The girls never looked his way at all, and he was sure they laughed about him in their little groups. He was careful not to watch them openly and court more ridicule, although he had come to the age where the mere sight of a girl leaning to pull a bucket from a well could send his blood pounding. It was slightly easier to ignore the girls if he wasn't with the boys. He quit trying to talk to anyone, soon, and kept to his own family.
With all they had lost, that winter was hard. They could not afford to butcher an animal for winter meat; they would need every calf and lamb next spring to pay the field-fee. Gird's scanty earnings had gone for the fall taxes, along with two of their sheep. That meant less wool next spring, for his mother to spin and weave, and less cloth to trade or sell. At least they had fodder in plenty, for that had been gathered before they lost the extra animals. And Gird roamed the wood bringing back loads of firewood and sacks of nuts. He avoided the nutting parties of the other boys and young men, avoided the last autumn gatherings of dancers at the sheepfold.
Later, he remembered that winter as the coldest, hungriest, and most miserable of his life, although he knew that wasn't true. There was no real famine; they had beans and grain enough, some cheese. Except for the ritual cold hearth at Midwinter, they had a good fire yearlong. His mother had managed a whole shirt for him, pieced out of scraps, and he had rags enough to wrap his feet. It was the sudden difference, from more than enough to barely enough, that made it seem so bleak.
Meris died in the long cold days after Midwinter. Gird had tried to visit him once, but his family, suffering under a heavy fine as well as Meris's injuries, wanted no contact with another unlucky boy. Meris had had few friends, but those boys loosed their frustrated rage on Gird when they caught him alone, and battered him into the snow. He might have fought back, to ease his own frustration and grief, but one of them got a bucket over his head. The guards heard the noise, and broke it up; when Gird wrestled the bucket off his head, the sergeant was standing there sucking his teeth speculatively. He said nothing, just watched, as Gird made it to one knee, then another, and staggered off down the lane.
That was the last direct assault, but by then Gird was convinced that everyone was against him. The next time he got a bit of work, and a copper crab, he took it to the smelly leanto behind Kirif's cottage, where a couple of other men hunched protectively over mugs of sour ale. He knew it was wrong. He didn't care. For a crab he got more ale than his head would hold, mug after mug, and his father found him snoring against the wall.
That loosed his father's tongue, where the other had not. "A sot as well as a coward! I didn't work so hard to save a drunken oaf, lad; this had best be the last time you spend our needs on your own pleasure." It didn't feel like pleasure then; his head was pounding and his stomach felt as if it never wanted food again. His father was not finished, however. He heard the full tale of his misdeeds, from the time he'd run off to follow Arin on the pighunt as a child, to the stupidity of going for a soldier, right down to his selfishness and sullenness in the past months. He had not told his father about Meris's friends attacking him, or what Teris had said; he realized that it wouldn't do any good now.
He felt almost as guilty as his father seemed to want. It
was
his fault, no getting around it, and if some of the consequences weren't fair, nothing ever had been. Only one of the gods cared about fair, that he knew of, and the High Lord was far away, nothing much to do with the village folk or the soldiers, either one. He went back to work doggedly, determined to pay back enough of the debt he owed so that Arin could marry within a year. He didn't visit the aleshop until after Midsummer, and then with a basket of mushrooms to trade, not good coin his family could use. And he stopped with a single mug, that put a pleasant haze between him and the other villagers.
Arin's wedding briefly lightened his miseries, for his favorite brother would include Gird in the celebration despite anything he'd done. "Besides," Arin said, "you've worked hard to get my fee together. You might have done much less; it wasn't all your fault, after all. I know I can depend on you."
For a wedding, all quarrels ceased. Oreg even donated a pig to the feast. Gird was old enough to wait in the barton with the men, to watch his brother's dance, and join the drinking afterwards, when the newlyweds were safe abed and women were cleaning up the last of the feast. This was not like Kirif's leanto; here was a cask of the strong brown brew from a neighboring village, and hearty voices singing all the rollicking old songs he'd grown up with, from "Nutting in the Woods" to "Red Sim's Second Wife." He had enough ale to soften the edges of any remarks about him, and joined his loud voice to the others without noticing anyone's complaint.
