The India Fan (28 page)

And now here he was at the end of his life and I should be alone in the world. No, I would have Polly. Polly was like a raft to a drowning person, Polly was the guiding star of my life.

I knew that my father could not live long. I knew that Colin Brady would step into his shoes, and there was no place for me herehere I had lived all my lifenless it was as Colin wife.

Perhaps some would think the wise thing to do would be to take what was offered to me.

No, no, I said to myself. Why should I feel this revulsion? Colin is a good man. I should be content with him. But I had compared him with others and found him wanting: Dougal, who had made me think our friendship was ripening to something stronger; Fabian, who promised excitement and who had made it clear what sort of relationship there would have to be between us.

It was foolish to think of these two. They were not to be compared with Colin. Colin would never be overwhelmed by beauty as Dougal had been; it would never occur to him to indulge in a less than respectable relationship.

Sometimes I thought I was foolish to turn from Colin. Lady Harriet was right. Marriage with him might well prove not only the best, but the only solution.

While I sat leaning against the hedge of the paddock I often found myself looking up at a certain window and remembering how, years ago, Miss Lucille used to look down on us having our riding lesson.

One day I saw the curtains move. A figure stood at the window looking down at me. Miss Lucille. I lifted a hand and waved. There was no response, and after a while I saw her move away as though she were being led.

I saw her often after that. I usually would be there in the afternoon, and often at the same time. It was like an arrangement between us.

I was getting more and more uneasy about my father. He talked now and then of my mother, and I felt he was finding great satisfaction in living in the past.

verything she was going to do was for you,he told me dreamily when he had nodded off when I was reading and had awakened suddenly to find that I had stopped. he so much wanted a child. I was glad she lived long enough to see you. I never saw anything more beautiful than her face when she held you in her arms. She wanted everything for you. She wanted you well settled in life. I glad Colin Brady is here. He a good man. I trust him as I feel I can trust few others.

es,I agreed, e has been good.

el take over when I gone. It right that he should. Hel be better at the job than I was.

ou are very much liked here, Father.

oo forgetful. Not really cut out to be a parson.

nd you think Colin is?

o the manner born. He got it in his blood. His father and grandfather were both in the Church. Drusilla, you could do far worse and you couldn do better. He a man I trust with you.

lot of people seem to think it would be convenient if I married Colin Brady.

he rectory would always be your home.

es. But does one marry for a home? Did you?

He was smiling, his mind drifting back to the days when my mother was alive.

ou could do far worse,he murmured.

They were all concerned for my future and the answer seemed obvious to them even to my father.

One day when I was in the paddock Ayesha came to me. I was startled to see her. She smiled at me and said, ou come here often.

t so quiet and peaceful.

uiet peaceful,she repeated. y mistress sees you. She looks for you.

es, I have seen her.

he wishes to speak to you.

ith me?

She nodded. he has never forgotten you.

h you mean that time I took the fan.

oor soul. She lives much in the past. She is ill, I fear very ill. She talks of joining Gerald He was her lover. It is wonderful to see with what joy she contemplates the reunion. Shall we go? You see, she watches us from the window. Very much she wishes to speak with you.

I followed Ayesha into the house and up the great staircase, hoping that we should not meet Lady Harriet on the way.

Through the long passages we went and came to the door of that room in which I had found the peacock-feather fan. It was still in its place.

Miss Lucille was standing by the window. She was in a dressing gown, her feet in slippers.

have her here for you,said Ayesha.

elcome, my dear,said Miss Lucille. ow happy I am to see you here. It is a long time since we met face to face. But I have seen you.She waved her hand vaguely in the direction of the window. ome and talk with me.

it down here,said Ayesha, settling Miss Lucille in her chair and drawing up another for me.

ell me, my dear,said Miss Lucille. ife has not been good ?

I hesitated. I was not sure. Had it been good? In parts, perhaps.

uch has happened that is not good?she persisted.

I nodded slowly. All that trouble with Lavinia the ordeal with the police the sadness of Janine the tragedy of Miriam the disappointment with Dougal the encounters with Fabian.

ou should never have had it in your possession,she went on. here is the toll

I realized she was talking about the peacock fan.

o you ever think of it?she asked. he beauty of those feathers. Do you remember the jewel the good and the evil ? So beautiful but beauty can be evil.

Ayesha was standing by the chair watching her mistress closely. She was frowning a little and I believed that meant she was anxious.

Miss Lucille half closed her eyes and began to tell me the story of her lover, as she had told me once before, and as she spoke the tears began to run down her cheeks.

t was the fan If only we had not gone into the bazaar that day. If only he had not bought it for me if only he had not taken it to the jeweller how different everything would have been! And you, my child, you should never have let it cast its spell on you.

don think it cast a spell on me. I only borrowed it for a little while.

t did. I know. I felt the weight lifted from me.

She closed her eyes and seemed to fall asleep.

I looked questioningly at Ayesha, who lifted her shoulders. hat is how she is,she whispered. he wanted so much to see you and when you come she forgets what she wanted to say to you. She is content now. She has seen you. She talks of you now and then. She is concerned for you. She makes me tell her about your life at the rectory. She is concerned because your father is so ill.

wonder she remembers me.

t is because she likes you and because of the fan. She is obsessed by the fan.

hy does she attach such importance to it?

he sees it as the source of trouble.

am surprised she does not get rid of it.

She shook her head. o. She believes she cannot do that. It would not get rid of the curse, she says. That goes on forever.

ut if she believes

t an old superstition, and because of what happened after she had the fan, she believes it was because of it that she lost her lover. It has taken possession of her.

t is very sad. I think I should go now. Lady Harriet would not be pleased to find me here.

ady Harriet has gone to London. She is very happy. Her son is coming home for a brief visit. There is some business to which he must attend. It is to be a short stay, but she is delighted that she will see him if only for a little while.

