Authors: Diane M Dickson
Samuel was lost in the pain, it was deep and profound, it
consumed him. Confusion and panic gripped him, he was choking, something
clutched at his throat, he tried to scream, it was impossible he had no voice, was
he drowning, he must be drowning surely. His arms and legs refused to move,
tethered, he was tethered. Sudden bright light speared his eyes. His ears
hummed and sang, the world was a violent place and so he fought it. Choking,
bucking and writhing and grasping at the monsters holding him. Darkness
wrapped him round…
The baby was beautiful; he always knew it would be. With a
mother like Marie how could it have been any other way? She was smiling at him
now, glowing with pride and happiness. She was but a step away, holding out
the child, now he would cradle his son, he reached for the tiny bundle. Marie
stepped back.
No, let me hold him, please, let me hold him, come here
Marie, bring him to me.
She stepped away again, her eyes glittered with
emotion. She raised a hand, blew a kiss and then she left him again, and as
before she took their child with her.
“It’s alright. You’re okay, don’t struggle.” The voice
came from far away, “We’re going to let you have a sleep it will all be better
when you waken up. Don’t worry. We are looking after you.”
It made no sense, he was terrified, he wanted Marie. She
had gone into the dark. His limbs became leaden, the panic abated, and he
floated into the welcoming void…
The brightness was painful but the panic had gone. He felt
calm but puzzled, there was still a strange feeling in his throat, he tried to
swallow and it brought back the pain and some panic.
“It’s alright Samuel, don’t be upset. You have a tube in
your throat, it’s to help you to breathe, just relax, you mustn’t try to talk.”
A face floated into his line of vision, a kind face smiling
at him. He felt a hand, soft on his face. The world was returning, he tried
to look around.
“Don’t move too much Samuel. I know you’re confused but
just keep quiet and it’ll all make sense soon. You were hurt. You’ve been
very ill but you’re going to be fine. Do you understand me, just squeeze my
hand.”
The other hand in his palm was an anchor, and he squeezed,
feeling the movement in his own fingers, in his arm.
“That’s great. Now you have to be patient. You had some
damage to your lungs and you’ve been very poorly. We have to make sure you can
breathe on your own before we take the tube out. I know it’s not very nice but
it shouldn’t be for long. Okay?”
He squeezed again and the nurse, he recognised now it was a
nurse, smiled at him.
“Brilliant. Now we are here with you, we aren’t going to
leave you on your own, if you want anything you’ll have to point. You have a
catheter to take care of your bladder and there are tubes in your arm for
fluid. Doctor is on his way and he’ll give you a once over. Okay love?”
He squeezed.
Slowly it made some sense, he was in hospital, he couldn’t
remember how but the nurse would tell him, or the doctor. He took stock, his
throat felt odd and he was sore, his chest felt really painful and his whole
body ached. He tried to remember but nothing came except that Marie had been
there. He wondered where she was now, poor Marie, she’d be so worried. He
wanted to hold her hand, he wanted to tell her he was okay. He tried to
attract the nurse, raised his hand, tried to wave and she saw him and came to
the bedside.
“It’s okay Samuel, just keep calm. Do you need something?”
He nodded. She stroked his arm and looked around, checked
his catheter, his pillow and the sheet covering him. She reached over and
pulled a little notepad from the top of the trolley beside the bed. She handed
it to him and snapped the pen from her pocket.
“Do you think you can write it down for me?”
He took the pen and struggled with the incredible weight of
it, his fingers had forgotten how to make the shapes, she steadied his hand.
Marie, he wrote.
When she read the word the nurse simply shook her head.
Your friend, she isn’t here. Don’t worry about it now, just try to relax.
He didn’t understand, there was so much he didn’t understand
but Marie she wouldn’t leave him, not now. Where was she, tears formed in his
eyes, he needed her so badly. The nurse took his hand and stroked his head.
“You’ve been through the mill Samuel, don’t upset yourself,
give it time just try to keep calm.”
He felt his lids starting to close, he was so tired but
Marie, where was she. He needed to see her, why wasn’t she here?
“Come on love, we have to go in this way, then I have to
clock in, just stay near me and nobody’ll notice you.”
Sylvie smiled at Lennie’s aunty. She was dressed in a blue
overall and carried a plastic shopping bag, underneath she wore the plain
clothes Lennie had brought. She fit in well with the other cleaners and
maintenance people jostling and joking as they passed through the scratched and
battered door at the rear of the huge hospital building. A couple of the
workers grinned at her.
