The Milestone Tapes (24 page)

Sophia crept towards the master bathroom and plucked a glossy pale pink bottle from the cluster on the marble counter. She turned the hourglass shaped bottle over in hands, running her fingers over the embossed print of the brand. It was like her mother would have wanted, it had always been their thing, polishing each others toes and having some of the best conversations. They’d done it for their whole childhood and into the older years before Elizabeth got sick and Jenna left for college, perched on the edge of the bathroom vanity, their feet nestled in their mother’s lap, they’d laugh and joke and share secrets in hushed tones. This was something she could do for Jenna, something only Jenna would understand the importance of.

Sophia wandered back to the bed and sat down at the bottom, raising Jenna’s foot in one hand carefully. She unscrewed the dainty brush and slowly, methodically began dragging slow steady strokes over the nail.

“Jenna,” Sophia began softly, “I want you to know that I love you, and that ... I’m sorry ... sorry we wasted so many years pretending. I wish I could take all of that back now. I always knew you loved me ... and I love you so much. You’re just like Mom; so brave and so strong and so loving. You’re a good mother, Jen, I hope you know that. I look at Mia and see how much you love her and I hope you know that you have nothing to regret, that you lived your life the best you could and that you did really, really well,” Sophia moved from nail to nail without thinking, lost in her own mind, saying all the things she’d held back.

“You ... you can rest now. I’m here and I’m going to stay for as long they need me. I don’t want you to be afraid, I want you to be brave.”

Sophia recapped the polish and blew lightly on Jenna’s tones.

~ * * * ~

Hours passed slowly, Sophia kept watch but Jenna never stirred. She must have dozed off when she felt a hand lightly brush her shoulder.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to you wake you.” Gabe spoke softly just above her. “Can I talk to you, in the hallway?” He tilted his head towards the dark hall.

Sophia couldn’t help but think he looked better, rested. He was still sloppy and needed a shower and shave, but she could see that the hours of unconsciousness that done him some good.

“Did you sleep well?” Sophia asked, following him out and slumping to the floor in the hallway. She could hear Ginny and Mia chattering in the kitchen, along with the smell of something spicy and rich cooking. Her stomach rolled, almost painfully empty she hadn’t had anything to eat since Ginny had called her early yesterday morning.

“Yeah, thanks.” Gabe also sank to the floor across from her, his knees pulled up and arms resting slightly askew on them.

“Is this shift change?” Sophia asked casually, craving a hot shower, warm meal and soft bed, in that order.

“I wanted to talk to you really quick,” Gabe began thoughtfully, pulling the words with intent. “Jenna told me that when your mom was sick, you took care of her. Jenna was away at school, and that you did most of the heavy stuff.”

“That’s all true.” Sophia nodded.

“You were just a kid ... ” Gabe voiced trailed off as his gaze followed the voices in the kitchen.

“She was my Mother, she needed me.” Sophia leaned her head against the wall and looked at the ceiling, wishing there something else to say.

Gabe nodded once before continuing. “Did it hurt you? Like now, do you wish you hadn’t had to be there, to see her like that?”

“Sometimes. But, I can’t imagine it any other way. I think, if I hadn’t been there, it would bother me more.” Sophia looked towards the bedroom, remembering the way Jenna carried her guilt like a wool blanket for the rest of her life. Sophia didn’t share the same burden, and for that, she was grateful.

“Is that how you remember her?”

Sophia closed her eyes and thought of her mother. Maybe it was the moment she’d shared with Jenna or maybe it was genuinely how she remember Elizabeth, but the first thing she remembered was how Elizabeth used to paint her toenails when Sophia was just a little girl. After a warm bath, she was tell Sophia to prop her toes up on her lap, and her mother would skillfully sweep the tiny brush coated in a shiny lacquer over her tiny shell pink nails. Sophia smiled. Her toes always looked like tiny pink sugar coated gumdrops.

“No, Gabe, that’s not how I remember her.” And that was the truth, she needed to be sure, but it was the truth. “I remember her being sick, of course I do, but I remember all the good stuff first.”

