The Milestone Tapes (10 page)

“Well, I don’t know …” Jenna trailed off. But, she did know. Alex made no qualms about his feelings for Jenna or Gabe. He didn’t enjoy their company and the few times the family had convened, Alex was ice cold towards everyone. He liked Sophia on his terms, living near his family, working in a store he bought for her, raising his boys. His life was a machismo design that never failed to grate on Jenna.

“Well, he knows I’m here. He knows I’ll be here for a while, maybe even all summer,” Sophia said with a hint of defiance seeping through hardened voice, surprising Jenna further.

“And the store?” Jenna pushed on. She couldn’t help but worry about all the things Sophia left behind. As thrilled as she was Sophia was there, and she was thrilled, she knew Sophia clung to her store; it was her place in this world.

“It will be just fine, fully staffed and I can communicate over the phone as needed. Actually, I’ve heard wonderful things about the artists here, and I may just take some time to make a few connections.” Sophia smiled, thoughts of Pacific treasures pooling in her mind, no doubt.

Jenna had seen pictures of the neighborhood boutique Sophia owned, and she had read reviews of the decadence that was Bella Casa. It was the go-
to place in locally for the finer home appointments and splurges. Port Angeles had few stores similar to Bella Casa, but the artists locally were amazing and could definitely offer something to Sophia.

But still, Jenna couldn’t help but feel that something wasn’t right. In all the time Jenna and Gabe had lived in Seattle, and then Port Angeles, Sophia had never once visited. Whenever Jenna offered up a trip, Sophia balked at the idea, blaming her inability to travel on Alex or the boys or the store and sometimes all three in tandem. It seems off that suddenly those things that had held her back for so many years ceased to mean anything.

“I’m happy you’re here Soph. Gabe and Mia will so excited.” Jenna smiled, concealing her concern for the moment.

“Yes, yes. It will be nice.” Sophia worried a loose thread on her light, summer weight sweater. “Do you have any coffee or tea or something? I am absolutely beat from the travel, you’d never believe what time we had to leave to get here!”

“Sure, of course. Are the boys hungry, can I make them some lunch?” Jenna stood up and started towards the kitchen.

“I fed them at the airport, they’ll be fine until supper. Just a bit longer and we can check into the hotel.” Sophia followed Jenna, swiping her hands across the counter.

“You can stay here, I mean, really ... it’s no trouble, we have plenty of room.” Jenna pulled two cups from the cupboard and flipped on the pot to brew.

“I appreciate the offer, I really do. But, I think we’d all feel more comfortable at the hotel.” Sophia plopped down on a bar stool at the breakfast bar, resting her chin in her hands. “Where’s Mia?”

“Camp. She was going over to her friend Sarah’s afterwards, so she won’t be back until later. I could pick her up—”

“Jen? Jen you here?” The front door clicked open and Gabe trudged into the entryway calling out to Jenna as he did every day.

“The kitchen!” Jenna called out, thankful for the interruption.

“Who’s that car in the driveway? Workers here?” Gabe asked as he loped into the kitchen, stopping short when he spied Sophia resting at the counter.

“Gabe,” Sophia greeted him, rising to give him a hurried hug.

“Well, this is a surprise,” Gabe said, hugging her back. He walked over to Jenna and kissed her lightly on the forehead.

“Yes, we were just talking about that.” Sophia painted a smile across her face, strumming her fingers on the counter.

“Isn’t that so nice? The boys are playing in the basement. I was just as stunned as you are, she just dropped by on the doorstep!” Jenna enthused, setting a cup of coffee in front of Sophia.

“Caleb, Harlen, Thomas! Uncle Gabe is here, please come say hello!” Sophia called out loudly for the boys, her voice echoing off the walls of the spacious kitchen. The steady tromp of three boys stomped up the stairs and into the kitchen.

“Hi boys. Caleb, man, you two have gotten big, Harlen you too. You’ve gotta be like what? Fifteen and sixteen now? And you must be Thomas.” Gabe smiled, giving them high fives and mussing their hair. The boys awkwardly smiled at Gabe.