“This another of your nieces eh Marj?”
“Yeah, that’s it, she’s starting today and you keep your
hands off her Steve. I don’t want you leading her astray.”
They were inside and as they made their way through the narrow
corridors Marj pulled Sylvie into a small alcove.
“Right, now, if you’re still sure you want to try this you
just need to go up those stairs. Four flights gets you to the back entrance of
the ITU. I don’t think there’s a copper there but once you get inside there
are a couple on duty all the time as far as I can tell. You might be able to
sneak in, there are some baskets, you need to take a flimsy overall, some
overshoes and a hat. Use the hand cleaning thing on the wall and then it’s up
to you whether you can blag your way into his room or not. I don’t think
you’ll be able to do it but…” She gave a shrug and shook her head.
Sylvie gave the other woman a quick hug.
“Thanks Marj and please don’t worry, if I get caught I’ll
never mention you, I promise.”
She took the stairs slowly, her body still reminded her of
the events in the warehouse and she was nervous anyway. She was frightened she
would end this venture in the police cells and all the horror of the past days
would have been for nothing. She was driven though, by the need to see him and
the knowledge that Samuel was a countable number of steps away.
The door was painted blue, a small window in the side just
above the handle, gave a view of the department. Letters had been stencilled
onto the wood ‘ITU’. Beside the door there was a small dispenser with a laminated
notice exhorting her to wash her hands. Plastic crates held packages
containing the flimsy overalls, the overshoes and paper hats. She gowned up
and squeezed the antiseptic gel onto her hands. The door was heavy and she
squared her shoulders as she pushed at it. It refused to move. She pushed
again then saw the small metal box, “Please Ring and Wait”. As Sylvie jabbed
at the button, a nurse stationed behind a central desk turned to look in her
direction and then came and dragged open the door.
“Cleaner, sorry I’m new I was told to come here.”
“Didn’t they give you a pass key?”
Sylvie shook her head.
“Honestly, bloody contractors.”
With this remark the nurse turned on her heel and stalked
back across the vinyl flooring, she turned and looked over her shoulder.
“Cleaning stuff’s in the cupboard, don’t suppose they told
you that either did they?”
Sylvie lowered her gaze and trod quietly past the desk and
slipped into the little room. She leaned against the wall for a moment giving
her pounding heart the chance to settle and calm. The room was filled with
shelving units holding boxes and bottles, there were mops in the corner and a
vacuum cleaner.
She had glanced around and as Marj had warned her, a
policeman in uniform sat on a plastic chair outside what must be Samuel’s
room. The door was closed and there was no way to tell who was in there. She
doubted he would be alone but had no real knowledge of how this all worked.
Most of the other patients were in beds in the main unit and easily visible to
the staff. If Samuel was in the side room then surely there would be someone
with him, either police or hospital workers or possibly even both.
She collected the vacuum cleaner and made her way back
through the department. Plugged in and turned on it became a screen and a
shield, she was the cleaner. Nobody notices the cleaner and so inch by inch
she swept her way towards his door.
She was relieved that the policeman on duty was one she
hadn’t met before while she was waiting for Samuel to come out of surgery. He
looked up and gave her a disinterested smile and then went back to his study of
a magazine. She continued with her vacuuming.
She laid her hand on the door handle and instantly the
constable was alert.
“No love not in there.”
“Oh, but I have to clean all the floors. It’s what they
said, all the floors, behind the desk, inside the storage rooms everything.”
“That’s not a storage room, there’s a patient in there.”
“Oh, well I’ll be quiet. Try not to disturb them. Are they
really sick then? Is that why the door’s shut? Is it a bloke or a woman?”
“Look love, I told you not in there. Now just get on with
whatever else you have to do right.”
He glared at her now and she turned away with a shrug and
continued until the whole unit had been covered. Then she went and brought out
the toilet cleaning equipment. She was winging it now but he was so near. If
she could just see him it would be enough, she didn’t even need to talk. If
she could just see him and, if he was awake, let him know she was here.
She cleaned the toilets in the main unit and as she passed
the closed door she stopped.
“Now I have to do the bog in there. Even you can see that,
it’s a hygiene thing, the bog needs to be done. I won’t be long. Come on
please, I’m on probation, I need to show ‘em I can do a good job.”
The policeman gave her a long look, glanced down at the pail
of cleaning gear and shrugged his shoulders.
“Go on then, quick mind and I’m standing by the door. Don’t
disturb the bloke and don’t try to talk to him and bloody well hurry up. My
boss’ll be here in five minutes and he’ll have my guts for garters if he finds
you in there.”
