The Presence of Grace (Love and Loss #2) (14 page)

The way his eyes bored into mine, the way his hands were holding on to me as if he didn’t want to let me go, and his words, all came together and cut me open. A minute before I’d been prepared to walk out and spend an evening alone, crying in my apartment, but I didn’t want to leave him behind. And more than that, I didn’t want him to feel left behind either. It hadn’t occurred to me that we’d both been left behind in the past. It hadn’t occurred to him that we had that in common because, up until that moment, I’d avoided every opportunity to share with him why I’d gotten divorced and moved to Florida.

So, standing in the office of his hardware store with his hands framing my face and tears streaming down my cheeks, I brought Devon along with me.

“The only thing I wanted when Jeff and I got married was a family. We tried to get pregnant on our own, naturally, but it wasn’t happening. When we sought help we were told there was something wrong with me, with my ovaries, and getting pregnant naturally was going to be an issue. I begged Jeff to try in vitro. I had to beg him because he didn’t seem interested at all, which should have been my first warning sign, I’m sure. But I finally convinced him to let me try. It was weeks and weeks of hormone therapy coupled with two failed attempts. Two separate heartbreaking months of hoping and praying to be pregnant, only to have nothing show up on the scan. It was painful and emotionally destructive.” I sucked in a breath and it came back out with a shudder. “And what I didn’t know was that while I was sacrificing my body to make us a family, grieving every time it didn’t work, Jeff was having an affair with his ex-girlfriend.” My eyes closed, heavy with the weight of my words. Maybe it was because I was too tired to keep them open anymore, or perhaps I just didn’t want to see Devon’s face when he realized that I hadn’t been woman enough to keep my husband.

“I couldn’t give him a family, and for a while between rounds I couldn’t give him my body. Apparently I wasn’t enough. But now,” I said, my voice catching on the sob lodged in my throat. “Now he’s married to her and she’s having his baby.” The sob broke free and I collapsed against him, crying for so many reasons. Crying because my ex-husband cheated on me. Crying because I would never be the mother I so desperately longed to be. And crying because I had just told the man I’d hoped I could build some sort of life with exactly what kind of desolate future he would have if he stayed with me.

“Hey,” he whispered into my hair between tender kisses against my temple. “Grace, don’t cry, baby. Shhhh….” He held me as I sobbed, which both soothed and embarrassed me. “I know it sounds trite,” he said as he slowly swayed me back and forth, trying to comfort me. “But any man who would cheat on you is an idiot.” A tiny smile crossed my face, not that he could see it. “But any man who cheats on his wife while she’s sacrificing herself to give him a child, well, he’s an asshole.” Devon pulled back and brushed all my crazy hair away from my face, looking me right in the eye. “And, baby, you deserve better than that.”

He was right, but he was also wrong. Jeff had done something terrible to me, I could understand that. But there was always a bigger part of my brain that held on to the idea that he wouldn’t have cheated on me if I’d been able to give him a child. When he’d married me, he expected a whole woman, but what he’d gotten was a broken one, a woman with something incredibly damaged inside her.

The most terrible part of my brain couldn’t blame him for cheating.

“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice hoarse from crying. “I should go.”

“Grace, no,” he said, his hands coming back to my shoulders. “Please stay and talk to me. If you leave now, I feel like you’re just going to go home and have another breakdown.”

I nodded, unable to vocalize that he was probably right.

“How can I make this better? What can I do?”

“It’s not your job to make it better.”

He pulled back at my words, like I’d insulted him, even though it was the last thing I wanted.

“I realize the man you were with treated you poorly. I’m sure I’ll eventually hear more about the ways he treated the woman he was supposed to cherish, because there will be more with us, Grace. Not because it’s my job, and not because I’m obligated, but because it’s what I want.
You’re
what I want.” His hands slid down my arms and he laced his fingers through mine. “Nothing you just told me makes me want you less. It just makes me want to protect you more.”

