Silent Scars (Surviving #4) (30 page)

Fuck.

“Okay,” she whispered. Her voice was so utterly broken my heart cracked.

When she sat on the bed, she refused to give me eye contact. She pulled her glasses off and gently placed them beside the bed. When she scooted back and lay before me, waiting for me, I wanted to howl. I hoped my next words were going to break through the shell she’d erected because my bluff had come to an end. I couldn’t do this. It was fucking agony.

My dick wasn’t even hard. I had no interest in fucking her this way. I held my hand over my zipper, making it abundantly clear I wouldn’t be getting naked.

“On your knees,” I instructed with no emotion in my voice.

Her gaze snapped to mine. The confusion was almost cute. “Why?”

“I don’t face
clients
while I fuck them.” I shrugged.

“Why?” Her voice was thick with emotion.

I tilted my head to the side and looked at her like she was an idiot. “Because it disgusts me.”

When her face crumpled and she curled onto her side sobbing, I wanted to cry out with relief.

“I’m sorry,” she hiccupped over and over again as loud agonising cries filled the room. I crawled onto the bed, and she immediately scrambled away from me.

“I don’t want to. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t want...
that.
I’m sorry.” Tears streamed down her face, her lips swollen and trembling. I gripped her ankle and pulled her towards me. She sat up immediately, and I hated the horror on her face. When she was close enough, I wrapped my hand around the back of her neck and held her firmly.

“The bastard has gone. He came out to play to bring my girl home. You’re here so don’t ever put me through that again, Aloura.” My voice was firm but laced with so much emotion I knew she understood.

“I’m sorry. You must hate me,” she sobbed. Her hands balled into fists, and I knew she was fighting the need to touch me because I was having the same battle.

“My feelings for you are so far from hate right now,” I said honestly as I placed a kiss on her forehead. “I need you to touch me, sweetheart. I need to hold you and keep you safe. You’ve been locking me out for weeks, and I can’t let you do that anymore. It hurts too fucking much.”

She wrapped her arms around my back and snuggled into my chest. Crying fiercely against me. Her entire body was trembling. She was sobbing so hard her breath stalled. I cooed and soothed her as she expelled all the pain and rage over everything that had happened. I wasn’t an idiot. I knew Harry’s rejection was hurting her most of all.

We would deal with all that shit later. Right now all I cared about was that my woman was back in my arms – where she belonged.

Shame was a devious thing. It exploded inside you and didn't let you rest. I had cried myself into exhaustion in Ryan’s arms after obliterating any ounce of trust he had in me. The abusive vile things I said to him were engrained in my mind. Why he had wanted to even speak to me, let alone comfort me afterwards, baffled me.

I had offered to
pay
him for sex!

I groaned and buried my face in the space between us. Ryan was still sleeping beside me, his arms around me, but his hold had loosened somewhat as he’d fallen deeper in sleep.

“Is my morning breath that bad?”

I lifted my head at the sound of his sexy gruff voice. When sleepy blue eyes met mine, I wanted to cry all over again. How could I intentionally hurt him?

“I’m sorry,” I uttered truthfully. But no matter how many times I said it, it never seemed enough. I didn't believe it would ever be enough. To have gained someone’s trust and then thrown it back at them was unforgivable.

“Hey,” he rasped, cupping my cheek. “It’s okay.”

“It isn’t though. Ryan, I betrayed you. I never thought I could be
that
cruel. But I was.”

“Yeah, you were.”

I dipped my chin and tried to hide. But Ryan wouldn’t let me. He was going to make me face this head on.

“It was cruel, because Aloura, you have to know how much you mean to me. And you offered something I couldn’t take. For you to be standing in front of me but so completely lost to me was killing me. Your words hurt. I won’t lie. But the pain you were going through for all that shit to come out was ripping me apart.”

“I just...” I paused because what possible explanation could I offer?

“Tell me. Talk to me.”

“Herc was my baby. I know he was a dog, but he was my little pal. We did everything together. He had his own personality.” My voice broke, and I choked on the emotion I had tried so hard to hide.

“I know. I kinda miss the furry rat too.”

I gave him a watery smile as tears rolled down my cheeks.

“Harry’s arrest and then his rejection was just too much for me to handle. I still don’t believe he has anything to do with it. But last night he wouldn’t even look at me. He’s my best friend, Ryan, and he looked straight through me like I no longer existed to him.”

“He was protecting you. That man would kiss the ground you walk on. It fucking pained him to leave you last night.”

