The Breaking Point (30 page)

Renee stiffened at that, but Grace knew she couldn’t stop now. “It’s a mistake to think marriage is about happiness.” Renee leaned forward, and Grace held up a hand to stall the
protest quivering on the younger woman’s lips. “Just a minute, let me finish.”

With obvious reluctance, Renee settled back in her chair.

Guide my words, Father.
“I’m not saying we won’t find some happiness in marriage, not at all. It’s definitely a byproduct of a marriage grounded in God. But the goal of marriage, that has a lot more to do with obedience than happiness.”

“Obedience?” Renee’s tone was as pinched as her features. “How so?”

“The Bible makes it clear that a couple’s relationship in marriage is meant to be a reflection of God’s relationship to His bride, the church. All our instructions as husbands and wives are compared to Christ’s relationship with the church. The Bible even goes so far as to say that if a husband doesn’t treat his wife as he should—as Christ treated the church, being willing to give His life for her—then that husband’s prayers won’t be answered.”

Renee lifted a brow at that, and Grace let herself smile. “I thought you’d like that part. But there are just as many warnings to wives as to husbands. More, in fact. Warnings that we are to submit to our husbands as we do to the Lord. Because he is God’s representative in our households.”

Apparently that was too much. Renee came out of her chair, and Grace leaned back, watching her friend pace, knowing the struggle that fueled her furious steps about the room.

“That’s ridiculous, Grace. You’re telling me I’m supposed to treat Gabe like … like I would treat
Christ?”

“No, I’m not saying that at all.”

Renee fixed her with a glare. “Then what …?”

“The Bible says it.” Grace lay her hands along the arms of her chair. “I know it’s not easy to take—”

“Now there’s an understatement.”

Grace ignored the muttered comment. “And I’m not even
saying Gabe deserves to be treated that way.”

That stopped Renee’s pacing. She leveled a look at Grace. “That’s good, because he’s
nothing
like Christ.”

“No, but then neither are you.” Grace knew she was going out on a limb with her quiet response, but she also knew if she was really going to love Renee, to be a true friend, she had to speak the truth to her.

Renee’s face flushed, and Grace wondered if she would walk out. But after a moment, the tightness around Renee’s mouth eased, and she came to slump on the couch.

Grace let the silence continue, wanting to give Renee the time she needed to work through the emotions churning inside her. Finally Renee turned to her. “No—” she chewed the side of her mouth as she spoke—“no, I’m not.”

Grace leaned forward to lay a hand on her friend’s arm. “And neither am I. None of us is. Don’t you see? None of us deserves to be treated the way we want to be treated. We’re all broken and struggling and muddling through. That’s why we need to focus on the only One who truly deserves our kindness, our service, our love.”

Renee stared at her hands. “Christ.”

“Christ,” Grace echoed. “Don’t you see? When we marry, it’s foolish to think our spouse is going to meet our needs. That’s God’s job, and His alone. What God calls us to in marriage is to serve our spouse.”

Grace’s heart sank when Renee shook her head.

“It’s not that hard, Renee. All we need to do is let Christ live in us, in our thoughts and actions. It’s the old ‘What would Jesus do?’ way of looking at things. We let
Him
love our spouse through us.”

“I’ve tried that!” Renee took hold of her coffee mug and lifted it to her lips, her actions abrupt, jerky “I’ve tried to ‘die to self—”’ she emphasized each word, her sarcasm painfully evident—“over and over. For all the good it’s done me.” She took a sip of the coffee, though Grace knew it had to be cold.

Cold like her heart, Lord.
She felt the sinking ache of despair.
I’m not getting through. “Take a different tack, Gracie.”

Oren told her that often. How well he knew her tendency to keep hitting at something over and over, regardless of the effect. She nodded.
Thank you, dear.

She took hold of her teacup, lifted it to her lips, and took a sip of the now-tepid liquid. She cradled the delicate china in her hands. So beautifully formed, so fragile.

Like our spirits if we don’t keep them grounded in truth.

Of course. To communicate truth, go to the source.

“Renee, remember in Bible study when we talked about Israel wanting a king to follow rather than God?”

Renee pulled back, and Grace could almost see how her friend’s mind scrambled to follow the shift in conversation.

“I … think so.”

“Israel wanted to be like the other nations; God wanted them to trust only in Him. But He let them have what they thought they wanted. They looked to man—first a king, then to other countries, Egypt and Assyria—to uphold them. To be their allies.”

Renee nodded. “Right. And all they got was disappointment and pain. Because no one could give them what they were looking for but God.”

“So who are your allies?”

A frown brought the younger woman’s brows together. “My allies?”

“Whom do you trust? What tells you how things should be?”

“Well … God, of course.”

Grace didn’t take her gaze from Renee’s. “I know you mean that. I’ve seen how you long to follow Him and do what’s right. But Renee, is God really the One you turn to when you’re angry? Or do you turn to your dreams? Your expectations?”

Renee shifted. “Doesn’t everyone? Don’t we all come into relationships with those things?”

“Of course we do. That’s normal, because we’re human.”
Let her hear me, Lord … let her understand.
“But we’re not called to stay with what’s normal, Renee. We’re called to godly living, and that’s about as not-normal as it gets.”

Renee’s misery was evident in the droop of her mouth. “I don’t understand …”

For a moment frustration filled Grace, not with Renee, but with herself, with her inability to say what was on her heart in a way her friend could understand.

