By this time it was light enough to see his brother's drawn face, and read his expression. Arin shook his head at him. "Girdi, you're like that bullcalf that got loose and stuck in the mire three years ago—do you remember? Thought he was grown, he was so big, but once out of his pen and in trouble, he bawled for help like any new-weaned calf," Gird said nothing; he could feel tears rising in his eyes again, and his throat closed. "Girdi, you have to go back." That opened his eyes, and his throat.
"I can't!" he said, panting. "Arin, I can't—you didn't see—"
"I saw." Arin's voice had hardened. "We all saw; the count made sure of it. But it's that or outlaw, Girdi, and you won't live to be an outlaw—the count will hunt you down, and the fines will fall on our family."
It was another load of black guilt on top of the other. "So—so I must die?"
"No." Arin had picked up a stick, and poked it into the moss-covered ground near the creek. "At least—I hope not. What your sergeant said was that if someone knew where you were, and if you'd turn yourself in, he thought he could save your life. And we'd not lose our holding. The steward . . . the steward's not with the count in this. You saw that. But you have to come in, Gird, on your own. If they chase and capture you—"
"I can't be a soldier," said Gird. "I can't do that—what they did—"
"So I should hope. They don't want you now, anyway." Even in his misery, that hurt. He knew he'd been a promising recruit, barring his slowness in learning to read; he knew the sergeant had had hopes for him. And now he'd lost all that, forever. His stomach rumbled, reminding him that he'd also lost plentiful free food. "We can use you," Arin went on. "We always could."
His mind was a stormy whirlwind of fear and grief and shame. He could imagine what the sergeant would say, the sneers of the other men, the ridicule. And surely he would be punished, for disgracing them so, and breaking his oath of service. Would he be left like Meris, a cripple? Better to die . . . and yet he did not want to die. The thought of it, hanging or the sword in his neck—and those were the easy ways—terrified him. Arin's look was gentle.
"Poor lad. You're still just a boy, after all, aren't you? For all the long arms and legs, for all the bluster you've put on this past spring."
"I'm—sorry." He could not have said all he was sorry for, but a great sore lump of misery filled his head and heart.
"I know." Arin sighed. "But I'm not sorry to think of you working beside me, Gird, when this is over. Come now: wash your face again, and let's be going back."
He felt light-headed on the way, but the stiffness worked out of his legs quickly. His soiled uniform rolled under his arm, he followed Arin down paths he hardly remembered.
"We need to hurry," said Arin over his shoulder. "They were going to start searching again this morning, and I'd like to get you down to the village before they set the dogs loose."
"What—what happened, after—"
"After you bolted? Near a riot, that was, with everyone screaming and thrashing about. It took awhile to settle, and the count had more to think of than you. Then your sergeant came to our place, and talked to father. Said you'd deserted, and they'd have to hunt you unless you came back on your own, and even if you did it might go hard with you. He didn't like the count's sentence on Meris any more than the rest of us, but . . . he had to go along. He took out a few of the men late in the evening, calling for you. I was sure you'd come up here."
"I didn't think," said Gird. "I just couldn't stand it—"
"Mmm. Then the steward came, after dark." Arin stepped carefully over a tangle of roots and went on. "Said we'd lose the holding, the way the count felt. He'd come down to show off his inheritance to his friends from court, all those fine lords and ladies, and then Meris hit him with an onion—"
"He what!"
"That's right. You probably don't know what really happened. Meris was stealing fruit, thinking everyone would be busy out front, but the count wanted to show the ladies the garden, and hurried through. So when Meris was spotted, he ran straight into the count and knocked him flat, in front of his friends, and then fired an onion at him from the top of the wall. Probably thought it was a guard. Poor lad."
Gird was silent, thinking what sort of man would cripple a boy for such a ridiculous mistake.
"He was wrong, of course, and now we're all in trouble, from the steward on down, but—" Arin flashed a grin back over his shoulder. "At least you didn't take part in it—and if they want to call it cowardice, well, I say brave men have better to do than batter rash boys into ruin."
"I don't want to die," said Gird suddenly, into the green silence of the wood.
