Authors: Sarah Pinborough
‘Feed the trees well, little friend,’ Clara says. ‘Reach the sunlight.’
I look at her then. Her lips are pale with cold and her freckles bright against her white skin. It’s a beautiful, comforting thing she just said. A lifeboat on the ocean of dread. My heart squeezes and my stomach untangles. I know right there and then that I love her. Right down in the middle of me.
There’s no time to change before the gong goes so we arrive at tea dripping wet and muddy, marking out our separation from the rest. The nurses say nothing as I collect my plate of shepherd’s pie and peas. This isn’t
before
. What’s the point of them telling us to dry off or get warm? Why worry about a Defective catching the flu? Even though it’s clear from the way eyes follow us that the story of the bird has spread, I don’t look back at Clara as we head to our different tables. I don’t look at Jake’s table, either, although I hear their sniggers as I go by. I keep my eyes straight ahead.
‘So,’ I can see Will trying to make sense of it all as he speaks, ‘when did you find the bird?’
‘Clara found it.’ I push a forkful of food in my mouth and force myself to chew. It’s hot at least, warming me even though I’m not hungry at all. ‘She told me about it the other day. No big deal.’
‘When?’ Louis is equally curious. I can see them trying to put the timeline together. Figuring out when it could possibly have happened.
‘Can’t remember exactly. Maybe when I was sleeping one afternoon.’ It sounds like a good lie. Louis and Will learned early on not to nag me while I slept. They nod, but I don’t think they’re buying it. Not Louis, anyway. He’s too clever. His brain is like a computer.
‘Why you?’ Tom is sullen, head down over his food. When he looks at me, his dislike is obvious. I guess he’d half-expected to lose Clara to Jake. I’m a curveball in his disappointment. ‘Seems weird. You never speak to her.’
‘We speak sometimes.’ I shrug, trying to look casual. ‘Maybe I was just there.’
‘I think she fancies you,’ Will says suddenly, an impish grin on his small face. ‘I think you fancy her, too. Why would you keep it a secret otherwise?’ I glower at him over my fork, but that just makes his smile wider. He wriggles in his seat. ‘Have you snogged her? Is she your girlfriend?’
Tom stares at me, half-wanting the answer and half-not wanting to know.
‘Oh, fuck off,’ I mumble.
‘Must be,’ Louis says. ‘Jake’s flipping out. He’s kicked the God Squad off his table.’
I look across to the Dorm 7 group. He’s right. There’s only Jake, Albi and Daniel, talking and laughing together, Daniel sending snide glances back towards us. Towards me. Ashley, Harriet, Joe and a few of the others have moved and filled an empty table at the other end of the room near where Clara and Eleanor are.
‘What’s he going to do to us, Toby?’ Louis asks. ‘It’s been all right these past few days. All of us mucking around together.’ I can see he’s nervous and I know why. Jake won’t like that he showed weakness. He’s got his image to protect. It’s all he
does
have.
‘We’ll have to wait and see,’ I mutter. I feel bad for them. I don’t want them to get in trouble or be scared. Mainly I feel bad because
everyone
knows. I don’t want it to break anything. I don’t want it to break me and Clara.
‘We should get Clara and Eleanor to come and sit with us from now on.’ Will is matter-of-fact as he shoves bread and butter into his mouth. ‘Seems stupid to sit apart if she’s your girlfriend. She’s cool, anyway. So’s Eleanor. Isn’t she, Louis?’
Louis nods. ‘For a girl.’
‘Jake won’t like that,’ Tom says.
‘Jake already doesn’t like it, so what’s the difference?’
Sometimes I wonder if Will is smarter than he looks.
They took their lunch out to the slope that led down to the tennis courts and sat cross-legged on it. Technically, all lunch had to be eaten in the dining hall, but it was hot and stuffy in the heatwave and Toby’s sandwiches were soggy enough already. Not that he was particularly hungry. Jonesy had bought chips at break and they’d made rolls from them with the bread from
his mum’s sandwiches. He cracked open a Coke, swigged a load down and then let out a long belch.
Jonesy laughed. ‘Yeah, that’s going to get you into McKendrick’s knickers.’
‘Oh, fuck off.’ Toby grinned.
‘So what time’s this party we’re going to, then?’
