Authors: Sarah Pinborough
‘This isn’t about her,’ he says. And I believe him. It isn’t any more. It’s about everything we’ve been repressing since we arrived here. It’s about all the anger and frustration and fear. For the first time in my life I think a fight might be good for me, even if I know I’m going to lose.
‘I’ll be there,’ I say casually as I head back to my table. ‘Wouldn’t miss it.’
Even the God Squad have been watching and Ashley’s eyes follow me all the way to my seat.
The morning passes slowly. I veer between overconfidence and wondering what the fuck I’ve done. It’s like I’m back on the grass walking away from Billy in Year 13 but this time no van is coming to steal me away before I get the shit kicked out of me. I spend most of the lesson time staring out of the window but the teachers don’t seem to care. They’re all in good moods for some reason. By ‘good moods’ I mean they manage a smile and look just as distracted as me. Tom slips me a note saying he’ll be my backup. It makes me feel better. Like maybe he’s forgiven me a bit for Clara, but I’m also guessing he doesn’t trust Jake, either.
I start to worry that Jake’s going to shank me or something but tell myself I’m overthinking. He’ll just give me a thorough kicking. Knock me down and then no doubt let Albi and fat Daniel get the boot in too, for revenge. I don’t come out the winner in any of the scenarios that run through my mind. The best I can see in my future is some broken ribs. The worst, being stabbed in the liver with broken glass or something and me bleeding to death on the playroom floor.
My biggest real fear is that I’ll cry. I have no idea how it feels to get beaten up. The physical fight I had was when I was twelve, and most of that was just shoving, flailing and slapping. Jake has been to reform school. He’s going to be a fucking expert in pain.
I think about the chessboard and the book and the conkers and wonder how such a collection of shit got me into this mess. I wonder if being kicked repeatedly in the gut – because I know I’m not going to stay on my feet for long – could activate my Defectiveness. That’s what makes the worms in my stomach wriggle the most. But there’s no backing out now. I wouldn’t be able to face Clara or Will or Louis again. Or even fucking Ashley, for that matter.
My palms sweat until lunchtime. I try to stay cool and casual but as the morning ticks away my nerves steadily increase until I feel sick. I’ve always been the joker in the pack. I’m not the kid who got the girls or started fights. Even in those last days when I thought my luck was finally turning with Julie McKendrick and the party, I ended up in Defective jail instead.
I decide that if I can at least land one punch on Jake somewhere then I won’t feel too bad. That and not crying. Not crying is imperative. I manage a relatively good impression of external calm through lunch, even though I only push my food around my plate rather than eating it. Throwing up would be nearly as bad as crying – although maybe I could throw up
in
Jake’s face. That would end the fight pretty quickly.
‘You don’t have to do it, you know,’ Clara whispers to me. ‘Fighting’s stupid.’ I can see she’s worried. Her eyes keep darting across to the Dorm 7 table where Jake is eating normally and Daniel keeps squirming around in his chair and sniggering at me. His eyes are alive with delight and I’m tempted to go over there and punch him in his fat head. Daniel isn’t Jake, and he never will be.
‘Sometimes it’s better to just walk away. Who gives a shit about Jake, anyway?’
I want to tell her that it’s not even about Jake. I’m suddenly understanding what
being
Jake must feel like. Having others expect things from you. This isn’t about Jake. It’s about Tom and Louis and Will. I can’t disappoint them. What would it do to Louis and Will if they lost their faith in me? Also, maybe Clara wouldn’t care if I backed down, but I’d always wonder. We haven’t done
it
yet, but if we do I’m going to be terrified enough of getting it all wrong without wondering if she’s thinking I’m a coward, too. And why would she want to run away with someone who can’t stand up for himself? Or her? Yeah, I feel sick, but I feel sicker at the thought of
not
fighting Jake.
It’s only as I leave the dining room that everything goes awry.
‘Toby? Louis?’
Matron’s waiting for us in the hallway. Clara and Eleanor have gone ahead and Will and Tom are still eating. We freeze at the shock of hearing her speak our names. Her face is bland and smooth, her sharp eyes watching us with absolutely no expression. How hard does someone have to practise to look so devoid of anything
real
? Me and Louis look at each other. I see my fear reflected in his pale face. Jake no longer exists.