Ryan’s words shocked me, but mostly they offered a little comfort.

“I don’t know what I wanted. I guess, not to feel so alone. I know you don’t...” I paused and Ryan waited patiently for me to continue. “I know you don’t do intimacy, but I just wanted a piece of you, and I was willing to take whatever I could have last night. But even you didn’t want me.”

“By offering to
pay
me?”

“Oh God.” I groaned, finally avoiding his grasp and burying my face in my hands. “I wanted to prove that I was one of them. Those women who can have sex without emotion. That you wouldn’t be tied to me. I thought it was the only way you would be with me, like that.”

When he chuckled, I looked up at him through my lashes.

“Aloura, paying someone for sex is something different entirely. And having sex with you without emotion would be impossible for me.”

“Then why wouldn’t you...you know?”

“Fuck you?”

I flinched at his blunt words. He brushed the pad of his thumb across my cheek. His blue eyes softened, and I loved that look in his eyes, especially aimed at me.

“If you’re wanting sex without emotion, Aloura, then I'm not your guy. Because when I’m finally inside you, I want you to feel
everything.
Because, sweetheart, I’ll be
giving
you everything. Every piece of me will belong to you. And every piece of you will belong to me.”

I glanced up at him and met those perfect blues. I gazed into the eyes of the man I had completely fallen in love with.

“Can you handle that, tiny dancer?”

“I can.”

“So no more apologies, because let’s face it. I have pushed you away much harder, and you fought like a mother fucker to keep me close. I never said thank you for not letting me go, did I?”

A tear rolled down my cheek. I was so happy my heart was ready to burst.

“Thank you, Aloura, for believing in me and being my champion. My saviour.” He pressed the softest kiss to my lips. “
My
hero.”

My resolve to keep a little distance snapped. I wrapped my arms and legs around him and straddled him like a stallion. Ryan chuckled and rolled onto his back, taking me with him. He cupped my arse and squeezed as I kissed his neck, his chin, his lips – anywhere I could reach, I kissed.

“Make love to me.”

His laughter died, and I tensed, fearing another rejection was coming. But I wouldn’t react. I would simply accept it and wait.

He blinked up at me, his eyes searching mine. I had nothing left to hide so there was no point, I let him see it all.

My love, entirely for him.

She had no idea what she had just asked me was impossible. I couldn’t give her that. This was a torture I hadn’t suffered before, because she was right there, soft and incredibly tempting.

“Ryan?” Her sweet voice echoed in my ears. I closed my eyes and tightened my hold, sliding my hands to her waist.

“I can’t.”

Her body tensed underneath my palms, and I knew she had taken my words the wrong way. Opening my eyes, I was met with a hurt expression. She tried to mask it pretty quickly with a sweet smile, but I’d caught it. She leaned down and pressed her lips to mine.

“I understand.”

God, she was perfect.

“No, you don’t. I can’t because I don’t know how.” My voice quivered with the truth.

She pulled away from me abruptly, removing herself from my body. She sat at the bottom of her bed with her legs crossed and her arms hugging her body. She looked vulnerable with the hurt in her eyes.

“Tell me what you’re thinking, Aloura. I don’t...I’m not good at this.”

“I feel like you’re making fun of me.”

“Why?” I asked, taken back.

“Because we both know you’re more than experienced in the bedroom department. You were a prostitute for God’s sake.” She grimaced and lowered her chin so I couldn’t see her eyes. I shuffled down the bed, pulling her between my legs. I placed my finger under her chin and lifted her face so I could see her.

“Aloura, I hated and I mean hated those times. Sex for me, well, it’s a disgusting means to an end. I’ve never made love to someone. I’ve never felt it in here like I know I should.” I tapped my chest over my heart. “I’ve been used and abused. I’ve never had love. I’ve never held a woman in my arms and wanted to love her. I’ve never known how.”

Her beautiful face crumpled, and she leaned forward, resting her forehead against my chest.

“I’m sorry.”

I threw my head back and focused on the ceiling, not believing I was about to bare the naked truth.

“It scares me. The thought of letting you in, giving you so much.”

Her head lifted, and her chocolate gaze fixed on me.

“Why?”

“Because living without you, Aloura, would be like trying to live under water. I couldn’t survive.” I placed her hand over my heart, knowing she would feel the rapid beat beneath. “My pulse already beats for you. When you smile at me, it races. When you touch me, I become tachycardic. You’ve given me a purpose to breath, and I’m terrified of losing you.”