"No one does," said Arin, "but sick old men and women. Did you think a soldier would never see death?"
"No, but—but I didn't think it would be like this. If it is, I mean." He didn't expect an answer to that, and got none. Early sun probed through the leaves, shafts of golden light between the trees. The wood smelled of damp earth, herbs, ripening bramble-berries, a whiff here and there of pig or fox or rabbit. He was afraid, but he could not shut out the richness of the world around him, the springy feel of the leafmold under his feet. Air went in and out his nose despite his misery.
They came to the straggling end of the lane without being seen. Gird hesitated to follow Arin into the open, but his brother strode on without looking back, trusting him. He could see no one, but a distant shepherd far across the fields. Up the lane toward the village. Now he could see the first cottages, his father's well, the lane beyond, the great fields to his right. A few women at the well, someone (he could not tell who) behind the hedge in front of their cottage.
Arin spoke again. "It's better if you go alone, Gird. Can you do that?"
Cold sweat sprang out all over him. Alone? But he knew Arin was right. The sergeant and steward would know that his brother had gone to bring him in—the whole village knew already—but if he went the rest of the way alone it could go unspoken. Less chance that more punishment would fall on Arin.
The soldiers were just starting out from the gates when he came in sight of them; the sergeant must have delayed as long as he could. They paused, and the sergeant gestured. Gird walked on. His legs felt shaky again, and it was hard to breathe. When he was close enough, he didn't know what to say. He couldn't salute, not with his filthy uniform under his arm, and a peasant shirt on his back. The sergeant's face was closed, impassive.
"Well, Gird," he said.
"Sir," said Gird miserably, looking down at his scuffed and dirty boots. He forced himself to meet the sergeant's eyes. "I—I was wrong, sir." One of the men guffawed; the sergeant cut it short with a chop of his hand.
"You broke your oath," the sergeant said. He sounded weary and angry together, someone who had come near the end of his strength as well as his patience. "Right in front of the count himself—" He stopped. "You're carrying your uniform? Right. Give it here." Gird handed it over, and the sergeant took it, his nostrils pinched. "Take off your boots, boy." Gird stared a moment, then hurried to obey. Of course the boots were part of the uniform; he should have thought of that. His feet, pale and thin-skinned from more than a year of wearing boots daily, found the dusty lane cool and gritty. The sergeant jerked his head at Keri, one of the other recruits, who came to take the boots, and the uniform both. "We'll burn them," said the sergeant. "We want nothing tainted with cowards' sweat." Gird felt himself flushing; the sergeant nodded at him. "Yes, you. You were wrong, and so was I, to think you'd ever make a soldier. I should have known, when you flinched from it before . . ." His voice trailed away, as the steward came out the gates with the village headman.
The steward gave Gird the same sort of searching look. "So. He came back, did he? Or did you track him down?"
"He came back, sir. Brought his uniform; he'd got a shirt from somewhere."
The steward looked Gird up and down. "It's a bad business, boy, to break an oath. Hard to live down. Reflects on the family. The count would make an example of you, but for the sergeant's report: you're strong, and docile, and will do more good at fieldwork than you will feeding crows from the gibbet. See that you work, boy, and cause no trouble. One more complaint of you, and your family's holding is forfeit." He turned to the headman, ignoring Gird.
The sergeant said, "You heard him. What are you waiting for? Get along to work, boy, and thank your Lady of Peace that you still have the limbs to work with. I wouldn't mind laying a few stripes on your back myself."
In time Gird thought the stripes would have hurt less. He walked back to his father's cottage, that bright morning, with his feet relearning the balance of walking bare, and his skin prickling with the knowledge that everyone knew he had been disgraced. Had disgraced
himself
, he reminded himself firmly. That first time along the lane, no one said anything, though he was aware of all the sidelong glances. He made it home without incident, to find Arin waiting for him.
"You're to clean out the cowbyre," said Arin, handing him the old wooden shovel. "He thinks it better if you keep out of sight."
