The Lighter Side of Large (28 page)

“Clan Macdonald,” I exclaim, recognising the family crest.

“How’d you know?” Jacob asks.

“I’m Scottish, too. My Pa’s from Edinburgh.”

“Sweet,” Jacob picks up his beer and scoots his bar stool very close to me, so close that our legs touch.

Sands sidles closer to Joel, and the night has just started.

It turns out Jacob used to be in the military and now works in an auto parts store. We don’t seem to have anything in common and our conversation is quickly running out when he mentions parachuting out of airplanes. “I went bungee jumping recently. I wonder if it’s similar to parachuting.”

“You bungee jumped?” Jacob asked, wide-eyed.

“Well, yeah. I like doing adventurous things.”

Jacob leans in closer. “So what else have you done?”

While we talk, there’s a commentary running in the back of my mind.
I can’t believe this guy is showing interest in me. Is it me or the shirt? It is see-through and kinda sexy. So this is what it’s like to be socially acceptable. Lose some weight and suddenly I’m noticeable to the rest of the world.

Sands gets along well with Joel when I overhear him say that he owns a landscape company. “Do you know a guy named Wesley?” I ask. Joel rolls his eyes.

“I owe a lot of my business to that bugger. He’s such a jerk, he chases clients away and they run straight for me. No one likes him.”

“Amen to that,” I say.

“You know him?” Joel asks.

I give him an arched look. “We met briefly and that was enough.”

“Yeah, he treated her horribly,” Sands puts in.

“You poor gal,” Joel shakes his head.

Jacob puts his arm around my shoulders. “But we’re here to protect you from the likes of him.” He smiles and winks as he squeezes me closer.

I don’t mind at all and can’t help giggling. This night is turning out well after all. I enjoy myself so much that I begin to wonder if I’ve taken things too seriously with Jae. Why not date around, see what’s out there, instead of clinging to the first guy to come along?

Four drinks later, not including the two shots of whiskey Jacob bought me, which I gulped down when Sands’ back was turned, I’m feeling really good and Jacob and I laugh at everything we both say. A friend of Joel’s arrives, one who is even cuter and better dressed than he, and Sands transfers her interest to him. Joel moves away in search of new companionship.

Jacob gets more touchy-feely as the night wears on and he whispers in my ear. “Want to go back to my place? We can just hang out.”

I may be more than tipsy, but I have enough sense to know what ‘just hang out’ is a euphemism for. “Thanks, but not tonight,” I decline.

Jacob isn’t deterred. “Looks like your friend’s leaving,” he says and I look up. Sands, who had moved to a table near us, is making out with Joel’s friend. “Can I drive you home at least?”

“I’ll think about it,” I reply honestly, because judging from Sands’ behavior,
she
won’t be driving me home tonight.

“Well, let me help you decide,” says Jacob and he leans forward to kiss me.

Our kiss lasts about a minute, by the end of which I am breathless - and regretful. Jacob is a great kisser, but I didn’t enjoy it. All I can think of is Jae’s kiss, which was full of tenderness. It meant something.

Suddenly, the pub is too loud, Jacob is too close, and I just want Jae to call. I make my excuses to Jacob, pick up my purse and approach Sands and her man. “Sands,” I tap her on the shoulder. She doesn’t stop kissing but opens her eyes and looks at me. “I’ll catch the bus. See you later?”

Sands nods and goes back to her business. I hurry out of the warm, loud pub and into the cool night air, which feels good but otherwise has no effect against the power of all the alcohol I’ve consumed. It’s dark but the street lights are on and the city is alive with activity, so I feel safe walking to the bus stop a few blocks down.