“I’m a mess,” I cried. I wasn’t sure if I was trying to push him away more or convince him, but he only laughed and pulled me closer.

“Remember the first time we met, Grace? I was a mess too. Something in the universe keeps pushing us together when we need it the most, and I don’t know about you, but I’m done fighting the universe.”

“It really is a stupid idea,” I said, laughing and crying at the same time, but smiling too. Devon dipped again and kissed me softly.

“I’m sorry you went through all that,” he said against my cheek as his mouth moved to my neck, pressing a kiss there, but then just resting, his arms wrapping around my waist. I curled my arms around his neck and let him hold me. “And I’m sorry the man who should have been there for you through the whole thing turned out to be a classic asshole.” He sighed, his arms tightening around me. “But if I’m really honest, if he’d been a great guy, you wouldn’t be in my arms right now.”

Chills raced down my spine and goose bumps spread all over my arms. He was right. We’d both walked a terrible and sad road, but we’d found the way to each other. The past was in the past, and the future, in this moment perhaps, looked brighter because of the man in front of me.

“There’s still a lot to talk about, but, for now, I’m glad we found each other. Again.”

“Come talk to me over dinner at my house,” he whispered, his face still buried in my neck.

“Okay,” I replied, my voice a soft whisper. Because, honestly, how was I supposed to say no?

Chapter
Fifteen

Devon

It had been an exhausting afternoon. After Grace left, I’d spent the rest of my day at work either worried about her, or really fucking pissed off at her ex-husband. What kind of douche bag lowlife cheats on his wife while she’s trying to give him a child? For the rest of the day, anytime I helped a customer find a product, I only imagined all the ways I could use it to maim him. Rope? I’d tie that bastard up. Hand saw? That could do some damage. Ball peen hammer? Now we’re talking.

My exhaustion must have showed on my face because as soon as I showed up at my parents’ house to pick up the kids, my mom took one look at me, put her worried face on, and insisted on keeping the kids overnight. Ruby and Jax, who’d been camped in front of the television eating something that resembled every parent’s worst sugar nightmare, didn’t object. In fact, they didn’t even look at me. They just waved over their heads and said they were fine sleeping over. So I left without them and realized I had an evening with Grace and no kids.

Suddenly, I wasn’t so exhausted.

I sent her a text and let her know I’d be ready for her in an hour, then rushed home to shower and get dinner ready. I’d already razzled and dazzled her with my cooking skills, with Ruby’s help, so I was going to rely on my grilling abilities. No one ever ate a good steak and regretted it. A perfectly cooked steak could be just as impressive as some other culinary masterpieces. That was what I was banking on, anyway.

When she knocked on my door, right on time, I opened it, grabbed her hand, pulled her in, and kissed her long and hard. She was giggling at first, laughing as though I was being playful. But after a few moments she realized I was not playing, and she melted against me.

She’d left her hair down and I wound my hands through it, pulling gently so her face angled up toward me. I walked her backward, using her body to close the front door, and pressed against her. Her hands were running up and down my back, pulling me closer, and I could feel every breath she took as her breasts pressed against my chest.

I could not get enough of her.

I’d been on board with taking our physical relationship slowly. There was a time and place for everything, and the time and place was not on my couch as my children slept down the hall. And as patient as I thought I was being, Grace had been
even more so
. Most of the time it had been her to stop us, to make us come up for air, before anything completely inappropriate took place. But in that moment, with her breathy whimpers and roaming hands, I wasn’t sure we’d make it to the steaks.

“My mom is keeping the kids overnight,” I said as I pressed kisses along the column of her neck, loving the way her body writhed against mine.

“Mmmm hmmm,” she said, clearly unable to put words together, making me smile against her skin.

“Say you’ll stay the night with me.” She stilled at my words, and I was sort of expecting that. We’d had an emotional afternoon and she probably hadn’t expected to be ambushed with sex when she agreed to dinner, but her hesitation was short-lived, and a moment later she was right back on track with me.

