The Milestone Tapes (32 page)

“Definitely,” Bryan agreed, kissing Mia again. “I’ll walk you.” He took her hand in his, pulling her back towards the clearing of the house.

“So, tell me.” Mia dragged her feet as they approached the house, it was dark against the night sky. “How did you know ... that you loved me?”

“It wasn’t one thing, honestly, it was everything. It was you. Just you.” Bryan fumbled with the words, holding tight to Mia’s hand. “How did you know?”

“I don’t know really. I just kissed you and I was so scared you were over this, and I was like, if he says we’re done, I’ll break into a million little pieces.” Mia walked him through her logic. “It wasn’t like a conscious decision, you know? I didn’t decide to love you. It was just a feeling.” She pulled his hand to her mouth and kissed it softly.

“I’ve never felt like this before, Mia, ever. Thank you for this.” He kissed her softly, depositing her on her door step. “I’ll see you at school?”

“Yes, I’ll be there.” Mia smiled

“I love you Mi.”

“Love you, too.”

Mia floated inside, weightless with wonder. She felt good, better than good, she felt alive and centered and changed, like suddenly all the feeling she had for Bryan were summed up in a single word: love. She loved him, everything about him.

The house was still dark, Gabe was sleeping undisturbed. Mia knew she needed to sleep too, that the morning would creep up soon, and she’d be expected to be present and awake and ready to learn. She’d walk down the bland hallway papered with posters and flyers and everything that colored her ordinary day, only now she’d be holding Bryan’s hand, knowing that everything about their relationship had shifted, they had love.

But she was wired, restless, excitement and joy gave her energy. She knew what she wanted to do. Creeping silently towards her bedroom, her anticipation mounted with each step. The pretty box sat atop her desk.

The first time I fell in love, Mia, I was eighteen. It was the summer between high school and college, and I was living life for the moment, counting down the days until I left for school, writing notes to my future roommate, Diane, dragging my mom to Marshall Fields so we could outfit me for school. I worked nights at the neighborhood Dairy Queen and spent the days slathered in baby oil working on my tan. It was pretty great.

That’s where I met this boy, David Greene, at the local swimming pool. He was handsome, and funny, and he had this very, very cool car—a midnight blue mustang that he babied, he was a great dancer and knew where all the cool parties were, how to get us in and how we could drink for cheap—you know, all the stuff that matters. (laugher)

All the girls liked him. And it’s funny, because I was definitely not the type to fall for the popular boy ... but David was different. Oh yeah, he was cute and all of that, but he was smart—not like book smart, but street smart. David had enlisted in the Army a few weeks before we met and was shipping off at the end of summer for boot camp, so we were both kind of in the same place more or less ... both moving forward, getting out, going on and just trying to have fun, counting down the days to real freedom. It’s an exciting time, that precarious balance between childhood and adulthood.

So, anyway, we spent the summer just hanging out. We would go bowling and dancing, lay out at the pool and sometimes go downtown Chicago to the lake beaches. It was fun, he was fun. Slowly, I started to feel this pull. It wasn’t an instant thing, like love can sometimes be, but rather it was like this gradual building of something I couldn’t explain. And then one day I just realized that what I was feeling was love and that yes, I loved him.

I knew I loved him because, suddenly, all the things that were changing for him were more important than the things that were changing for me. I worried about everything he’d see and be a part of, things that were so far beyond my control, those things kept me up at night. I wanted to make sure he’d be safe, and comfortable ... even thought I knew he’d never be safe—he was going into the Army, and being comfortable was very subjective. I just wanted to protect him from all the bad stuff so much it hurt. That was the way my love for David Greene came out, the way it manifested itself.

And realizing you love someone, or that you’re in love Mia, can come to you in different ways. When I fell in love with your daddy, it was quick ... the first time he smiled, knocked me back and stole my heart—I was done, that was the man I was going to marry, the man who would be the father of my children—child. But love is different more often than it’s the same. I can only tell you this: when you know, you just know.

That changed things for me. Once I knew I loved him, I wanted to keep him with me. Suddenly all the things that were so important not that long ago shifted, he became what was extremely important. When we started seeing each other, we both had these big plans and now it was like I was trying to figure out ways to make Dave and me work against these impossible odds. I told him how I felt, I told him I loved him ... and you know what? He told me he loved me too. It was amazing, like nothing else in this world...to love and be loved … it’s wonderful, Mia.

Being in love, means a different sort of responsibility than you’ve probably ever had to before. It means putting another person before yourself, and taking care of their heart the same as you take care of your own. It’s a tremendous responsibility. Even if you’re young, love and all that comes with it can be very, very real and very, very strong.

Love will never be sweeter than the first time. You have no emotional baggage, no prior disappointments and no emotional scars. You will learn so much about yourself as you give away a part of yourself to another person.

Mia, I am so happy you met someone who inspires you to love them—I am sure whomever you’ve chosen is an amazing person. You are an incredibly lovable person, so I’m not surprised that love has found you. But, I just want you to be safe and smart about it. I want you to remember, no matter what, that you have to still keep your priorities in line … that means making time for school, friends, extracurricular activities, your family. Find balance, a healthy balance. Love can fit into your life, and you don’t have to give up anything to have it.

This is a very exciting time, enjoy it, learn from it, and grow. I love you.

The tape clicked to an audible end, Mia sat quietly, swiping tears away with the back of her hands. Her mother’s voice, she missed the words, the meaning, and only heard the voice. Her soft, sweet voice. She was lost in the way the Midwestern hitch caught words and flattened others. The pitch and tone, so familiar and foreign to her. She rewound the tape, playing it again, this time taking in the words. Listening, just listening.