But this did not last. Arin and his wife took over the bed he had shared with Gird, as was only right; Gird slept on the floor near the hearth that winter. Arin's wife, soon with child, began to have the childsickness, waking early every morning to heave and heave, filling the cottage with the stink of her illness. Gird, now on the work rolls, had his own duties to fulfill when the required days came around; he could no longer replace his brother and free one worker for the family. When Arin's first child was born, another mouth to feed, they had not yet put by enough for the field-fee. That year was leaner than the one before.
Soon Gird felt that he would never get anywhere at all. Arin's wife lost a child, but was soon pregnant again. As hard as they all could work was barely enough to feed them; they had no chance to save towards replacing the sheep or cow Gird had cost them. Year flowed into year, a constant struggle to survive. Gird could not miss the gray in his father's hair, the cough that every winter came sooner and lasted longer.
"I don't see why you care." Gird hunched protectively over his mug. The mood Amis was in, if he turned around to argue, Amis would grab it away. He didn't have anything to trade for another, and this one would barely fuzz the edges of his misery.
"You're turning into a drunk," said Amis, far too briskly. "It's been what—three years?—and all you do is work and drink—"
"And eat," said Gird. "Don't forget that—they tell me all the time at home."
"And eat. You never come out with us—"
Gird shrugged, and took a swallow. Worse than usual, it tasted, but the bite in his throat promised ease later. "You may want me; the others don't."
"It's past, Gird. So you're not a soldier, so what? We didn't like it that much when you were—"
"That's true. You don't much like anything I do: fight or not fight, run or not run, drink or not drink. If I gave up ale, Amis, would that make me friends? Not likely."
"You know what I mean. Drink for celebration, yes—with all of us, a lot of singing and dancing and rolling the girls—but not this way. Come with us tonight, anyway."
Gird swallowed the rest of the mug he allowed himself, and tried to think past the rapidly spreading murk in his head. Walk across the fields to some sheepfold, listen to a wandering harper play, dance with—it would have to be girls from the other village, none from here would have him. And then back by daybreak, to work—his feet ached, his back ached, all he wanted was his bed. But at home his father's eyes would question silently: what did you take, to trade for that drink? What will you take next? It was my own, he answered that unspoken question. I found the mushrooms, I picked them when you were resting, it's my right—
"All right," he said gruffly. Amis grinned at him, steadied him as he stood. He did not look to see the reactions of the other men drinking in Kirif's hut; he thought he knew exactly what he'd see if he did.
Somewhere on the walk, two others joined them: Koris and Jens, he'd known them all his life. His skin prickled; he was sure they were none too happy to find him coming along. But nothing they said led that way. It was all the common talk of their village, Jens courting Torin and her father's dislike of it, a wager between Koris and his older brother on the sex of an unborn calf, Teris's problems with his wife's mother, how the last spring storm had damaged the young fruit on the trees. The thought passed through his mind that, but for subjects, it was much like the talk of his mother and aunt and sisters, that nearly drove him mad when he had to be indoors listening to it. For all that Jens and Koris talked of the girls, while Effa and Kara talked of the boys, it was the same talk. Who liked, who spurned, who loved secretly—who would be honest, and who lied in all encounters—whose work could be trusted, and who put rotten plums in the bottom of the basket.
He said nothing, having nothing to say, as the cool night air gradually blew the fumes of ale away. They were walking over the higher pastures sunrising of the village—east, as the lords called it. Under his feet the turf made an uneven carpet; overhead the spring stars blossomed as the night darkened. It had been a long time since he'd been out in the dark looking up, his gaze unmisted by drink. Some night-blooming plant—he knew he should know the name, but he'd forgotten—spread rare perfume on the air, and every lungful he took in seemed important, as if it carried a secret message.
