The Light of the Blue Pearl (23 page)

All she wanted to do was get to her hotel
room and go to sleep. She wanted to forget the world, forget
everything and just be alone.

It had been a while since she had been
alone; it hadn’t been something she wanted to return to, now though
it seemed she had sealed her fate of exactly that. She didn’t see
how Scott would ever forgive her for leaving; honestly, she wasn’t
entirely sure she could forgive herself.

After landing in San Pedro she took the
short taxi ride to her hotel, barely even noticing the blue waters.
She checked into her hotel room, thanked the woman for her key and
made her way up to the same room she had stayed in before.

No longer awestruck of the place that had
taken her breath away only a year before, she set her bag down and
crawled into bed.

She stayed there for three days, only waking
to take the time to eat a little food before falling back to sleep,
not wanting to face the reality she had created.

She had heard people say ‘you’ve made your
bed, now you must lie in it’, she hadn’t ever really given that
saying much thought because up until this point she hadn’t ever
felt like her destiny was in her hands.

She had always felt that her circumstances
had been out of her control. And while most of the things in her
life that had shaped how she lived it
had
been, she knew
that losing Scott was her own fault – that her decision to leave
had just ended the best thing that had ever happened to her.

Lying there in bed listening to the waves
outside, one bare leg exposed to the warm air hinting at joining
the world again, Ethne thought it was probably time she got up.

It was 4 p.m., she had nearly spent a fourth
day in isolation, leaving it only to order room service and to
check to see if she had any messages; there were none.

Part of her had hoped he would fight for
her, but most of her knew she didn’t deserve it. The fairy tale
that she had been living in for the past year had been brought to a
halt partially because of a seizure, but mostly because of a
reckless stranger driving a car, not caring that he had changed the
course of her life forever that day.

While they had been lucky to survive it
physically, they hadn’t truly survived it. Neither of them had been
the same after it happened. She knew that was mostly because of
her, but she had seen a change in him too.

Of course he would have never admitted that,
he was so stubborn sometimes, but she supposed she was too. She was
really going to miss his sense of humor; he was almost always able
to make her laugh, no matter what kind of mood she was in.

All she wanted to do was pick up the phone
and call him, to apologize and to see if he was okay. But she
couldn’t bring herself to do it.

She was starting to go stir crazy, it was
time she got out of her room.

After taking a shower and cleaning off the
laziness of the days spent in bed she almost felt human again –
almost. She still felt like the worst human being on the planet,
but at least now she was clean, for whatever that was worth.

She had grown tired of room service and
decided to head to a real restaurant this time to get dinner,
although the idea of eating alone was less than appealing.

When she arrived and was waiting for a table
she looked up and saw a familiar face looking at her from across
the room.

Running into Ian had definitely not been on
the menu, and seeing his face light up for her, someone she
currently loathed, was not something she was prepared for.

But instinctually, as had been the case time
and time again, her face lit up when she saw his as well.

He made his way across the room to her,
seeming to practically skip his way there and instead of the
traditional ‘hi, how are you greeting’ proceeded to pick her up and
hug her. With his enthusiasm she was surprised he had refrained
from swinging her around in a circle – though that would have been
highly inappropriate for their current surroundings.

He set her back down, still with a huge
smile on his face.

“You know, if you keep this up I’m going to
start to think you’re following me,” he said.

She laughed a little, still blushing from
her current trip half way to the ceiling. “Well, I could say the
same thing.”

“True,” he said. “So how are you? What on
earth are you doing here? Is your boyfriend here too?”

Why was it people always tended to ask her
questions she really wasn’t in the mood to answer?

She shrugged her shoulders. “No, I’m alone,”
she said, not elaborating further.

By the look on his face she could tell he
was now both concerned and intrigued.

“Is everything okay?” he asked.

“I suppose,” she said, still not knowing
what exactly to say, she didn’t really want to talk to anyone about
her current title of worst human being she now held, especially not
with Ian – oh how the fates did have a sense of humor. “I don’t
really want to talk about it.”

“Okay,” he said. “Well do you want to join
me for dinner?”

“Sure,” she said, with mixed feelings – part
guilt and part relief that she wouldn’t have to dine alone.

Ian did his best to steer clear of the topic
that had brought her there; instead he talked about school, having
finally chosen to focus on marine biology, he was close to
finishing his degree.

He was there with his friends again, whom he
had deserted once more, to enjoy her company, which he pointed out
with a subtle wink.

“You really shouldn’t keep ditching your
friends for me,” she said. “Not that I don’t appreciate the
company.”

“Oh they don’t mind, besides…I’m sure they
understand, I’ve talked about you enough – they practically shoved
me over here.”

She laughed. “Oh yeah, I noticed that when
you saw me, I think you left your friend there in mid-sentence. And
what do you mean you’ve talked about me?”

He grinned. “Oh don’t worry about that, he
never has anything important to say anyway, and of course I’ve
talked about you. Most of them needed to know why I was flitting
across the country carrying a pearl of all things.”

“Oh, yeah…that,” she said, the mention of
the pearl suddenly bringing her back to the reality of things.

“And how is the pearl, do you have it with
you?” he asked, appraising her hands and neck to see if she were
perhaps wearing it.

“It’s fine,” she said, her mood darkening.
“And no, I don’t, it’s at home.”

“Oh,” he said, obviously aware of the dark
cloud that had descended upon them just then. “Ethne…what’s wrong?”
he finally asked, after a moment of silence had passed.

At the mention of those caring words from
the first person who had asked her, she nearly broke down into
tears. Somehow she managed not to.

