Something Beautiful (34 page)

"It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop," Dune said quietly once Micah had told him this.

"I'm not sure what we're waiting for, exactly. I mean, if he's hiding, how are we going to know when it's safe for you to go home?"

"Do you want me out already?" He raised an eyebrow at Micah.

"Nope. But I only have enough clothes for you until Saturday. Sooner or later, Dunie, you're going to have to decide on what you want to do with the loft -- keep it or give it up."

"Yeah, yeah," Dune muttered, and tried to distract him with a kiss.

"And there's your job and therapy --"

"I don't want to think about that."

"I know. But you'll have to at some point."

"It's not that point yet, so don't bug me about it, please. I don't know what good therapy will do for me anyway. I feel fine."

"Okay," Micah said, deciding not to press it.

Micah knew he was going to have to insist Dune make a decision, no matter how much Dune resisted it. The paper would be understanding for only so long, and his landlord would still want rent on the first, no matter what else was going on. But Dune didn't want to leave the apartment except to go to Leo's, he ignored his computer and he seemed to be spending a lot of time staring out the window.

"I understand depression," Micah said to Stuart. "I really do. I think we've all had it at some point in our lives. But inertia's not going to help."

Stuart pondered as he packed his clothes. He'd been back and forth between England and California many times already this year, and it was time to go home again. He said at last, "If his inertia persists for too long, perhaps we should give him a push. But it hasn't been very long. He may yet surprise us."

"And what about Gavin? We can't just sit here and wait for him to show up again."

"I think," Stuart said, "we'll know what to do when he surfaces again." He zipped his suitcase and kissed Micah's forehead. "Be good. And if you can't be good, be memorable."

"Yes, Stuart," Micah said, and hugged him tight.

Frances also said to give Dune time. "He's always been sensitive. When he was a child he'd come home crying if someone was cruel to him at school. He's got a very tender heart."

Micah knew that. Micah knew better than anyone else that Dune was not dealing with this well, that he was afraid to leave the apartment, that he didn't want to see a therapist or go back to work. Micah knew that his own heart was breaking a little each day because Dune needed help that he didn't know how to give.

"All you can do is love him," Jamie said. "I know it's not what you want to hear. I know you want a magical solution that will make everything better, but there isn't one."

"But if he was depressed because he missed me, why is he still depressed now?"

Jamie looked at him a moment and said, "I think there's a lot more going on than that."

"I don't understand any of this," Micah said, and went home to check on Dune.

Just love him, everyone said, just give him time; so Micah put aside his own impatience and did just that, as best he could.

***

Kitty's first birthday was in April, so Rebecca invited Shiloh and Micah and whoever they wanted to bring to Santa Cruz for a picnic at the beach. Micah picked up cupcakes from the Gallaghers' bakery, and Dune bought her a play computer for toddlers. "I think Uncle Dune's her favorite," Rebecca said with a laugh as Kitty pounded the keys and made startled faces as the computer mooed and meowed at her.

When the baby was asleep under the beach umbrella, worn out with cake and excitement, everyone but Micah and Rebecca went for a walk down by the water line. Rebecca patted Kitty's back and watched the waves, leaning her head on her knee. "Is it just me," she said, "or are Aidan and Shiloh kind of . . . quiet today?"

"It's not just you," Micah said. "I wonder if they had a fight."

"I think she would have told me if they did." She looked at Micah, still resting her cheek on her knee. "And how's Dune doing? He's been pretty quiet, too."

Micah shook his head, pressing the big square buttons on the computer. "It was a good sign that he wanted to come today. He hardly ever leaves the apartment."

"I'm glad we forced him out."

"Yeah, he loves Kitty." He turned off the computer and put it down. "Becca...what am I going to do? I need to help him and I don't know how."

She bit her lip a moment. "Sweetie...sometimes when somebody's depressed there's nothing to do but wait, if he refuses to get help. But look." She nodded to the group down the beach: Aidan and Shiloh holding hands, Dune and Justin walking a yard or so behind them. "He's talking to Justin. Maybe Justin will say the right thing. He does that sometimes."

"Yeah." He leaned against her. "But what if he doesn't? What if I can't help Dune at all? What if I lose him, Becca?" His eyes stung and he blinked them hard a few times.

Rebecca stopped patting Kitty to put both her arms around him. "I wish I could say for certain you're not going to lose him, but it's not up to you. It's up to him. He has to decide to get better. He has to decide to get help. He might do it at first to make you happy, but in the end it has to be for him, for his own reasons."

Micah nodded and bit his thumbnail and then looked up at her. "What was your reason?"

Rebecca exhaled. "Wow," she said after a moment.

"I'm right, aren't I? You lashed out because you were depressed?"

"No." Rebecca picked up Kitty and cradled her to her chest, and Micah smiled, touched by the way Kitty's body curled so comfortably against her. "I wasn't depressed. I was pissed. I was pissed as hell. Though Justin says depression is anger that's not allowed to express itself, so maybe you're a little right."

"Tell me," Micah said. "Please tell me. All this time, I've never really understood what happened."

Rebecca stroked her palm up and down Kitty's back, but with the baby sleeping Micah thought the motion was more to soothe herself than Kitty. "Have you ever noticed," she said quietly, "that you and Shiloh look a lot alike, but I don't look like either of you?"