I felt my heart leap and I was alive again. A brief visit! I wondered if I should see him.

here will be much entertaining. There will be some grand people here. Invitations go out. It is not good for Miss Lucille. She is always restive when there are people in the house.

I was wondering if his stay in India had changed him.

think I should go now,I said.

Ayesha glanced at Miss Lucille. es,she said. t is a deep sleep now. She sleeps most of the time.

have to read to my father. He will be expecting me.

es,she said. ome. I will take you out.

She led me out through the hall and I went quickly home.

I had almost forgotten the visit and the strangeness of Miss Lucille because Fabian was coming home.

That night my father took a turn for the worse. He had. had a stroke which left him slightly paralysed and unable to speak clearly. The doctor told us it could not be many weeks before the end.

I was with him most of the time and I could see death coming closer and closer.

Polly wrote. If anything happened I should come to her immediately. We talk. There would be a lot to say. I wasn to rush into anything. Polly was the only one who seemed to think that marriage with Colin Brady was not the most desirable thing that could happen to me.

Fabian arrived at Framling the day my father died. I heard from Mrs. Janson that he was home. I was with my father at the end. He held my hand and I could see that he was at peace.

Colin Brady was very good. He took charge with sympathy and efficiency and if he thought he was a step nearer to his goal he did not show it.

Lady Harriet was displeased that the rector should die just as she was preparing for her son return. Immersed as she was in parish affairs, the event was, to say the least, inconvenient. I imagined her mentioning the fact somewhat reproachfully in her prayers. There should have been a little more consideration from On High towards one who had always unflinchingly done her duty.

I heard from Mrs. Janson that she had been planning important festivities ever since she had heard that her son was coming home. Lady Geraldine Fitzbrock, with her parents, was coming to stay at Framling and it was an important visit. The Fitzbrocks were of lineage as impeccable as Lady Harriet herself and it was quite clear that she had settled on Geraldine Fitzbrock for Sir Fabian.

I wondered about him now and then, but mostly my thoughts were preoccupied with the past. There was so much in the house to remind me of my father. It seemed oddly quiet, and alien almost, now that he was lying in his coffin behind the drawn blinds of the sitting room. Everywhere there was something to bring back memories his study with the book-lined walls; volumes with bookmarks in his favourite places. I kept thinking of his hunting for his spectacles when he wanted to remind himself of a particularly beloved passage living in another age, halfheartedly trying to tear himself away from it and come back to the affairs of his parish.

I should have been prepared. I could see his furrowed brow when he contemplated me. He had been deeply concerned about my futures I supposed I should be. In his unworldly heart he had believed I would marry Dougal. How he would have welcomed him as his son-in-law, visualizing long visits when they would delve into the past together. Dougal had been a young man not greatly endowed with worldly goods at that time scholar, a man of great gentleness, lacking ambition, a man made in my father own mould.

Looking back, I realized how disappointed he must have been when it had not turned out as he wished. Not only had he been deprived of a son-in-law whom he would have welcomed, but there was the problem of his daughter future, which had become an anxiety. Then he had hoped I would marry Colin Brady. That would have been a very sensible conclusion. Colin Brady, true, would have been second best, but very acceptable all the same.

People were thinking that I should take what I could get. Opportunity came rarely in life and when it did must not be lightly turned aside. Lady Harriet had implied that I was foolish. I daresay I was. It was not that I disliked Colin Brady. No one could, really. He was so kind and considerate to all. He would be the perfect priest. But somehow at the back of my mind was the feeling that if I did he sensible thingI would regret it, for I would be choosing a way of life that would be so predictable, it would rob me of all the excitement that made up the savour of living.

If I had never known Dougal if I had been a more conventional person perhaps I should have married Colin. But I was myself; and instinctively I rebelled against the suggestion of marriage in such circumstances.

Fabian came over to the rectory to see me. He looked really concerned. am so sorry,he said.

hank you. It was not unexpected.

o. But a shock nevertheless.

t was good of you to call.

ut of course I called.

hope your stay in India was successful.

He lifted his shoulders.

nd shall you be here long?I went on.

o. Briefly. Very briefly.

see.

nd you will be making plans?

shall have to.

am sure you will. If there is anything we can do up at Framling

othing, thank you. Mr. Brady is a great help.

was sure he would be. I hear the funeral is tomorrow. I shall be there.

hank you.

He smiled at me and soon after left.

I was glad when he went. I did not want him to see how emotional I was. I almost wished that he had not come to see me.

The church was full when my father was buried.

Lady Harriet and Sir Fabian were in the Framling pew. I could think of nothing but my father, and I kept going over all the little things I remembered of him. A feeling of desolation swept over me. I had never felt so lonely in my life.

Colin Brady was brisk and businesslike. He conducted the mourners back to the rectory and we drank mulled wine and ate sandwiches prepared by Mrs. Janson. An air of solemnity enveloped the house.

It was no longer my home. It could be, of course, if I married Colin. I had to think very seriously what I should do.

The will was read. There was little to leave, but what there was was mine. The solicitor told me that it would provide me with a minute incomeot enough to live on in any degree of comfort, but something to fall back on if need be. He added that he expected I had already considered the situation, which must be no surprise to me.

I said I was considering.

I was aware of the expectancy around me. Mrs. Janson looked prophetic. I was sure she thought I was going to marry Colin Brady and the household would go on in the way it always had. They knew my ways; they were fond of me; they did not want a stranger in the house.

It seemed inevitable to them, for it was clear that Mr. Brady was willing, and where would I find a more suitable husband? It was high time I settled down and there was the right place just waiting for me.