The long pause and the look on his face confirmed what I already knew. He finally broke his silence. “I’m sorry, Kat, but I can’t give you that guarantee. I know that I want to be with you, but kids, no matter how far off in the distance, are just something I am really unsure about,” he said regretfully. “I know that I don’t have the time to commit to a child. I grew up with a dad like that. He was never around for my sister or me because he was always too busy with work. I would never want to do that to my own child.”
“You can be two things at once. There’s no law against it, just because your dad was that way doesn’t –”
He stopped me mid-sentence. “Kat, my career comes first right now.”
I appreciated his honesty no matter how much it hurt to hear. “As much I would love to go with you, I just can’t. We would be living out your dream, Julian, not mine. I know that I want to have kids someday,” I said sadly. There was no one else that I would have loved to have all of that with more than him but I knew that wasn’t possible; it wasn’t what he wanted.
“Okay, so what now?” he asked.
I knew that the hardest words that I ever had to say were about to come from my mouth, but I also knew they had to be said if I wanted to ever move on with my life. “You go to Germany and I stay here, but I don’t think that we can continue any type of relationship at all.” My eyes began to sting from the buildup of tears.
I could see the hurt on his face but I knew that he couldn’t possibly be feeling any worse than I was. He looked away as if he didn’t want to hear it. He sighed deeply and ran his hand through his hair. “Is that what you want?”
”It’s not what I want; not at all. But I know the more that I talk to you, the more I’m going to miss you, and want to be with you. I need to be able to move on with my life,” I said.
“Why can’t we just think about this, give it some time before we just end it?” He asked.
“Julian, don’t you see we want totally different things from life? I’ve wasted five years on a guy that I thought wanted the same things as me, and I don’t want to do that again.”
“Oh, so I’m paying for his mistakes?” He asked sarcastically.
“No, you’re not. You are nothing like him. You are kind, caring, and most importantly, honest.”
“Yeah, maybe too honest.” He shook his head as if he were disgusted with himself.
“No, don’t ever think that, Julian; I appreciate your honesty so much.”
He put his head on the back of the couch and looked up at the ceiling as if he were deep in thought. “I have never felt about anyone the way that I feel about you - I don’t want to lose you.” There was so much sadness in his voice that it tore me up inside. “We can be very happy together just me and you,” he said, trying his best to convince me.
“I know, I am very happy when I’m with you. You have been the only person that has made me smile since I lost my dad. But I also know that I want a child someday – ever since I was a little girl I knew that I wanted to me a mom.”
“Kat I wish so badly that I could honestly tell you that someday I’d be willing to be a father but I can’t right now. The thought of never talking to you again,” he paused briefly, looked away and continued. “The thought of you being with someone else – it kills me. But, I have to be fair to you, even though it’s not what I want,” he said.
I swallowed hard, trying to hold back the tears; he hugged me tightly, which only made it harder. He grabbed a tissue off the table and handed it to me as I wiped my eyes.
He held me in his arms until it was finally time for him to go. He reluctantly promised that he would not call me. He programmed his cell phone number into mine, making me promise to call him if there was anything that I ever needed. I nodded in agreement.
I had a heaviness in my chest as I walked him to the door. I went to give him a hug but before I could he pulled me close, giving me a very long passionate kiss, before hugging me tightly.
“You be careful,” I said.
“I will,” he reassured me.
“I know that someday I will be reading about you doing some pretty amazing things and I’ll be able to tell my kids that I was just some girl who was lucky enough to have known you.”
“You will never ever just be some girl to me, you were the girl.” He kissed me gently on the forehead. “I love you, Kat,” he whispered.
My heart leaped from my chest hearing those words. I pulled him closer. “Julian, please don’t make this harder,” I pleaded. I was crying harder now, not wanting to let him go but knowing I had to. He looked down at me, wiping my tears away. I could tell he was starting to get emotional as well. “Goodbye, Kat.”