“You won’t.”

I continued as if she hadn’t spoken because she had to understand.

“I learnt not to be weak, to fight. To block out feelings of pain. I had to, to survive. But you, God you destroy it all. With those gorgeous eyes, that mouth.” I ran my thumb over her bottom lip. “You’re perfection I never allowed myself to dream about. How can I dare to hope you could be mine?”

“I already am yours. Dream or not, I won’t let go.”

“Is this your way of seducing me?” I grinned at her, cupping her creamy cheek.

“No. Sex or not, I am still yours, however you want me.”

I breathed out a heavy breath and pressed my forehead to hers. “You’re a tiny thing but you have the strength of steel.”

“I’m a woman. We’re a fierce breed.” She smiled before pressing her lips to mine. “I just want you, no pressure, no expectations. Just you.”

I lay back against the bed, pulling her on top of me. I kissed to the hollow of her neck.

“Besides, shagging me has to be better than fucking your own fist.” She giggled and pressed her face to the curve of my neck. I could only stare at the ceiling in stunned silence until her laughter infected me, and I guffawed with her, digging my fingers into her sides and tickling her until she squealed and tried to clamber off of me. I rolled us so her body was pinned beneath mine. Her face was radiating happiness. She glowed with it.

“You’re beautiful.”

“So are you,” she breathed, gazing up at me with a look I was too chicken shit to acknowledge.

I pressed my lips to hers softly, savouring her taste. Her breathy moan spurred me on to deepen the kiss, take more. She clutched at my shoulders, fisting the cotton in her hands. Within seconds we were hot and breathing hard as we writhed against one another.

“You undo me,” I whispered as I pressed my lips to her jaw and neck. Kissing her there drove her insane. Her hands moved down to my waist and slid under the hem of my shirt. She held her palms flat against my sides as though the feel of my skin was all she needed. I sat up quickly before I could contemplate it too much and yanked my shirt over my head. Aloura copied my movements and pulled her top off, keeping eye contact with me. I glanced down at her body, taking my fill of her generous curves.

Aloura ran her hands up my arms and over my chest, fingering one of my nipples. Gooseflesh pimpled my torso, and I shivered. A sly grin curved her ruby lips, forcing me to take another taste. But just as I leaned forward needing her mouth, she avoided me and planted her warm lips over my heart. She peppered kisses over my skin, dipping lower to flick her tongue against my nipple. I’d never had that done before, and I loved it. I cupped the back of her head, fisting my hand in her hair and pulling her away so I could taste those lips. I thrust my tongue into her mouth, groaning in pleasure when she eagerly matched me. The force of our passion had us tumbling back down onto the mattress. I nestled my hips  snugly between her thighs, immediately feeling the heat of her pussy. My dick responded with need.

I rolled my hips into her, pressing down and loving the friction and her moans. Sliding my hand underneath her to cup her ass, I pulled her to me as I pushed against her. I was dry humping her, but Christ, she felt amazing. My hands flexed, needing to feel more of her. I had a violent desperation for her. Plunging my tongue deep into her mouth, I tried to convey my need for her. She clawed at my back, running her hands frantically over my skin. Her legs were up and around my waist, clinging to me.

“Aloura,” I gasped before kissing my way down her neck, her chest, and finally taking one tight lace covered nipple into my mouth. She went crazy, scratching at my back and fisting her hand in my hair. I slipped my hand between us and curled my fingers inside the lace of her bra cup and pulled, revealing rosy nipples.

“Perfect.” I moaned before covering it with my mouth, taking it between my teeth and nipping until Aloura squirmed.

“Ryan, please.”

“What do you want, baby?” I asked before sucking hard on a tight point.

“Oh God.” She arched into me, pushing her body against me.

I placed my hands either side of her head and held my body above her. She snarled at me and reached out to pull me back. 

“Tell me,” I demanded.

“Ryan.”

I cupped both her breasts firmly. “Do you want my hands here?” She opened her mouth to answer, but I moved, taking one of my hands and sliding it into her panties, cupping her pussy. Jesus the lace was soaked and so fucking warm.

“Ryan,” she gasped, pushing into my hand. I loved her breathy moans. My dick was pushing insistently against the zipper of my pants. The bastard wanted out.

“What do you need, tiny dancer. Tell me.” I pressed my mouth against her neck and sucked on the sensitive skin.

“You. I need you.”

