The Presence of Grace (Love and Loss #2) (12 page)

My tongue gently touched her lips, asking, and when she opened for me, it was as if every tether I’d felt in the last few years had been snapped. There was nothing holding me back any longer. I angled my mouth over hers and rolled us so she was beneath me. She was with me, her fingertips finding the hem of my shirt and gliding up my torso, her knees spreading to accommodate me, then lifting to bring me into her tighter.

For over three years I’d wondered what it would feel like to be with a woman again, to feel a warm body below me, to be consumed by the scent of someone other than my wife. Grace felt nothing like Olivia. She was different and new and fantastic. The guilt I thought I would feel was absent, the longing for something I’d never have again not even a thought in my mind. What I was thinking about was how soft Grace’s lips were, how wonderful it felt when she used her ankle to anchor me to her, to hold me to her as though letting me go was the worst thing that could happen.

What I wasn’t prepared for were the teenage-like hormones running through me. I hadn’t
needed
anyone in a very long time, but I needed Grace.
God
, I needed her. With one forearm braced on the bed, my free hand found her waist, squeezing as I went, wanting to feel all of her. From her waist my hand traveled south, over her hip and around to her ass. I palmed her there, my fingers digging in to the jeans that covered her flesh, groaning as she wrapped her arms around me.

“Devon,” she said, her voice gravelly and rough, turning her mouth away from mine, but giving me unfettered access to her throat.

“Hmmm.” I hummed against the skin of her neck, unwilling to disconnect. My lips and tongue worshiped her there, my teeth nipping slightly, eliciting a rough and sharp inhalation from her.

“It’s been a while…,” she started, but then ended on a moan as I found a spot behind her ear she seemed to be particularly fond of. “Since I’ve… oh, God….”

I couldn’t help but smirk against her, loving the fact that I was scrambling her thoughts with my mouth.

“It’s just, I’m not sure I’m ready….” Her words trailed away again, but I got the impression it was less about me and more about her. She wasn’t ready. So even though it would pain me later, I pulled away, immediately finding her eyes with my own.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered immediately. “You being here was the last thing I expected, and I hadn’t planned on you, and even though my body is really enjoying what you’re doing to it, my brain is really insistent that we slow down.”

“You don’t have to apologize, Grace. But can I ask you a question?”

“Sure,” she breathed.

“What is your heart insisting on?”

She blinked up at me, nothing but patience and vulnerability. “It’s begging me not to let you break it.”

I looked at her for a moment, not sure I’d ever had anyone speak words to me that were so completely full of truth and fear and hope. Then I leaned down and kissed her again, only that time it was slow and soft.

An hour later, after Grace had showered and changed and we’d stopped for coffee, I was driving her back to the bar to get her car.

“Have you thought about whether you’re going to press charges?” I asked softly. The last thing I wanted to do was upset her.

“I haven’t decided yet.” She ran her hand through her chocolate-colored hair that was down and drying against her shoulders. “I’ve seen guys like him a lot, being behind a bar. He seemed harmless, and I took him down easily enough when it came down to it. Part of me thinks he was just overconfident, you know? The booze made him bold. He’s just a kid, and I hate the idea of potentially ruining his life over one mistake. But, then I think about what if he tries it with someone else? What if she can’t fight him off as easily? I’m not sure I could live with myself if he hurt someone else because I let him off the hook.”

The more she spoke, the more I wanted just five minutes alone with the dickhead. I also wanted to lock Ruby up in a tower. Or enroll her in Krav Maga classes. Or both. I reached over and took her hand, pulling it into my lap and running my thumb over the back.

“I’ll stand behind whatever decision you make, but you have to remember that you’re not responsible for his actions. Not last night and not tomorrow. Or next month. If you decide not to press charges, you can’t worry about every female in Florida.”

“Thanks,” she said, trying to smile, but it was obvious her thoughts were still plaguing her.

I pulled into the parking spot next to her car, put my car in Park, then turned my body to face her.

“Hey,” I said, using one hand to bring her face around, looking into her blue eyes. “You going to be all right?”

“Yeah,” she answered softly, but then continued, her voice a little stronger. “Thanks to you.”