I shudder as I think of Jacob and me kissing.
Why did I do that? I don’t even know the guy and two hours later we have our tongues down each other’s throats.
I can’t help comparing Jacob’s behavior to Jae’s: there is no comparison. Jae is a gentleman. He took things slowly. We established a rapport, shared fun times and meals together.
Oh God, what am I doing? In two weeks I’ve kissed three different guys. What is wrong with me? And why won’t Jae call? He’s the best thing to happen to me since, well, since Abe and Fi came along. He’s THAT good. He won’t want me now that I’ve gone slumming. I even wore the same shirt as on our last date. God, I’m so messed up.

I pull out my phone and check it. No incoming calls or texts from Jae. I debate on whether or not to text him again and decide to give him one more chance.

“Still waiting to hear from u. Is there a problem?” I text.
There! That’ll show him,
I think smugly, shoving the phone back into my purse. A few steps later I regret it.
Why did I say that? He’ll think I’m clingy and desperate. I AM clingy and desperate, I berate myself. No guy touches me except when they want one thing, and the one guy who doesn’t want to hop right into bed with me disappears. What’s the point of going out? It never works out. They’re all losers. I should give up dating and delete my online account, because I won’t find anyone and RoMANce is probably leading me on, too.

My emotions are like waves. They crash into my heart like anger on a beach, then ebb outward into a sea of self-pity, and then back again,
crash!
I’m angry at men, Jae, the world, Sands for convincing me to go out and then leaving me for a guy; and then out again, poor, poor me. Poor Bella, all alone again. I can’t tell which are my true feelings and what is the alcohol.

The bus stop is one block down. I walk past a fancy restaurant, its windows and the entrance awash in light. I glance inside. There’s a mix of clientele: laughing dinner parties, quiet couples, and cosy families, all smiling and enjoying themselves and their food.

And then I see them: Mika, Tiresa, Abe and Fi. Tiresa’s back is to the window, but Abe is chowing down while Mika is having a hard time convincing Fi to try a bite of asparagus. She wrinkles her nose and shakes her head. Mika cuts it into a smaller piece and offers it to her on his fork, but she refuses to taste it. Mika slathers it with mash potatoes and eats it himself, his exaggerated facial expression showing how delicious he thinks it is. He forks another pieces, dumps mashed potatoes on it, and holds it out to Fi. She looks dubious but takes a hesitant bite. As she chews, her face brightens and I see her mouth form the word, “Yummy!” Mika laughs and pats her on the back.

My feet feel like lead. I can’t move, can’t tear my eyes away from the scene. My family is in that restaurant enjoying themselves, caught up in their own little world while I stand on the outside, staring in.

I’m always on the outside, staring in.

I’m always being used or rejected.

No matter what I do or how I act or who I become, I’m always left behind.

Mika looks up and sees me, and I realise I am crying. The smiles fades from his face. He reaches in his pocket, pulls out his phone, then says something to Tiresa and gets up from the table.

I hurry away from the window, wiping my tears. I didn’t mean for Mika to see me.

“Bella!” Mika calls from behind me. I don’t stop.

“Bella,” he says again, and I hear footsteps pounding the pavement. He grabs my arm. “Bella, what is wrong? What happened? Why are you crying?”

I jerk my arm out of his grip and nearly lose my balance. “What’s wrong? You left me, that’s what’s wrong. My sister stabbed me in the back, that’s what happened. I’m just not good enough for anyone, that’s why I’m crying.”

Mika takes a step back. “How much have you had to drink?” he asks.

“Why do you care?” I snap.

Mika sighs. “Bella, you know I care...”

I cut him off with a laugh. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. You know what your problem is?”

Mika shoves his hands in his pockets. The gesture makes him look like he’s prepared to accept anything I say. “What’s that?”

I poke him in the chest. “You didn’t appreciate me. I was good to you and you never recognised what a good thing you had.”

Mika shakes his head. “Bella, let me drive you home.”

“Why? So you can get me into bed again? God, is that all you men think about?”

“I don’t want to sleep with you,” Mika insists.