“Okay,” she breathed.

“Here’s what’s going to happen,” I said just before I took her earlobe between my teeth, tugging gently, then letting go. “I’m going to make us dinner, we’re going to talk—about everything—and then we’re going to bed.” I pulled back and met her eyes. “Sound good?”

She nodded, her bottom lip trapped between her teeth.

“Good,” I said, reaching up and gently tugging her lip free. “You’re beautiful when you’re frazzled.” I tucked the hair I’d messed up behind her ear, smiling as I watched her senses come back.

“Frazzled,” she said with a laugh. “That’s a new word for it.”

I kissed her then, because there was no way I couldn’t. Then I took her hand and pulled her away from the door, leading her to the kitchen.

“Take these glasses of wine and go sit outside,” I said, handing her the two glasses I’d poured just before she arrived. “I’ll grab the food and meet you out there.”

She complied, taking the wine outside, and my eyes stayed trained on her the whole time. I gathered everything I needed to cook our meal. We talked while I grilled, no residual awkwardness from that afternoon, our conversation flowing like it always had. When I watched her take the first bite of her steak, when her eyes rolled back in her head just like they had at lunch, I realized how much I loved that Grace enjoyed food. She wasn’t shy about eating and something about that was sexy.

We talked about Jaxy and Ruby, about their upcoming trip to California, but neither of us admitted that we didn’t miss them. Sure, a tiny part of me—the dad part—felt a little bit guilty that I was at home enjoying a real, adult meal, but the biggest part of me was glad my mom had offered to keep them. And I knew Grace was too.

When we were both done eating, I pushed my chair back and turned it, then crooked a finger at her.

“Come here, Grace.”

She gave me a shy smile, but followed my instructions, walking around the table and stopping in front of me. I wrapped my arm around her waist and eased her down on my lap, pulling her close. She laughed and looped one arm around the back of my neck, giving me her signature bright smile.

“So,” she said, laughing and swinging her legs. “Now’s the part of the evening where we talk, huh?”

“Right,” I said, settling my hand on her knee, making her legs still. “I want you to talk to me, but I want you to turn off your filter for a few minutes, and talk to me like you’re not afraid of what the consequences might be.”

“All right,” she said, her voice unsure, her body tensing up.

“Hey.” My hand on her knee moved to cup her face. “Don’t do that, don’t put up any walls. I just want to talk.” She nodded, so I continued. “Tell me, honestly, the man you see yourself with for the rest of your life, how does he support you in regard to having children?”

Her eyes went wide with my question, but I simply slid my hand around the back of her neck and brought her forehead to mine. “It’s okay, Grace. We’re not making plans here, we’re just talking. I want to know where your head is at, how you’re feeling, and what you want in the future. Just talk to me.” She nodded again, took in a deep breath, then relaxed a little as she exhaled. I loosened my hold on her, and we both leaned back. She bit her lip again, her eyes on the hand in her lap, fidgeting, but then eventually her gaze met mine.

“After everything that happened with Jeff, I’d pretty much resigned myself to never having kids. For a long time, I thought I’d never want to be with another man again. You know, scorned woman and all. I figured I’d be single forever and be a fabulous unmarried woman. But then the years passed and I realized I didn’t want to be alone forever. The idea of dating again started to seep in, but I never did because every time I pictured myself dating a man, I pictured having the conversation with him I had with you today. And I always pictured him leaving afterward.” She dropped her eyes again, looking down at her lap. “I mean, no man would want a barren woman.”

“Hey, stop it,” I whispered, squeezing her knee for emphasis.

She shrugged. “I’m being honest, Devon.”

I couldn’t argue with that. Honesty was what I’d asked for.

“Anyway,” she continued. “If Jeff hadn’t cheated on me, if we’d stayed together, I would have done another round of IVF. It was hard, and it was painful in all kinds of ways, but I would have done it again. So, I guess my future husband would have to be onboard for that. Or at least open to it.” She shrugged again and let out a breath.