Gird glanced at his mother, busy at her loom. Her expression said "I told you no good would come of it," as clearly as if she'd spoken aloud. His youngest sister Hara had obviously been told to keep quiet. He wondered if she'd been the one peeking through the hedge earlier. Probably. He took the shovel and went to work.
Across the barton, Arin was mending harness. Beyond the barton wicket, Gird could see a cluster of men in the greatfield. Midmorning now; they'd stopped work for a chat and a drink. He shoveled steadily, piling the dirty straw and manure in the basket, to drag across the barton and toss on the pile just beyond the gate. He wasn't sure why Arin was staying close—did they think he would run again? And Arin hadn't asked what happened up at the manor gates. Gird felt as touchy as after his first sunburn each spring. Every glance Arin gave him seemed to be made of flame.
At noon, Hara passed through the cowbyre with their father's lunch wrapped in a cloth; she gave Gird a cool nod that cut him to the bone. Arin stopped punching holes and lacing straps together, and stretched. He smiled; by then Gird was not sure what that smile meant.
"Come on, then, long-face. It's not what you're used to, but it is food." Arin hardly needed to wash, but Gird was muck to the knees and elbows. He remembered to flick a spatter of clean water out for grace, and washed carefully enough to please the sergeant before going in to get his bowl of mush. It hardly seemed to touch his hunger, but then the look on his mother's face tightened his throat so that he could not have swallowed another bite.
By late afternoon, he had cleared the cowbyre, and when the cowherd brought the animals back to the village, and Arin led their own three into the barton, he had the stalls spread with fresh straw. He washed up quickly, and started milking. He had always liked the cows, even the crook-horned red cow who slapped his face with her dirty great tail and did her best to tread in the bucket. His father appeared as he was milking the second, but said nothing before going on inside. Gird leaned his head into a warm, hairy flank, and let his hands remember the rhythmic squeeze and pull that brought the milk down quickly and easily. The milk smelled good, no taint of onion or wild garlic. He leaned closer, and gave himself a warm, luscious mouthful.
"I saw that," said Arin, from around the rump of the third cow. "You know better." It was the old bantering tone of their boyhood, but it didn't seem the same.
"Sorry," said Gird, wishing he weren't so conscious of the taste of that milk, the richness of it. Their milk was traded to the village cheesemaker; grown men did not drink milk. He felt he could drink the whole bucket. He finished the last quarter, and carried the bucket into the kitchen. From there he could hear the voices in the front room: his father and the steward. What now? he wondered. But his mother, square athwart the kitchen hearth, sent him back to the barton with a wave of her spoon.
He ranged around it, doing every chore he could think of, until his father called him in. It was much like the night the steward had visited to offer him the chance to train: his mother and father sitting stiffly on one side, and the steward at their single table. Arin followed him in. Kara, banished to the kitchen, was as close to the door as she could be, and not be seen by the elders.
"You should know," said the steward without preamble, "what your rashness will cost your father. He must appear at court, the afternoon of the count's investiture. I have spoken with the count, and pled what I can: your youth, your father's record of work, your brothers. But the fact is, the count is angry, and with reason. And your father, head of your family, will be fined. I came to tell him, that he might have it ready to pay, and save himself a night in the stocks."
Gird met his father's eyes. His father in the stocks? For his running away?
"You will attend as well, boy, and it may be the count will have something to say to you. He is your lord; he may do as he pleases. Remember your rank, and try—" the emphasis was scornful, "to cause no more trouble."
When the steward had gone, Gird's father patted his shoulder. "It's all right, Gird. You're here, and alive, and—it's all right." Gird knew it was not. For the first time in his life, he realized that he could do harm he could not mend. He felt at once helpless and young, and far removed from the boyish confidence of a few days before.
"What—how much is the fine?" he asked.
His father cleared his throat. "Well. They want repaid all they spent on your training. It's all in the steward's accounts, he says. Food, clothing, the coppers he sent me, even barracks room. And then a fine for oath-breaking—" Gird had never really mastered figures, but he knew he'd worn clothes worth far more than his family could have bought him. And eaten more, of better food. His father turned to Arin. "I'll have to ask you—"