The Milestone Tapes (18 page)

“Anything,”

“Help Gabe. I know you’ve got your own stuff going on, and I don’t mean to burden you, but please. Mia’s a girl, she’s going to get her period and want to know about sex and makeup and have issues with friends, all the girly things, stuff that she might not want to go to Gabe with. I would love to know that she has you in her corner, that she can go to you with anything, and that you’ll be honest and straightforward and tell her the things she’s going to need to know.”

“Jenna ... ”

“I know it’s a lot to ask.”

“Of course I’ll do whatever I can for her and for Gabe.”

“Thank you Sophia, really, I mean that, thank you. I can’t tell you how much that means to me to know that they’ll have you.” Jenna placed her hand over her heart; it felt lighter in chest, like she could breath.

“Always.”

“I worry that I won’t understand the world she lives in. She’s just a baby now. She doesn’t know anything about anything, and by the time she does, everything I know will be different, it will mean different things to her. I can’t prepare her for that. But, I’m leaving her tapes.”

“What to do you mean?”

“I’m recording tapes for Mia. For big landmarks in her life when she’d need her Mom. I can tell her my stories, the things that no one else would know. I want her to feel connected to me, like I was a real person even if she can’t remember me.”

“Oh, Jen, that’s amazing.”

“Do you ever wish you had something like that from Mom?”

“All the time. Especially now. I don’t think you ever outgrow needing your mother.”

“I kind of figured that.”

“I wish I could stay longer, Jen.” Sophia stomped out the butt of her cigarette, and took her hand. “As soon as I get the boys situated, I’m coming back. I don’t know how quickly that will happen, but as soon as it does, I’m here.” Sophia brushed away a few tears before stretching out low, digging her heels into the soft earth. “It really is beautiful here, Jenna, like a picture or something, almost perfection.”

“It is, isn’t it? We’re lucky to have all of this.” Jenna followed suit, settling deeper in. “Do you want to go to the front of the house? Watch the sun come over the mountains?”

“Here’s good.” Sophia held Jenna’s hand tightly in her own, squeezing it three times, once for each word, like their mother had: I love you.

“You’re welcome anytime. I could have Gabe build you a house.” They collapsed in fits of laughter, shushing each other and giggling some more.

“Jenna? Sophia?” Gabe appeared at the sliding door, looking disheveled and half-asleep.

“Over here, babe,” Jenna whispered, holding up her hand.

“Everything okay?”

“Everything’s just fine. Just hanging out.” Jenna exuded nonchalance.

“Okay, ‘cause it’s early.” Gabe padded across the yard, sloshing quietly over the dewy grass.

“We’re just hanging out, talking, no big deal. Are you up now for the day?” Jenna asked, leaning slightly backwards, turning to face him.

“Yeah, early morning. Do you girls want coffee or something?” Gabe came to stand behind Jenna, rubbing tenderly at her shoulders.

“I’d love some. Soph?”

“Sure.” Sophia smiled towards Gabe.

“Were you smoking?” Gabe sniffed Jenna’s hair subtly, spotting the pack sitting obviously on the side table.

“Guilty as charged.” Jenna raised her hands.

“Nice,” Gabe laughed, sarcasm dripping from his voice as he turned back towards the house. “Two coffees, coming right up.”

The sisters sat in companionable silence, the sounds of early morning nature creating the soundtrack for this moment.

“So, are you packed up?” Jenna leaned back in her chair.

“Yes, got everything done and laundered yesterday.” Sophia nodded, tapping another cigarette from the dwindling pack.

“Can I do anything?”

“Nothing. I think I’m pretty ready. We need to leave for the airport in a few hours.”

“I don’t mean just now, I meant that in more general terms. What can I do?”

“Honestly? I’m better prepared for this than you’d think. I’ve already hired an attorney, did it before I left for the summer. The house and business will remain mine, and he’ll keep what’s his. I think the word for this is amicable—we’re amicably ending our marriage.”

“That’s good. I imagine it makes things easier, for you.”