‘Dunno. About eight, I think.’ He looked down through the ring pull to the fizzing liquid. He hadn’t told Jonesy he didn’t want him to come yet. It wasn’t that he didn’t want him there, but Julie hadn’t invited him, so it wasn’t like he could take him, was it? He told himself that to feel better, but deep down he was just worried that with Jonesy along he’d have no chance of fitting in. Or of getting any time alone with Julie. Together, they were just a pair of Year 11 twats, but on his own he had half a chance of at least pretending to be something else. Still, it made him feel a bit shit.
‘It’s going to be so cool. You can have Julie, I’ll have her mate.’ Jonesy lay back on the grass and grinned. ‘I’ve heard she blows anyone.’
‘Yeah, right, like she’s going to blow you. You’d have to drug her first and I’m not sure a blowjob’s going to work when she’s unconscious.’
They laughed again as Jonesy called him a dick. It was a good day, despite the bollocking he’d got for not doing his History essay. He didn’t want to spoil it. The sun was shining and tomorrow there was a very good chance he’d get to snog Julie McKendrick. Maybe do even more than that. The sun was bright and full of hope above him. He’d tell Jonesy tomorrow. By text or something. He’d say Julie’d told him he couldn’t bring anyone.
‘Maybe this is it, Tobes,’ Jonesy said. ‘Maybe this is when we finally get cool.’ He sounded so content it made Toby feel bad. Maybe he should take him. They were best friends, after all. If it all went tits-up with Julie – he took a moment to smile at his own play on words – then he was going to need Jonesy. Maybe he shouldn’t be so fucking shallow about it. But still, the thought of walking into that party with Jonesy grinning like some excited kid made him squirm with embarrassment.
The football came out of the blue, the sudden thump as it hit Jonesy jolting them out of their daydreams. To be more accurate, the ball hit Jonesy’s can, sending it spraying sticky-sweet lemonade all over Jonesy’s shirt and face.
‘What fucker did that?’ Jonesy was up on his feet in a moment, pissed off and scanning the field for Year 8s. ‘Who the fuck did that?’
Toby clambered to his feet as the spilled drink spread across the grass. He squinted into the sunlight at the group coming towards them. They were tall.
‘Who are you calling a fucker?’
Billy. It was Billy from Year 13. Of course it was. Toby’s heart sank as Jonesy visibly shrivelled.
‘Sorry, Bill, I didn’t realise—’
‘Don’t call me Bill. No one calls me Bill.’
‘Come on, Jonesy,’ Toby muttered, gathering up their stuff. ‘Let’s—’ But he didn’t finish the sentence. Let’s go, he’d been about to say. Let’s run the fuck away. But then he saw her. Julie McKendrick was there, part of Billy’s entourage. And she was watching him.
‘You spilled his drink, man. It went all over him. Let’s just call it quits.’ He didn’t know where the words came from. Jonesy stared at him in disbelief. Some of the sixth-formers were virtually adults. Not Billy. Billy might be big but he hadn’t done much growing up. He’d been mean as a kid and he was mean now he was nearly done with school. Billy
lived
for moments like this.
‘Who asked you?’
Toby looked at Billy and then glanced beyond him to Julie McKendrick. How badly could Billy hurt him? He didn’t want to know the answer to that. But neither could he face the shame of walking away like a coward in front of Julie. And on top of everything else, he was hot and bothered and Billy ought to be too old for this kind of shit.
‘I’m just saying don’t be an arsehole. Just take your ball and leave us alone.’
Billy laughed at that; a short, surprised bark that came from deep in his thick chest, and Jonesy was looking at Toby wide-eyed as if he was a stranger.
‘And who the fuck are you?’ Billy stepped in closer.
‘Why don’t we go back inside?’ Julie said. ‘It’s too hot out here anyway.’ She shuffled from foot to foot, awkward. It was clear she had no faith in Toby doing well against Billy. From inside his fear, Toby figured she had a point.
‘Look, I don’t see why—’ His breath was coming fast as Billy squared up ready to push him over, and then, like a miracle, a whistle blew.
‘Oi! You boys! Whatever you’re about to do, change your minds.’ Mr Mason, Head of
PE
, was striding towards them. ‘And get your lunch off the grass.’
Jonesy was already hurrying away. ‘Come on, Tobes. Let’s go.’
Toby held Billy’s gaze for a moment longer.
‘Fuck off, you little runt.’