“I didn’t do anything.” I ran my thumb over the roundness of her cheek.

“Yeah, you did.” Her voice just a whisper again. “You came back for me, you protected me, you took care of me, you were honest with me, and you respected me.”

“Well.” I smiled. “When you put it that way.” Her mouth tipped up into a smile and it felt like the sun had just come out and peeked over a dark horizon. She was so beautiful. “Come over for dinner tonight. The kids will be home, I’ll cook, it’ll be really low-key.”

“Okay,” she agreed without a second of hesitation. “I’ll have to leave early to go to work, though.”

“No problem, we’ll eat early. How’s five?”

“Sounds great.” Her smile grew wider and I couldn’t stop myself from leaning over the console and kissing her, letting my fingers tangle in the wet strands of her hair.

When I finally pulled away, it was only because I knew she had things to do; I would have gladly stayed there and kissed her all day. But instead, she smiled at me again and then I watched as she opened her car door, got inside, and backed out of her parking spot.

It gave me a little relief to know she was safely on her way home, but then I shook off the image of her in the back of the building the night before, fighting off that douche bag. My fingers tightened on the steering wheel, knuckles turning white. I hated the idea of her in a bar four nights a week with drunken assholes, but I also knew it wasn’t my place to tell her to quit or ask her to look for something different. Something safer.

I let out a breath, shaking out my hands, then aimed my SUV toward my parents’ house to pick up my kids.

Hours later, Jaxy was playing Minecraft in the living room and Ruby was lying on the couch next to him reading a book. They’d both been surprisingly quiet and well-behaved all day, which I wasn’t going to complain about.

“Hey, kiddos, scootch.” Ruby swung her legs around, making room for me on the couch next to her. “Jaxy, eyes for a minute.” I waited for the groan or eye rolling, but he didn’t even grumble, just put the controller down and turned to look at me. “So, I wanted to talk to you guys about something.”

Ruby folded down the top corner of the page of her book, closed it, then looked at me with eyes that were exact replicas of her mother’s.

I swallowed hard, trying to find the words I’d been practicing in my head all day since I picked them up. “I want to talk to you guys about Grace.” This piqued Ruby’s interest, her eyebrows shooting up, but Jax just looked attentive, waiting for my next words. “I’ve invited her over for dinner tonight, and I wanted to talk to you about it.”

“I like Grace,” Jaxy said matter-of-factly. “I don’t care if she comes to dinner.”

“Jax, Daddy’s talking to us because he wants to
date
Grace, not just have her over for dinner.”

“What does that mean?” he asked his sister, all his eight-year-old innocence showing through.

“It means Daddy wants Grace to be his girlfriend and he wants us to be okay with it.”

I watched as his eyebrows drew close together, crinkling in the middle, thoughts obviously running through his mind.

“So, he’s going to hold her hand and kiss her and stuff?”

“Yeah,” Ruby answered. “And she’ll probably be over here a lot, and Daddy will be taking us to Grandma and Grandpa’s more, since they’ll want to go out on dates.”

“Grandma gives us cookies every time we go to her house!” Jaxy exclaimed, all too excited by the promise of sugar. His eyes turned to me, a huge sneaky grin across his face. “You can go on as many dates with Grace as you want, Daddy. We don’t mind.”

My eyes darted between my two children. Had Ruby just given Jax the deep and meaningful “Daddy’s Going to Date Again” speech I’d been dreading all day? I knew Ruby was a little more clued in to what was happening between Grace and me, but I expected a little more of a reaction from Jax. Who was I to argue with the logic of cookies at Grandma’s house? My mom’s cookies were phenomenal.

“It’s not just cookies, Jax,” I replied softly, wanting to make sure he understood as much as an eight-year-old could. “I’m spending time with Grace because I care about her, and I want everyone to be comfortable. Does that make sense?”

Jaxy shrugged. “I know you care about her. She’s really nice.” At this point it became obvious Jaxy thought I was being ridiculous, his tone indicating that he already knew everything I was trying to tell him.

“So, you’re okay if we see more of her and she spends time with us?”

