Something Beautiful (30 page)

"I'm listening," Shiloh said. "You look a little sunburned."

"It's from all that sunlight reflecting off the snow. Shiloh." He swallowed again and fidgeted. "Shiloh, I'm gay." He braced himself for her revulsion.

Shiloh covered his hand with hers. "I know, honey," she said quietly, and when he looked up at her there were tears in her eyes.

"You know?"

"Micah," she said in a "duh" sort of voice, "all your friends are gay, you've never dated a girl --"

"I went out with Bonnie Harris."

"Once. On an arranged date. You've never even had a crush on an actress or a model. And you dance," she said triumphantly as if that proved everything. "Badly, but at least you enjoy it."

"Wow," he said softly. "You figured all that out, huh?"

"Well, you know, sister. I notice things. Jamie was your boyfriend for a while, wasn't he? Isn't that why you were talking about living with him during college?"

"Yeah -- yeah," Micah said, still a bit stunned. "He was my first."

"So what happened?"

"I slept with Ryan and Jamie broke up with me -- look, Shiloh, there's more I wanted to talk to you about."

"If you're also into S&M all my illusions about you will be completely shattered," she said and squeezed his hand.

"No, I'm not into S&M. Where do you pick up these things?"

She spread out her hands. "Come on. I'm not twelve anymore."

Micah smiled, bemused. He wasn't the only one who'd grown up with no one noticing. No, that wasn't true -- Aidan had noticed Shiloh wasn't a child anymore.
 
There was no reason to sugarcoat anything, really: Shiloh could handle it. "I'm in love with Dune."

She smiled, but dropped it when he didn't smile back. "You don't sound like you're happy about it."

"I'm not. Dune's still in love with his college boyfriend, this guy named Gavin Marcus. He's an asshole. He's been following Dune around and making a nuisance of himself, and Dune's been saying he didn't want him back. But when I went over to Dune's earlier, he was there, and they -- they were doing it."

"You saw them having sex?" Shiloh said, grimacing.

"No, just Gavin was naked and Dune mostly was, and -- well, you'll find out."

"No, I know," she murmured, and then smiled at his shocked look. "What, I can't have a social life, too?"

"I may have to kill Aidan the next time I see him," Micah said gloomily.

"No, you won't, and we'll talk about Aidan later. Tell me more about Dune and this Gavin guy."

He told her everything, about being Dune's lover and Gavin constantly showing up and Stuart coming to the cabin and all the pain and tension of the last few days. Shiloh listened, frowning sometimes, and when he was done she said, "You know, Gavin sounds like he's been stalking Dune."

"That's ridiculous."

"I bet he's bothered Dune a lot more than Dune's told you about, and what you know is scary enough. The job, being at your favorite places all the time, and 'just happening' to be in the neighborhood?" She shook her head. "He's after Dune."

"Well, he's got Dune," Micah said. "And Dune must want him back because he could have anybody. You should see it when we go out -- it's like he's a magnet and we're all just the iron filings, following wherever he goes."

"He is very handsome," Shiloh said thoughtfully. "Do people ever get obsessive about him?"

"Sometimes," Micah said with a shrug. "I mean, people send him stuff through the paper all the time and sometimes people will just proposition him on the street. But nobody's ever threatened him, I don't think."

"There was a girl on my floor last year who had an ex-boyfriend who wouldn't let go," Shiloh said. "She was engaged to somebody else and the ex would still come around, expecting her to have sex with him whenever he wanted and he'd call her all these terrible names -- he'd say that she was a stupid whore and nobody would ever love her. Her roommates called campus security on him a couple times. I think he was expelled."

"Gavin's just persistent," Micah said, and wondered if there was more that he didn't know about.

"So, what are you going to do?" she asked quietly, and combed her fingers through his hair.

"I don't know," Micah said with a long sigh. "I mean, if he wants Gavin there's really nothing I can do, is there?"

"Do you think maybe he's sleeping with Gavin because he's upset with you over Stuart?"

"Maybe, but...I just want him to love me, you know?" He leaned his head on her shoulder. "I just want him to love me, but you can't make anybody love you. You just have to hope that they do."

"That's true," Shiloh said quietly, and kissed the top of his head.

"So, if he's happy with Gavin I should just be happy for him. But I don't know if he's happy."

"Maybe you should ask him."

"What if he tells me yes just to get me to leave him alone?"

"Would he do that?" She looked doubtful.

"Normally I'd say no." He sighed. "But I never thought Dunie would take Gavin back, either. I thought maybe we had a chance, you know? I thought maybe he loved me and not just as a friend, but I was wrong about that. Who knows what else I've been wrong about?"

Shiloh said, "He must just like you a lot, then, since he took you to the hospital and waited for you to get out of surgery all night and looked after you when you got home. That's a whole lot of like."

"That's just because he's nice."

"Sending you flowers after surgery is nice. Sitting in the waiting room while you get the surgery -- that's love."

Micah closed his eyes. "Even if he does love me, he doesn't trust me, and he's fucking Gavin anyway, so it doesn't matter."

"So you're just going to let Gavin have him."

"If that's what Dune wants...and I have no reason to think it's not what he wants."

"Hm," Shiloh said again. "Mom and Dad don't know about you and him, do they?"

"No. Oh, no. I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell them."

She nodded, looking troubled. "Do you want to stay a while?"

"Yeah, is that okay?"

