Shattered Rose (32 page)

He pulled me to himself, shaking his head the whole time. He began to kiss my forehead and moved on to kiss both my cheeks and finally my lips before sternly saying, “I don’t ever want to hear you say that again. And a pause is out of the question. You’re not getting rid of me without a fight.” He held me tighter and I stopped fighting him, allowing myself to return his hold. I was so selfish and weak. I knew I needed to release him, to let him have a life free of
me and my self-destructive behavior, but I just couldn’t do it.

Finally, he stood up and pulled me up with him. We grabbed our things and started walking toward the library.

“I don’t want to study there today. I just don’t feel like it. Could we study at your place and then just hang out for a while?” I asked giving him a pleading look. I would have offered mine, but I was not taking any chances with Jake still having a key.

“Sure,” he said laughing, but I could tell there was still sadness in his eyes. Our talk had affected him more than I thought it would, and it became more and more apparent as the night went on. He seemed more affectionate than usual, which was hard to be for Parker and k
ept his hand on me at all times. He seemed to be reassuring himself I was still there. The most distance we got was when we were studying. I had convinced him to let us go to his room since his roommate, Randy, was watching TV, and I couldn’t concentrate.

I had sat on his bed with my study system fully set up and he was shuffling papers on his desk. I finished all my work in forty-five minutes and just lingered there smiling as I watched him try to be quiet and concentrate. He looked especially handsome tonight, and I couldn’t help but watch as his muscles tensed through his t-shirt. Without thinking
, I walked over to him and rubbed the back of his head as I sat on his lap facing him. I started kissing him before he could protest, and it didn’t take much before he reciprocated with all the emotion we had both felt earlier in the day.

I slid my sweatshirt off which left only my tank top underneath. I wasn’t wearing a bra, and the impact on Parker was even more significant than I thought it would be. He started kissing my neck and even moved down to the neckline of my tank. I felt him tense as he whispered, “Avery, we can’t...”

“Shhh, just a little longer,” I pleaded taking his mouth in mine again. I needed this tonight, needed this closeness to help make sense of everything I was feeling.

His willpower waned some more as he lifted me on to the bed. His body covered mine and I took the opportunity to explore every inch of his body until he grabbed my hand and held it in his as he continued to kiss me.

Slowly, the kisses became less hungry and more tender as he once again regained control of the situation. He pulled me up to the sitting position, still tenderly kissing my lips and helped me put my sweatshirt back on.

I sighed when he suggested we go watch some TV and followed him out of the room. He continued to keep me close the rest of the night and didn’t say a word about our study session until he walked me to the car.

I unlocked the door and turned to say goodbye when I felt his hungry lips capture mine. He backed me against the car and I felt my whole body catch on fire. After just a minute, he pulled back, but the look of desire in his eyes was startling.

“I’m not perfect, Avery, so don’t think that wasn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. But…you’re worth waiting for. And today, especially, it just felt wrong,” he said softly with a rasp in his voice.

I knew he was right. I was trying to avoid the emotional intimacy I was still unwilling to give him. It wasn’t fair to either one of us.

“You’re right,” I agreed as I kissed him one last time before getting in my car. He watched until I was out of sight and then I took advantage of the next stop sign to text Jake to let him know I didn’t need him to stay over anymore now that
Issy was ok. He replied with a sad face and an “ok.”

I felt relieved as I drove home, but
the feeling was short-lived because Jake was already situated on the couch when I walked in my apartment. He stood up defensively when he saw the look on my face and explained, “I was already here when I got your text, so I just wanted to see you before I left.”

I turned and locked the door and set my backpack on the table, trying my best to avoid eye contact with him. “Jake, what happened the other night
can’t...”

“Cant happen again. I understand,” he said quickly interrupting me mid sentence. “We both had a little too much to drink, and it crossed the line, I know. Just friends…I haven’t forgotten.”

I walked into the kitchen to get a drink, and he leaned on the counter to ask about my day. I filled him in on the mad dash to the lab that morning and made fun of both my engineering professors. He shared his day with me too, and it was nice to just relax and laugh with him without all the usual tension between us. He made Issy’s absence seem less staggering, and by the time he left I was actually grateful he had come by.

The next day I made sure to be five minutes early to the lab, and Russell was there again, mostly to check up on me I think. He seemed pleased by my punctuality and didn’t stay too long. My
three classes for the day were easy enough, and I didn’t even feel tired when I found Parker in the library that afternoon.

“Hey!” he said with a smile when I sat down. He leaned across the table and gave me a kiss hello. “How was your day?”

“It was good. Nothing really to report.” I hadn’t told him that I was late to the lab on Monday, so it seemed stupid to mention that I was on time today. “My Technical Writing class is going to be a breeze. What about you?”

“Ugh…and that doesn’t even begin to describe it. My Tuesday, Thursday classes are miserable this semester. What’s worse, they both include one-hour labs,” he answered wrinkling up his nose. He seemed to be a little more relaxed with me today, which was good.

“Well, you know how much I love lab work. Sounds fun.” The sarcasm was dripping from my voice, and he laughed, knowing my hatred for it.

When he stopped, he finally noticed I hadn’t pulled out any of my books. “Aren’t you going to study?” he asked confused.

“Not really. I got everything done in the lab this morning. I just wanted to come by and say hi.”

He seemed disappointed and surprised. Last semester I always stayed with him even if I was finished for the day. For some reason today, though, I just wanted to get home.

“Is everything ok?” he asked with a weary voice.

“Of course,” I assured him. “You just haven’t seen me in school without being covered head to toe in stress.”