“Everything,” she said finally, choking back
the tears that wanted to escape as badly as she did.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” he
asked, reaching over and taking one of her hands.

“No, I don’t think so, but I really don’t
want to talk about it here,” she said, looking around the room at
all of the people enjoying their meals seemingly with no worries of
their own.

“I understand,” he said. “Let me get the
check and we can get out of here.”

Once they were outside, the night sky just
starting to make its appearance, Ian put his hand on her lower back
and guided her to the beach where they could talk in private.

She was still in a daze of where she was.
None of it seemed real. So to recount what had happened since the
last time she’d seen him, to tell him about the accident and how
she had left Scott, she honestly didn’t know where to begin, or if
she could.

After finding a quiet place for them to sit,
the ocean only a few feet from their own, she looked out at the
water and tried to think of what to say.

For one, it felt completely wrong to talk to
Ian about it all, considering how she knew they felt about one
another. But for another she didn’t want to relive the accident,
she much preferred to never think of it again – though that was
never successful.

She realized she was shivering, not from
being cold, but simply from nerves. He put one arm around her and
tried to comfort her, waiting in silence for her to begin on her
own.

When it was clear she wasn’t going to, he
finally spoke.

“Ethne,” he said. “You are clearly upset,
please tell me what happened.”

A tear ran down her cheek and her chin
started to tremble, but after a few moments she told him
everything.

In the comfort of his arms she told him
about losing her parents, about her seizures as a child as well as
the current one and about her ultimate decision to be with Scott
despite her reservations.

She told him about the terrifying morning
that had nearly ripped him from her life and the close call of her
own. Though she was trembling and sobbing and barely able to speak
she told him how a few days earlier she had packed up and left him
without a word; how she had cowardly run away and broken his
heart.

The night sky had turned to a deep blue
while she described it all. When she was finally done she nearly
collapsed against him, relieved from the burden of her secret.

He had stayed quiet the entire time, only
offering small squeezes of support to her shoulder, both out of
respect as well as not knowing what to say.

When she had finished, he simply held her,
letting her cry until the tears no longer fell.

By then she was exhausted, had he let her
she could have fallen asleep leaning against him, her head resting
comfortably on his shoulder.

After many moments had passed she finally
sat up and looked at him.

“So do you hate me now too?” she asked,
already sure of the answer.

“What do you mean do I hate you?” he asked,
completely puzzled by the question.

“I’m a terrible person,” she said, turning
then to look out at the ocean, not wanting to hear the confirmation
of that.

“No, you’re not,” he said, taking her chin
and making her look back at him.

“You’ve been through a lot, Ethne, and your
fears considering everything that has happened are warranted. I’m
sure Scott understands – although I’m sure he is probably hurting
as much as you are – I doubt he hates you.”

Dumbfounded by his answer she simply stared
back at him in disbelief, having no comeback for something she only
partially believed.

She stood up then, almost in defiance no
longer wanting to be comforted by someone who clearly didn’t
understand. She started walking down the beach as quickly as she
could, her feet slipping in the sand and making it difficult to
walk away in a huff.

He could tell he had hit a nerve and was
following closely behind her with absolutely no intention of
letting her disappear into the night alone.

“Ethne,” he said, trying to catch up to her.
“Wait!”

She didn’t. She kept walking with no idea of
why she had thought to share her story, how stupid and pointless
that had been. Nothing and no one could make her feel better, she
had no right to feel better after what she had done and no one was
going to convince her otherwise.

He grabbed her by the arm, forcing her to
stop to face him.

“Ethne,” he said, holding her firmly making
his intentions clear.

She didn’t answer him, but instead stood
there staring at him with a coolness he had never seen before, a
coolness he didn’t particularly like but one that commanded his
respect all the same.

He loosened his grip only slightly, knowing
full well if he let go she would be gone again, likely at a pace
that this time would be hard to match.

She took a deep breath, not appreciating the
hand that firmly held her, keeping her from running from the things
she no longer wanted to face.

“Let go,” she finally said.

“No,” he said.

“Ian, please, just let me go.”

“No.”

They stood there for several minutes in a
dead lock of defiance, neither of them willing to back down,
although Ethne wanting to run wasn’t exactly getting her way.

“What makes you so sure of the words that
you said?” she asked finally.

“What words exactly?” he asked.

“That you think Scott understands?”

“I don’t know, I suppose because that is how
I would feel if I were him,” he said letting her arm go finally,
hoping the hint of conversation meant she had given up on running
away.

“I don’t believe you,” she said, crossing
her arms and turning away from him.

“What don’t you believe?”

“That you would understand,” she said
coolly. “I’m sure you would hate me just as I’m sure he does.”

“No,” he said firmly, having to give it no
thought. “I could never hate you.”

“That’s easy for you to say, you barely know
me.”

“I feel like I know you quite well, Ethne,
and I know for a fact that I could never hate you…I think you know
full well how I feel about you.”

It was Ian that turned away then, not
wanting to look at her after his confession; something not all that
entirely secret, but still something hard to confess especially
given the circumstances.

She didn’t know how to respond to that. She
did know how he felt about her, and she knew how she felt about
him, which was part of the reason all of this was so difficult.

To discuss breaking the heart of another man
when she had clearly already done that to the one standing next to
her, even though she hadn’t done anything nearly as intentionally
severe, the effects appeared to be the same.

“How the hell did any of this happen,” Ethne
thought to herself, completely bewildered by the events of the past
year.

After a moment of feeling stunned, Ethne
started to warm again, the coolness of her anger fading and
disappearing into the night.