The Milestone Tapes (41 page)

She settled into the old rocker, her rocker, and fished the recorder out of the pocket of her dress. She had put the tape in earlier that day, knowing that now that the nursery was finished, she could listen.

Oh Mia, you’re going to be a mother! I cannot tell you how happy that makes me and how badly I wish I could be there to help you. This is truly a time I looked forward to. I know that sounds funny since you are only seven right now as I record this, but even better than being a mother, is being a grandmother—all the love and spoiling without any of frustration! (laughter)

Being a mother Mia is not easy. It will bring you joy and pleasure and laughter, as well as tears and hurt and aggravation. And no matter how prepared you are, or how badly you want it ... it’s always a labor of love. Honestly, it’s the best thing in this whole world. It’s everything, and you’ll see that. When they put that little life in your arms for the first time, and you have that moment of clarity, when you understand that you are the one responsible for this baby’s—your baby’s—happiness, you’ll be overwhelmed by your capacity to love, and how ferociously protective you’ll be. It will feel like your heart has grown, doubled itself in one single moment. The love you feel for your child will be different than any other love, and when you feel that, you’ll understand how I felt for you.

I think now is the right time to tell you the story of You. I’m sure you’ve father’s had his say, but, mother to mother, I want you to know how deeply loved you are.

When I decided I wanted to have a baby ... have you ... I knew that I wanted you to have everything in the world. So, we moved to Port Angeles. That little town offered us everything we could need, everything you could want. You’d have beaches and sand, the rain forest, the city was close enough by ferry or plane or car, it was the perfect balance for all the avenues of our lives.

You were born very early on a beautiful sunny morning. I labored with you, for oh, thirteen hours? And then suddenly, after all of that pain and pushing, it was over, you were out and here finally, and crying wildly. Then, the nurse came around and handed me this beautiful little baby girl swaddled in pink. You had the tiniest little hands and feet, and I must have counted your fingers and toes fifty times before I trusted my math, but, yes, you were perfect. Perfectly healthy, with an amazing set of lungs. (laughter)

I looked at you and thought, “mine.” You were mine. My baby girl, after years of wanting you—you were finally here. In the Italian language, “cara mia” means My Dear—which I felt fit you. You were my dear. Elizabeth was my mother’s name, and I wanted to honor her with that. Mia Elizabeth Chamberland, my daughter.

We had three years of bliss. I took to being a mother easily, and you were such a sweet baby. So pleasant and good natured. You won’t remember, but I used to have a bassinet in my office where you’d nap while I wrote—and it was as if we had this unspoken rhythm. Just as I needed a break, you’d wake up and want my attention. We’d go into your nursery and rock in the chair by the window for hours, I’d sing to you and read you stories, I’d make faces and you’d collapse into a fit of giggles. I’d nurse you and feeling the weight of you in my arms was the most peaceful place in the world.

I’ll be honest with you, Mia. It’s the most rewarding job, raising a little one—but it’s far the from the easiest. A child will test your patience and you’ll develop broken record syndrome—repeating yourself over and over just to get the small things accomplished. There will be moments where you will honestly believe you can’t take a minute more of the back talk and sass and bad behavior and the not listening ... but that’s never the case. Kids will be kids, and your child will test your boundaries, just as you tested mine. But, those moments never last. They are tough, and exhausting, but it’s all part of it.

Pick your battles, but always remember, what you do and what you say will shape your child—for the better and for the worse. Sometimes letting things slide because it’s easier than holding your ground isn’t the best thing. Knowing when and why to fight the good fight is a talent—but you’ll just know.

Be a parent first and friend second. It’s the natural inclination to want to be the cool mom, the mom that is fun all the time and has no rules and goes with the flow. But that’s not the reality of parenthood—you’re not their friend. Parenting comes first, you can be your child’s friend later. You might think, as a first time mother, than if you’re not cool enough, your child will resent you and because of that, you’ll grow distant. That’s absolutely not the case. When you can balance the two—the parenting and friendship—your relationship will be stronger for it.

Be honest. Be honest with yourself and with your child every time you can. Sometimes you can’t ... when I was ... dying ... it was very, very hard for me to tell you that. I wanted you to have a childhood and peace. I didn’t want you to live with worry or stress or pain and fear. But, I always balanced that, if I could be honest with you, and it would make you a better person for it, I always was.

Take time for you. I remember, back before I was sick, and we would go to Mommy-and-me classes, and the playground and preschool, there were mothers and their whole lives would revolve around their kids. They’d be worn thin, irritable, cranky, no fun at all. I think everyone needs a break—it’s good for your marriage and it’s good for the baby. Motherhood is a part of who you are—but it’s not all that you are. Sure, there will be times when every waking minute is devoted to childcare ... but go to the salon, get a pedicure or manicure, go on a date with your husband or have a girls day with your friends. Don’t lose yourself because once you do, I think it’s very hard to get that part back.

Have more than one. Okay, now that sounds like pressure—and I don’t want it to be. But, that’s my advice. When we had you, I believed that was it for us. Our one little beautiful baby girl. I was older, that’s no secret, and so was your father ... there didn’t feel like there was enough time to do it again. But when you turned three, I got the itch to do it again. Had I been younger, I probably would have had a gaggle of babies. I loved being a mother, I loved you, and the toys, and chaos, and everything. So, your father and I talked for a while and decided to try just one more time. We were going to give you a sibling. It never happened, and if I have any strong regrets in this life I lead and the choices I made, that well could be the strongest of them all. Those dreams ended then, but I wish I could have given you a built in best friend.

Being a mother—your mother—that was the best thing I had ever done in my life. And I know our relationship ended too soon. But always know, you were my greatest joy, my deepest love. I hope your life was happy and teeming with love, that the things you needed you had and that you gave more than you took, and in turn, you’ll teach your child those things. I know, even now, that you’ll be an incredible mom.

I love you.

She listened to the tape whirred to an end and the recording click to a closed. Mia slowly ran her hand lightly over the rise of her stomach, and a firm nudge responded.

“Jenna Virginia Kristine ... my baby,” Mia whispered.

Ashley Mackler-Paternostro lives in Naperville, Illinois with her husband and their three dogs. The Milestone Tapes is her first novel. She can be found on her website
ashleymacklerpaternostro.com
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Believe it or not, books don’t simply appear, behind the author is a team of support, and this is my chance to officially and formally thank them ...

First of all, I have to thank my husband Mark. The glorious man who married a hairstylist and ended up with an author. The guy who never complained about leftovers and did more than his share of the everyday stuff so that I could tell the story of the Chamberlands. The one who said “do this!” ... I just love you more than words can say. Thank you for everything always.

To my family ... Sue, Jeff, Russ, Judi, Michelle ... thank you for your unfaltering belief that this was possible. It meant the world to me.

Lauren Dee my editor. The amazing woman who agreed to take this project on and willingly read through my mistakes to make this story what it is. Your patience and professionalism really turned this ship around. A simple thank you doesn’t seem like nearly enough ...

Renu Sharma, the creative mind behind the cover who gave imagery to my words. You are a doll for putting up with my obsessive, perfectionist mind. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Alicia Brockway, my publicist, for taking the chance on an unknown with excitement and optimism. Whatever success this book may bring, it’s absolutely shared.

And last ... but most certainly not least ... the author with the code name Deshipley. She posted on my blurb contest and came up with such a beautiful ‘sums it up nicely’ that I had to include her here in this goodness. Thank you, thank you.

And of course ... the readers of my blog, La Bella Novella. Oh, how I adore each of you. This is where the journey was going all along ... thank you for strapping in and taking this wild ride with me!