Surviving Love (Surviving #2) (27 page)

“You’ve seen him?” Johan said, turning his head a little to look at Ryan.

Ryan nodded. “Yeah.”

Johan huffed out a breath. I could see the clouds gathering above him as his demeanour changed. He was the defeated little boy, the frightened child fighting monsters and I hated these two for doing that to him.

“He didn’t hate you, Johan, he hated himself,” Ryan said. “He was terrified to become his father, and do what your grandfather did to children. He never—”

Johan held up his hand to silence Ryan.

“He killed my mom, I don’t forgive that. His actions sent me to hell, I
still
live with it. She,” he pointed towards me without looking at any of us, “is my rapture, she is the one who brought some light into my life, she stood against my terrors and fought them away. Twenty-eight fucking years I’ve lived with monsters in my head. He doesn’t get to have excuses for that shit. He doesn’t get to say sorry. He created scars no apology can heal.”

I couldn't stand not to hold him any longer, I had given the
brothers
space, now I needed him in my arms. I went to him and wrapped my arms around him and cradled his head to my chest. I kissed the top of his head whispering words of support into his hair. I needed him to know I was there, I was standing beside him. He didn’t respond, he remained captured in my arms stiff and unyielding. I hated we had reverted back to this, I knew those walls had gone back up and I could feel him slipping away from me. Tears stung my eyes as I held onto him, I tried to convey with my silent hold that I needed him to come back, we were a team and I would stand by him through this.

Ryan cleared his throat. “You going to be...a dad, buddy?”

I covered my bump with my hand and smiled, waiting for Johan to use the same nickname in reference to my baby that Ryan used for him.

“I’m not,” Johan said despondently. I pulled away slightly and looked down at him; he had his head down and his eyes screwed shut as his body slowly rocked back and forth. I looked up at Ryan who had a strange look on his face as he watched Johan. “I don’t want to be,” Johan hazarded.

“Sorry, I thought you two were—”

“No!” Johan’s voice emerged as a pleading cry.

I stepped away, my heart cracked and crumbled. I fought the tremble of my lip and tears came unbidden. I swiped at my face, trying and failing to hide how much it hurt to hear those words. Johan had staked a claim on both me and my child. He wasn’t just going to throw us away was he? Had it all been an act?

I wanted to scream at him to look at me, to acknowledge what we had shared, that he said he loved me and wanted to be a family. But the cold posture and unfeeling eyes said it all. I was out, he didn't need me anymore. He had his
hero
.

“I better...anyone want a drink?” I said quickly and dashed out of the room before anyone could answer. I closed the lounge door behind me as quietly as possible and grabbed my car keys; I needed to see my sister. I just hoped that I could hold it together before I completely lost it. I sat in the car and rubbed my stomach.

“I love you little bean, we don’t need anyone else. We...we will...we only need two to make a team.” I sobbed. I wiped angrily at my eyes and started the engine.

***

I drove to Jill’s house from mine with puffy eyes, a runny nose, hiccupping from my sobbing session. Eve and Dominic were staying here for a few days, keeping an eye on the place while Jill was on holiday. I walked down the long driveway and heard Eve’s sweet laughter coming from the back of the house. I rounded the corner to the garden and paused to watch the sight before me. Tears rolled down my cheeks. Eve was sitting cradled in Dominic’s lap on a lounge chair. He had his hand on her back rubbing gentle circles, and he held her Kindle in his other hand while she read. His head rested on the top of hers and his eyes were closed in serene contentment.

They were beautiful together. I wanted that kind of love. I covered my mouth as a whimper escaped at the realisation the man I thought loved me like that had just dismissed me as
nothing
. I turned and walked away.

I had to deal with this alone.

Johan

I wanted to cover my ears, I fought at the urge to hide in a tiny dark place to send all this away. My palms were clammy, my heart beat wildly and I couldn't breathe. I could feel
them
coming, and I wanted to fight, to open my eyes and make them disappear. But the monsters were coming, my skin crawled with apprehension. I felt dirty,
their
hands,
their
smell and the sounds of hell.
Their
laughter as we cried in the corner knowing our turn was coming. I closed my eyes tightly and saw the empty blue eyes of the girl with the blonde hair. I shook my head, I couldn't think of her, I didn't want to go back there. But it was coming, the cold, damp musty smell suffocating my senses. I desperately needed to hide; my therapist had said I needed to fight the urge to hide from myself, I had to face it. Face the fears and fight them. But I couldn't do it. I rocked myself and chanted in my head.

I don’t want to be
there
, I’m not.
I’m safe
.
I balled my hands into fists. I don’t want to be here, I’m not with the monsters.
No!
I’m with Lou, Lou!
My avenging angel in my hell, my light in the darkness. The smells receded and I was engulfed by her scent, her warm womanly loving scent. I let out a breath I didn't realise I was holding. She was my shield against the monsters, the shadows went away. The tension seeped out of my body as I opened my eyes and looked around the room to see my woman had disappeared.

