Something Fierce [The Underground 1] (Siren Publishing Classic) (13 page)

Foreign emotions and feelings swirled around him like an impending tornado. He didn’t know how to take them, didn’t know how to process how they made him feel. She had seen him covered in another man’s blood, and although there had been shock and fear initially, all of that had melted away and she had looked upon him like she had really seen
him
.

Her body, so soft and full, rested against his side and spread warmth throughout him. The warmth wasn’t just physical. He felt it down to his very bones, down to his very marrow. Yeah, being with her had been a mistake, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to walk away from her. He was known to leave people in ruins, and she would just end up being another casualty. He didn’t know how to be any different, and Kash knew she deserved someone so much better than a piece of shit like him that came from a broken family.

The smart thing to do was for him to leave. He was good at leaving, but the selfish part of him couldn’t bring himself to tear his hands from her lush body. He would hold her while she slept, just for tonight. He could give himself that one simple pleasure and then when she woke he would need to sever whatever was growing between them. It was the only way to keep her mind and heart intact.

Chapter Sixteen

Tristan woke to the sound of steady thumping right below her ear and the feel of warmth surrounding her. She slowly opened her eyes, and although the room was still cloaked in darkness, the light from the streetlamps outside cast a dim glow through the window. His scent enveloped her, a heady aroma of sweat, sex, and something spicy. Certain parts of her body ached pleasurably, and she couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face, but soon that slowly dissipated into a frown. Kash’s words right before she fell victim to blissful sleep echoed in her head.

“What a fucking mistake.”

She wanted to confront him about it, but a selfish and stupid part of her didn’t want to break the afterglow silence that resulted from the incredible sex they just had. There was also a part of her that just wanted to pretend it had never happened, that maybe she had imagined his words. She closed her eyes briefly and basked in the feel of him surrounding her. He had his arm draped over her shoulder, protectively she would like to think. Her head rose and fell in time with his breathing. The sound of his heart could have easily lulled her back to sleep, but disappointment and a sense of being used crept into her soul. Had he simply fucked her just because? Did he have no feelings for her like she had for him? The idea that he thought of what they just shared as a mistake ate at her. It was her own damn fault though. She knew what kind of man he was. He had admitted as much before he fucked her. Her stupid brain and stupid heart had fallen for him regardless, and now she had to face the cold, hard truth.

“You must be thinking about something intense.” Kash’s sleepy voice seemed to fill the room. It was no use feigning sleep now.

“How did you know I was awake?” She pulled back and tilted her head to look into his face. He smiled down at her and brushed a stray lock of hair off her forehead. Tristan’s heart seized for a moment at the tender gesture. Maybe she had misheard him? Maybe all her worrying was for nothing?

“I’m pretty good at reading people.” At her silence he continued. “Your body tensed and your breathing changed.” He smiled and brought his lips to hers.

Warmth spread throughout her body when his lips touched hers. She had so many questions to ask him but didn’t know if now was the right time to bring any of that up. “I’m sorry if I woke you.”

“You didn’t wake me. I never fell asleep.” He tightened his arm around her and she found herself snuggling in closer. “So do you want to talk about what is on your mind?” His voice had changed on the last part, and she wondered if he knew what kind of questions she had for him.

The first question that rose to her mind seemed the most logical one to ask, and the one he was most likely willing to answer. “So, that is what you do for a living?” The image of him slamming his fist into his opponent raced through her mind and a shiver crept up her spine. He didn’t say anything for several moments, as if he might be weighing what he really wanted to tell her.

“Yes.”

She was surprised by his admission. For some reason she thought he might try to deny it, although it would have been fruitless since she had seen the destruction he caused with her own eyes. Yet here she was, curled around him like a second skin, her body aroused even though he had just brought her to multiple orgasms not an hour ago.

“Does what I do disgust you?” He moved another lock of hair off her shoulder. “Do I scare you?” He whispered the last part.

It should have,
he
should have, but at that moment she couldn’t feel anything but peaceful ignorance and the aftereffects of their intimacy. “No. Yes.” His chuckle at her response surprised her. She rested her head on his chest again and listened to the beat of his heart. It was steady, strong, just like him. “I should feel disgusted by how you make a living. Beating people up to make money isn’t exactly prideful work.” Had he stopped breathing? At his silence she took that as an indication that he wanted her to continue. “It scared me to see you hurt someone like that, but then there was a part of me that was in awe.” She lifted her head again and looked into his face. He watched her intently, yet there was a shroud of uncertainty covering his perfectly handsome features. “The look on your face, it was frightening, exciting.” The last word left her lips quietly. She glanced at him through the veil of her lashes to gauge his reaction. Would her admission disgust
him
?

He tore his gaze from hers and stared up at the ceiling. Embarrassment flooded her at the knowledge that he most likely was disgusted by her confession. She went to pull away, but his arm tightened around her. Almost reluctantly, because mortification still lingered, she submitted and rested her head back on his chest. He didn’t speak for several moments, but when he did his chest rumbled beneath her head.

“I wish I could tell you that I hate what I do, but I’d be lying.” Tristan stayed silent in fear that he would close off these emotions. She wanted to understand him. She wanted to know what made the two parts of him. The one side of him that was sweet, humorous, and playful, and the other side that was coated in blood and seemed to revel in dishing out pain.

“I enjoy slamming my fist into their faces. I get high off causing them pain. I want to say I do what I do for the money, but I can’t. When I’m out there and they’re screaming my name, I change into someone different.” His hand stroking her hair had her heart racing. “What we have between us can’t accelerate. I am no good for you, Tristan. The people I associate with, the way I make a living, it will soil you, corrupt you. I don’t want to be the cause of your destruction, but keeping things going between us”—his voice faltered slightly—“it can’t go any further than tonight.”