“I love you too,” I whispered to myself as I watched him drive away. I closed the door and dropped to the floor. I hugged my knees and began to sob uncontrollably. This past week had been a rollercoaster of emotions. Two of the greatest men I had known left my life. One I had no control over, and the other by choice. I only hoped that the choice I made was the right one.
Chapter 18
It had been seven weeks since Julian had walked out the door and not a day had gone by that I hadn’t stopped thinking about him and second-guessing my decision. I was beginning to doubt that cutting him out of my life completely was helping me get over him at all. I thought about him with everything I did. I saw his face in everyone I looked at and every place I went. I hated feeling like this. It was the same as mourning a death only worse because he was only a phone call away. I knew that he was in Germany now and I would have loved to have heard more than anything about how he was doing there.
I had been keeping myself busy with tying up my dad’s affairs. There was nothing I wished for more than to have my dad here for advice. I knew that he was the only one that would be able to help me put things into perspective right now. I still hadn’t gotten used to not having him here. It was the nighttime that was the worst for me. I felt so alone, I would toss and turn endlessly - missing my dad and missing Julian.
My only consolations were that Tricia was now back keeping me occupied and I would be returning to work next week. I was hoping that it would be a welcome distraction to help to take my mind off of everything.
I was on my way to the mall to meet Tricia for lunch and some retail therapy. Spending the day with her always lightened my mood. I could do the drive to the mall with my eyes closed, and I always found myself going there whenever I was feeling down. Over the years I had found that there was no better medicine than a new pair of shoes or a cute new top. It was going to take more than that today to snap me out of my melancholic state. I drove around the parking lot for what seemed like an eternity before finding a spot. I put on my blinker and waited when I saw a woman loading up her bags and two kids into the car. I pulled into the spot and looked at the clock before getting out. I was right on time.
I smiled happily seeing Tricia already seated at the table, waiting for me. She had a presence that made you beam no matter how you were feeling. It had been a long time since I had seen her with makeup. She looked even prettier than usual. I bent down and gave her a kiss before sitting down. The waitress came right over to take our drink orders. Since this was our usual lunch spot we already knew what we wanted from the menu and placed our orders immediately. I had only seen Tricia once very briefly since she had returned and I was dying to get caught up on all the latest Tricia and James news, but to my dismay there was nothing to tell. I looked at her, disappointed.
“Not even a kiss?” I asked. She shook her head no, but I could tell that she was lying. “You’re lying,” I said, laughing, which I hadn’t done in a while.
She could no longer hide it as she spilled her guts about the awkward first kiss she and James shared. We both began giggling like two school girls. I was so happy that I was starting to feel again. I knew that Tricia was the only person who could make me smile right now.
She told me that they planned to take things slowly. I knew that it was Tricia who wanted that. I could tell that James was head over heels for her just by the way he behaved when he was around her. He played a good game, acting like he lived this playboy lifestyle but he would probably propose to her tomorrow if that’s what he thought she wanted.
“So what’s going on with you?” She asked.
“Nothing much, just finishing up with the last of my dad’s things.”
She looked at me sympathetically. “Oh Kat, you’ve been handling all this so well, I don’t think I would have been able to have held it together like you have.”
I forced a smile. I was hardly holding it all together. I practically cried myself to sleep every single night and I had to force myself to eat most days. But to the outside I was putting on a strong front.
“So, no phone calls from Dr. Gorgeous?” she asked.
“No, he’s not going to call; I told him not to. If there’s one thing about Julian, he keeps his word,” I said sadly.
“Kat, why are you doing this to yourself? You are absolutely miserable without him.”
“I know,” I admitted.
“Can I ask you a personal question?” She asked with a smirk on her face. I nodded. “Is he as good at sex as he is as a doctor?”
I nodded. Just thinking about being with Julian gave me goosebumps. “Better,” I managed to get out.
We both began to laugh even though I was hurting on the inside. “Oh Kat, you foolish girl, you have to call him,” she said, sipping her iced tea.