Mia crawled into her bed that night, beneath the soft sheets and laid her head on the fluffed down pillow. She closed her eyes and imagined her mom: young and tan and very much alive feeling just as she did right now. She felt linked to her in that moment, she could see her mother’s world—before cancer, before her father, before Seattle and college—just young and starting out, in love with a boy who had deployment papers and a blue Mustang.

~ * * * ~

“I listened to a tape last night.” Mia chewed her cereal slowly, carefully. The morning was surprisingly bright, rising to meet her mood.

“Which one?” Ginny asked, lowering her glasses and pushing the morning paper aside, deciding whatever Mia was going to say was far more interesting than the latest new from the West End.

“The ‘first love’ tape.” Mia focused on nonchalance, sipping her glass of freshly squeezed juice.

“Whoa, back up just one minute, sweetness ... love?”

“Yes, love. I love him, Ginny,” Mia allowed a small smile before going back full force to the bowl.

“Wow. Take a week to go visit my son, and bam ... you’re in love.” Ginny let out a long, low whistle, and settled back in her chair.

“Do you think it’s too soon?” Mia asked, concerned. She wasn’t sure how this love thing was supposed to work.

“Absolutely not. Everyone moves at their own pace, Mia, sometime it’s fast and sometimes it’s slow.” Ginny waved her hand in the air dismissing Mia’s concern.

“Oh,” Mia nodded, it sounded very much like what her mother said on the tapes.

“I think you’re young ...” Ginny allowed. “So I want you to be safe and responsible with your feelings and where they may ... go ...” Ginny smiled and trailed off adding a subtle wink for good measure.

“Ginny, are you talking about sex?” Mia laughed at the thought. Aunt Sophia had beat her to the punch years ago, the bees and birds weren’t strangers.

“More or less,” Ginny admitted, running her wide finger across the lip of her coffee cup.

“Aunt Soph already told me about it, don’t worry.” Mia felt the all too familiar blush creep up her neck threatening her cheeks.

“All the same, you need to go to a doctor, you let me know, okay? No need to be embarrassed about these things, I raised four kids. I know a thing or two. Now, tell me about the tape.”

Mia shook her head, trying to empty her mind of the almost sex talk.

“Well, basically Mom told me about her first love.” Mia gathered her bowl and made her way to the sink. “She told me how love is about balance, and how my first love is the sweetest.”

Ginny nodded. “Your mom was a very smart woman.”

“I listened to tape like ten times, just to hear her voice,” Mia admitted, hearing her mother’s laugh, hearing her tell a story, it was addicting. “I felt like I got to know her a little, like she was real again, like she was there, in my room, and understood exactly how I was feeling and said exactly what I needed to hear.”

“I believe that was the point, honey. She wanted to stay with you in whatever way she could, and I think she’d be so happy to know that you feel like she’s still here when you listen to the tape.”

“I really did, it was weird. I feel asleep seeing her, she was eighteen and carefree with this boy who she loved.” Mia smiled. “I pictured her licking the side of a ice cream cone under the Chicago sun, perched atop a glittery blue Mustang, dreaming about becoming a writer being madly in love with a boy who was off to fight for his country.”

“That’s probably very close to how it was,” Ginny mused, loading the mess from the sink into the dishwasher.

“So, guess what?” Mia changed the topic.

“Hmm?”

“Dad has a girlfriend.” Mia hopped on top of the counter, calculating how long she had before she’d be officially running late.

“Mmm-hmmm.”

“And I’m going to meet her.”

That got Ginny’s attention. “Really? When?”

“We’re going to Seattle on Friday. I’m driving down after school.” Mia pulled a loose thread on her jeans.

“That’ll be nice. Are you excited?”

“Kind of. Interested, curious. This Kris lady is apparently very important to Dad.” Mia mimicked her Dad’s tone.

“Is that so?”

“Yeah, that’s what he said. He tried to do the whole ‘she’s my friend’ thing ... but I saw through that real quick.” Mia added the quotation for good measure.

“And you’ll remember to be nice? Even if you don’t take to her quick?” Ginny adjusted her glasses and pulled a bunch of tomatoes from the fridge.

“Of course! At least I’d try,” Mia amended, wondering for the first time how she’d feel if this Kris woman wasn’t what she was imagining.

“Good. You can’t go runnin’ around with bad manners.” Ginny pulled a knife from the carving block and turned the faucet on ice cold.

“But, what if I don’t like her or what if she doesn’t like me?” Mia worried.

“Honey, you are who you are … she is who she is and if your father picked her, I’m sure she’s a good person. You’ll take it as it comes, that’s all anyone can ask of you.”

Mia nodded in agreement, hoping off the counter. “I’ve gotta go to school.”

“Okay sweetness, your lunch is in the fridge.” Ginny gestured the sharp knife to the fridge.

“Thanks Ginny, see you later.” Mia kissed her quickly on the cheek, gathering her things and made her way towards the front door.

The drive into Seattle was easy. Mia had enjoyed the way the Jeep took the curves and rolled over the empty, winding roads. Her nerves jangled hard; she wasn’t sure how this was supposed to go. Was she supposed to hug Kris or could she just shake her hand?

As she pulled into the restaurant, she mentally steeled herself for whatever.

“Mia?” Gabe walked across the damp parking lot towards her, Mia’s eyes darted around the parking lot looking for any hint of Kris.

“Hey Dad.” Mia gave him a quick hug, looking over his shoulder.

“How was the drive? Okay?”

“Super easy. Am I late?” Mia glanced at her watch.

“No, not at all. Kris is over there.” Gabe gestured towards the sloping green canvas awning illuminated by soft spots of light bleeding from the restaurant's entry way.