“Are you fucking stupid?” Will roared. I nearly jumped off the freaking coffee table. He shouted so fucking loud. T
he creak of wood as he walked me into the hell hole.
I shook my head again trying to shake away the thoughts. They needed to go.

“What?” I looked up at his tall frame; I swear the guy grew an inch a day, he must be nearing six-foot-five now.

He lifted his hand and pointed to the closed door. I looked around the room to see Lou had left.

“Where’s Lou?” I asked, looking up at Will and then to Ryan who sat staring at me like I was some weird science experiment he was trying to figure out.

“Are you shitting me? You just broke the girl’s heart, I swear to God, Jo, I could kick your ass right now.” Will seethed, placing his hands on his hips and glaring at me. I jerked back, regarding him. What was his problem? I had never seen my brother so worked up.

“I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about.”

He threw himself into the chair sending it back into the wall, then stretched his long legs out in front of him and covered his face with his hands in frustration. “Ry, you talk to him. I have no fucking clue what just happened.”

I turned to look at Ryan.

“Where did you go? Just now, in your head. Where did you go?” Ryan asked.

Will groaned as if realising what had just occurred. Ryan ignored him and stared at me intently. I wanted to hide, for years I had hidden what was inside, what I saw, what the nightmares did to me. Lou had broken in and I trusted her. Ryan was different, Ryan
knew
what had happened.

“The boathouse,” I said quietly.

He nodded. “You in love, little buddy? With the woman out there?”

I frowned, wondering what that had to do with anything; I nodded.

“That your kid she’s carrying?”

“What the hell does that have to do with anything?” I snapped.

“Answer the question, buddy.”

I swallowed. “He might as well be, I
want
him to be. So...”

Will groaned again and leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees and cradling his shaking head.

“Jo, I think you just fucked up,” Ryan said, rubbing his eyes.

I had no clue what the hell these two drama queens were talking about and the riddles were pissing me off.

“Does she know? About the shit you lived through?”

Again I nodded.

“I asked you if you were going to be a dad, and you just said it wasn’t yours, and that you two weren’t together. I saw Lou’s heart break right here in this room, and it wasn’t pretty,” Will said scornfully.

“I didn’t.”

“Yes, you fucking did. She tore out of here like the fires of hell were torching her ass,” Will snapped.

“I wasn’t...she’s everything to me. I was having a fucking panic attack and the only reason I didn't turn into my usual freaky fucker was because I thought of
her.”

I stood, and headed for the door. Ryan placed a meaty hand on my shoulder. “She’s gone, bud.”

“What?” I tugged my shoulder away forcefully and glared at him.

“She got in her car and left.”

“And you just let her?” I shouted at them both.

“Not our business to stop her.” Ryan shrugged his massive shoulders.

“FUCK!” I roared, pulling at my hair. If I truly said that shit, I could only imagine what she was thinking after what Darren had done to her. “I have to find her and apologise. I didn't mean..she’ll think...I wasn’t...” I grabbed onto the doorframe as my vision blurred and I gasped for breath. Strong arms wrapped around me and pulled me into the lounge, pushing me onto the soft couch.

“Breathe, buddy.”

“I—”

“She lives here, she’ll come back and you’ll be ready to crawl on your knees for her forgiveness. Let her kick you in the balls if need be, but just wait it out. Let her cool off.”

“You don’t know Lou, she’s likely to cut my balls off and stomp them into dust.”

Will chuckled. “I like her, she seems pretty cool.”

“She makes it all go away.”

“Yeah?” Ryan said, smiling. “I’d like to have somebody like that one day.”

I nodded, knowing I was a lucky son of a bitch for having someone perfect like Lou, I just prayed I hadn’t fucked it up.

“It’s good you’re not dead, Ryan.”

“It’s fucking great you’re not, little buddy, although where the fuck did the muscles come from. You got ripped since the last time I saw you.”

I laughed. “Well that pansy ass was shit at protecting me,” I pointed at Will.

“Fucker.” Will snorted, knowing I wasn’t serious. Will had taken on more than one mean as hell bully for me. When I told him I was moving overseas he practically begged me not to go, he was worse than Mama-su. If it wasn’t for Marissa I’m sure he would have followed me here.

“How’re the wedding plans going?” I asked.

Will groaned and Ryan laughed. “She’s hell to live with. I swear, man, she’s turned into a completely different woman. She’s moody and completely irrational. It’s like you propose and they turn into this crazy-ass wedding demon.”

Both Ryan and I grabbed our sides and laughed loudly.

“You can laugh all you want, bro, but your turn is coming.”

I sobered quickly, not because I didn't want that, but because I
did.
More than I had wanted anything in my life.

“She’s worth it though.” I looked at Will and smiled. I would put up with all that shit if it meant I got to keep her for life.

“Yeah. I’m whipped, what can I say? Fourteen when I fell for that girl, I’ll be old and gray and still find her the sexiest woman alive,” he chuckled, the smug bastard.