“I just feel like I’ve connected with him on so many levels,” I said.
“I bet you have,” she giggled.
“Seriously it’s not just about sex, I see more to him than just this gorgeous intelligent guy. I can be myself around him, and I never felt that way around any man. I feel like I can talk to him about anything, the same way you and I talk.”
“Ahh Kat, you found your Prince Charming and told him to never call you again. What’s wrong with you?” she scolded.
“He doesn’t want kids, he made that clear. Maybe our relationship wouldn’t even get that far but on the off chance that it did, I know I want children someday,” I said sadly.
“Ugh – well at least call him, see if he’s as miserable as you. Maybe that will make you feel better,” she laughed.
“I’ve been thinking about it – I don’t know. Can we focus on something happier for now, like shopping?” I asked.
We finished our lunch and started our power shopping. I was exhausted by the time I got home. I checked the messages on the answering machine and was reminded of the doctor’s appointment that I had in the morning. I badly wanted to cancel it so I could just sleep in. I had to keep it if I planned on returning to work next week. I needed to go over my blood work to make sure that I didn’t bring back any communicable disease and also receive a series of shots. I was tired from all the shopping. I made myself a bowl of cereal and went to bed early.
I woke up early the next morning feeling unusually rested and relaxed. Julian was again my first thought as soon as I awoke. I just wished that I could get to a point where I didn’t think about him every single second of the day. Even when I would wake up in the middle of the night, he would be the first thing on my mind.
As I sat drinking my coffee, I began to think, what if I threw everything away with him for nothing? There was no guarantee that I would ever find Mr. Right and settle down and have children, just as he couldn’t guarantee me that he would ever want to have children. So should I have just taken my chances with the person I wanted to be with most in the world, in hopes that he would change his mind? I played it over in my head several times before grabbing my cell phone from my purse. I began scrolling down my contact list until I got to his name. I came close but couldn’t bring myself to hit the call button. When I looked at the clock I realized that I didn’t have time to call him even if I had wanted to. I had just enough time to get to my appointment. I threw my phone back into my purse hoping I would work up the nerve to call him after my appointment.
I hurriedly got myself together; I took one last sip of my coffee and headed out the door. Luckily there was no traffic on the highway, allowing me to pull into the parking lot exactly three minutes before my scheduled time. It was unusually warm for mid-February. I hoped that was a sign of an early spring. January and February were always depressing months for me. Christmas was over with nothing to look forward to except the dreary days of winter. This winter was even gloomier than usual. I began to wonder what the weather was like in Germany right now, then immediately tried to change my thoughts to something else.
I walked into Dr. Ember’s office and signed the clipboard. I looked around the waiting room. There was only one other person ahead of me, which gave me hope that I would be in and out in no time. I read through the latest Better Homes and Gardens magazine, looking at some of the latest recipes. I was thoroughly absorbed in a double chocolate fudge pie recipe, barely hearing the nurse call my name. She led me into Dr. Ember’s office. “He’ll be right in,” she said, closing the door behind her.
I sat looking around his office. He had beautiful landscape pictures of local beaches hanging on his wall. His bookcase was filled with medical journals, along with photos of his family. I began to wonder what Julian’s office had looked like. What type of pictures did he have around? I scolded myself for once again relating everything to him, making my urge to call him even stronger. I thought of what I would say to him. Should I just casually call him just to say hello and see how he was doing or did I tell him the truth - that I couldn’t stop thinking about him and was ready to give up everything to be with him? I got a knot in my stomach from overthinking it all. I decided that the right words would come to me once I heard his voice. I just wished that Dr. Ember would come in soon so I could get out of here before I chickened out.
I breathed a sigh of relief as I heard Dr. Ember’s voice just outside the door. He entered the office and greeted me with a hug. He had been my family’s doctor since I was eight -years-old and was almost as proud as my dad when I became a doctor. He was a short balding man with glasses who always had a way of making me feel comfortable in his presence.