Toby tried to keep his pace steady as he walked away but his legs were shaking. Julie smiled and winked at him as he passed her. His legs shook a bit harder after that.
I undo the ball of my bedpost and carefully pull out the scrunched-up wrap of toilet paper and add tonight’s pill to the collection inside. In the beginning, each one was a small victory, but now there are so many I can’t help thinking that my time will run out soon. Which of us will go next? I screw the tatty paper up again and stuff it back inside my bedpost. I’ve got more urgent things to think about than my impending death – which, if I’m honest, even in my most terrified moments is still abstract. We’re all stuck in our own Henry moment of
I think there’s been a mistake
,
me included. Until the sanatorium, anyway. Or until I feel a strange ache or pain and wonder if it’s just something normal or if it’s suddenly
my turn
, and I lie in the bath and run through my checks with my heart racing. Most of the time that terrifying nothingness is still something that’s going to happen to the others. Not to me. Never to me or Clara. We don’t belong here. We’re going to get away.
I find her in the playroom – neither of us is hungry tonight – and we kneel on the old sofa and stare out at the endless rain. The house feels vaster without Georgie in it. He’d become part of our routine and now he’s gone. Clara’s face is tight, fraught with worry. I’m not used to seeing her like that.
‘You and Eleanor can come and sit with us if you want. You know, in the dining room. Will suggested it. I think it’s a good idea.’ I sound upbeat and I feel it. For once, I’m the carefree one. Will was right. What’s the point of cowering and pretending nothing’s changed? Why waste our time ignoring each other just because of what other people want?
‘What about Jake?’ She bites her bottom lip.
‘He’s mad already. So what if he gets a bit madder?’ I grin at her. ‘Why should we care what he thinks anyway? He’s not your dad. These are
our
lives. Why should we be unhappy to make him happy?’
‘Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I led him on.’
‘Why would you say that?’ A sharp knife twists inside me. ‘You never kissed him or anything, did you?’ I still sometimes think about that date night in the playroom, even though I know it’s stupid.
‘Of course not. But I knew he liked me. I just thought he’d taken the hint.’
‘Then it’s not your fault. And he’ll get over it.’ I made a silent wish for a new van to arrive with a selection of hot girls for Jake to take his pick from. It would be easier for him to move on if there were some distractions. Tom, too.
‘It feels strange that people know, doesn’t it?’ she says softly. ‘Do you think it will change us?’
My heart drops then. ‘Why would it? Anyway, they don’t know the half of it, do they? They know about Georgie. They know we like each other. They don’t know about any of this.’ I look around at the gloom we do our best living in.
‘You might be different now. With people watching. You might be embarrassed about it. I know what boys are like.’
This is what she’s looking so stressed about? She’s worried how I’ll behave? I stare at her, dumbfounded, until eventually she turns to look at me, her mermaid hair trailing and twisting down her shoulders.
‘I love you, Clara.’ The words tingle right through me and the final dust of Julie McKendrick’s ghost is blown away in their vibration. She was never real, just a fantasy, a childish crush. ‘I’ll never love anyone like this. I never could. Not out there. Not
before
. Not ever, no matter what the future holds.’
‘You mean that?’ she whispers eventually.
I nod. I do mean it. I mean every word. Doesn’t stop me from feeling a bit of a twat for saying it out loud, though.
After a moment, she grins and wraps her arms around my neck. ‘Well, that’s all right, then. What can Jake really do about it, anyway?’
She doesn’t say anything about Jake scrawling ‘
SLUT
’ in felt-tip on the girls’ bathroom mirror upstairs, but Eleanor tells Will and Louis and of course they tell me. They spent an hour scrubbing it off before the nurses could see it. On the surface, in the three days that have passed since he found out, you wouldn’t think Jake gave a shit about me and Clara – he still swaggers around like he always has, laughing and joking with his dorm, and he doesn’t look over to our table at mealtimes or acknowledge us in any way – but the whole house crackles with the electricity of his anger. It’s because he feels stupid. We all know that. And stupid is the most dangerous way for someone like Jake to feel. I wonder if he’s lied to Daniel and Albi about him and Clara. I bet he made shit up about what he’d done with her, and now they know it isn’t true. Not that they’d say anything, but it’s there all the same.