“Well, we should be going.” Sophia rose to her feet and herded the boys towards the door. Her coffee left untouched on the counter.

“Will you come back for dinner? After you get checked in and settled?” Jenna followed them out towards the door.

“Probably not tonight, but thank you. I’m tired, and these guys are going to need to get to bed soon, it’s almost seven o’clock at home—still on South Carolina time.” Sophia smiled and squeezed Gabe’s arm in goodbye.

The boys shoved their feet into their shoes and ran from the house towards the waiting minivan. Sophia hustled after them, turning to wave as she slid into the driver’s seat.

Jenna waved and smiled, and thinking the whole while how surreal this all felt to her.

“That was weird.” Gabe came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and burrowing his face in her shoulder.

“Very,” Jenna agreed, wrapping her arms around his as she watched the van pull out of their long driveway onto the main road.

“How long are they staying?” Gabe wondered out loud.

“Indefinitely or undecided.” Jenna continued to stare after the car, now long gone.

“Definitely weird.” Gabe nodded into her neck.

“It’ll be good, though.” Jenna nodded once, pulling the door closed.

“You think?” Gabe asked, making his way back to their bedroom to change.

“I hope so.” Jenna shrugged, following behind him.

“Is Alex here?” Gabe asked, pulling his jeans off and tossing them into the hamper.

“No. Which I think is sort of weird, but Sophia said he was all for her coming out here, so who knows.” Jenna climbed into their bed, watching Gabe tug his thin shirt over his head.

“How long was she here at the house?”

“Only a few minutes. I figured they’d at least hang around for dinner, but I guess she’s exhausted from the flight and finagling the boys all day. She probably just wants to order a pizza and pass out.” Jenna laughed at the thought of a harried Sophia running to make a connection through an airport with a baby in her arms and two more trailing behind.

“And she’s not staying here?”

“Nope. I offered, but she was pretty set on The Red Lion. She doesn’t know when they’re leaving and didn’t want to impose.”

“We have the room,” Gabe offered, pulling on a pair of sweats.

“That’s what I said! But nope, she’s at the hotel.” Jenna flopped back against the pillow.

“Well, I’m glad,” Gabe decided, laying down next to Jenna.

“Me too, I think. I mean, yes, I’m glad. But it’s weird. I’m just surprised, really,” Jenna decided.

“This is going to be a good thing, Jen. It’s what you wanted.” Gabe closed his eyes.

“Aunt Sophia!” Mia called, excited, holding up a palm sized oyster shell for her aunt to see, racing back towards the adults as
they strolled down the brief bay of Hollywood Beach.

Sophia had been in town for almost three weeks. The awkwardness of the first day still lingered between them, but with four children under toe and the summer stretching out before them, Jenna had hardly the time to dwell on it.

Mia had fallen in love with Sophia instantly. She latched on to her stylish, cool aunt with a sort of vigor. It warmed Jenna that Sophia seemed to have the same affection for the little girl in return, never forgetting that one day soon, Mia might need to lean heavily on Sophia for comfort. Together, they could spend hours collecting shells, packaging them and mailing them off to Casa Bella as vase fillers. Sophia embraced Barbie and read stories to all the children before bed, even speaking in different tones to vary the characters. She was a powerhouse mother and such a warm, giving aunt. It was a different side to her sister, a softer side.

Sophia and the boys had eventually, after Mia pestered and pleaded her into submission, moved their camp to the main house. Being under one roof, sharing meals and talking, had seemingly relaxed Sophia. Alex never called, and to Jenna’s knowledge, Sophia never called him. Jenna longed to ask more, but the peace was hard to disrupt, she finally felt a budding connection that had evaded her for so long.

Ginny had seamlessly fit into the new, expanded dynamic. Wrangling four children didn’t faze her, and she continued her rule unchallenged. She still busied herself around the house, preparing meals and laying down laws about toys, sharing, picking up messes and being kind.

The house was full of family, laughter, love, conversation, and suddenly being sick wasn’t the only thing that hovered over them, it was happiness. Jenna had, unexpectedly, settled into a loving peace, balanced by all the people she adored so easily.

