The Beast of Beauty

The
Beast of

Beauty

Valerie
Johnston

The
Beast of Beauty

Copyright
© 2014 Valerie Johnston

Edited
by Cynthia Stigall

Cover
art by Valerie Johnston

Photography
by Pinkston Photography

All
rights reserved

10
9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2

ISBN-13:
978-1500154790

This
is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the
product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any
resemblance to any persons, living or dead, is completely coincidental.

For Derek, who believed in me unconditionally

I had always feared that there
was a monster deep within me. It was hard to see from the outside, but I could
feel it, secretly creeping inside of me, and I always had. I was a monster that
drove people away, one that no one would waste any time on. I was hopeless.

My sins engulfed me every time I
remembered them. I was selfish. I was greedy. I was angry.

I was so, so very angry.

I felt like my mother had been my
balance. She kept the monsters at bay and showed me the light within myself.
She believed in me, and she made me feel important. When I lost her, I lost the
ability to believe in myself or anything at all.

I got ready for school like I did
every morning. I took a shower, cleaned house, ate breakfast, got dressed, and
headed out the door, all before my father had the chance to wake up. My mother
used to do the same thing, but she did it with an elegance that I couldn’t seem
to possess. I tried to fill her shoes and hoped that it would bring light into
my life again, but without her, there was only darkness. If I stumbled around
in my own shoes, unable to do anything right, how on earth could I try to walk
in her’s?

Why else did my father rage the
way he did? I provoked him. I provoked him because I am a monster. My mother
never brought out the feelings in him that I did. She was gentle, kind, loving,
supportive, and wonderful. All of those traits seemed so far out of my reach
that it seemed ridiculous to even dream that one day I could be her.

Perhaps she kept the monsters
within my father at bay as well, and without her, there was no way that we
could happily coexist.

The crisp air outside gave me a
second to breathe. Walking to school in the morning was my favorite part of the
day because I could be alone. It wasn’t a long walk from my house to the
school, and I always wished it was longer. I hated being at school, and I hated
being at home, so this was my sanctuary. This was my moment of peace.

As I got closer to Holbrooke High
School, I found myself wanting to do anything but go there again. But every
day, no matter how strong that feeling became, I still went. I still faced the
demons that waited for me there. Most people would try to avoid the torment
that I went through at school, but deep down, I felt that I deserved it. After
everything that had happened, I felt like it was only to be expected.

I feared I was unlovable.

I feared I was going to be alone
forever.

I once heard that finding love is
rare. Movie after movie told me that there was a prince for every girl, but I
didn’t believe it. Those women in the movies I watched? They were gorgeous. And
was I gorgeous? Not by a long shot.

One boy told me I was, once. He
was a cruel person now, but he once saw something in me, or so I thought. I
didn’t see how he could’ve. I was so plain, so normal that makeup could not
have made my face look any better even if I did know how to put it on.

Cars passed me as they approached
the entryway to our high school. Some honked at me, like they always did, but
it wasn’t because they liked me. It was quite the opposite. It was just their
way of letting me know that they still knew I existed and they would make my
existence as terrible as they possibly could for the remainder of this year. I
sighed, for it was only October.

When I got to the parking lot, he
nearly ran into me, but I doubt that he even realized it. His eyes were far
off, like he had something so important on his mind that he couldn’t even look
at my face. Maybe he just wanted me to believe that so that it wouldn’t hurt my
feelings that he didn’t want to talk to me? No, that couldn’t be it. I doubt he
was thinking about sparing my feelings.

Still, his touch sent sparks
through my arm. What a strange, stupid feeling. Why on earth would I still get
excited at the touch of someone who has forgotten me? Maybe he didn’t forget me
at all; maybe he just found out that I was a monster before everyone else did?

That made much more sense.

I walked up to first period,
unable to get him out of my mind. He was so cruel, so distant, so petty… and
yet, he wasn’t any of those things. How can one person be so confusing?

The halls were filled with people
scrambling around, running into each other as if no one else existed. I
wondered what it would be like to have the kind of confidence that allowed you
to run all over people without even realizing it. I had all too much experience
being the one being run over.

I opened my locker to find a dead
bird lying inside. A few people were looking at me expectantly with their
phones out, hoping to get the next big internet hit. I picked it up by its
frail wing and threw it in the trash. The shrieks erupted like I had fainted.
It didn’t matter what I did, it always entertained them—at my expense.

First period was always the best—it
meant that Jasper wasn’t in my class. I could handle the ridicule from almost
everyone else, but his cut deeper. He was a professional at being cruel, while
the others just followed his lead. I would spend every other period of the day
with Jasper, but this was another brief moment of peace.

Jasper was another one of those
guys that was a walking contradiction. His face wasn’t as ugly as the person
that he was on the inside. He was moderately tall, but he walked even taller.
His face, while it may have been aesthetically pleasing, was always covered by
a smirk, and I for one was not attracted to that. I only wished that he was
hideous. Perhaps if he was, people wouldn’t worship him like he was some kind
of prince. They would ignore his attitude and not give him the time of day. As
it was, he ran this school. Apparently all it takes is brown hair, blue eyes,
and some basketball skills to make everyone listen to every single word that
you have to say…

… everyone except me.