‘My office, please.’ She opens the door and we shuffle inside, my heart in my throat. I have never been so terrified as in that moment of hearing her say my name aloud. Louis is glued to my side, cringing into me. His fingers brush mine and for an awful moment I think he’s going to hold my hand. As we cross the threshold I think that might not feel so bad. What does she want? Does she know about the nights? But if so, why is Louis here and not Clara?
The door clicks shut and I swallow hard. The light seems bright and there’s a throbbing in my ears. The nurse – the one who spoke to us – is waiting inside. She’s got a syringe out. I think of the sanatorium. Is that where we’re going?
‘Nothing to worry about,’ she says.
‘I’ll do the talking, Nurse.’ Matron’s voice is calm, empty, but the nurse drops her eyes anyway.
‘We need to redo your blood tests,’ Matron says. ‘Roll up your sleeves, please.’
I go into autopilot and do as I’m told, my fingers clumsy. My heart is racing.
Nothing to worry about.
That’s what the nurse said. Maybe they just didn’t read right? I scan through my memories of school but can’t remember anyone ever having to have a retest before. Maybe their equipment isn’t as sophisticated here. Louis sniffs beside me and I can see him shaking.
‘It’s fine,’ I say. ‘This happened to some kids in my school once.’ I grin at him, forcing myself to relax. ‘At least it’s us, not Will. Needles don’t bother us.’
He’s looking at me as if I have all the answers. He wants to believe my lie. I want to believe my lie too. ‘You want to go first?’ He nods and the nurse taps the inside of his pale forearm to try and find a vein.
Matron has sat down behind her large wooden desk, already working on some papers as if we don’t exist. It’s a strange room. Old-fashioned like the rest of the house, but more cluttered than I’m used to seeing now. There’s a sofa behind us and a small table with a kettle and some mugs, a sugar bowl and a jug of milk. A couple of bland landscape paintings hang against the wallpaper above a large old-style photocopying machine. There’s no computer or even telephone that I can see.
The desk, covered with stacks of paper, dominates the room, and the wall next to it has a pinboard with several rotas tacked on, but I can’t make out what they say from where I’m standing. Next to that is a small rack with various keys hanging from it. I can hear my breath and Matron’s scratching pen as I realise that this is the hub of the house. Everything important is kept in here.
‘Your arm,’ the nurse says softly, and my fear brings my attention back to the blood test, but part of my mind is racing to mine and Clara’s plan. I bet the schedule for the boat is on that wall. I flinch with the needle prick and watch my blood escape. A retest. The ball in my stomach flares until I feel light-headed and sick. My skin is clammy. Despite what I’ve said to Louis, I can’t help but think it means only one thing. Our time is running out.
If me and Clara are going to run away, we might have to do it soon.
We stand in the hallway afterwards and watch the nurse head to the lift with our samples. I presume she’s taking them to the top floor – the sanatorium. I don’t want to think about it. I want to think about the boat, not the blood tests. How I can get back into Matron’s study and find out when it’s coming again. How me and Clara can get the fuck off this crappy island.
‘I don’t think we should tell the others about this,’ I say quietly. ‘I mean, it’s just a retest and doesn’t mean anything, but you know what people are like. They didn’t see her call our names. No point in telling them.’
Louis nods. His face has darkened slightly with fear again. He knows exactly what I mean. He knows how we’ve looked at the kids who’ve got sick: curious, expectant, victorious. He doesn’t want to be looked at like that and neither do I. My heart is racing as if time is speeding up inside me. I breathe deeply. I want it to slow down. I’m not ready for this. I don’t think anyone is ever ready for this. I’m suddenly very afraid but also, weirdly, very angry. This isn’t fair. None of it.
Jake is waiting for me in the playroom.
I stride down the corridor and see a small, chattering group huddled outside the door.
‘He won’t let us in, Toby,’ Will says, bubbling with nervous excitement. ‘He’s in there with Albi.’ I’m surprised Jake doesn’t want an audience, but maybe he’s worried about what’s going to be said between the punches. He’s lost enough face over Clara – although I want to point out to him that making me fight him isn’t exactly going to give the others the impression that he doesn’t give a shit.
‘I’ll take Tom in then.’ Tom nods at me and there’s no arguments. Will and Louis aren’t backup material. Daniel leans against the wall further away from the door, scowling slightly, annoyed at being kicked out of the action. I feel a bit sorry for him. He needs to realise he’s never going to be cool and then maybe he’ll stop being such a little shit.
