Thank You Notes (5 page)
Thank you… raisins, for decades of faithful service as the Halloween treat of choice for hippies, cheapskates, and assholes.
Thank you… molars. If my teeth were a class picture, you’d be the fat kids in the back row.
Thank you… the name Lloyd, for starting with two
L
s. I’m glad both those
L
s were there, because otherwise I would have called you “Loyd.”
Thank you… Christmas decorations, for going up right after Halloween. Nothing says “holidays” like seeing my neighbor replace his plastic Dracula with a plastic baby Jesus.
Thank you… flour, for keeping the paper sack container business alive. Don’t want to change your packaging, huh? Whenever I buy you I feel like I’m Charles Ingalls buying something from Oleson’s store on credit.
Thank you… dishwasher, for never getting cocky about how clean your dishes are. Because we both know that I wash them too much before I put them in you. Yup, you have a pretty sweet deal, don’t you, dishwasher? Dishwasher, I’m just fooling around, why do you look so freaked out? Hold on a second, dishwasher, wait a minute, are you wearing a wire?! What the… Hey, this dishwasher’s a cop! You betrayed me!
Thank you… PEZ dispensers, for being little creatures that vomit candy out of their necks. You’re awesome.
Thank you… the light bulb that’s been burned out in my house for the past two months, for reminding me how lazy I am. And when I finally do replace you, it won’t be with a light bulb I’ve bought—it will be with a light bulb from the least important light in the house.
Thank you… zebras, for showing me what horses would look like if I were on acid.
Thank you… person unwrapping a cough drop in the movie theater. I know you think that by unwrapping your lozenge very slowly it’s somehow less offensive. It’s not. I can hear every damn crinkle of that wrapper. Wait, are you rewrapping it just so you can unwrap it again? Thank you.
Thank you… Febreze, for allowing dirt and filth to live freely among us in total secrecy.
Thank you… Chili’s menus, for listing how many calories are in your food. I’M IN A CHILI’S! What part of “I don’t give a crap” do you not understand?
