The No Cry Discipline Solution (62 page)

Swearing, Bad Language, and Bathroom Jokes

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Mother-Speak

“ Abby and I had a very interesting conversation about swear

words yesterday. It went like this:

Abby: Mommy, we can’t say ‘sh*t’?

Mommy: Well, it’s not a nice word.

Abby: It hurts people’s feelings?

Mommy: It can hurt people’s feelings, yes.

Abby: But you say ‘sh*t.’

Mommy (gulping): Well, ummm, yes, I have. But I only say

it when I am really angry or when I’m hurt, like when I

burned my thumb.

Abby (thoughtfully): Mama, if I burn my thumb, may I

say ‘sh*t’?

These days Abby is so into linguistics that she was clearly

just asking for information. It’s not like I could get angry with

her for that!”

—Jenn, mother to Abigail, age 3

Teasing and Name Calling

See also: Playtime Behavior; Sibling Fights

My children frequently tease each other and their

friends. Sometimes they call each other names.

Think About It

Child-sized teasing is a normal way of experimenting with social

interaction and part of the process of fi guring out how relation-

ships work. It is sometimes a misguided attempt at gaining power

or covering emotional hurt. It can also be a sign of nervousness,

shyness, or confusion. Just like anything else that children must

learn, it takes time for them to understand the power of their words and how to properly use that power.

What to Do

• Allow children to work it through.
If the child being teased

doesn’t seem bothered and there are no inappropriate or foul words

being used, then it’s okay to consider this harmless childishness.

Avoid getting involved. Listen in to see if the children can work

through the problem on their own before you step in.

• Teach.
Explain what teasing is and why it’s not right. Focus

your children’s attention away from the actual words used, empha-

sizing teasing in general and its inappropriateness. Discuss the fact

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Teasing and Name Calling

275

that a person who teases is being unkind, even if they don’t mean

to be unkind.

• Redirect.
Interrupt the teasing and change the subject. Redi-

rect the children’s attention to a group activity that promotes coop-

eration, such as building with blocks or playing a board game.

• Make it a family rule.
“We do not tease others.” Post the

rule on poster board, along with three or four other main family

rules, in a central location in your home. (See Family Rules: A Key

to Peace, on page 87.)

• Teach the child who is being teased how to protect herself.

Privately discuss several options that she can use to discourage

the teaser. For example, suggest that she laugh at the comment,

ignore the teaser, or express her unhappiness in a confi dent state-

ment. Let her know that she can come to you if she feels unable

to handle it herself.

What Not to Do

• Don’t ignore adult teasing.
Make sure none of the adults in

the family are teasing the children. Often adults think it’s funny to

tease and assume that the children think it’s funny, too. Children

may even laugh and act as if they enjoy the teasing, when in reality

it hurts their feelings. The children in the family will model the

parents’ actions and tease each other in the same way they have

been teased.

• Don’t assume a child who teases is being bad.
There may

be underlying emotions such as embarrassment or nervousness

that are causing the teasing. See if you can determine what’s really

happening before you jump in to correct the behavior. Once you

understand the origin of the teasing, you can address that fi rst and

teach better ways to handle these emotions.

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Specifi

c Solutions for Everyday Problems

• Don’t embarrass the teaser with a public reprimand.
Inter-

rupt the children when you hear teasing. Take the child aside for

a private discussion. Firmly state your position on teasing. Request

that she apologize and send her back out to play.

• Don’t forget to monitor media infl uences.
Keep an eye on

the TV shows your child is watching. Sources of humor in some

shows are sarcasm and putting people down—which are followed

by big laughs. Your child may be picking up on this and adapting

the technique to her own repertoire.

Toothbrushing

See also: Bath, Not Behaving In; Bath, Not Wanting One

I have to fi ght to get my child to brush his teeth! It’s a

major disruption every morning and every night.

Think About It

Daily tooth care is vital to your child’s health. Having your child

brush every day is an important part of that care. And, there are

ways to make the task less stressful—maybe even pleasant.

What to Do

• Make brushing teeth a part of your routine.
Do it as part

of your morning routine, such as right after your child gets dressed,

and at the same time every night, such as right after putting on

pajamas. If you don’t miss a day, it will soon become a natural habit.

• Model good tooth care.
Children watch their older siblings,

parents, and others for cues to how they should behave. Let your

child observe other people brushing their teeth, including yourself.

Brush together and take advantage of your little one’s desire to

imitate your actions.

• Choose the right brush.
Use a brush designed for chil-

dren. While using a bigger brush may seem more effi cient, it’s the

equivalent of sticking a hairbrush in your mouth—overwhelming.

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278

Specifi

c Solutions for Everyday Problems

Kyleigh, age 2

Instead, opt for the special brushes made especially for children’s

smaller mouths. Choose a soft-bristled brush to make brushing

more pleasant and to prevent hurting your child’s gums.

• Experiment with different types of toothbrushes and

toothpastes.
Search out colorful, musical toothbrushes or those

with playful designs. Try an electric or battery-powered brush made

especially for children. These do a great job of cleaning teeth, and

your little one may enjoy the buzzing sound and tingly feeling. If

you have several brushes, let your little one choose which brush to

use each time he brushes.

• Use only a small swipe of toothpaste.
Too much can be

unpleasant (and unhealthy) for your child, and a tiny bit does the