The Breaking Point (31 page)
God wins his greatest victories through apparent defeats.
A
NONYMOUS
“Sin is waiting to attack and destroy you.”
G
ENESIS 4:7
J
UNE
24, 1992
GABE HAD NEVER FELT SO LOST IN HIS LIFE.
He knew right from wrong. He knew what he should and shouldn’t do. He’d never had trouble following that line. Until Jennifer Jeremiah.
She was young and beautiful and more open than anyone Gabe had ever met.
He remembered the first time he saw her. He’d been called into her department to fix a faulty lamp. She talked with him as he worked, leaning her elbows on her desk, smiling with open ease.
Women had flirted with Gabe before. He was well acquainted with their subtle signals of interest, the unspoken invitation to forbidden territory. He’d never had any trouble turning away from them. Sure, he and Renee had problems, but he still knew what he had with her was something special. Something he never wanted to betray.
But what he felt from Jennifer wasn’t flirtation. Instead, it had been like finding an old friend he hadn’t even known he had. They seemed to speak the same language. She not only heard him, but understood him. And respected what he had to say.
They’d talked that first day until a call came in on her phone, and Gabe was startled when he realized how long he’d been there. He made a hasty retreat, returning her easy wave, slightly embarrassed by how time seemed to stall while they were together.
He had run into her several times since then. Her smile was always welcoming, and before long their conversations shifted from weather and “how ya doin’?” to issues as broad as politics, religion—and finally relationships.
Gabe shared things with Jennifer that he’d never shared with anyone before. Things about Renee and their struggles. About the guilt that ate away at him, the regret that he was so far away from the man Renee needed and wanted.
He told her how he’d become whatever he needed to in order to win Renee. How he’d played the role to perfection…until after the wedding. Then he let his real self come out. The self that still couldn’t seem to get past the anger, the sense that he just wasn’t good enough for Renee. For anyone.
Jennifer listened without condemning him or Renee. That was amazing, to find someone who accepted the bad with the good, never passing judgment. She had an uncanny ability to see to the heart of an issue and ask seemingly innocent questions that stopped Gabe cold, turning on the sudden light of realization.
As crazy as it seemed, without ever meeting Renee, Jennifer became a friend to them both. She helped Gabe understand Renee’s side, gave him insights on the way his wife’s mind and heart worked. She didn’t offer advice unless
he specifically asked for it. Even then, she was careful with her words, her counsel.
Gabe had made a point a long time ago of not touching women at work, not even as friends. He didn’t hug, didn’t put a hand on their arms, didn’t do anything that could be misconstrued. Thankfully, Jennifer had been as circumspect as he.
Gabe looked forward to their times together. More than that, he found himself protecting those times with a fierce determination.
He had considered telling Renee about Jennifer—several times, in fact. But something always held him back. Which wasn’t a problem. There was nothing between him and Jennifer that could or should bother Renee. Besides, she’d probably just misunderstand and they’d end up in just one more pointless argument.
If she knew about her, she’d probably ask you to stop spending time with Jennifer.
Gabe shoved the thought back into the recesses from which it had sprung. All the more reason not to tell Renee. No point in putting her through that kind of emotional turmoil when there really was nothing to worry about.
Or so Gabe told himself—and kept telling himself. So he’d been telling himself all the way in to work that morning. For some reason, he’d been feeling … strange. Apprehensive.
Like he used to feel each night just before his dad came home.
Snap out of it, Roman.
He tossed his lunch box on his worktable.
You’re not doing anything wrong. She’s a friend. That’s it Period. No reason for guilt here.
Too bad his inner assertions lacked any real conviction. He knew why, too. Lately, things had changed.
It’s no big deal.
He shoved his way through the doors of the building. So Jennifer had let her hand rest on his arm once a few days ago. So what?
It happened more than once, and you know it.
Okay, twice maybe. Three or four times, tops. And so what that he’d let himself take her hand to help her out of her chair.
She didn’t exactly need any help. And you didn’t exactly let go right away.
Big deal!
Gabe smacked the door to his office and stalked in.
If that’s all the evidence you have—
He halted. A white envelope sat on top of his worktable. He picked it up. The writing was feminine, but it wasn’t Renee’s.
His pulse pounded an erratic beat in his veins as he opened the envelope and pulled out one white piece of paper.
The first thing he saw was Jennifer’s signature at the bottom, and a wave of pleasure washed over him. He hadn’t received a card or note from anyone in a long time. Renee used to send him cards when they were dating, and in the first few years of their marriage she often slipped little love notes into his lunch, his coat pockets. But that had stopped long ago.
Which probably explained why he was suddenly feeling really, really good. After all these years of seeing nothing but disappointment on Renee’s face, after all the years of battles and being pushed aside … ignored …
He thought he’d grown invisible. Just like when he was a kid. Not worth seeing or noticing.
Now, here was this note, saying he wasn’t invisible at all. He mattered to someone. Someone really nice.