"Of course. I'll have to do some homework later --"

"I have my laptop. I can amuse myself for a while." He added, "You're the best, Shiloh. You know that?"

"Yes," she said airily. "I do."

***

It was remarkably, scarily easy to stop seeing someone when you made up your mind you were going to. If they never called each other -- if they didn't take each other to lunch, or drop by each other's apartments -- if Micah stopped accepting Leo's invitations, if Jamie stopped asking Micah around for Dune's sake -- then they had no reason, no excuse to see each other.

Dune had Christmas Eve dinner with his mothers and brought Gavin. Gavin spent a lot of time rolling his eyes and snorting to himself, until finally Ocean pulled Dune aside and said, "Dune, darling, I don't like questioning your choices, but are you sure Gavin is the right person for you?"

"Of course I am," Dune said, and he thought he sounded pretty convincing.

Afterwards Gavin said, "Dune, don't ever make me hang out with that hippie again. Your mom's okay, but Ocean -- oh, my God --"

"Ocean is my mother too," Dune pointed out, but at the gagging noises Gavin made decided not to press the matter. Ocean took some getting used to, and Dune thought Gavin just needed time.

Micah loved her from the first meeting,
a little voice nagged him, and he quashed that thought ruthlessly.

They had dinner Christmas Day with Gavin's family. Everyone but Laird and Tristan seemed to think they were roommates until Gavin said, "No, Grandma, he sucks my cock," and Gavin's mother asked them to leave.

"Who needs them?" Gavin said. "We don't."

Dune nodded, not wanting to fight, but it was hard not to think about the Christmas dinner he was missing at his mothers' house, or even the one Micah was probably at right now at his father's church, with the huge potluck buffet and carol-singing during dessert.

At Leo's New Year's Eve party Gavin didn't try to have a conversation with anyone but Dune and didn't let Dune out of his sight all night. "Bit possessive, isn't he?" said Jamie, not bothering to keep his voice down, and Leo's expression was worried every time he looked at Dune.

Micah was there, too, and spent most of the night on the edge of conversations, a glass of champagne in his hand that he never seemed to drink. He didn't approach Dune after they said hello, and whenever Dune tried to get to him so they could finally talk a little, Gavin pulled him in the other direction.

"That Jamie is so fucking pretentious," Gavin said after the party. "How do you stand him talking all the time? Why do you hang out with him? You don't need him."

Dune wondered who would be left once Gavin got rid of everyone he thought Dune didn't need -- if Gavin would leave him anyone at all.

All that Gavin needed was sex, which was easy enough to give. Dune realized after a few weeks that he just needed to be present -- Gavin would take care of the rest. It wasn't like making love to Micah, who touched and kissed and stroked without Dune even needing to ask.

He fucks me like I'm not even there, D
une wrote in his journal, and stared at it for a while, wondering if it was even worth complaining about. And when he went back to his journal a few days later the page was torn out, and Gavin said in bed that night, "So I fuck you like you're not here, huh? Do you need me to show you how here you are?"

It was not a good night. Dune felt disconnected from everything of his life before Gavin: his body, his family, his friends, his entire life. Food held no appeal. Music gave him no pleasure. His columns were lackluster enough that his editor called him in for a meeting, and then a second one, to talk about his dedication to his career. He stopped leaving comments at blogs and then stopped visiting blogs altogether, particularly Micah's. He deleted the file of his novel from his computer, removed himself from writers' mailing lists, and shredded his printouts and notes.

Leo kept trying to feed him, making his favorites whenever he came over -- which was less and less often since Gavin decided he didn't need his father. Stuart offered to take Dune to any restaurant in the state he might fancy. Ben brought him muffins and bagels from his family's bakery. Jamie was the only one to say it outright: "Oi. You're too skinny. Eat something before you blow away."

"Mind your own fucking business," he told Jamie, and the next time Jamie called Gavin told him Dune didn't want to see him anymore.

Dune saw Micah twice after the New Year's party. The first time was at the end of January at the Gallaghers' bakery. At the sight of Micah, even though he was just having coffee and muffins with Shiloh and Aidan, Gavin wrapped a possessive arm around Dune's neck and made a big show of kissing him. In response, Micah turned pale and abruptly left, his sister calling after him with concern.

The second time was in February at the Rigbys' bookstore. Gavin was at work and Dune was alone, reading at one of the tables in the nonfiction section. He almost didn't notice Micah: he happened to glance up and recognized the satchel on Micah's back as Micah browsed through programming books. Dune started to speak, but thought,
If he wanted to talk to me he would have called me already,
gathered up his books and went to another part of the store. He'd be meeting Gavin soon, anyway, and he didn't want to explain who he'd been talking to when he did.

Gavin wanted to know who he was calling, where he was going, who he was seeing, when he would be back. He threw out most of Dune's clothes, saying he didn't need to show off his body. He uninstalled Dune's IM programs, discontinued his cell phone, and changed the password of his email. When Tristan called Gavin told her, "He's busy. He'll call you later."

"Why do you make me punish you?" Gavin said to Dune if Dune was later getting home than he'd said he would be, or spoke to someone Gavin didn't like, or expressed a desire to see Leo or Jamie. "Do you think anybody else will love you like I do? No one will, Dune. They don't actually like you -- they just think you're nice to look at."

It wasn't long before no one called at all. He couldn't blame them for that: who'd want to talk to him when he was nothing more than decoration? Micah had moved on, his friends had abandoned him, his family didn't want him. Gavin was right: nobody really cared about him, not really.