What was Tristan supposed to say to that? Disappointment, sadness, and heartache swirled inside of her so strongly that it sucked the very air from her lungs. How did she feel this strongly for someone she hardly knew? She couldn’t say she loved him, could she? No, it wasn’t love, but there was something definitely there. She didn’t respond because she had no idea how to. Whatever demons Kash fought that made him want to keep her at arm’s length, she didn’t want to bring them up and push him farther away. Trying to imagine a purely platonic relationship with him was impossible, especially after tonight.

“Was this a mistake?” That had been the only thing she could think to say since it had been on her mind since she woke. He sighed above her and she resisted looking into his eyes. “I care about you, Kash. I truly do.” As soon as those words left her mouth she knew it had been what broke everything between them. She was too clingy, too needy. That had always been her downfall. It was true that what she felt for Kash was completely new to her. Never had she desired someone so strongly, felt the need to be near them physically and emotionally. She hadn’t learned her lesson with Zac. Here she was, screwing up another relationship that could have been strong. If she would have just kept her legs closed.

Please don’t let him crush my heart.

“Tristan.” He shifted on the bed and let his arm fall from her shoulder. Instantly, coldness seeped into her. “God, I am such a bastard.” She had a feeling that what he was about to say might make that accurate.

Before she let him utter words she knew might destroy her, she found her own resolve. She sat up and brought her lips to his. He tensed for a split second, probably wondering what in the hell she was doing, but soon his mouth softened and he kissed her back like he desperately wanted her. It took everything in her to pull away. Their eyes met and she thought she would see passion reflected back, but he had erected his wall again and stared at her stoically. He sat up and turned his back on her. She felt her cheeks heat with renewed embarrassment.

“I am not what you need. I am not
who
you need. This thing between us”—he paused and she had a fantasy in her head that he couldn’t continue with that sentence, that what he was about to say would make her heart swell, that he would tell her he, too, cared for her—“there is nothing between us. Do you understand? I am enough of a fucking bastard that can admit I don’t need the extra baggage of a female hanging around. We had sex and that was all there was between us, nothing more.” His profile was clear and she watched him swallow before he continued. “I don’t want anything more from you than that.”

Tears pricked her eyes even though she had known that he was going to crush her. The first tear that fell splashed on her cheek and she quickly wiped it away. She didn’t want him to see her cry. He had made himself perfectly clear, made his intentions perfectly clear. She had just been a warm hole for him to use. Awkward silence stretched between them, and Tristan found the courage to pull away. Shame and humiliation surrounded her, but she was proud of herself for keeping it deep down inside. She didn’t want to see pity on his face. The disconnection and distance that covered his handsome features now were almost too much for her.

“I don’t want this to ruin our friendship.”

Friendship?

Could she honestly have only that with him? Obviously that was all he would be willing to give her, but she knew it would be painful. She put on a front because things were tense between them already. Smiling, because she didn’t know what other reaction to have, she turned and looked at him.

“Nothing has to change, Kash.” He looked skeptical. “I’m not a child that you have to walk on eggshells around. You have your life and I have mine. It was clear we both needed to let off a little steam. I don’t see why one sexual encounter has to be made into a big deal.” Those were some of the hardest words she ever had to utter.

“If this is too hard I don’t have to stay here. I should have never done this with you, Tristan. I’m sorry. I just made things more difficult.”

Anger started to slowly slip into her body and push the heartache away. How dare he talk to her like that? She was tired of hearing him say how wrong it was, how he shouldn’t have done it. “What’s done is done, Kash.” She didn’t keep the slight edge of anger from her voice when she spoke to him. “I don’t expect you to leave. We are both adults here.” She didn’t wait for him to respond, just hauled ass out of his room in search of a rock to crawl under.

Chapter Seventeen

The next morning was awkward, but the day after that, and then the day after that, was even worse. Kash’s schedule made it so that their run-ins were few and far between, or maybe he was just purposefully avoiding her. When they would run into each other, a terse moment would pass between them. She wished she could say she hated him, despised him for speaking so bluntly, making her realize that she had unattainable dreams, but that would be a lie. Deep down Tristan knew what kind of man Kash was. Hell, she knew what he did for a living. She couldn’t push away the memories of their movie nights or the way he joked with her about the cheesy sex scenes. She hated herself that she still had feelings for him, feelings that didn’t go away.

She stared out the window, thinking about the same thing she had been thinking about for the past week. Kash. Her cell phone vibrated beside her and she knew who it was before she even picked it up. She knew Kylie had a mouthful to say to her, especially since Tristan had been avoiding her all week. There was just no way Tristan could avoid telling Kylie that she had just slept with Kash.

Cell phone in hand, she contemplated not answering, but she knew she could only avoid her friend for so long. “Hello?”

“Tristan Brynn Holloway, how dare you ignore me for an entire week,” Kylie’s shrill voice screeched across the receiver, and Tristan pulled the phone away from her ear. This was only the beginning.

“I wasn’t ignoring you, Kylie.”

“Bull-fucking-shit you weren’t. The only reason I haven’t been over there beating down your damn door is because my work schedule has been busy and Kash told me you were still alive.”

Kylie talked to Kash? Tristan was on the verge of delving deeper into that but stopped herself.

“I know something is wrong and I want you to talk to me about it.” There was a touch of hurt in Kylie’s voice that made Tristan feel like a complete bitch.