“In many ways yes. But it also makes it sadder, more surreal. A marriage that bore three children, a medical practice, a store, a beautiful home ... it can be taken apart like that.” Sophia snapped her fingers. “It takes so long to acquire those things and so little time to deconstruct them. It’s hard to wrap your mind around how quickly you can just pull that single thread and unravel it all. It makes me think about Dad. I wonder how he could do what he did, you know, just leave and never look back.”

“I look at Gabe. He’s so strong, brave and steady, and sometimes I want to ask him ‘aren’t you tired yet? Tired of being so solid and selfless?’It’s hard to watch someone you love die, and yet he does it, every single day. I think it must have been that way for Dad. He chose differently. What he did, that was wrong, though.”

“Do you ever wonder what happened to him? After he left? He’s never tried to contact me.” Sophia’s eyes were closed and her cheeks with wet with tears.

“No. I really don’t. When Mia was first born, I thought about looking him up—hiring a private investigator and finding him, but I never did. Whatever his reasons for going, he stayed gone. I don’t know how you do that or how broken you have to be to think that’s the better way, but I figured he had his reasons. He wasn’t my father anymore, not the man I remember at least, and I decided that rather than dig into that and hurt myself more, I’d respect his wishes and let him go.”

Sophia nodded slowly. “I still needed him.”

“I know you did.”

“I’m going to be okay,” Sophia whispered, more to herself than to Jenna, but now it was her turn, to squeeze three times.

“Yes, Soph, you really are. It’s like Mom always said, and I tell myself this every day: be strong and be brave.”

“You, too,” she whispered.

“Coffee?” Gabe emerged from the house, two steam mugs in hand. He’d showered already, changed into a pair of faded blue jeans and a soft flannel button up. He smelt spicy and a fresh, his hair was still damp, glistening in the rising sun.

“Thank you, kind sir.” Jenna kissed him lightly on the cheek, aware that she probably tasted along the lines of an ashtray.

“All right, I have to run to the site. I’ll be back before you guys take off so I can say bye.” Gabe waved as he stalked off towards the house. “Kids will be up in a few, so you might want to get dressed.”

Jenna wrapped her hands around the warm cup, taking a long pull of the bitterly strong elixir.

“I’m going to go get dressed, get the boys moving. I’d love to feed them before it’s too late, so they can eat lunch at Sea Tac. We have a long flight home.” Sophia stood up, picking at the discarded cigarette butts littering the yard.

Jenna nodded in agreement, and watched her sister tiptoe carefully across the yard. The sun was up now, such as it, covered by thick threatening clouds, but the morning was beautiful. It looked different to her now.

Mia clamored into the kitchen, dumping a large bucket of colored pencils on the table from the craft corner. Jenna bent over the table, reading the instructions Mia’s teacher had sent home regarding the self-expression picture. She was asked to draw a picture of her family and write a few lines about them to share out loud with her class in the morning.

Summer had wound down expectantly, and Mia had been overjoyed to return to school. The thrill of free days had run its course, and Mia seemed particularly taken with her new teacher. Excited about experimenting with homework, being seven now and in second grade boosted Mia’s confidence.

Jenna had, predictably, gone all out for Mia’s birthday party celebrating the passing of time. The last birthday party she’d ever have with her daughter was bittersweet. Gabe had roped off the yard and Jenna had hired a petting zoo, supervised roasting marshmallows in the fire pit, pitched tents in the patch of land off the back and hosted an epic sleep over, complete with Ginny’s homemade apple cider donuts for breakfast. Jenna loved the sound of the children running wild in the back yard, squealing with delight as the goats snarfed feed from their hands. She had spent days gathering the silly string remnants that seemed to never be capable of being fully picked up.

“Mia, you have to draw a picture of your family and then you have to write a short story about us,” Jenna explained, pointing to the assignment.

“I know!” Mia sifting through the rainbow on the table, picking out colors and laying them neatly in a line.

“Do you want me to help you?” Jenna asked, handing a crisp sheet of white craft paper to her daughter.