They could see the sheepfold from the ridge, dark against the leaping flames of the fire built in the outer enclosure. As they came down the slope, the harpsong came to greet them, first the more carrying notes, then all of them, a quick rhythm that made them hurry. It ended, and voices rose in noisy swirls of greeting, flirtation, argument. Gird lagged as the others moved forward. He saw Jens edge toward a darker corner. There was Torin, who must have come earlier with her friends. Koris glanced back at him, and Gird stepped into the brighter firelight, not quite sure what he was going to do. He hadn't been to one of these since he was old enough to be serious about it. Boys the age he'd been lounged against the low stone wall, or crouched atop, knocking elbows and joking about the older ones.
At least three times a growing season, from early spring to fall, the young unmarried men and women of five villages met at this communal sheepfold. Gird had no idea how the dates were set, only that the word would spread through the young men—tomorrow night, tonight—and those who wished would go. One cold autumn evening, the first year he'd gone, there'd been only three young men and two women, and the music had come from a ragged lad playing a reed pipe. Usually there were more, and always someone from outside, a stranger, to play the music they danced to. But he had not come since he left the guard's training.
He heard someone say his name, across the fire, and his head jerked up. He couldn't see who, even when he squinted against the flames. So. They'd heard the story too, no doubt, and it would all be told over again. He glared at the coals beneath the burning wood, that half-magical heap of colored lights and mysterious shapes that seemed to be struggling to say something. A long hiss ended in a violent
pop
, and he jumped.
"I wonder what it said that time." The girl's voice held humor, as well as warmth. Gird didn't look at her.
"What all fires say," he said.
"Here's home and safety," she said. And then, surprisingly, "Here's danger; here's death."
Gird turned. She had a broad face, boldly boned for strength, not beauty, and all he could tell of her coloring in that uncertain light was that she was darker than he. Big capable hands held the ends of her shawl; she looked like any other young woman. Except for those eyes, he thought, watching the perfect reflection of the fire in them. Except for the mind that said those words.
"You're Gird," she said. "The one who left the guards."
"Yes." He wished he hadn't looked at her.
"Are they hard on you?"
He looked again, once more surprised. "Now?" She said nothing, and he wondered whether he dared be honest. Silence lengthened. No one else came near them; he could feel no other attention, no other pressure than her quiet interest. "At first," he began, "it was worst on my family—my father, my brothers—" He told her about that, the fines they'd had to pay, the extra labor on the roads. She said nothing, only nodding when he broke off. Tentatively, warily, he told her more. The guards themselves had bothered him least—even now that surprised him, that the sergeant, after that one explosion, had been fair, if distant, and the other soldiers neutral. "I'm just another farmer's son to them. They don't bother me, if they see me; they treat me no differently than the others. They never teased—" His head went down, remembering those who did, whose taunts he could not answer.
"It's like rape," she said. He stared at her, shocked and ready to argue, but she was still talking. "They blame the blameless, the victim: they always do. When the young count's houseparty went hunting our way, and one of them took my cousin, took her there in the street just for the excitement of it, everyone blamed her. My aunt said 'Oh, if you hadn't loitered there,' and the lad who loved her—or said he did—had nothing to say but blame. All her fault, it was, but how could she help it? They blame you, for not preventing what they never moved to prevent."
"But I wasn't—"
"Not your
body
," she said, in a tone that meant he should have understood. Then, "Never mind. If you're not killed, you're still alive; so my cousin said, and married elsewhere a year later, after the babe died. She survived; you will; that's how we all live."
"It's not right," Gird said, in a voice that he remembered in himself from years past.
Her brows went up. "Are we gods, to know right and wrong beyond the law? I hate the way it is, but no one made me a lord."
He would have answered, or tried to, but the music began again. At close range, the harp drowned out soft words, and the others had begun a song. Gird didn't know it, but the girl did.
"Fair are the flowers that bloom in the meadows
Fair are the flowers that bloom on the hill
Each spring brings more to brighten the season
Each winter snowstorm the bright flowers kills—"