Give me the words, Lord …

“You’ve told me about your childhood, how wonderful it was, how amazing your parents are.”

A smile eased the tension in Renee’s features. “They’re the best.”

“You’ve told me many times you consider them a gift.”

“Yes.”

“What if your childhood was God’s way of preparing you for your marriage? What if He gave it to you not just for you, but for Gabe as well?”

Renee stilled. “You mean …”

“What if those precious years growing up weren’t about then, or even about you finding that kind of life when you were an adult? What if they were about now? About grounding you? Getting your roots down deep in the soil of what’s true because God knew you’d have to stand in the face of the world’s lies.”

Renee pushed at her coffee mug with a finger. “They’re not just in the world, Grace. I’ve had Christians tell me they can’t believe God wants me to be this unhappy.”

“And?”

“What they were saying never rang true. Not in the face of the cross, or the call to follow Him. And the Bible is pretty clear. Following Christ means joining the fellowship of suffering, not the happy hour.”

Her quiet words lifted Grace’s heart. There was so much wisdom in Renee, if she could only see it. Hold on to it. “Why haven’t you left Gabe?”

“Because God hasn’t released me from my commitment.”

“So you’re hanging in there, suffering for the cause?” Grace had figured her words would irritate Renee, and the flash in her friend’s eyes told her she was right.

“Now you sound like Gabe, telling me I’m getting my jollies out of being some kind of martyr. But that’s not true.”

Grace studied Renee for a moment, taking in the stiff set of her shoulders, the glower hardening her features. “I think it’s time for you to give up.”

If she’d wanted to stun her young friend, she’d succeeded.

“You what?”

“There’s something keeping you from finding that joy you talked about. Something that’s holding you down, burying you under sorrow and pain, resentment and anger. You talk about Gabe’s anger all the time, but I wonder if you see your own. You need to do so … and to give it up.”

Renee blinked at her. “Easier said than done, Grace.”

“I know. But dear one, don’t you see?” She leaned forward. “You’ve spent all this time waiting for Gabe to change, and he hasn’t. Maybe it’s time to stop focusing on him and look to yourself instead. That doesn’t mean Gabe isn’t wrong; it just means he isn’t yours to change.”

Tears trailed down Renee’s face now, and Grace wanted to go to her, to take her in her arms and comfort her as she would a child. But she couldn’t. Not yet.

She held her hands in front of her and curled her fingers into a fist. “You’ve got a death grip on how you think things should be between you. You’ve held on to your hopes and dreams until they’ve become a club to Gabe and a prison to you. If you’ll only stop clutching them—” her fingers relaxed, unfolded—“you can receive the real wonders God has for
you. The joy He seeks to bring both you and Gabe.”

Renee stared at Grace’s open hands. “Unless a seed falls into the ground and dies …”

The whispered words resonated with an understanding borne of pain, and Grace lowered her hands to lay them on Renee’s clasped fingers. “Yes. Stop looking to others to fill our needs and seek instead to serve them. And do you know what? When we do that, Christ gives us so much more than we ever imagined.”

“But what if nothing changes?” Renee’s ragged whisper was heavy tortured. “What if Gabe is still Gabe, and I’m still miserable?”

Grace wished she had an answer, but she didn’t. Renee wasn’t the only one in the marriage; Gabe could always refuse God’s call and stay closed to Him, to Renee. She sighed.

“Gabe is in God’s hands, Renee.”

When her friend started to protest, Grace held up her hand, giving her a soft smile to let her know she wasn’t being flip or unkind. “There’s only one person here that you can change, and that’s you. It’s God’s job to reach Gabe’s heart and change him, not yours.”

“You make it sound so easy.”

“It’s never easy.”
It’s not, Lord. You and I both know it’s the hardest thing anyone can ever do.
“But it’s right. Let God be God, and Renee be Renee.” She lifted her teacup for another sip. “It works much better that way.”

Renee sat in her car, hands on the steering wheel, staring at nothing.

“Let God be God, and Renee be Renee.”

The truth in those simple words resonated through her. I
want to. Lord … I want to.

She knew so much of what Grace had said to her today was right. Especially what she’d said about Renee’s childhood,
about her parents’ marriage—and about her expectations. Renee
had
been holding up her parents and their relationship as a picture of what she and Gabe should be.

But that wasn’t fair. She and Gabe weren’t her mother and father. They were very different people. Their relationship couldn’t possibly be the same. Shouldn’t be.

She forced herself to release the stranglehold her fingers had on the steering wheel, then stared at her fingers.
If only I could do that with Gabe, with my marriage—release the stranglehold I’ve had on all of it. But how?

“Give up.”
Grace’s words had plowed into her, shaking her more than she cared to admit. When Grace had explained what she meant, it had only made it worse.
Give up my hopes. My dreams. I thought I had. Long ago.

Apparently not.

“Show me what I’m holding back, Lord. And show me how to let go. I can’t do it without Your help.” Her voice was soft and pleading in the stillness of the car. “But if I do that, Gabe had better make some changes, too—”

“Let God be God, and Renee be Renee.”

She bit off the argument rising within her. Let God be God. In other words, get out of His way. With a slow nod, she pulled the keys from the ignition.

“Okay.” She glanced out the side window, only vaguely aware of the flowering bush beside the car, of the bright blossoms dancing in the breeze. “I’ll try to do my part, and trust that You’ll do yours.”

All she had to do was figure out exactly what her part was.