“No, I’m okay.” Mia chewed on her lip, weighing the merits of light blue versus navy blue.

“Okay, baby, I’m going to be in the kitchen then. Do you want pasta for dinner tonight?” Jenna shoved away from the table, heading towards the pantry to pull ingredients.

“Sure, that sounds good,” Mia mumbled, pressing a black pencil to the paper.

“Daddy will be home soon, and that mess will have to be cleaned up before dinner, so work hard and finish up, all right?”

“Okay,” Mia mumbled, fully focused on the task at hand.

Jenna put a large pot of water on the stove to boil and removed a Tupperware from the freezer containing leftover sauce from before. As it spun in the microwave, thawing, Jenna poured herself a glass of water and shook two tiny pills from the orange plastic container.

“So you like your teacher?” Jenna posed to Mia, cracking the pasta in half and setting it aside for boiling.

Mia nodded her head. “She’s really pretty, Mommy.”

“That’s nice, baby. She seems like a really fun teacher,” Jenna continued, grabbing a loaf of soft French bread, and slicing it into small round pieces.

“Today, we went on a nature walk. And in music class, I got to play a recorder!” Mia beamed, still coloring fiercely. “Later, after lunch, we went to the library and had story time. It was a fun day!”

“Wow, busy, busy. Are any of your friends in your class this year?” Jenna whisked melted butter, garlic, oregano and paprika together in a small bowl, dipping the slice of bed in the sloshy, gritty mixture before placing it on a baking tray and sprinkling cheese on top.

“Sarah and Kelly are, but Geneva isn’t, so we just get to play at recess,” Mia summarized, not looking up.

“Oh, that’s too bad.” Jenna set the oven to bake and walked over to table, where Mia was finishing her picture. “Sarah is a good buddy. Maybe we can have her over this weekend for a play date?”

The crisp white sheet was now covered with rolling hills, thick clouds and a swarm of detailed people, all easily recognizable.

“That’s you, me and Daddy.” Mia pointed to a small grouping of three people, beaming proudly in front of a house. “Ginny, Aunt Sophia, Thomas, Caleb and Harlen.” She pointed to another group, slightly off set, but still smiling. “That’s my family.” Mia smiled proudly at her drawing.

“That most certainly is your family.” Jenna kissed Mia on her head. “That’s a very, very lovely picture. You’re a good artist. it looks almost like a real family photograph!”

“When I finish showing it at school, you can frame it if you want,” Mia offered, a proud smile stretched across her face.

“I’d really love that, baby, thank you.” Jenna held up the drawing, looking closer at the detail Mia had included—the wide house, the thick nest of forest, the way everyone looked so happy. This was the way the world looked to Mia, Jenna realized. Her heart swelled with love and pride and joy. This was her family, happy and together.

“Ladies?” a voice boomed from the entryway as Gabe walked in, dripping beads of water over the entryway rug.

“In the kitchen!” Jenna called out. “Mia, can you pick up the pencils and help me set the table?” She gestured towards the mess scattered about.

“Sure Momma.” Mia went about grabbing handfuls of brightly colored pencils, shoving them back into the bucket.

“Dinner in thirty, Gabe. You have time to get changed!” Jenna called out, hearing Gabe shuck off the excess water from his raincoat. The door closing behind him.

“Smells good,” he commented, walking in, planting a kiss on a Jenna and mussing Mia’s hair.

“How was work?” Jenna asked, ladling the thawed sauce from the Tupperware to a waiting pot on the stove.

“Good, it’s going to be a great house.” Gabe grabbed a beer from the fridge.

“That’s great. I’d love to see it.” Jenna spun the sauce around in the pan.

“All right, I need a quick shower. You good, J?” Gabe asked, leaning against the counter, his pants splattered with a dusting of mud, soaked entirely near the hem of the pants.

“I’m good, go shower.” Jenna stepped up on her tiptoes to kiss him lightly on the lips. He tasted of beer. “You shouldn’t be drinking on the job,” she laughed.