Today is the day.

“We’ll be glad to have to you
back, Dan,” Jasper said as he lightly punched my arm. It was the nicest thing
he had said to me in a year.

I smiled calmly on the outside,
but inside I was bursting with pride. I had practiced all summer to get ahead
of the rest of the boys in order to make the A-team. Coach had said that he was
going to post the A and B team lists in the locker room this morning, and I
just knew that my name was going to be on the A list.

Zoey was going to be so proud of
me, and so was my father. I couldn’t wait to tell him. The last time I had good
news like this, he took the whole family out to eat seafood to celebrate. I was
already planning what I would order, and my mouth began to water thinking about
the huge shrimp plate that I would devour as I regaled my tale of how I walked
to the locker room, sat down my gym bag, approached the cork board, saw two
lists, the A one on the left, the B one on the right, and my name was right
there…

Where was my name?

I read the A-team over and over,
but I didn’t see my name. I thought perhaps that I was too worked up and just
looked over it, so I kept reading it again and again.

“Dude, it’s over here,” Jasper
said, and put his finger on the other list.

Sure enough, my name was there.
Daniel Cotton. Right there, on the wrong list.

Had the coach made a mistake?

I knew that there had to have
been a look of horror on my face. I looked up at Jasper’s face, hoping that it
would match mine. I hoped that he would be just as confused and demand an
explanation for why both of our names weren’t on the A list. Instead, he wore a
smile.

“Guess you weren’t meant to be
one of us after all,” he shrugged.

I ran out of the locker room to
find the coach. He saw my face before I could ever get a word out and stopped
me from speaking.

“Daniel, there is nothing wrong
with the way you play. I know that you have worked hard, and it really shows.
You have made so much improvement. You are just as much a part of this team as
anyone else, okay? Don’t forget that. We still need you to make this team a
success.”

I lowered my head, “You just
don’t need me to actually play in a game?”

He put his hand on my shoulder,
squeezed gently, and walked away.

I felt like a child standing
there staring at the floor. I wanted to punch something or someone and get out
all of the darkness that I felt creeping up within me. I didn’t understand. I
did the work. I put in the time. Those other boys that made the A-team probably
did nothing but party all summer, and here they are, as talented as ever, making
big plans to dominate the floor in our upcoming game—a game that I would watch
from the bench, cheering on those who beat me without even trying.

I felt like I was going to be
sick.

I was supposed to be good enough
to play in college. My old man dreamed of the day that his son would sign a
letter of intent to play college basketball. The college itself didn’t matter
to him; all that mattered was the attention that our family would get because
of me.

However, college scouts don’t
travel far and wide to different high schools around the country to see how
well the kid on the bench plays. Even if you do get a few moments of playing
time in the fourth quarter because your team is up by thirty points, there’s
nothing you could do to get on that coach’s radar. It wouldn’t matter if you
scored ten points in two minutes, you would be playing against the other team’s
B-team as well, and no one would notice.

First period practice went by
slowly. Jasper held his head high with a confidence that I wished that I could
possess. I thought that I would be celebrating in practice too, but I just
wanted it to be over as quickly as possible. As we ran drills, I felt like I
was running in water.

“Cotton, get your head in the
game!” Coach yelled, but not too harshly, like he had to keep up appearances
with the rest of the team, but he didn’t want to break me at the same time. I’m
sure that I looked as fragile as I felt.

Jasper pushed me from behind,
“You sure you can make it to the locker room? You look a little woozy.”

“I’m fine,” I muttered.

Jasper smirked, “I could carry
you?”

His friends laughed.

I ignored him and kept walking. I
didn’t even change clothes once I got there, I just grabbed my bag and left.

I got to English class, happy to
see a familiar face. Zoey beamed at me as I entered, expecting good news. I
smiled back, but said nothing.

“Look,” she said, “I know that it
isn’t your fault, but I don’t want you to be partner’s with another girl.”

“I don’t want to be, I’ll be your
partner.”

She sighed, “We don’t have a choice!
Mrs. Farmington already said that she was picking the groups, and I seriously
doubt that she is going to let us be together since she knows we’re dating.”

“Dang, you’re probably right.
Maybe I’ll be with another guy and it won’t be a big deal,” I shrugged.

“Lexie and Scott,” Mrs.
Farmington announced.

“Zoey and Brandon,” she listed. I
had no problems with Brandon.

“Hillary and Zeke,” she
continued. It seemed like she was pairing boys and girls. I didn’t care what
girl it was as long as it wasn’t…

“Adeline and Daniel,” she said,
as if it were no big deal.

Zoey laughed, “I’m not even
jealous of her.”

Zoey’s comment was a double-edged
sword. On one hand, I was glad that I wouldn’t have to listen to her gripe
about being jealous of someone that I didn’t even like. On the other hand, I
sort of wished that she would throw the biggest fit of her life and get me out
of this.

I walked across the room and sat
at the desk in front of hers, wishing that it could have been anyone else.