections for the future. For understandable reasons, the people will demand blood when Nero is dead. And public security will demand a certain amount
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of bloodshed to strengthen law and order. I shouldn�t want you to lose your dear head or a crowd to trample you to death in the forum according to the secret instructions which must be given to the people when we go to the Praetorian camp.� When I remained dumb, my head spinning and my knees weak, Antonia grew impatient and stamped her lovely foot. �Don�t you see?� she said. �The conspiracy is so widespread and discontent so general that the plan can be put into action any day now. Every sensible man is trying to join for his own advantage. It is sheer bluff that they are still pretending to discuss how, where and when Nero could best be murdered. That can be done anytime. Several of his best friends are with us and have taken the oath. Of your own friends I shall name only Senecio, Petronius and Lucanus. The fleet in Misenum is with us. Epicharis, whom you must know from hearsay, has seduced Volucius Proculus, just as Octavia in her time tried to seduce Anicetus.� �I know Proculus,� I said shortly. �Of course you do,� said Antonia with sudden insight. �He was involved in my stepmother�s murder. Don�t worry, dearest. I had no feelings for Agrippina. On the contrary, she treated me even more badly, if that is possible, than Britannicus and Octavia. It was only from a sense of propriety that I did not want to take part in the thank-offerings after her death. You mustn�t be afraid of that old story. I suggest that you join the conspiracy as soon as possible and save your life. If you delay too long, then I cannot help you.� To tell the truth, my first thought was of course to rush straight to Nero and tell him of the danger threatening him. Then I would be certain of his favor for the rest of my life. However, Antonia was sufficiently experienced to be able to read the hesitation in my face. She stroked the tips of her fingers along my lips, and, with her head on one side and her gown slipping from her firm bosom, she spoke again. �But you can�t betray me, Minutus, can you?� she said. �No, that would be impossible when we love each other so completely. We were born for each other, as you�ve said so often in the intoxication of the moment.� �Of course not,� I hurried to assure her. �That would never occur to me.� She had to laugh and then shrugged her shoulders
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as I went on irritably: �What was that you said about bluff?� �Don�t think I haven�t thought a great deal about the whole thing,� said Antonia, �The most important thing for me, as for the other conspirators, is not the actual murder of Nero but who shall be helped into power after his death. That�s what the conspirators are trying to settle night after night. Everyone has his own ideas on the subject.� �Gaius Piso,� I said critically. �I don�t really understand why he of all people should be the leader. True, he is a senator and a Calpurnian and is handsome. But I don�t understand what you see in him, Antonia dear, to such an extent that you�d risk your life for a man like him to go with him to the Praetorian camp.� To be strictly accurate, I felt a stab of jealousy deep inside me. I knew Antonia and also knew that she was not so temperate as one might believe from her posture and dignified appearance. She was considerably more experienced than I was in all things, although I thought I knew a good deal. So I watched her expression carefully. She enjoyed my jealousy, burst out laughing and gave me a light slap on the cheek. �Oh, Minutus, what on earth are you thinking about me?� she said. �I�d never creep into the bed of a man like Piso just for my own benefit, you must know me well enough to know that. I choose for myself whom I shall love and have always done so. And it�s not Piso in particular I�ve tied myself to. He�s a kind of screen for the time being. He�s stupid enough that he doesn�t suspect that the others are already intriguing behind his back. In fact the question of the use of substituting a comedian for a cittern-player has already been put. Piso has appeared in public in the theater and thus damaged his reputation just as Nero has. There are others who want to bring the republic back again and give all the power to the Senate. That insane idea would soon throw the country into civil war. I am telling you this so that you will understand what conflicting interests are involved and why Nero�s murder must be postponed. I myself have said that nothing will persuade me to go to the Praetorians for the sake of the Senate. That would not befit the daughter of an Emperor.� She looked at me thoughtfully and read my thoughts. �I know what you are thinking,� she said. �But I can assure you that for political reasons it is too early even to think of your son
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Claudius Antonianus. He is but an infant and Claudia�s reputation is so doubtful that I do not think your son can be considered until he has the man-toga and Claudia is dead. Then it would be easier for me to acknowledge him as my nephew. But if you yourself were to find a place in Piso�s conspiracy, then you�d be able to improve your own position and create a political career for yourself to help Claudius Antonianus while he is still a minor. We�d be wisest to let Claudia live and look after the boy�s upbringing for the time being, don�t you think, my dearest? It would be much too obvious if I adopted him as soon as Nero was dead or he became my son in some other way.