It’s not so bad for me and Clara because we have each other, and most of our time is spent daydreaming together and planning our nights, but for the rest the new atmosphere in the house is horrible. A dividing line has been drawn and if you’re not on Jake’s side of it, then it’s not pleasant. Dorm 7 don’t let Tom in the music room any more, even though he’s been jamming with them in the evenings until now. The younger kids don’t go in the playroom so much, just in case they say or do the wrong thing if Jake’s in there, even though they’re nothing to do with our dorm war. Louis and Will make themselves a den in one of the empty dorms, but every time they leave it, it ends up trashed. The only people not affected are the God Squad, but no one really counts them any more. We don’t even pay attention to Ashley at bedtime. We talk around him as if he isn’t there and he’s given up trying to join in.
After lunch, Clara wants to play cards and so I’ve gone to look for some. I can hear the music, loud and off-beat, coming from the music room and I know it’s safe to go into the playroom. Me and Jake have become like magnetic opposites over the past three days. We veer in different directions from each other. I wish he’d just punch me and then this would be over. But he can’t – that would get Matron’s attention – and in this quiet war we’re waging, it’d break the unspoken rules.
Apparently everyone’s heard the band practising because small groups are dotted around the playroom, talking or reading or playing board games. Will and Louis are sitting in a corner, staring dolefully into a cardboard box.
‘What’s up?’ I say.
‘Nothing.’ Louis hurries to close the lid and Will leans forwards to block my view. He’s too slow, though, and I see the rough edge of a broken board.
‘Show me.’
‘It doesn’t matter, Toby, really it doesn’t.’ Will’s face, full of hurt, belies his words. I take the box and look inside. The chessboard has been broken. The pieces are smashed, and so is their collection of conkers. Pages of Will’s book are torn up.
‘I don’t like reading that much. Eleanor can tell me the rest of the story. And we’ll just make a new chessboard in the art room, won’t we, Louis? There’s cardboard in there.’
‘Yeah, and I was bored of conkers, anyway.’
I’m still staring into the box, something bubbling in the pit of my stomach. I can hear my breath coming fast.
‘Don’t do anything stupid, Toby.’ Will is nervous. ‘It’s not worth it.’
‘They’re in the music room, right?’ My face is on fire. I keep looking at that box. A chessboard, a book and some conkers. Stuff that was important to Louis and Will. They’d obviously hidden it all away hoping Jake and his wankers wouldn’t find it. What gave them the right to destroy this shit? What had Will or Louis done to provoke him to take away whatever pathetic stuff they’ve found to make their lives more bearable? Who the fuck were Dorm 7 anyway?
‘What are you going to do, Toby?’ Louis asks.
It comes to me in a flash. It’s stupid and childish and brilliant.
‘Come on,’ I say.
They glance at each other and shrug and then are on their feet.
Louis grins. ‘We going to get even?’
‘I don’t think we should—’ Will picks at his fingernails.
‘What, we should keep on letting them wreck your stuff?’
‘I don’t have any more stuff.’ He says it plaintively, and as he does the truth of what Dorm 7 have done sinks in. His small face hardens. ‘They broke my stuff.’
‘Then let’s go.’
I take them to our dorm where we get our water cups and fill them from the bathroom, right to the brim.
‘What are we doing?’ Will whispers. I don’t know why he’s whispering. No one’s around to hear us.
‘Wait and see.’ We hold the cups carefully and head towards Dorm 7. I can’t hear the music room from here and the house is still as I lead the way. My heart races. I feel good. I should have done this days ago.
‘Careful, dumbass.’ Louis giggles behind me. ‘You nearly spilled that all over me.’
‘Sorry,’ Will whispers. ‘I’ve got pins and needles in my leg. Must have sat on it funny.’
‘Quickly,’ I say, opening the door. The four beds are neatly made and the dorm is tidy, just how Matron likes it. We all lead double lives here. The one where we do all we can to be invisible to Matron and the one where we try to be ourselves. Ever since Henry, Jake’s stopped playing to the crowd in front of Matron.
I pull back Jake’s blankets and top sheet and pour the water right in the middle of the mattress. Will gasps.
‘Oh, shit.’ Louis is breathless.
‘Do theirs,’ I say. ‘Quickly. Then make the beds tidy again.’ I’m already stretching the top sheet down on Jake’s, folding the end nice and even over the blanket and tucking in one side, just like we’ve learned to do every morning. ‘They won’t know until they get into bed, and then what can they do? Complain?’ I know they won’t. They’ll have to live with the damp until the next laundry day. If the nurses think we’re fighting they’ll sedate us more heavily – or worse. Me and Clara might have to be careful tonight, though. I don’t know how strong the sleeping pills are. Maybe Dorm 7 will be restless.