“You sure did the other night. Why change your mind now? Feeling guilty for cheating on Tiresa? So when are you planning to sue for full custody of the kids so you can keep them out of my white world and not have to face me every week?”

“What are you talking about?” Mika asks.

“Didn’t Tiresa tell you?” I laugh. “I’m an unfit mother and a bad wife. I was never there for you. That’s why she didn’t steal you: I let you go, according to her. Yup, it’s all my fault and I’m just wasted space. Oh, and the good news is that you’re wasting your money. After I get the lap band surgery, I’ll just gain it all back.”

I laugh hysterically, and then the laughter turns to tears and I’m bawling like a baby on the street.

Mika takes me firm by the arm. “Taxi!” I hear him call. Through the blur of tears I find myself being pushed into a taxi. Mika climbs in after me. The taxi accelerates as Mika takes out his phone. “Emergency at the office. I’ll meet you at home in an hour. No it can’t wait. I said it’s an emergency.” He ends the call with an exasperated sigh.

Street lights and store signs flash in and out through the window of the taxi as it rolls along. I sit as far away as I can from Mika.
What a crappy night,
I moan inwardly.

•

“Wait here,” Mika says to the taxi driver as he opens the door to help me out.

“Meter’s running,” the taxi driver replies.

Mika bends down and pulls me out of the taxi. I am still crying, lost in my own pain. He leads me up the walkway to the house and fumbles through my purse for the keys. He swears as he holds the bunch. “Bella, hon, show me your house key,” he coaxes.

“Blue,” I mumble. After awhile I hear, the jiggling of keys, the click of a lock being turned, and the door squeaking open.

He guides me inside, flipping on lights as we move through the living room, down the hallway, and into my bedroom. Mika throws back the covers on my bed and guides me down. He takes off my shoes, puts my feet on the bed, and pulls up the covers to my shoulders. I hear him walking to the door. Then everything goes dark. He has turned the light out. A moment more, and I feel the bed depress beside me. He sits, brushing the hair off my face. I lie still, wondering if he is going to take off his clothes and slip under the covers to exact repayment for helping me. He doesn’t. He continues stroking my hair. My eyes go heavy. I am drifting off. In the distance, I hear my phone vibrating. Somebody has sent me a text. My purse is next to the bed. I can see its luminous glow in the dark but I am too tired to check it right now. I hear a voice mumble what sounds like “Jae?” and my world turns to blackness.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

“Why does it take a tragedy or sudden shock to wake us up from complacency and make us realize what is really important?”

FROM BELLA’S BLOG
http://www.thelightersideoflarge.com/ch17

How’d it go after I left last night?” Riyaan asks, transferring cups of coffee from a tray to the table in front of us.

“I met this guy…” Sands begins.

“Here we go again,” Cat blurts.

“You don’t know what I’m going to say,” Sands retorts.

Cat stares at her. “You met a guy, left Bella by herself, went home with him, and haven’t been back to your place to change clothes before you came here.”

Sands opens her mouth to protest, but can’t because Cat is correct. She sips her coffee in icy silence.

“You left Bella by herself?” Riyaan asks, incredulous.

“Uh, I’m not the one who had a blind date arranged and then ran out to avoid her,” Sands glares at him.

“You’re dating women? Who would have thought?” says Cat.

Riyaan puts a hand on his hip. “No, I’m not dating women and I didn’t know my blind date was going to be a woman. A very cruel joke was thrust upon me last night and I haven’t recovered from the betrayal.”

Cat laughs. She rarely shows emotion beyond cynicism, if that can be classified as an emotion, so we all stare. “On a night that was supposed to be about your friend,
you
two betray
her
in favour of a one-night stand and running away to save face.” She makes an annoyed sound. “I don’t know why I debase myself to be seen in your company. I have my standards.”

“You sold Bella’s pills to a drug dealer and wanted to set a dumpster on fire,” Riyaan points out.

Cat takes a slurp from her cup. “They may be low, but I do have my standards.”