The Breaking Point (20 page)

Shame caught at Gabe. How could he admit this after what had just happened? But he wanted to be honest. “I’m not sure I know how to pray That I know the right things to say or even the way to say them.”

Asa’s words reflected the peace in his features. “Dear boy, there is no right or wrong way to pray. Prayer is simplicity itself. Just do with God what you do with me. Share your heart. Talk with Him about Renee, about your relationship. Your possible future together. Just talk to Him. That’s all He asks.” His eyes shone with a certainty Gabe longed to feel. “He will hear. And He will answer.”

Gabe went home and did as Asa suggested. For a week. But no answer had come.

Until tonight.

He’d been in his apartment, talking to God, asking Him for what felt like the thousandth time what to do, when suddenly he couldn’t take it any longer. He jumped up and headed for Renee’s dorm. Enough of this endless waiting. He was going to tell her everything. Just lay it all out and see what happened.

But when he reached her room, she wasn’t there. Deflated, he made his way down the back steps and out the door, to the grove of trees behind the dorm, led by an almost blind instinct.

Renee loved this spot. It was like a miniature forest right in her backyard. They’d come here on their first date. To talk. To look up at the skies and seek out the constellations. Gabe walked to the table where they usually sat, the table they’d been perched on when he first reached for her hand, where
he felt her hesitant response the first time he drew her close and bent his lips to hers.

He stepped on the bench, then lowered himself to the tabletop. He tipped his head back, lifting his face to the heavens, staring at the stars as they winked down at him through the treetops.

“God … please, I don’t know what to do.”

As sudden as his next heartbeat, God answered. The words were there, and though they weren’t spoken aloud, they rang through him as clear as anything he’d ever heard.

Follow Me.

For a moment all went still. Every sound, every sight, every sensation faded and melted into that one, resounding call echoing through him.

Follow
Me.

Gabe wanted to. Desperately. But how?
Think, Gabe, think …

Follow God. Okay, so God was love. Wasn’t that what Asa had been saying, over and over? Did that mean Gabe should hold to the love he felt for Renee, that he should move forward and marry her?

Certainty was swift and confirming, but before he could rejoice in it, the silent voice was there again.

Take up your cross … and follow Me.

For a moment Gabe felt something he had never felt before: pure, unadulterated joy. As though some heavenly hand had reached down and touched him, caressing his face with a tenderness that nearly broke his heart. But the feeling had barely arrived when it was shoved aside by a sudden flash of gloomy uncertainty.

Pick up your cross? What does
that
mean? What cross?

The answer crawled through him, bringing resistance shuddering on its heels: Your relationship with Renee.

Gabe frowned. That didn’t make any sense. Renee was a blessing, a light in a life too full of darkness and pain.

Yet even as he made the assertion, images swarmed his mind like a cloud of gnats: the two of them caught in an argument; the pained, frightened look in her eyes when he lost himself in anger; his fist slamming into the wall after a night of senseless conflicts …

That same, dark voice slithered through his mind again: Would it be like that if you two were meant to be together?

Gabe felt as though the blood in his veins had turned to ice water. The answer was glaring at him, but he turned from it. No … please …

Could it be true? Was his relationship with Renee a cross? A burden weighing him down, coming between him and God?

He slid from the table and paced, even more restless now than he’d been that night in his room. How could it be happening? How could God ask this of him? Why bring the two of them together in the first place if He was just going to make Gabe walk away?

Are you so sure God brought you together?

That was too much. “Of course I am!” He spat the words into the stillness of the night. “As sure as I’ve ever been of anything in my life!”

As sure as you were that God wanted you to go into the ministry?

The barbed question stopped him cold, and he felt the blood drain from his face—and the hope drain from his heart.

His feet suddenly leaden, he made his way back to the picnic table, dropping onto the bench. With a groan, he lowered his head into his hands, rubbing his aching temples with his thumbs. This couldn’t be happening …

But it was.

Well, what had he expected? He’d come here looking for answers, begging God to turn on the light of his understanding. Had he thought God would let an opportunity like that just flit on by? No way. Gabe had opened himself for the blow, and God had delivered.

All that was left to him now was to choose whether or not he’d obey.

Glancing up at the window of Renee’s room, he saw a dim light shining through the curtain. Usually that sight brought him a surge of joy. Tonight all he felt was dread.

His hands trembling, he reached into his pocket and drew out a cigarette. Renee had been after him to quit, and he’d been trying. But now …

What did it matter now?

He flicked the lighter, started to touch the flame to the end of the cigarette, then stopped. With a muttered oath, he snapped the cigarette in half and stuffed the lighter back into his pocket. He’d promised Renee he’d stop. Regardless of what happened with them, a promise was a promise.

He’d just have to find his comfort somewhere else. That’s what he needed right now—comfort in the midst of madness.

Because that’s what God had brought him. Madness.

He tipped his head back and let a slow breath out, watching as the wisp of steam rose into the silent night, poking … pointing…accusing …

You ask too much.

Gabe didn’t voice the words, but they were there nonetheless. He stared at the stars, then glanced back at the light in Renee’s window. His lips pressed tight, he stood and started walking.

He went into the dorm, up the stairs, not even caring if anyone saw him coming in after visiting hours. What could they do to him that could compare to what he was about to do to himself?

His steps faltered when he reached the hallway but he drew a deep breath and pushed himself forward. The sound of his knock echoed around him, like a death knell mocking the condemned.

The door opened, and she was there.

“Gabe!”

He hesitated. Her tone, her features … they were an odd mixture of relief and dread. But before he could question her, she reached out and pulled him into the room, closing the door and wrapping her arms around him, burying her face in his chest.

“I’m so glad you’re here.”

Her embrace was an exquisite agony, and he forced himself to take hold of her arms and, with gentle pressure, push her away. She looked up at him, a question in her expression, and he swallowed. Hard.