She pushed open the door.
Back in the shabby flat Lennie paced back and forth. She
stubbed out a cigarette, plopped down onto the chair but couldn’t settle. Her
mind whirled. Although their relationship was in its infancy she felt strongly
drawn to Sylvie. She recognised in the other girl things which were part of
her own make up. Though they hadn’t talked about it she knew Sylvie had been
down many of the same roads she herself had travelled.
Life had been tough, a struggle from the earliest days.
Losing her brother to drugs, her own soul to prostitution and many friends to
crime, depression and all the other things that blighted lives around her she
had simply trudged on taking where she could and giving when it was possible.
Now though, after seeing the dreadful injuries and the depth of terror in her
eyes in the warehouse she was tormented by what had happened to Sylvie.
Though Sylvie had told her repeatedly that she didn’t blame
her Lennie held herself totally responsible and though she could forgive her
brother for wasting his life and herself for many of the things she had done
this was now too much. She had done it because she was afraid, truly afraid
for her own life but it was no longer enough to use fear as an excuse, she had to
take control. A plan began to form.
When Sylvie came back from the hospital she needed to have a
talk to her, put her ideas into words and she hoped to be able to convince the
other girl it was the way to go. She lit another cigarette and for the hundredth
time in the last hour checked the clock. Time crawled by, it was only mid-morning.
She threw on her jacket and went out for a walk. She would go to the pub, get
some company and try to pass the day.
As she made her way towards the short cut through the little
park she didn’t notice the big black car parked around the corner, or the two
thugs waiting and watching…
Back at the hospital Sylvie took a breath as she pushed open
the door to Samuel’s room. It was dimmer in here than the department as a whole,
blinds had been pulled over the window. A nurse sat in the corner on a small
easy chair and she glanced up as Sylvie slid through the door.
“What are you doing? You can’t come in here.”
“Cleaner, I just need to clean the toilet.”
As she spoke she took another tentative step. Her eyes were
beyond her control, they swung of their own accord towards the bed. He was
propped on several pillows. There were machines ranged around him, many of
them beeping quietly. He had tubes in both arms but she was surprised to find he
looked normal. He had colour in his face and seemed comfortable. There was no
connection here with the blood soaked body she had been with in the back of the
screaming ambulance. His eyes were closed. Her heart fluttered at the sight of
him, she willed his lids to rise.
Look at me Samuel, see me. I’m here,
please look at me.
By now the nurse had risen and crossed the room.
“Sorry love, you can’t come in here. There’s nothing you
need to do. Just go back into the department, carry on with your other jobs.”
She had to connect with him.
“Aw look, the poor thing, is he very sick?”
Maybe it would be enough, maybe if he heard her voice it
would penetrate. His eyelids flickered. She took the chance.
“Hello love, I’m sorry you’re not well.”
As she spoke the nurse and policeman acted in unison, the
nurse pushed at the door and the copper grabbed Sylvie’s arm.
“I warned you, you’re not to speak to him, come on. Move
yourself.”
“Alright mate, alright. I was just being nice.”
His eyes opened, the noise and fuss had found its way
through the mist surrounding him and he looked directly at her, she held her
breath. Her eyes were stretched wide, she smiled and her hand rose of its own
accord. He moved his head slightly, peered blearily at her and then his gaze
swung to the nurse. The tube had been removed from his throat and he was
parched.
“Could I have some water?”
The whispered words caught the nurse’s attention and she
stepped back towards her patient.
“It’s alright Samuel. I’ll get your drink.”
The policeman dragged at Sylvie, she had to try again, to
find a way to attract his attention.
“Hey, take your hands off me. I’ll sue you for assault.”
Samuel turned his head, he looked into her eyes. His gaze
swung away back to the nurse who offered him a tumbler with a straw poking from
the top. There had been nothing, no sign of recognition, no flash of
remembrance, absolutely nothing, he had looked through her. Her shoulders
slumped as the tears leaped to her eyes, she had to cover the distress, had to
get away. She was choking on emotion.
“Let go you sod, let go.”
She ran from the room and through the unit, as she reached
the main doors they swung open and she came face to face with Constable Forbes
flanked by the male detective who had questioned her in the waiting room.
“Sylvie.” As she blurted the name Stella Forbes grabbed at
the other girl. “What the hell.”
Sylvie twisted and stamped on the other woman’s foot and
then she was off again, haring down these hospital corridors, running for her
life as the alarms screeched around her.