I pushed the lace aside, needing to feel her heat against my fingers. Her clit was calling to me. I slid my finger into her wet warmth and groaned. She was a greedy girl.

“Your pussy is so fucking tight.” I slid another finger inside of her, going out of my mind at her desperate moans. “My cock is desperate to feel this.”

“Oh God.”

I hooked my arm around her back and rolled us so she was on top. I grabbed one of her hands and held it against my dick.

“See what you do to me.” I held her hand against me and thrust against her. She gripped me, squeezing as I fucked her hand through my pants. I curled my fingers inside her, bringing another moan from her. I released her hand and cupped the back of her head, needing to kiss her. I fucked her mouth with my tongue. I groaned when her nimble fingers worked at my zipper. She freed me and her skin against my sensitive cock nearly had me exploding in her hand.

“This belongs to me now, Mr Senior,” she whispered against my ear, kissing, licking and nipping my neck. “Does it taste as delicious as the rest of you?” she uttered before working her sexy body down mine. Aloura moved with such sensual grace it was like watching a choreographed dance. Her nails scraped down my torso, causing a hot burn on my skin. She paused her movements to unbuckle my pants. She yanked them down to my thighs, taking my boxers, freeing my demanding cock.

I was a prisoner to her gaze as she watched me watching her. Her pink tongue darted out, over those luscious ruby lips to lick the tip. I cursed and threw my head back into the pillow, growling as her warm tongue lavished me.

“Fuck, Aloura. Fuck, it’s too much.” I was sixteen the last time a woman had her mouth on me. I fisted my hand in her hair, intending to pull her from me. But I was rendered immobile when her lips circled my cock and took me into her mouth.

I’d reached fucking heaven. I gripped her hair and rocked my hips, filling her mouth. She teased the tip before sucking deep. When she gagged, I pulled at her hair. I didn’t want her to feel she had to do that shit.

“Aloura.” I moaned when she cupped my balls, licking at the tip like a fucking snow cone. “Baby.”

I was going to come, and I really didn’t want to yet. I curled my hands under her arms and pulled her up my body and covered her mouth with mine. She tasted of me. I used my hands to push our remaining clothing off our legs until we were both naked.

Rolling us so I was again on top of her, I looked at us. My darker skin against her flawless creamy skin. My cock was nestled between us. I thrust against her, watching as it slid through her folds. She tilted her hips, giving me a better view. Her hand slid between us. She covered my dick with her fist, rubbing me against her clit. I glanced up at her. She had her head thrown back, eyes closed, mouth open as she pleasured herself.

I’d never seen anything more beautiful.

I reached over and grabbed a condom. Manoeuvring so I could stay connected to her but had both hands free. I pressed against her knees to widen them. I was transfixed by my cock sliding over her pussy.

“You look fucking amazing with my dick on you.”

Her legs were twitching, and I knew with the gentle mewls she was almost there. I thrust again and pushed two fingers inside her at the same time. Her hold on me tightened, and she pressed against me, rolling her hips faster. She made gasped, choked sounds and lifted a hand to squeeze her nipple.

I wrapped my cock just as she whimpered out the start of her orgasm, and thrust inside her hard. She cried out and clutched at my shoulders. Her eyes widened, and she held her breath. I could feel her pulsing around me. Tightening. I buried my face in her neck and moved within her.

She panted out a choked breath, her orgasm sucking at me.

“Holy hell,” she gasped and clung to me as I thrust inside her.

I lifted up so I could watch her. Holding myself above her, I slowed my pace and savoured her.

Loving her.

An achy pain radiated through my chest as I watched her. She was so beautiful. And she had just given me such a gift. As if she could feel the turmoil beginning within me, she cupped my cheek and smiled.

I pressed my forehead against hers, unable to speak. A firework of epic proportions had just exploded inside me. Aloura Cavendish had completely claimed me body and soul. I closed my eyes when I felt an unfamiliar stinging at the backs of my eyes. I gripped at her shoulders, pushing inside her so deep. I needed to feel everything. I never wanted her to let me go.

“Never leave me,” I begged, my voice cracking.

“I swear it.”

My hold was damn near punishing, but I couldn’t let go. I was going to hurt her. My stomach twisted at the thought. Almost like she could hear my thoughts, she gripped at me just as desperately. Stabbing at my skin with her nails.

“I’m here,” she whispered against my ear. And those words released a tornado of emotions within me. “I’m here,” she whispered again, pressing a kiss against my temple.