“Sure,” he answered, shrugging again. I reached out and ruffled his hair. He ducked away from me, laughing, then turned his attention back to his video game. It seemed as though I’d been worrying myself over nothing. And that was good; I was glad the kids seemed all right with Grace and me spending time together, but it didn’t mean that further down the line things might still get tricky. This was only the first hurdle, but I was glad it was over.

“What are you making for dinner?” Ruby asked.

“Huh?” Her question pulled me from the thoughts bouncing around inside my mind.

“Dinner? With Grace? What are you making?”

“I was just planning on grilling.”

Ruby rolled her eyes and let out an exasperated sigh.

“What?” I asked, laughing at her complete and utter annoyance.

“You always grill when someone comes to dinner.”

I shrugged. “I’m good at it.” That was the truth—I
was
good at it. But more importantly, it was something I knew I couldn’t mess up. It was easy and simple, but tasted damn good.

“But it would be more impressive if you made an effort.”

Well, damn.

“When did you get so smart?”

Another roll of Ruby’s eyes made me laugh.

“Come on, Jax. Daddy’s got to go to the store. We’re going to make something delicious for dinner.”

Chapter
Thirteen

Grace

I knocked on Devon’s door and tried to ignore the flurry of nervous butterflies swarming in my belly. When the door flew open, it was Jax’s smile that greeted me, and that went a long way to ease my anxiousness.

“Hi, Grace. Come on in. Daddy’s in the kitchen with Ruby.”

“Thank you,” I said as I stepped into the house, unable to keep the smile from my face.

“Dad,” Jax yelled, even though the kitchen wasn’t very far away. “Grace is here!”

I was still laughing as I walked around the corner and into the open dining room between the kitchen and living room.

“Hi,” Devon said, looking up at me hurriedly. “You’re early.”

“Am I?” Quickly pulling my phone from my purse and glancing at the time, I gave him a puzzled look. “It’s five till. You said five o’clock, right?”

“Yeah,” he said, his eyes not on me anymore, but on whatever he was working on in the kitchen instead. “I thought I had five more minutes.” He said the words, then glanced at me, giving me a flirty wink.

“Dad,” Ruby said, her tone admonishing, then popped up beside her father. “That’s no way to make Grace feel welcome.”

“They’ve been in there all afternoon. Dad’s making dinner and Ruby’s making dessert.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. We spent, like, an hour at the grocery store.” Jax groaned as he said the words, as if the grocery store was the worst way he could have spent sixty minutes.

Before I could respond I felt a hand at my shoulder and when I turned, Devon was there.

“Sorry,” he said, just before pressing a soft kiss to my cheek. When he pulled back he was wearing his sexy smile, making a shiver run down my spine. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Jax claims you’ve been busy.”

“Ah, yes.” His hand slid down from my shoulder to the small of my back, leading me forward. The closer I got to the kitchen, the more I could smell what they were cooking.

“Daddy was going to grill for you, but I told him that was a terrible idea for a date.” Ruby spoke while all her attention was on whatever she had pulled out of the oven moments ago. I raised my eyebrows and looked at Devon. He noticed my puzzled look and leaned in to whisper in my ear.

“I had the dating conversation with them earlier today. Everyone’s on board.”

“Oh,” I said, even more surprised by his sentence than Ruby’s mention of the word date. I wanted the kids to be comfortable with Devon and me together, but I’d thought that would come with time. I assumed we’d be easing into everything, giving them time to adjust. Apparently, the Roberts clan was more of a rip-the-Band-Aid-off kind of family. The kind of people who jumped in the pool without testing the temperature first. “Uh, grilling would have been fine,” I stammered, trying to cover for the fact that ever since I walked in the door it was one surprise after another.

“No,” Devon said softly, “Ruby’s right. I’ll grill for you some other time. But tonight I shall dazzle you with all the culinary expertise three hours and YouTube have earned me.”

I lifted one eyebrow. “Is it too late to claim I’m ill?”

“None of that,” he said, laughing. “Ruby has helped a lot. I’m sure it’s edible. Well, mostly sure.”

“It smells amazing, whatever it is.”

Devon gave me another smile, then turned to Jax. “Buddy, take Grace’s things and put them on my bed, okay?”