� For the first time Antonia implied that despite my poor reputation and my low origins, she would be willing to marry me one day. I had not even dared think about such an honor, even in our most intimate moments. I noticed that I flushed and was even less able to speak than I had been when she had begun to talk about the conspiracy. Antonia looked at me smilingly, stood on her toes and kissed me on my lips as she let her soft silky hair brush my throat. �I�ve told you I love you, Minutus,� she whispered in my ear. �I love you more than anything for your diffidence and the way you underestimate your own worth. You are a man, a wonderful man and the kind of man from whom a wise woman expects the highest.� This struck me as ambiguous and not as flattering to me as Antonia perhaps thought. But it was true. Both Sabina and Claudia had treated me in such a way that I had always given way to their wills for the sake of peace. I thought Antonia conducted herself more worthily. I do not know how it came about that we once again went indoors to bid each other farewell. It was daylight and the garden slaves were already at work when I finally staggered to my sedan, my head whirling and my knees shaking, wondering whether I could stand so much love for fifteen years until you received your man-toga. In any case, I was now deeply involved in the Pisonian conspiracy and had sworn with a thousand kisses to do my best to acquire a position in which I could do my best for Antonia. I think I even promised to murder Nero myself if necessary. But Antonia did not think it necessary for me to risk my valuable
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head. She explained pedantically that it would not be suitable for a future Emperor�s father personally to take part in the murder of an Emperor. It was a bad precedent and might be fateful for you one day, my son. I was probably happier that hot spring than I had ever been before in my life. I was well, strong, and by Roman standards relatively uncorrupted, and I could enjoy my passion to the full. It was also as if everything I undertook succeeded and bore rich harvests, as happens only once in a man�s life. I lived in a dream and the only thing that disturbed me was Claudia�s insistent curiosity about where I was going and from where I had come. I did not like always lying to her, especially as women are often instinctively perceptive in these matters. I got in touch with Fenius Rufus at first, for I had befriended him in connection with my grain deals. One could call our friendship a golden mutual society. Hesitantly, he revealed that he was bound to the Pisonian conspiracy and listed the names of the Praetorians, tribunes and centurions who had sworn an oath to obey him and him alone after Nero had been disposed of. Rufus. was obviously relieved to notice that I had found out about the conspiracy on my own. He apologized several times and assured me that he had been bound by his oath not to tell me before. He promised to put a word in for me, with Piso and the other leaders of the conspiracy. It was not Rufus� fault that the arrogant Piso and other Calpurnians treated me with superiority. I should have been offended had I been more sensitive. They did not even bother about the money I offered to put at the disposal of the conspiracy, but said that they already had enough. Neither did they fear I would denounce them, so certain were they of victory. Indeed, Piso himself said in his insolent way that he knew me and my reputation sufficiently well to guess that I was going to keep quiet to save my own skin. My friendship with Petronius and young Lucanus helped a little, and I was allowed to take the oath and meet Epicharis, that secretive Roman woman whose influence and part in the conspiracy I did not then fully realize. When I had gone so far, one day to my surprise, Claudia brought the matter up. In a roundabout and involved way she
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questioned me until she at least realized that I was not going to run straight to Nero to report what she had to say. She was both relieved and surprised when I smiled pityingly and told her that I had long since taken an oath to overthrow the tyrant for the sake of the freedom of the fatherland. �I can�t imagine why they took a man like you,� said Claudia. �They had better act quickly or their plans will be known everywhere. It�s the worst thing I�ve ever heard. I�d never have believed it, even of you. Are you really prepared to betray Nero just like that, when he�s done so much for you and regards you as his friend?� Retaining my dignity, I remarked gently that it had been Nero�s own conduct that had made me think of the common good rather than of a friendship which had injured me in many ways. Personally I had not suffered much from the monetary reforms, thanks to my own watchfulness. But the weeping of widows and orphans echoed in my ears, and when I thought of the miseries of the country people and the small craftsmen I was prepared to sacrifice my honor if necessary on the altar of the fatherland, for the good of all the Roman people. I had kept my opinions from Claudia because I had been afraid that she would try to stop my fearlessly risking my life for freedom. Now I hoped that she would at last understand that I had kept silent about my activities to avoid dragging her into these dangerous conspiracies. Claudia was still suspicious, for she knew me well. But she had to admit I had done the right thing. After hesitating for a long time, she herself had thought of persuading me, if necessary even of forcing me, to join the conspiracy for the sake of my own and your future. �You must have noticed that I have not bothered you with the Christians for a long time,� said Claudia. �There is no longer any reason why they should be allowed to meet secretly in our house. They have their own safe places, so it is not necessary to expose my son Clement to that danger, even if I myself am not afraid to admit I am a Christian. And the Christians have shown themselves to be weak and indecisive. To get rid of Nero would be to their advantage and would at the same time be a kind of Christian vengeance for his evil deeds. But just imagine, they