Shattered Rose (37 page)

I approached him slowly, not wanting to ruin the opportunity I had been given
, and knelt in front of him so that I could be face to face with him. There was a single tear running down his cheek, and he looked surprised when our eyes made contact with one another.  He didn’t recoil like I expected him to, but waited, looking intently at me.

“Hi,” I said softly, but he didn’t respond. I wasn’t surprised…small talk was not what he wanted from me.

I took a deep breath, wondering how I could have forgotten all the words I rehearsed over and over. Instead of panicking, I just sighed and spoke directly from my heart.

“If I had realized when I met you that you intended to turn my world upside down, I may have tried a little harder to resist all your charm,” I began, trying to lighten the mood a little. He didn’t move, but I knew he was listening. “I know I hurt you and believe me, I don’t think anyone on earth is angrier at me than I am. But in some ways, I’m glad last night happened, because it woke me up and made me face things that I had been denying for years. The biggest one being that I am a complete mess. Half the time I don’t know what I want or who I am or even why I’m here at Winsor. But you, you never cared if I had all those things figured out. It didn’t matter if it was a good day or bad day
, or if life had me so messed up I couldn’t see straight, because you loved me.  It didn’t make sense to me, and with each passing day I started to wonder when the ax was going to fall, because I knew at any moment, you would wake up and see how wrong you were. But that day never seemed to come, and even when I exposed all my demons, you didn’t run away, but pursued harder, wanting even more of me.  I grew up in a house of pretenders, and you wouldn’t let me pretend with you. It terrified me…so much so that I did the only thing I know how to do…and that is run.”

I stopped for only a moment so I could catch my breath as I felt the tears start to find their way down my cheeks. I knew I was about it lay it all on the line, and the fear I had conquered earlier tried to slip back in. I pressed on, though, knowing I had to say it.

“Parker, I love you, and I have for a really long time. I’ve just been too afraid to admit it, too afraid to be that honest and vulnerable with someone. But, I get it now. I prayed today for the first time and finally understand what you’ve been talking about. I finally see that I am worthy to be loved and that I don’t have be perfect because Christ is perfect. I don’t know what all that entails, but I know I want to take that journey with you. I know I messed up, and I deserve to lose you, but if there is any way you will let me try and earn your trust again, I am begging for that second chance. I’m going all in, with you and with Christ, not holding anything back this time, I promise.”

He still hadn’t moved, and I sat there shaking, but kept to my word and didn’t pull back. If he
was going to reject me, at least I would know that I gave it everything I had. I reached out to touch his cheek and said the words again. “I love you, Parker. Please, please…forgive me for being so blind.”

His embrace happened so fast it almost knocked me over as I felt elation penetrate every part of my being. His arms were strong and safe, and I knew I belonged there for the rest of my life.

He cupped my face and pulled back just enough to look in my eyes. “You’re all in?” he questioned, making sure he had heard me right.

I smiled, my eyes conveying all the love and faith I had in him. “I’m all in.”

He smiled back and in his eyes, I saw he had forgiven me. “You never lost me,” he said sweetly as he wiped the tears from my face. “You just had to finally open your eyes before you could find me.”

I hugged him again as tight as I could. He pulled me back and then kissed me gently, his warm lips sealing what I think I’d always known since the first night his hand held mine, that I would love this man for the rest of my life. 

“And Avery…” he stated after we pulled apart. “We’re changing your locks immediately.”

I started laughing as I nodded in agreement, embracing him even tighter than before.

It was as if my life had converged to this one moment. Christ had loved me unconditionally, giving himself to me fully before I was even ready to return it. Through that love, I was able to see in myself a person worth loving, a person who was worth leaving behind destructive people and behaviors to pursue a life of freedom and promise. I no longer was going to find my value in what others thought of me. Parker had shown me my value in Christ; and as we sat there holding on to each other, I could honestly say, for the first time ever, that I believed him.

epilogue

I laid quietly on the grass, soaking up the May sun as I waited for Parker to meet me there after his last final. Mine had been done for days, and to my joy, I had managed to pull the 4.0 GPA required to get off probation. I had also found my second love…structures. I spent the last three months in the structures department helping graduate students work on building multiple things for
state-wide competitions. Our latest project was a canoe, and I’m proud to say that ours was one of only ten that actually stayed above water the entire race. Dr. Davis was thrilled.