“Jenna ... ” Sophia gestured to her sister to sit beside her on a bleached driftwood log. “I’m worried.” Sophia rested her hands on her lap and turned her face upwards towards the faint light of the afternoon sun.

“About what?” Jenna sat beside Sophia, turning in concern to her sister, her brows scrunching together in worry.

“You,” Sophia said simply. This was the conversation, Jenna could feel it, that they had been skirting around since her arrival all those weeks ago. The reason for her visit, the reason for her extended stay.

“Oh, Soph, I’m okay. Really,” Jenna tried to reassure her sister. But, if she were being honest, lately her level of energy had dipped. By five o’clock, she was ready for bed, and mornings were harder than before.

“Jenna, don’t you dare lie to me.” Sophia slipped into the tone Jenna had learned to associate with Sophia’s mothering style. Firm, honest and no nonsense, it left no room for dishonesty, you wanted to tell Sophia everything instantly. She eyed Jenna, daring her to disobey.

Jenna looked down the beach at the hoard of children playing in the shallow tide. Ginny hovering nearby, lugging a paper sack full of oyster shells. Laughing with them as they dug their chubby hands in the black sand of crushed rock, the small waves lapping their chubby baby legs.

“I can’t stay here forever Jenna. I need you to be straight with me so I can make some choices on my end of things.” Sophia gathered Jenna’s hands in her own, squeezing them tightly. “I’m not going to leave you, I’m not going to leave Mia or Gabe, if you tell me you’re fine and you mean it, I’m not going to say ‘mission accomplished’ and pack up and go. But I am here to help you, comfort you, love you. I want to know that this time we have isn’t wasted on pretending like this is a vacation.” Sophia squeezed harder.

Jenna inhaled deep and pushed the air out of her lungs hard. It was uncomfortable to talk about things like this, in this moment, when there was so much good all around them.

“Today, I’m okay. That wasn’t a lie,” Jenna started, biting down hard on her lip, willing herself to continue, pushing forward the full disclosure. “But yesterday, I was exhausted. But, the kind of tired I feel is different. It’s not like the ‘I’m tired because I chased after kids all day’ tired. My whole body hurts.” Jenna’s eyes welled with tears, and she closed them, wishing them away.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Sophia’s voice crested with concern.

“Because that’s the whole the point, Soph. Of all of this. What I’ve been trying to do, and why I made the choices I did. I knew all sorts of things would be coming down the pipeline for me when I decided what I did. I knew there would be days I’d hurt, days I’d have to literally drag myself from bed and force myself to do everything. But, it’s a trade. A pretty fair trade for days like this.” Jenna gestured down the beach towards the children busily burying their bare feet in the granite sand.

Sophia nodded her head reflectively, looking towards her children soaking up the surprise sun and laughing at the carefree little lives they led. Jenna continued on.

“When the doctor told me that there wasn’t a fight anymore, well, not a fight I could reasonably win, I made this choice. I know this isn’t the sort of choice everyone would make, and I know there are many, many people who would choose differently in my shoes. But, until it’s you on the bad side of the doctor’s desk, you can’t know, it’s not something anyone can know until it’s in their face.

“At the end of the day, it was like this: I was absent for three very important years from Mia’s life. I watched her grow up in pictures and on the outskirts. I couldn’t be a real mother because I couldn’t even be a real person half the time. I was sick from the chemo and treatments, and when I wasn’t sick, I was getting ready to be sick or getting over being sick. I finally had this beautiful, healthy baby that I wanted so hard, I had ached for it. And then it happened, she happened, and I had three years of bliss. More happiness than anyone should be allowed. I had this fantastic husband, this successful career, this lovely little baby, my dream home. I was lucky, luckier than I had any right to be.

“Then, out of nowhere, I had to hand my baby off to someone else. Someone else to prepare her meals, to play with her, to comfort her. I had to retire my career, because I couldn’t get out of bed most days, let alone write a novel. I had to ask my husband to brush my hair out when the chemo took that from me, and clean up my vomit when I was too weak to get out of bed, to dress my wounds when I willingly relinquished my breasts.