‘Oh, man, they’re going to hate us,’ Louis says, but he’s laughing.
By the time we come back downstairs, we’re all feeling good, snickering and whispering and buzzing about what we’ve done. As we pass the music room, Will’s grin is so wide I think his face is going to split. ‘Dorm Four totally rule,’ he says. It feels like we’re back at school.
‘Just try and act normal,’ I say. ‘We don’t want them sussing anything’s up until bedtime.’
‘They’re going to freak.’ Louis is almost jumping up and down. I don’t think he’s ever done anything like this in his serious, studied life. I don’t imagine there were a lot of Jakes in Louis’
before
.
‘Yeah, they will. But let’s worry about that later.’
‘I’m not worried.’ Will’s chest is puffed up. ‘It will be worth it.’
I grin then, buoyed by their excitement. ‘Yeah, it will.’ Jake can bring it, for all I care. I no longer give a fuck. He shouldn’t have messed with Louis and Will’s things. End of.
Louis and Will head into the art room where Ashley and Harriet are making a fresh batch of posters only the converted few will read and enthusiastically start hunting for stuff to make their new chessboard. I go to the playroom to find some cards. When I get back upstairs, Clara has fallen asleep on her bed. I watch her for a while, surprised at how content I feel, and then go to my own dorm. I could use a nap, too. My bed is warm and dry. I can’t wait to tell Clara what we’ve done.
The Dorm 7 boys do sleep through the night, but when Clara and me, almost crying with laughter, look in from the doorway, they’re all curled up on top of their covers, arms hugging their knees to try and keep in whatever warmth they have. Daniel’s fat arse hangs half-out of his pyjama bottoms.
‘I’d like to find a flower and stick it between those fat cheeks,’ Clara whispers.
I almost feel sorry for the four of them, and then I remember the smashed chess pieces and Will’s face and the fact Jake called Clara a slut. Joe might be being punished for something he hasn’t done, but if we’d left his bed dry then Jake would only have taken it. This isn’t going to kill them anyway. Joe can turn to his god to keep him warm. We leave them there, cold and uncovered, and head off into our night.
They come into breakfast virtually growling, sending dagger glares our way. We pretend not to notice but Will and Louis giggle constantly.
‘What’s going on?’ Tom says, frowning.
‘Jake wrecked our stuff and we got even,’ Will pipes up before I can stop him. He’s bursting with pride. He and Louis are looking at me like I’m some sort of hero, all awe and admiration. The Jake of Dorm 4.
‘Nothing, really,’ Clara says. ‘Nothing with lasting damage, anyway.’
‘How come no one told me?’ Tom is disgruntled.
‘Spur-of-the-moment thing.’ I get up and head to the food station for some toast. Jake sees me and does the same. I can feel everyone watching. My nerves jangle but I’m ready for this. We’re destined to have a confrontation so we might as well get it out of the way. I’m still buzzing over what we did but I don’t feel invincible like Will and Louis. I also know there’ll be repercussions, and if anyone’s taking them, it needs to be me.
‘I suppose you think that was fucking funny,’ Jake says under his breath, standing close to me. I pick up two slices of white. They’re cold and a bit soggy but I don’t mind. Ashley is on the other side of me, scooping up some dry scrambled egg. He must be able to hear us, but he keeps his eyes on the food.
‘Yeah, I do.’ I smile at Jake, making sure I’m facing the rest of the room so everyone can see I’m unafraid. It’s not entirely true but the others don’t need to know that. Anyway, the nurses are here. He can’t touch me now. ‘Me and Clara didn’t do anything wrong. And whatever we did wasn’t Will and Louis’ fault. You need to get over it.’ A small part of me hopes he’ll listen to reason.
‘You need to shut your fucking mouth.’ His jaw is so tight I’m surprised he can even get the words out. ‘Playroom. After lunch. No marks on the face.’
So we’re going to fight after all. ‘I’ll check my schedule. I might have a date. You know, now that I have a girlfriend and everything.’ I wink at him and his fingers clench hard against his plate. I really shouldn’t wind him up any more. Even in a straight fight I’ve got no chance against Jake, and I have a feeling he won’t play straight.