‘You okay?’ Clara grabs my hand.
‘I’m good.’ I’m burning inside. All my fear of what Jake might do to me evaporated in Matron’s study. ‘Just keep an eye on Daniel. Don’t let him pick on Will or Louis.’ She nods. After a second, she smiles and then leans up and kisses me. Her tongue slides into my mouth and everyone sees it. Will giggles, Louis does a poor attempt at a wolf whistle and Eleanor blushes.
‘Ugly slut,’ Daniel says.
‘Fat pig,’ Will counters. I laugh at that. It’s sudden and unexpected: Will is no longer a scared little kid. Daniel glowers, weighing up whether it’s worth trying to fight Will, but he’s outnumbered. And anyway, under all his bullying and snide remarks I’m sure he was more picked on
before
than any of us. He’s probably more used to running away than fighting back.
I’m ready. I want this done. I push the door open and go in. The chairs and tables have been shoved to the sides to clear a space in the centre of the room and Albi is perched on a stack of them in the corner by the window. He’s closed the curtains. Looks overcautious to me. I’ve never seen the nurses or teachers go out into the garden and the weather’s shit today.
Out of the corner of my eye I see Tom find a vantage point but my focus is on Jake, dominating the empty floor. His jaw is tight and his whole body is taut and tense, ready to go.
‘Remember, no marks on the fac—’
I don’t give him time to finish. I let all the rage and terror flaring up from my stomach rush to my fists and launch myself at him with a howl, pulling one arm back and punching him hard on the cheek. Fuck his no-marks-on-the-face rule. Fuck all the rules.
He reels backwards, one hand clutching at his bleeding mouth, his eyes wide with surprise. My knuckles throb. ‘What the fuck? I said no—’
I crouch and run towards him, barrelling into his torso and taking him to the ground. We fall hard and all the air bursts out of him in a gasp as he takes my weight. We roll around on the floor, trying to get the better of each other, and the room spins. Jake’s bigger and more powerful than me, but he doesn’t have my anger – not right now. My hand is under his chin pushing his head back as I grunt and growl like an animal.
I glimpse Tom and Albi now standing together, looking down at us, shocked. My scalp stings as Jake grabs a handful of my hair and I let go of his face and grab some of his. This fight is a mess. We’re too full of pent-up emotions to think.
‘What are you so fucking scared of?’ I hiss as we wrestle, all arms and legs and missed punches and wayward kicks. My jaw is clenched so tight I think my teeth might shatter. I land a soft punch into his stomach as he kicks me hard only an inch or so away from my balls.
‘Are you fucking mad?’ he says as he wriggles away from me. His lip isn’t cut too badly but it’s already swelling up and the exertion is making it bleed like a bastard all over his T-shirt, the floor and me as he spits his bloody words into my face.
‘What is your fucking problem?’ I snarl.
We’ve only been fighting for a couple of minutes but he’s breathing hard and so am I, sweat sticking my clothes to me. This isn’t like the movies. We’re knackered already.
We stare at each other while we let the air rip hot from our lungs. My arms tremble and ache. I’m slowly cooling down, my anger burned away. Once he’s got over his shock he’ll pummel me into the ground. And now that I’ve broken the rules, he won’t hold back. I’m tired and I don’t want to fight any more. I haul myself to my feet and Jake does the same.
‘I’m sorry about Clara and Georgie,’ I say. ‘I’m sorry you think we made you look like a dick. It wasn’t on purpose.’
‘You don’t know what I think.’ He’s smarting.
I shrug.
‘Whatever. You shouldn’t have taken it out on Will and Louis. That was a shitty thing to do. So I think what we did back was fair. Your sheets dried out. Their stuff is still wrecked. You win.’ I pause for a breath and lean against a table. ‘Why don’t we just call a truce? Before things get out of hand.’ My chest aches as I speak. Muscles all over my body are screaming at me. This fighting shit is hard.
He stares at me. Albi and Tom’s eyes move from me to Jake to me and then back to Jake again.
‘Maybe he’s got a point, man,’ Albi says quietly. ‘This could go crazy if it carries on.’
He doesn’t need to elaborate. The invisible threat of Matron hangs like a pall in the room.
‘Just stay out of my way,’ Jake says, eventually. I nod. My shoulders slump as the tension vanishes and I turn and walk away.