Thank You Notes (3 page)
Thank you… the F12 button on my keyboard. What is it you do again? Oh, that’s right—nothing.
Thank you… Dad, for discovering text messaging. I really liked that text you sent with the smiley face, but not as much as the 27 blank text messages you sent right after. They kept me awake. Thanks, Dad.
Thank you… shampoo… or as I like to call you when I run out of soap, “soap.”
Thank you… Ben Bernanke, for saying that the recession is “most likely over.” Nothing puts me at ease and restores my confidence like a nice, firm “most likely.”
Thank you… “People You May Know” feature on Facebook, for never introducing me to a single person that I actually want to know, ever. More accurately, your title should be “People I Do Know but Am Avoiding.” Thanks.
Thank you… pop-up ads where it’s impossible to find where to click
CLOSE
. Or the ones that suddenly appear and block you from clicking on a link you really want to click, and then disappear as soon as you move your cursor away, only to reappear when you try again. You are so awesoooome!
Thank you… hotel minibar, for charging $7 for a mini Toblerone. And thank you, Me, for eating three of them.
Thank you… 2000 Flushes toilet cleaner, for not lying and saying that you last for 3,000 flushes. Because, the truth is… you could. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to count flushes or anything. OR WILL I???
Thank you… guy on the street who let one go while listening to his iPod. Just because you can’t hear it, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. It happened.
Thank you… guy who uses the urinal right next to me even though there are literally ten open urinals. Why not put your arm around my shoulder while we’re at it? Maybe we can reach over and flush each other’s toilets. You know, just a couple of “synchronized pee pals.” Thanks.
Thank you… the Fall, for arriving this week. I was really getting tired of Summer’s bullshit.
Thank you… vegan food, for being a healthy alternative to high-fat, meat-based diets. And for tasting like microwaved paper towels.