“Hmm,” Gabe mused.

“And to answer your other question, no, I don’t regret it, not for a single minute. I’m happy I was there, happy I got to hold her hand and tell her how much I loved her. It brought me peace,” Sophia continued. “Actually, I think I found a deeper peace with Mom passing than Jenna did. I was able to help her pass on. Jenna, I know, regrets not being able to be there ... She told me that, Gabe. She’d want Mia there, not for the scary stuff, but for Mia’s own everlasting peace.”

“Are you sure?” Gabe asked, searching Sophia’s face.

“I am Gabe, one hundred percent sure.” She climbed to her feet, stretching her back, which felt stiff and brittle, patted him once on the hand and wandered towards the kitchen.

~ * * * ~

“Momma?” Mia walked slowly towards Jenna’s bedside. Each footfall tentative. Gabe and Sophia stood nearby, gently encouraging her forward.

“Hi baby,” Jenna welcomed her, voice splintering over each word, the sound of labored breathing padding the room.

“Hi Momma.” Mia sat on the edge of the small chair beside the bed, looking at her mother.

“I’ve missed you.” Jenna reached for Mia’s hand, and Mia, meeting her half way, smiled weakly.

“I miss you, too Mommy.” Tears slide down Mia’s cheeks. Sophia turned away, biting hard on her lip.

“How’s school?”

“Daddy is letting me stay home.”

“That’s fun, it’s always nice to play hooky.” Jenna smiled at her daughter. Her lips cracked and spread into a feeble smile.

Mia stared at Jenna, her eyes wide and uncertain, scared.

“Gabe, Sophia ... I’m okay. Can I have a minute alone with Mia please?” Jenna asked softly.

“I don’t—” Gabe began, taking a small step forward.

“It’s fine Gabe, really. I just want to talk to Mia for a moment, it won’t take long.” Jenna halted him, an urgency in voice told him to let her win this one.

“We’ll be right outside,” Gabe cautioned.

“I’m counting on that,” Jenna chuckled softly, ever aware of the protectiveness Gabe felt for his girls.

Jenna waited until she heard the knob click quietly closed before she continued. “Scary, huh?” she turned to Mia, looking into her eyes.

“Kind of,” Mia conceded, looking embarrassed, a rosy blush creeping over her cheeks.

“It’s okay, baby, I know. This is scary, and it’s okay to be afraid, you’re just a little girl,” Jenna soothed, stroking the top of Mia’s hand lightly with her thumb.

“I don’t want to be scared,” Mia defied, trying to be strong, always so brave.

“Being scared is okay. Sometimes life is scary, and when it is, it’s brave to say you’re scared.”

Mia nodded softly, trying to understand the message behind Jenna’s words. “Are you going to get better again soon?” Mia asked.

“No, baby, not this time,” Jenna answered honestly, but she couldn’t bring herself to talk about death and dying and would come next. She didn’t want to spend this precious time, with so little left, on that. “You know I love you, Mia?”

Mia nodded again.

“And you know that you are the best thing that I’ve ever done, the greatest gift, that you’re everything to me?” Jenna affirmed; she needed to know that Mia knew that, felt it, understood that she was the reason for Jenna’s whole life.

“Yes, Momma, I know.” Mia’s little lip trembled with unshed tears.

“Come lay down with me,” Jenna asked, lifting back the corner of the blanket for Mia to crawl beside her.

Mia snuggled down on Jenna’s side, resting her head on Jenna’s shoulder.

“When I first found out you were coming, that you were this tiny little being warm and safe inside me, I thought that was the happiest day of my life. I had wanted you so badly, for so long, I thought nothing could be better,” Jenna began, her voice no more than a hushed whisper in the cool, dark room.

“And then you were born, and I thought, no, that was the happiest day of my life. And then one day, you called me Momma, and I realized, I’d been wrong all along, that that must be the happiest day of my life. And then one day I realized that there is no one singular happiest day of motherhood, that every single day is the best day. You gave me that.” Jenna leaned down and kissed the top of Mia’s head.