“All right,” he said, holding his arms out toward me like a stiff little robot. All I had was my purse so I placed it in his hands and watched with a smile as he dutifully marched it back to Devon’s bedroom.

“Would you like some wine?”

“Sure, I think one glass would be fine before work.”

“I think white goes with the meal better. Is that all right?” He peered at me over the top of the refrigerator door, and I was stunned for a moment by the effort he was putting forth. I’d thought I was coming over for dinner, something casual and light, and while nothing felt heavy, I was shocked by the time and attention Devon and his children had put into this one meal.

“White would be lovely.”

“I wanted to make chocolate lava cakes, but I needed to make sure they would turn out all right, so I made just one first. Kind of like a test cake,” Ruby said as she grabbed a fork. “If I did this correctly and followed the recipe right, when I cut into this cake, hot chocolate sauce should pour out of it like a volcano.” She looked determined, but also a little nervous to cut into the small round cake, but she finally sliced into it with her fork. She let out an excited cry as the chocolate sauce poured out of the cake. “I did it!” She bounced up and down on her feet while putting the one bite of cake in her mouth. “And it tastes good,” she said, the words muffled slightly by the dessert.

“That’s impressive, Ruby.”

She gave me a proud smile.

“She really wanted to make something fancy for dessert. I was just going to buy a cheesecake or something, but she wouldn’t let me.”

I watched as I tried to hide a grin as Ruby rolled her eyes. “Men,” she said with a sigh.

“All right,” Devon said, giving Ruby a soft and playful flick on the tip of her nose. “Go make sure the table is all set.” She walked out of the kitchen just as Devon handed me a glass of wine. “I’ve put together for you a creamy broccoli, bacon, and chicken pasta.”

My eyes widened at his words. “You have?”

“Yes, and I know I’m the one who made it, but it looks delicious. And the good news is, it was easy to make so if it tastes as good as it looks, my kids and I thank you for the new meal in our rotation. Pizza, burgers, and hot dogs were getting a little old.” He took a sip of his own wine, and then led me to the table, which was set with mismatched plates and cups with paper napkins folded underneath the silverware. The effort he went to for dinner didn’t go unnoticed, but it was also endearing that it was still a glaringly bachelor setup. He led me to one end of the rectangular table and pulled out a chair for me, pushing it in as I sat. Before I realized what was happening, he placed a kiss on the side of my neck. My breath caught in my throat, and then a shiver shot down my spine as he spoke against the sensitive skin of my neck. “You smell amazing.”

Oh, man. My body was emblazoned just by one kiss and a few sweet words.

I felt the heat of his body move away and watched as he went back into the kitchen. I took another sip of my wine, trying to convince my body that it wasn’t, in fact, on fire.

“Ruby, Jax, come to the table,” Devon hollered.

The next forty-five minutes were surreal. Most of the time I felt like an outsider, watching from the other side of a window, peering into a manifestation of every dream I’d ever had as a woman. Then there were other times, instances when Devon or one of the kids spoke to me, where I wanted to pinch myself just as a reminder that this wasn’t my reality.

Ruby and Jax bickered and argued. Devon scolded. Then he joked and the kids laughed. They talked about their days, what was exciting and what was disappointing. They made plans. They smiled. The kids told stories about their dad in an effort to embarrass him, and sometimes succeeded. Devon blushed and told the children he had much more embarrassing stories about them he could tell if they didn’t stop. The children laughed at his threat and then he gave me a bashful smile.

I was circling the emotional drain, swirling around and hitting every emotional checkpoint on the way down. I was laughing with them one minute and then trying to hold back tears the next, taking sips of wine to try and hide the sudden sadness and panic that came on with the wave of devastation.

This.

This was what I’d always wanted. A family. To sit around a table with a man and children, but in my dreams, those children were mine and the man belonged to me as well. There was something about witnessing the normalcy of life between Devon and his children that sent me reeling.

He was a father, and I’d never be a mother. This gaping difference between us hadn’t occurred to me before sitting at a dinner table with the evidence. Well, that wasn’t true. I’d known all along Devon had children; what I hadn’t anticipated was how dating a man with children would make me feel. I’d pictured the rest of my life childless—the only children being the ones I taught and sent home at the end of the day. I’d always imagined dating a man with children would be too difficult, too close to the gaping wound that was always festering, and I was beginning to see that I was perhaps not capable of watching a man father his children without being constantly reminded that I’d never be given the opportunity to parent.

