Thank You Notes (13 page)

Thank you

 

… oscillating fans, for being soooo good, then not so good, then soooo good, then not so good, then soooo good.

Thank you

 

… smoothies, for being fat people’s way of saying, “I’m drinking a milkshake, but I don’t want to call it that.”

Thank you

 

… Cool Ranch Doritos, for being so delicious that I almost forget you make my breath smell like dragon barf for seven hours after I eat you.

Thank you

 

… knife and fork, for keeping spoon in check. He made a move on my pasta last night, but you guys were there to show him what’s what.

Thank you

 

… football season, for starting this week… and for finally making my habit of getting drunk at 11:00 in the morning every Sunday seem perfectly normal.

Thank you

 

… paper clips, for being like staples for people who can’t commit.

Thank you

 

… home gym, for being a monument to that one time when I wanted to get in shape.

Thank you

 

… the feeling that I lost my cell phone, even though I just put it in the wrong pocket. Those ten seconds of absolute terror did a great job of reminding me what a weak man I am.

Thank you

 

… fish cakes, for not even
trying
to sound good.

Thank you

 

… zip line, for being the fastest and most convenient way to travel between two trees.

Thank you

 

… enchilada, for looking like a burrito that just threw up all over itself.

Thank you

 

… new leather jacket, for being much heavier than I thought. Every time I put you on I feel like I’m getting X-rays at the dentist.