“I love you so much Mia, and I want you to have the most beautiful life. I want you to chase your dreams, and dream big. I want you to have every opportunity, and set this world on fire. You are an amazing little girl, and I have been so blessed, beyond words, to be your Momma.” Tears slid down Jenna’s face, and in her arms she felt Mia shake with quiet tears.

“And soon, I won’t be able to be with you anymore, I have to go be with the Angels in Heaven. But I promise, I will always be watching over you, I will always be your Momma and even if you can’t see me, you can trust that I’m nearby, with you always.”

“Please don’t go Momma,” Mia begged.

“Oh, baby, I don’t want to go, but I have to,” Jenna wept; it broke her heart to know the words were true, and that she would give anything to stay, but how could she possibly explain this to a child in a way that would make sense, when it hardly made sense to her?

“Momma, my heart hurts.”

“I know baby, mine too.” Jenna held Mia close, letting the quiet settle over them like a warm blanket.

~ * * * ~

Hours later, Gabe slipped into the room. The nurse had come to get him, a panicked look spread across her face.

“Mr. Chamberland, you need to come get Mia, quickly!” She turned and sprinted back down the hall, Gabe and Sophia close on her heels.

Jenna’s breath came in short, frenzied spasms. Mia sat beside her, holding her hand, her eyes wide with horror.

“Mia, baby, come with me,” Sophia coaxed sweetly to her niece, prying her hand away from Jenna’s.

“Ginny!” Sophia screamed down the hall as Ginny ran towards the room. “Take her, please!” Sophia transferred Mia’s hand into Ginny’s and hurried back to Jenna’s side.

“What’s going on? What’s happening?” Gabe pled with the nurse to answer him, but she was fixed entirely on Jenna, rolling her slowly to her side, rubbing tenderly at her hand.

“She’s having trouble breathing, Mr. Chamberland,” the nurse’s calm voice sang, compassionately reserved and focused only on making Jenna comfortable.

“Jenna, Jenna,” Gabe repeated, kneeling close to her face, smoothing his hand through her hair. “It’s okay baby, I’m here, I’m here, you’re going to be okay. Please be okay.”

“Mr. Chamberland, please,” the nurse implored, trying to gain more access to Jenna. “Can someone page her doctor?” She turned to Sophia, knowing Gabe wouldn’t be moved.

“Of course.” Sophia sprinted from the room.

Jenna’s breathing slowly, ratcheting her chest, but the gasping subsided. Gabe collapsed into himself, his face hitting the soft mattress, throttling his tears.

“What the fuck was that?” Gabe managed, staring coolly at the nurse.

“She was having trouble breathing, she was on her back for too long. Her system is depressed, Mr. Chamberland. That, unfortunately, will become more frequent,” the nurse explained sympathetically, pressing a stethoscope to Jenna’s back, listening to the gurgling breath.

“So she’s going to suffocate? Is that what you’re telling me? My wife is going to choke to death?” Gabe’s adrenaline melted into pure fury, locked only on the nurse.

“I will try to keep her as comfortable as possible, Mr. Chamberland.” The nurse folded her tool and slipped it back in her pocket, wrapping a sheet around Jenna.

“Dr. Henderson is on the phone,” Sophia breathlessly returned, holding the portable phone out as an offering.

“I’ll take it in the kitchen.” The nurse reached for the phone, walking smoothly out towards the common area before pressing it to her ear.

“Should you be leaving her?” Gabe yelled out to her, concerned that without the nurse things would escalate again.

“Keep her on her side and talk to her, she can hear you,” the nurse called over her shoulder.

Gabe slowly pulled himself into the chair, only then did he look at Jenna and see her, her eyes wide with panic, horror and pain.

“It’s okay baby, you’re okay, it’s over now, you’re okay,” Gabe murmured, but Jenna remained locked in her silent agony.

“Gabe, you should go talk to Mia, she’s really shaken,” Sophia whispered to him. “I’ll stay with Jenna, don’t worry, go take care of Mia.”

Gabe turned with a look of uncertainty, but slowly stood up. He knew what Jenna would want, she’d want him to go to Mia, comfort and protect her.