He looked at me questionably and then sighed, “Can I come by when I’m finished?”

I wanted to say yes, but worried once again that Jake might just show up. Parker saw my hesitation and looked visibly hurt.

“I’m going into Asheville to do some shopping today, so why don’t you just call me when you’re done and we can meet up.” I threw it out there a little too quickly and it didn’t sound convincing, even to me.

“You’re doing it again,” he said sadly as he looked intently at me.

“Please don’t read into this, Parker. We spent so much time in the library last semester. I’m just a little tired of constantly studying. I know you have to, and that’s ok. I’ll just meet you later.” I started to stand and grabbed my backpack. He stood too and walked around the table to take my hand.

“How is it possible that I’m looking right at you, but still miss you so much?” he questioned in a resigned tone. I couldn’t figure out why he was so hurt. I just didn’t want to study, that’s all. He was making me frustrated and irritable.

“I don’t know why you are getting so upset about this,” I replied exasperated.

He took my other hand in his and looked at me the way he always did, making me feel loved, yet this time I felt guilty all at the same time.

“You’re not here with me, Avery. I can sense it. You’re holding back again and honestly, I’m still a little haunted by our conversation yesterday. I just want to spend time with you.”

I sighed and touched his face. “And we’ll see each other tonight. I promise.” I gave him a quick peck on the lips and turned to leave. I saw his head drop as he sat back down to study.  My stomach turned knowing I was the cause of his pain, but it wasn’t enough to make me turn around and stay. I pushed through the big library doors and sucked cool air into my lungs. The feeling of suffocation was finally starting to leave my body, and I turned to go home, keeping my eyes averted from the spot that Parker and I usually shared.

Halfway through campus, I heard my name being called behind me. I turned around to see Jake jogging to catch up.

“Hey,” he panted with his hands on his knees. “Wow, that was harder than I thought it would be.
Whatcha up to?”

“I’m just going to get my car and head into Asheville. I’m feeling the need to get off campus for a little while,” I explained watching him pant. It was mildly amusing.

“Want some company?” he asked as we started back walking towards my apartment.

“Sure,” I agreed a little too eagerly. I then remembered that Parker was going to meet me later. “I can only hang out for a little while. Parker’s supposed to meet me when he’s done.”

“Sounds good. Come on, I’m parked at your place anyway,” he said with a grin. Somehow he had managed to get his hands on a housing parking pass. I didn’t ask how.

“So, did you make it to the lab this morning without my bad influence?” he asked as we walked, taking the opportunity to nudge me with his shoulder. I started laughing and nodded, telling him about Russell still checking up on me. I went on to tell him all about my other classes and was surprised how much I had to say when just minutes ago I had felt blank with Parker.

All the lines were blurring and nothing made sense anymore. I used to feel nothing but comfort and peace around Parker, and now I just felt so guilty every time I saw him that all I wanted was to run away. With Jake, I could just pretend that every thing was fine and not have to deal with all the drama. He wasn’t asking me every five minutes to open up to him and it felt nice to have all my emotions safely tucked away in my head.

I looked up at him while we walked and he shot me his signature smile, making me turn away blushing. Somehow he had done it, made me forget all the heartache and pain I used to feel whenever he was around.

“
Lord, I pray that you will bring to light what is hidden in the darkness and expose the motives of the heart. I pray that she sees you have set her free so that she can stand firm and never again be burdened with the yoke of slavery…”

21. caught

Parker met me at the coffee shop by the river just after eight and apologized profusely for it taking him so long. I assured him it was no problem and began rubbing his back as he sat down. He still seemed stressed and tense, and I felt for him.

“Your classes are that hard, huh?” I asked sympathetically as I tried to rub out the knots in his shoulder.

“Yeah, they are, but that I can handle. Feeling this distant from you is about to kill me,” he replied honestly, looking strained as he glanced at me. My breath caught at his words, not expecting him to be so forward.

“I’m right here, silly,” I teased, continuing to rub his shoulders and shake them a little. He shot me a forced smile and put his hand on mine.

“To make matters worse, I have to leave this weekend for my monthly training. The timing just feels all wrong.”

“When are you leaving?” I asked feeling disappointed.

“As soon as I get out of class on Friday. Hopefully Sunday will be a short training day and I’ll be back around dinnertime.” He put his hand on my leg and rubbed it a little. “I’m coming straight to see you, so don’t make any plans!”

I smiled up at him and put my head on his shoulder. He was right. The timing was
all wrong, everything felt wrong. I wanted more than anything to click my heels together and go back to New Year’s. It felt like a lifetime ago.

“You eaten yet?” he asked, looking toward the counter.

“Nope, I was waiting on you. I’m starved.”

He leaned over and gave me a kiss, pinching my chin at the same time. “You know I love you right?” he asked looking me intently in the eye.

I nodded and kissed him again before we got up to make our order. I sighed as I held on to him in line; I wished so much I could love him back the way he deserved.

The next few days flew by as I eased back into the school schedule. I would run, then hit the lab,
go to class and then meet Parker in the quad. Jake would still come by at night, but only stayed for an hour or so just to talk and catch up. I started to believe my own lies that I wasn’t doing anything wrong and that it was perfectly fine for Jake and I to be friends. The guilt was less and less biting and while still strained, things did seem to be getting better with Parker, or at least I thought so. He continued to press me on a regular basis to talk to him, but I kept insisting there was nothing to talk about.

He left on Friday right after class, but not before meeting me outside my Dynamics class to say goodbye. I felt a little awkward with my study group staring blatantly at us, but I kissed him anyway and told him I would miss him.