But then he’d look at me over his wine glass, eyes blazing, lips smiling, and something inside me would shift and crumble, just melt away with the heat of his gaze, and the idea of
not
being with him was suddenly the greater of two evils.

Dinner was over but Ruby needed fifteen minutes to bake a new batch of lava cakes, so Devon led me out to his patio. He shut the sliding door behind us, effectively blocking out the noise of Ruby and Jax bickering in the kitchen. I walked to the edge of the deck, resting my wine glass on the railing, and smiled when I felt Devon’s front hit my back. He pressed in close, resting his hands on the deck, caging me in. I loved it. Loved feeling enveloped by him, surrounded and protected.

“I’m glad you came to dinner tonight,” he whispered, his words a breath against my neck, sending shivers throughout my body.

“Me too. Dinner was delicious.”

“It’s funny because when I pictured myself dating again, I imagined it being so much harder than this. I thought there would be a problem with Ruby, mostly, having a hard time with another woman coming into the picture.”

“You didn’t think Jax would object?”

I both heard and felt Devon’s deep intake of breath, and the sigh that immediately followed.

“I wasn’t sure how he’d react, honestly—it could have gone either way. The truth of the matter is, Jaxy doesn’t really remember Olivia much. When she first passed he missed her, of course, but kids are resilient and he just kept trucking along. But the older he gets the fuzzier his early memories become. And that’s all he had—early memories. Ruby remembers more, which is why I thought she’d have a harder time. She remembers her mother and father together.” He paused for a moment and pressed a small kiss against the side of my neck. “I think the easiness has more to do with you than anything.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, you,” he said, laughing, his lips still pressed against my throat. “Jaxy obviously already knew he liked you, and Ruby fell right in line. It wouldn’t have been this easy with anyone else. It’s you.”

My heart leapt at his words. The last time anyone had said “It’s you” to me, they were blaming me for the relationship’s demise. I turned, his arms still caged around me, and looked up into his eyes.

“There are things I want to tell you, things I’ll need to tell you eventually, if we continue,” I started, unsure of where the sudden bravery came from. “But until I can, until I feel like it’s the right time or the right circumstance, I just need you to know that you make me happy.”

His face changed from confused and worried to a smile so bright and joyful, I couldn’t help but smile myself. And my God, he was handsome when he smiled. It never failed to make my breath catch. Before I could say anything ridiculous and embarrass myself, I stretched up and kissed him.

I kissed him softly, wanting to show him with the kiss that I was glad to be there, in his arms, at his house, with his kids. Happy to be with him. And I was. But what my kiss couldn’t say were all the heavy thoughts and memories weighing down my heart.

My hands tentatively reached for his waist, gripping the shirt there, gently twisting the fabric in my fingers, wanting him closer. His fingers feathered over my cheeks as his hands came to cradle my face. His lips were soft against mine, answering my gentle kiss with a tender one of his own. He moved forward just a little, forcing me to step backward, my back pressing into the railing but my front pressing deliciously hard against his.

With every press of his lips against mine, every touch of his tongue against mine, the heaviness in my heart seemed to become lighter, or less noticeable. When he kissed me, I wasn’t thinking about anything except his mouth on mine and his fingers threading through my hair. I was focused on how alive my body felt, how I was breathless for this man.

He eventually pulled away, like I knew he needed to, his forehead resting against mine as we both caught our breath.

“If my kids weren’t in there….” He only sounded mildly irritated, but he laughed regardless.

“Your kids are great,” I whispered, still trying to calm my body down from the effects of his kisses.

“Yeah.” He sighed. Then his mouth pressed a kiss to my cheek and the rest of my defenses simply crumbled around us. “Shall we go see if Ruby’s second batch of chocolate lava cakes turned out as good as the first?”

“You say chocolate and I’ll follow you anywhere,” I said with a smile, trying to hide the fact that I was falling desperately for the man right before his eyes.

He took my hand in his and led me inside, where the chocolate was just as good the second time around.