“I need to talk with you—”

They spoke the words in unison and broke off together as well. For one wonderful moment they laughed, and everything was as it should be. He loved her. Man, how he loved her …

But that didn’t matter.

She linked her arm in his and ushered him to a chair, then went to sit at her desk, watching him with wide, expectant eyes.

His mouth went dry. He couldn’t have uttered a single word to save his life. He looked down, shaking his head. “Gabe? Honey? Are you okay?”

He said the first thing that came to mind. “I need a drink.”

Clearly, it wasn’t what she’d been expecting. He cleared his throat. “Of water. A drink of water. My throat’s dry.”

“Oh! Of course.” She jumped up and went to pull a small pitcher of water from her mini-fridge. When she handed him a full glass, she sat back down. “You need to talk to me?”

He shook his head, pointing at the glass. “That’s okay. You first.”

It was a cowardly thing to do, and he knew it. He just didn’t care. He sipped the water, waiting, but apparently she was having as hard a time as he was. What could she need to talk about?

His head came up with a jerk and he studied her face, acutely aware that she wouldn’t look at him, was staring at the floor. Had she been that pale when he arrived? And why were her hands trembling?

Understanding came in a heated rush: She’s going to break up with me. Anger pierced him, and for a moment he wanted to grab her, to shake her. Then he remembered why he was there, what he’d come to say, and a wild surge of relief washed over him. He closed his eyes.

You did this, didn’t You, God? This is from You. And that can only mean one thing: It’s right. Renee and I don’t belong together.
Though the thought still hurt, he let it come, let it fill his mind. God was making it so clear that Gabe knew he needed to pay attention, to accept it.

He had to walk away.

But it’s better this way. Better to let her be the one to say it.
He leaned forward in the chair, resting his elbows on his knees. “Rennie—” he let his love for her, the aching tenderness she stirred in him, show in his tone—“it’s okay. Whatever you have to say, just say it.”

She stood so abruptly she almost overturned her chair and began to pace, her small hands clenching and unclenching.

Gabe rose and went to her, taking her hands in his, drawing her back to sit down. Then he knelt in front of her, rubbing the backs of her hands with his thumbs. He didn’t speak, didn’t try to rush her. Just knelt there, letting her know he was ready.

He almost lost it, though, when tears trickled down her face. Her eyes met his, and her sorrow struck deep into his heart.
Let her just say it, God. Let her set us both free.
“Sweetheart, please … it’s oka—”

“I’m pregnant.”

Gabe felt the air gush from his lungs. He opened his mouth, then closed it. Stared. Blinked once … twice. All the
while, her words whirled around in his brain but wouldn’t take root:
I’m pregnant … I’m pregnant …

What
? He scanned her face, looking for something that made sense of what had just happened.
She couldn’t have said what I thought she just said. She can’t be pregnant!

Her tears flowed in earnest now, and without really knowing what He was doing, he slid his arms around her and folded her close, offering a comfort he was far from feeling.

My God …

Pregnant. She was pregnant. He didn’t need to ask if it was his child. There was no doubt in his mind that he was the first—and only—man Renee had been with.

“Gabe?”

Her timid voice caught at him, ripped at his heart. She sounded so terrified. “It’s okay. We’ll work this out … we’ll be okay …” He murmured the words over and over, amazed his voice was so steady, so calm, when all he heard in his head was screaming.

My God …

“I’m … I’m so sorry!”

He responded without thinking, without feeling, hoping his words didn’t sound as empty as he felt. “It’s okay, Renee. It’s not your fault. We’ll deal with this together.” He kissed her forehead, her eyes. Pressed a gentle kiss to her lips.

He was playing the part of a caring lover to perfection. He should be proud.

My God …

He wasn’t sure how long they sat like that, holding each other. All he knew was he was relieved when she set him free. “It’s late. You should go.”

He nodded and stood, still uttering the same meaningless phrases of comfort as she walked him to the door. He paused, hand on the doorknob. So close. So close to freedom …“Get some sleep, Renee. We’ll talk more tomorrow.” He couldn’t help it—his gaze traveled to her abdomen …to her baby.

Their baby.

My baby …

Emotion choked him, and he blinked back an unfamiliar heat behind his eyes. Tears. He was about to cry? He couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried. “You need your rest. For the baby.”

She threw her arms around him, her hug fierce. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

He walked from the room. Down the stairs. Out into the night. When the cold air hit his face, he stopped and stared up at the stars dancing in the blackness. One thought played over and over in his mind, his heart:

My God, why have You forsaken me?

Answers rose from some deep, dark inner reservoir—a bottomless well of contempt and disdain.
Forsaken you? He’s done exactly what you wanted. He’s answered you. Told you what you should do. About Renee. About the future.

He couldn’t hold back a harsh laugh. That was certainly true. If he’d had any doubts about leaving the ministry program, they were truly and completely gone. Some minister he’d make! No wonder God hadn’t called him to it. How stupid could Gabe be to think He would ever do so? Call
him
to be a minister?

It had been a stupid idea.

At least you’re free of it now.

Gabe almost choked. Some freedom. He’d gone from one prison smack-dab into another. Free? Hardly. He was more tangled now than ever.

He pulled a cigarette from his pocket, lit it, and took a deep draw. Promises were highly overrated. He’d made one to God, hadn’t he? Thought he knew what God wanted of him. Leave seminary. Let Renee go. Focus on … what? He didn’t know. Hadn’t had the chance to figure that out. And now …

“What now?” He blew the question out in a haze of
smoke and frustration, then dropped the cigarette to the sidewalk, grinding it out with his foot. “You have all the answers, right, God? So tell me, what do I do now?”

He wasn’t the least bit surprised when silence was his only answer.