It had also been four months since my last episode. I almost expected to never be tempted again once I became a Christian, but that wasn’t the case. The temptations were still there. The lies I had believed for so long still lingered, but it no longer felt hopeless, and I knew one day God would deliver me from this…in His timing.  More than anything, I knew that secrets were tools the enemy used to keep me in bondage, so I tried my best to tell Parker every time I was tempted. I also promised to tell him if I ever again had an episode. Honesty meant freedom…I knew that now.

Parker had encouraged me to start seeing a counselor on campus, and she was really helping me find alternate means of coping when life started to feel stressful and out of control. I also learned that dieting only exasperated my problem and found volume control was the best deterrent I had for binging. I chuckled to myself as I thought of the goodbye ceremony I had for my scale. It was my counselor’s idea, and I have to say not a day goes by that I’m not thrilled I finally chucked that thing. It had held me captive for way too long.

A shadow crept over my face and I knew without looking that it was Parker. I pulled him close for a lingering kiss, knowing each day I fell more and more in love with him.

“How was it?” I asked enthusiastically, so glad we would both finally be done and could get the summer started. We had planned a month long road trip that included stops at both our parents’ houses.

“I survived,” he said as he pulled me up off the grass. “I kept getting distracted by thoughts of you!”

“Me? Well, I won’t complain,” I teased as I threw my arms around his neck to kiss him.

He smiled back at me and then looked a little nervous. He pulled me in for one more kiss and then started, “Avery, you know I love you. I have since the first time I saw you. And every day we spend together, I am more and more sure that we are meant to be together forever. You inspire me and make me want to be a better person not just for myself, but also for you, so I can be the kind of man you will love for a lifetime. The thing is, I’m impatient, and I want that lifetime to start now, so…”

My breath caught as I watched him drop to his knee and pull out a small black box. “Avery Elizabeth Nichols, will you do me the honor of walking through this crazy world with me, allowing me to love and adore you for the rest of our lives?”

I didn’t need even a second to respond. “Yes,” I answered without hesitation. “Only if you let me love and adore you right back.”

He pulled out the ring, a small round diamond on a delicate gold band, and placed it on my finger. The students who had witnessed our display began to clap as Parker swung me around and kissed me, his enthusiasm apparent to everyone around us.

“I love you,” he said with a grin, staring deep in my eyes. “With everything I am.”

“I love you, too,” I whispered back.

1. Memories

Seven years earlier…

I kissed my father’s cheek as I slid out of the passenger side of his black Mercedes. “Bye Daddy!” I beamed, sending him a small wave.

“Don’t forget about dinner. I’ll be here at six sharp to pick you up. I have a big surprise for you tonight.” He seemed excited and my heart soared at the prospect. “Be sure to wear your new shoes,” he continued with a wink.

“Of course! I don’t plan to ever take these off.” I giggled as I admired my new present. They were the first pair of heels I had been allowed to wear…a gift saved for my thirteenth birthday. The high-end shoes had cost a small fortune, but Daddy said it was worth it to see the smile on my face. Jessica would be insanely jealous when I wore them to school on Monday, and I grinned knowing I would enjoy every second of it. Maybe Tucker Murphy would notice them too and finally ask me to the spring dance in two weeks. He had been hanging around my locker lately, and I was sure he intentionally ran his fingers over my bottom, although he claimed it was an accident.

“Happy birthday, sweetie, I’ll see you tonight,” my dad called through his open window as he headed down the drive.

I couldn’t wait until tonight! Daddy had been hinting to his big surprise all day, and I was sure he was going to tell me that he and my mom were getting back together.  He had been coming over several days a week for the last month, and Mom even started getting that sparkle back in her eyes. This morning when he picked me up, they had retreated to her bedroom for over an hour, and her face had been flushed when they came out. I may be young, but I was old enough to know that was a good sign.

“Mom!” I called as I shut the front door. “Where are you? You have to see my new shoes!” She wasn’t in the living room where she usually sat reading a book, nor was she out in the back yard working on the garden. I ran upstairs to my room and threw the rest of my bags on the bed. The pink flower pattern clashed with the blue from my bags and I noticed how clean my room looked. Mom must have been in there this morning because everything was perfectly in order, right down to my fuzzy pink and purple rug that had earlier been covered with the latest Teen magazines.

“Mom!” I yelled again, running down the stairs. She hated when I yelled across the house, but I didn’t care. I was irritated with her. Not only was she not waiting for me when I got home, but she had been in my room when I specifically asked her not to go in there.

I stormed though her bedroom door and took note of her pristinely made bed. Fresh flowers had also been cut and placed in every available vase around her room. Wow, she really must have been in a cleaning mood this morning.