He eased into his chair and started to read. The pounding in his veins quickened, grew louder, until he felt as if he had a sledgehammer inside his chest, his head. He looked away, trying to swallow with a throat suddenly gone dry. Then he read the words again. But he didn’t think they made any more sense the second time around.
Gabe,
I wanted to talk to you in person, but I couldn’t. I knew if I looked at you, saw the hurt in your eyes, I’d never be able to do what I need to do. Your friendship has meant so much to me.
Too much. That’s the problem.
Gabe, I believe God brought us together to help each other. But I always knew there was an element of danger in our friendship, because I like you so much. Lately I’ve found myself thinking of you a lot more than I should. And I’ve found myself wishing…well, that things were different.
I think you knew something was changing in me, in the way I was treating you. I could see it in your eyes when I touched you. I saw something else, too. I saw the same longing I felt. That’s when I knew I had to step away.
Please know this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I care about you, a great deal. But I know God isn’t pleased with the way I’ve let that care grow, the direction it’s taken. So I need to ask your forgiveness. And I need to tell you I can’t see you anymore. I won’t become a barrier to you and your wife. That isn’t fair to any of us. And it isn’t right.
I know this probably won’t help much, but I will be praying for you. And for Renee. I hope you guys can work things out. God may have made you and me friends for a time—and I’ll always cherish the time we shared—but He’s made you and Renee husband and wife forever.
I love you.
Jennifer
His fingers closed around the paper, as though protecting it from the thoughts coursing through him. God had made
him and Renee husband and wife? Technically, it was true. But was he really married? Did he
have
a wife?
Bitterness stole the breath from his lungs, squeezing his chest until he almost cried out. A wife? Renee hadn’t been a wife to him for years. When was the last time she’d looked at him with even an ounce of the affection and respect he saw every day in Jennifer? And when was the last time Renee had let him touch her, let him show her any physical affection without either grimacing or flinching?
Oh, sure, there was a short time a few months ago when things were better. Renee had actually opened up to him again. He’d been so sure things would be better. But it hadn’t taken long for them to end up in the same old place again.
Angry Cold. Distant.
Gabe crushed the note in his fist. Jennifer cared about him. And she’d wanted to care more. That knowledge ate away at his gut, feeding the anger raging inside. Because he
wanted
her to care. He wanted to feel special, respected … the center of someone’s world. Wanted to be what he used to be to Renee.
You mean what you told her you didn’t want to be any longer, what you couldn’t stand?
Gabe shoved the note into his pants pocket then pushed out of his chair. He grabbed his work belt and a handful of work orders and left the room before he threw something. Didn’t he have the right to be happy, too? To be himself with someone? Renee wasn’t interested in being that someone. She’d made that abundantly clear for a lot of years. She didn’t need him. Didn’t even seem to like him.
All good things came from the hand of God, right? Surely God knew how empty Gabe’s life had become … how far Renee was from what a real wife should be … how far their relationship was from what a real marriage should be. And God was merciful and loving, right? So who was to say He hadn’t brought Jennifer into Gabe’s life at just the right
moment, just when he was finally ready to open the floodgates he’d kept closed for far too long?
He should just march up to Jennifer’s office, pull her out of her chair, and tell her it was over with Renee. He was ready to start again, with someone who really saw him and cared about him!
Gabe caught his reflection in an office window as he passed, and what he saw in his own gaze startled him. Anger. Resolution. Abandon …
It was the reflection of a man about to go over the edge.
His stride broke and he put a hand on the wall, steadying himself. God,
please …
The angry thoughts that had been coursing through him had faded to a faint echo, and he tried to close his mind against them entirely. Had he gone completely nuts? What was he
thinking?
Leave Renee?
He might as well rip his heart out and leave it lying on the floor.
Jennifer had been right to walk away from him. Right to remind him that he was a married man.
Happily
notwithstanding, he was married.
And faithful notwithstanding, he still loved his wife.
Lord, I came so close …
More shaken than he could ever remember being, he turned and made his way back to the boiler room. He wrote his boss a quick note, saying he was going home, he was sick.
And so he was, he thought as he left the building and walked to his car. Sick to the core of his faithless, foolish soul.
/When one has smashed everything around oneself,
one has also smashed oneself.
M
ARIE D’
A
GOULT
Let there he tears for the wrong things you have done.
Let there he sorrow and deep grief.
J
AMES
4:9
J
UNE
26, 1992
THERE WAS SOMETHING SOOTHING ABOUT THE DARKNESS.
A stillness, an enveloping silence that formed a protective barrier between Renee and the world. It was as if everything and everyone else were gone, and all that existed was this room, the slowly dying fire, the dancing light of the flames on the walls, the ceiling.
If only she could stay here, cocooned in the night, protected, sheltered.
She pulled the blanket tighter about herself, rubbing her cheek against its softness, drawing in the fragrance of wood smoke and the out-of-doors. The fragrance of childhood.