The Milestone Tapes (39 page)

“I’m gonna go, sugar.” Ginny hefted herself from the couch, and started towards the door.

“You’re leaving?” Mia spun around, panicked, and gripped her chest. She wasn’t ready.

“Relax, I’ll be back in the morning. I’m just tired, need a good nap.” Ginny winked and called out her goodbyes to Kris.

“Ginny?” Mia called out.

“Yes, hon?” Ginny replied, pulling on her shoes by the door.

“I love you,” Mia almost whispered, her voice carrying over the empty space of the house.

“I’ve always loved you, too. Always.”

~ * * * ~

Kris had ordered pizza from a local shop, and the greasy cardboard box laid across the table, paper plates smeared with forgotten toppings shoved into the waiting garbage can. Gabe had grabbed a beer from the fridge before shutting himself in his office to finish packing. Kris was mulling around the house, moving from one task to another.

Mia grabbed her phone and strayed into the family room, punching in the familiar set of numbers.

“Bryan! Oh, hey, I’ve been trying to reach you! Where have you been?” Mia breathed a sigh of relief into her phone, laying down on the couch.

“Oh, hi Mia. I’ve been ... busy. What’s up?” he asked, his voiced soaked in something that sounded faintly of disinterest.

“I was just calling to say hi—we’re leaving in the morning and I just wanted to … ” She sat up, resting her elbows on her knees feeling slightly off kilter.

“Can you meet me? At the trail head in like, thirty minutes?” Bryan cut her off asking casually. She could picture him, consulting his watch-less wrist, which always struck her as an odd thing to do.

“Oh—sure, yeah.” Mia brightened. That was their place. She could use a walk. she wanted to feel her hand in his; she wanted to talk about how things in Seattle might be good and exciting for them.

“Okay, cool. See you.” The phone clicked off quickly.

Mia pulled on a light summer weight sweater and her hiking shoes. Boxes held most of her belongings now, stacked high along the walls boarding the hallways.

“Dad? Kris? I’m going for a walk with Bryan!” She slid the slider closed behind her and trotted the short distance to the clearing in the thick underbrush.

The woods smelt mossy and fresh, a thin summer drizzle got caught in the in the trees keeping her blessedly dry, even in the early summer the Pacific Northwest never was really balmy. Mia wished she brought her camera, wished she could remember to document the wonder and beauty and grace of her childhood home, knowing soon the smooth stones and towering trees would be replaced for gritty concrete, chrome and glass buildings. She wanted to somehow keep all of this with her when they left.

“Hi.” Bryan came up behind her silently.

“Oh, Jesus, you scared me.” Mia laughed, clutching her chest.

“Sorry.” Bryan shuffled his feet, looking down.

“I’ve been trying to call you all day ... Kris wanted to know if you wanted to join us for dinner, we’re leaving tomorrow—”

“I know.”

“And you what? Just didn’t answer?” Mia felt the prickle of outrage.

“I was busy.”

“Oh, that’s okay, would you like to—”

“Mia—” Bryan cut her off, shaking his head slowly side to side sullenly.

“What’s wrong?” Mia blurted out.

“What do you mean?” Bryan asked innocently, his eyes going wide with surprise at her question.

Mia fingered the necklace he had given her for Christmas, the stones smooth under her fingers distracted her from the panic building in her chest rapidly. “You’re acting ... weird, Bryan, what’s going on?”

“Mia … ” Bryan began, kicking at a clump of wood chips. “I think we should ... break up.” His skin flamed an unnatural red, and he avoided her eyes.

The words jumbled, all she felt for him severed with two simple words put together only to hurt her.

“What? You want to—Why?” Mia asked incredulously, gasping.

“I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, trying to figure out a way to—be fair to you,” he stuttered over his words, finally meeting her eyes. They were clear, hard stones of brown.

“You’ve been ... thinking about this?” Mia felt a pain rip at her chest. She wanted to fall to the ground. She loved him, trusted him, and he had been planning on leaving her, plotting to hurt her.

“I don’t know, Mia, it’s just that ... I’m going to college, it’s a different world than you’re going to be living in.” Bryan raised his hand as if to cup her face but let his hand fall back to his side, looking into her eyes. “It’s not that I don’t … love you anymore, I do ... but things are going to be … different now, and I think it would just be easier for both of us if—”

“But ...” Mia began, biting her tongue, cutting him off. His words were empty shells void of meaning and sincerity. She tasted blood. She wanted to yell at him, scream that she hated him and that he was ruining her life, taking away the last bit of her familiar, happiness, normalcy, the only thing in the city that would have mattered. But she couldn’t. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of that.

Her words failed her, fell away into black nothingness and she let them go. She felt hollow and broken, standing in the same place where he’d once professed his love for her.

“I’m sorry, Mia ... really. I hate myself for doing this, and I should have realized before how hard it would be, you in high school, me, I’m in college—but I can’t, I won’t, lead you on anymore. I hope you can understand.”

“I’ll be fine,” she lied, willing herself not to cry, gnawing on her lip, swallowing the thickness in her throat back.

“I know you will.” Bryan pulled her in close, pressing her against him.

She breathed in deeply. He smelled like he always did, but something sweet also caught the plane of his chest, something she didn’t recognize, floral and sugary. And then she knew. Mia tugged herself out of his embrace, she spun around and headed back towards the safety of her home.

“Goodbye, Bryan,” she called over her shoulder, quickening her pace, pleading to save the tears until she was in the privacy of her room.