Ryan laughed. “I still remember how fucking scared you were about asking her out.”

“Shut up, shithead.”

We all laughed, and another broken shard within me was replaced. I just needed Lou back, and for once I’d have a real shot at a happy ending.

***

Will and Ryan stayed for a few hours, before Will had to go to the formal; I refused to leave until I spoke to Lou. I was seriously beginning to worry Lou wouldn’t come home. I hated myself for hurting her, for making her feel the need to run. I wanted her back, and I wanted to hold her in my arms and apologise for being a fucked up freak. I don’t even remember hearing Ryan ask the questions he said I answered. The door lock clicked and I shot out of my chair. I met her in the hallway and paused when I saw the awful red puffiness to her eyes. Fuck, I had done that to her.

“What I said, it wasn’t—”

She held up her hand to silence me. “I want you to leave. I need you to move back into your own flat.”

“No!” I said and grabbed a hold of her. I wrapped my arms around her and held on tightly. Her hands snaked between us and she pushed against my chest but I held on, I wasn’t letting her go.

“Johan.”

“No, please just listen. I was having a freak out, I didn't hear what Ryan asked. I was doing my chant to send the bad fucked up stuff away. I wasn’t even thinking about...okay, that’s a lie, I did think of you but you were what sent the shadows away. I didn't freak out because I had
you
to come back to.”

She remained silent but pushed against my chest. I loosened my hold but I didn't let her go, and It didn’t go unnoticed that she gripped my shirt in her hands.

“I want you to go.”

“No!”

She smiled and my heart fluttered slightly.

“I want you...” She held up her hand and covered my mouth. “Damn you, will you just be quiet?”

I shook my head mumbled behind her hand. “I will fight you on this, sunbeam.”

“I
need
you to go.”

Okay that fucking hurt. Tears swam in her eyes, and fear crept its way in. I bent my head to look her directly in the eyes. Her chocolate orbs, the ones I’d seen swimming with lust, were resolute. Broken, and it was fucking terrifying.

“Lou.” I choked. She was throwing me away.

“I...” Tears rolled down her pale cheeks. “I love you, Johan, I love you so much.”

“Wait, what?”

She smiled sadly. “I do, I love you so much.”

“Don’t do it then, I’m sorry I said that stuff.”

“You need to go with Ryan to sort your family’s stuff out. You need to reconnect with him, you need...”

“I need
you
. Nothing else. I need you, Lou, you are my family now. This...” I pulled back and placed my hands on my little buddy. “This is my family now.”

She shook her head.

“Yes, yes you are, Lou. I’m not leaving.” People had been ripped from me, taken, and there’d been nothing I could do to stop it. I wasn’t letting her push me away. I would fight for her.

“I don’t want you to leave—”

“Good because I’m not.”

“Stop bloody interrupting.”

“I have to, otherwise your brain has time to catch up and think of something else.”

She laughed this time, and pressed her forehead to the centre of my chest. I hoped she could feel my heart hammering, because it beat for her, for us, for our family.

“I’m not pushing you away because I don’t love you. I’m begging that you go because I do love you.”

“That makes no sense.”

She lifted her tearstained face and my heart cracked at the pain I saw shining in her eyes. She cupped my cheek.

“I’m letting you go because I love you. You need to go find your family again. Resolve the issues with your inheritance and put to rest the demons of your past. Hiding here won’t make them go away, you have to go face them. Unless you do, there will always be something between us, a fear that someone will take you away from me. I can’t let you into bean’s life just for you to walk away. You’ll make a great daddy, Johan, I have no doubts about that. But whether we are the family you want is something...”

“You’re all I want. I’ve never—”

“Because you never gave love a chance. You never let anyone else in through fear of losing them. I’m asking that you go, and let your family in. You love them the way they love you. Open your heart to them. And if you want us after that, you come back. But you have to go home.”

“This is my home, Lou.” My voice was shaky with emotion and a tear rolled down my cheek into her hand.

“But until you face your past, I will always be scared you’ll leave us.”

“Come with me.”

She shook her head. “I can’t. You need to do this alone. No more running.”

“You’re making me run.”

“No, I’m asking you to choose to live in the light. Stop letting the shadows of your past cloud you.”

“What if I can’t?”

“Honey, I know you can. I wouldn’t have fallen in love with a weak man.”

A loud sob escaped me and I pressed my forehead to hers. “Don’t make me say goodbye, Lou.”

“I’m not saying goodbye, I’m asking you to face your past and say goodbye to that.”

I stepped away from her. Her hands slid slowly away from my body as if she wanted to prolong the contact. A ghost of her hands tingled against my skin.

“I’ll go...” I cleared my throat. “I’ll pack...” I bit my trembling lip, I didn't want to be a pussy in front of her but God this fucking hurt. I knew it was goodbye because I couldn't do what she asked. I couldn't go to that place again and face what she wanted me to. I hadn’t been to that hellhole since I was sixteen and it near killed me.