"You have Mom's chin and nose, just like Shiloh and me."

"Yeah," Rebecca said, "but I don't look like Dad, do I?"

Micah studied her face. He'd never really thought about it, but he could see it now: Rebecca's face was long and narrow, where Shiloh's and his own were more heart-shaped. And her eyes were hazel-green, while the four of them had blue eyes. And the freckles -- neither he nor Shiloh had freckles.

"You don't," he said quietly. "You don't look like Dad at all."

"Yeah." She looked out at the ocean. "That's because Dad's not my father."

Micah looked at her, and then away. "Oh," he said, at a loss.

"When I was fifteen I compared their marriage certificate and my birth certificate and...she was about two months along when they got married. And I thought, well, they're just hypocrites, they had sex before they were married and just passed me off as premature. But then we did this thing in biology class about dominant and recessive genes, and I didn't fit. You and Shiloh, you fit, and I was sitting there in biology class and I realized that I didn't fit in the pattern because I wasn't in the pattern. There had to be somebody else."

Micah swallowed. "You never asked her?"

"Never," Rebecca said. "I tried. I could never get the words out. I don't even want to know who he is anymore -- what I really want to know is what she said to Dad to get him to marry her? Did he know, before? Did he care? Did he marry her to save her? And you know what I think?"

"What?" Micah said, slowly rubbing her arm.

"I think he loves her, but he's never forgiven her." She paused and cooed to Kitty, who had started to stir and whimper. When the baby had calmed she said, "All those years I thought he was so hard on me because I was the oldest and had to be the example. But when I realized the truth about it all, I realized he was so hard on me because he didn't want me to be like Mom." She took a breath. "So, no, it wasn't depression, not exactly. It was an identity crisis, coupled with learning my parents are only human." She looked at Micah and poked him with her foot. "Say something."

"I love you," Micah said, "and you're always going to be my sister."

"Good." She smiled uncertainly.

"And they're not perfect. But they're our parents and they love us, and if you come to them and tell them --"

"Have you told them you're gay yet?" she said.

Micah scowled. "No."

"If you tell them you're gay, I'll tell them..." Her voice trailed off. "I'll tell them I don't hate them."

"That's a start." Micah put his finger in Kitty's fist, and she gripped it tight even in her sleep. "I know I'm going to have to tell them the truth someday. I'm just not ready. It may mean saying goodbye to them forever and I can't do that."

"I know. But you'll always have us."

Micah smiled and kissed Kitty's fist and then waved to Dune when he saw the others were heading back their way.

That night in bed, Micah laid his head on Dune's back and stroked his spine, thinking. He could feel Dune breathing slowly under his cheek and he slid his hand around to Dune's stomach to stroke there. Dune pressed himself closer to Micah's chest. "I thought you were sleeping," Micah whispered.

"Nope. Not yet." He put his hand on top of Micah's. "What's on your mind?"

"Secrets," Micah said. "What they do to relationships and to people and to families. I've got so many."

"I think I know them all, sweetheart."

"No." Micah shook his head. "You don't. Are you going to forgive me for this one?"

"Does it involve you being a Columbian drug lord?"

Micah snorted and butted his head against Dune's shoulder. "Dork. Of course not. It's Stuart." He took a deep breath, feeling Dune inhale under his hand. "I slept with Stuart in France." Dune still didn't speak, and Micah went on, "He offered to get me a job in London or Paris, whichever I wanted. I almost took him up on it, but I didn't want somebody to take care of me."

"I know," Dune said, and Micah sat up.

"You know?"

Dune sat up too and turned to face him. "He told me at the cabin."

"Oh." Micah let his head drop. "Is that why you let me go? So I could be with Stuart if I wanted to?"

Dune took Micah by his shoulders and kissed him. "I let you go because you said it hurt to love me."

"I'm over that now," Micah said, moving into Dune’s lap because that was his favorite place to be. "It doesn't hurt anymore." He nudged his mouth against Dune's lips. "It feels pretty good, actually."

"Good," Dune whispered into his mouth, "that's good."

When they paused and Dune buried his face in Micah's neck, Micah stroked his back and whispered, "So we're okay? You're okay with that?"

"If that's the worst secret you've got we're doing just fine."

"Oh, Dunie, that's not even the half of it," Micah said. He traced Dune's shoulder. "But the rest can wait. Will you tell me something?"

"Sure," Dune said, uncertainty in his tone.

Micah took a breath. "Why Gavin?"

"Because," Dune said after a moment, "because sometimes you just want something familiar."

"I don't believe that." Dune sighed, and Micah said, "You knew what he was. What he is. You knew that, and you're a smart guy, and how many people have you told over the years to get out of a bad relationship? Dozens. More than that. So how did it happen, Dune? What happened?"

Dune was quiet for a long time, and Micah stroked his face and tried to look into his eyes while he waited. Finally Dune said, "I don't know. Maybe I'm not as smart as I want people to think I am. Maybe when it comes to my own shit, I'm completely clueless." He leaned his forehead against Micah's. "Maybe...deep down, I felt I deserved it. Hurting my best friend so much he couldn't even look at me."

"Dune?" Micah whispered, and Dune looked up at him. "You didn't deserve that."

Dune smiled and nodded and closed his eyes. "You know what my biggest fear is? Has been since I was a kid?"