“Mia, wait ...” he called after her, she could hear him start after her and quickly give up, but she didn’t slow down or turn around or speak another word. She left him standing there, not caring whether he stayed or left, lived or died. He wasn’t her Bryan anymore, she didn’t know the boy standing there, calling after her, her Bryan was gone, for how long—she didn’t really know.

Mia breezed by Kris who stood frozen, watching with a fearful expression that mimicked Mia’s, her hand half extended, unsure.

“Not now Kris, sorry, but not right now,” she hollered, slamming the door to her room with enough force to shake the frame.

And she left herself go.

The tears were silent and vicious, wracking her body, shaking her, spilling down her cheeks, pooling at the hollow of her throat. Everything hurt and her eyes burned, her stomach heaved with violent, empty retches, and she couldn’t breathe. She wrapped her arms around herself until the emotional onslaught passed.

Mia knew Kris was outside her door, and that comforted her, but she didn’t want her, or Gabe or Sophia or even Ginny, she only wanted her mom.

Scrambling from her knees, she opened the small box on her desk, shuffling the tapes noisily until she found the one she needed. Snapping open the compact plastic sleeve, she wrestled the tape inside the small recorder, clamped it shut, she stomped her finger down on the play button, exhaled and listen. Her mother’s voice filled her room.

Right now, you probably feel like you’re dying. You probably feel like the world has ended and you’re the sole survivor; alone and scared and confused … and most of all, worst of all, hurt.

When I started recording these tapes for you, sweetheart, there were some I hoped you would never listen too ... this was just one of them. But a broken heart, that’s part of life. It’s one of the cruel, unfair parts of being sensitive and giving and emotional.

When you fall in love with someone, you always go in with the best of intentions. You go in believing this could be the one—that the way you feel will last forever, but often times, that’s not how it ends—especially when you’re young. And you know what? What you’re feeling right now, that’s just another part of being in love ... the end of it. You’re not crying for all the things you had, the memories you made, the way you felt...you’re crying for all the things you’ll never have, the memories you won’t make, the way you won’t feel—about that person—anymore.

I wish I had the words to take away your pain ... but I don’t. Truthfully, honey, no one does. Time is the only thing that will heal what you’re feeling, ease the hurt. It won’t happen overnight, unfortunately, and it may get worse before it gets better. But, someday you’ll wake up and feel better, marginally at first, and then over time you’ll notice that the tears and ache have faded, and one day you’re just okay again—not the same as before, your heart will have a small scar, but it does get better. Broken hearts do heal, but not with words or a magic pill or a Band- Aid, only with time—and that’s what you’ll find out. This pain, it’s not forever.

Do you remember when I told you about David Greene? Well, the story, as you may have guessed, didn’t end simply—we didn’t drive off in his blue mustang to live our happily ever after. And, by the way, thank goodness we didn’t ... otherwise I would have missed out your Daddy and most of all, I would have missed out on you.

David left for boot camp at the start of August, as planned. And in the beginning, we wrote each other often. I was the girl who sprayed the notebook paper with perfume, and wrote the word love with a heart instead of a “v.” At first, it was great. When the mailman came, I could almost count on a letter in David’s block handwriting to be waiting for me. I went off to Seattle for school and things changed then, the letters trickled off and eventually completely stopped. I made excuses and figured he was busy, but the truth was, he was ending our relationship the only way he knew how, which was, to stop being an active participant in it.

I spent the first half of my freshman year, the time I should have been making friends and studying and living it up, mourning the loss of my relationship. Do I regret that? Now that I’ve had you, and your father and our life together ... yes. But at the time, I was so hurt and confused, there was no other way for me to feel—I didn’t know that all wonderful things that lay ahead for me, so I let the pain hold me in one place.

And just like I told you, I hurt over that for a long time ... but it got better. I met new people and surrounded myself by the things I enjoyed and one day I woke up and I was okay—I was changed, definitely not the same, but I’d like to think David Greene made me a better person. I learned from him and our relationship. I learned to treat people with respect, to own my decisions and be accountable for my choices. That’s how you make the most of this, you take the good you can learn from it, and you leave the rest behind.

So Mia, I know right now you’re feeling like this just the end of everything that matters. But it’s not, I promise you. You have to pick yourself up and put yourself back together—whatever that means to you. You’ll cry your tears, and that’s okay ... but you pick yourself up and put yourself back together. When you’re dating someone, when you’re in love with someone, and even when you’re married to someone, heartbreak is a risk you take. Not everyone you meet is the one you’re meant to be with forever and always. It doesn’t matter how many times you’re wrong about someone or how many times you fall in and out of love, it only matters that, just once, you’re right—and that one time, that’s the time that really counts.

I’m sorry you’re hurting honey, and I wish I could undo your pain ... but be strong and be brave. I love you.

Mia listened for the familiar recorder click off, and pressed the rewind button. Her throat ached around her empty sobs, she felt exhausted and wired all at the same time, and her chest hurt like someone ran through her. Someone did. She wanted her mom, not some recording on a tape, but her real flesh and blood mother with warm arms and a soft touch and the patience to weather this devastation with her.

Kris opened the door slowly, crossing the room and slunk onto the floor where Mia had crawled into a tight ball. Kris gently pulled Mia into her arms, onto her lap, rocking her softly as though Mia were just a little girl.

“He ... he ... he,” Mia hiccupped, trying to put the words in the right order, trying to force them out, but she couldn’t, she couldn’t say the words out loud or to herself. The pain reeled, licking against her like flames.

“Shh,” Kris cooed softly in her ear, hugging her closer, holding her broken pieces together. “Everything is going to be okay, everything is going to be okay.”

Mia’s eyes slid shut without effort and that was the last thing she remembered.

~ * * * ~