Authors: T L Gray
Jake was passed out on the couch, fully clothed, but with a half-f glass of beer sitting on the coffee table. I walked towards
Issy’s room, careful to step over the cups along the way and noticed a large hole in the wall right by her room. Her door was slightly open, and I pushed it a little, feeling my stomach turn with uneasiness.
She was laying face down on the bed with her arm hanging over the side. Right below her fingertips sat the silver flask I had given her for Christmas.
The delicate bottle was turned over on the floor and sat in a puddle of liquid. The room was dark, but the light from the living room was casting a glow over her.
I could feel my heart
beat start to pick up. Something was off. There was something about her color that didn’t seem right. She was always pale, but tonight her face looked sallow…almost blue. I inched closer, starting to worry.
“
Issy?” I whispered, hoping to get some response. She was laying eerily still and didn’t move even when I said her name two more times. I approached the bed and realized her head was lying in a puddle of vomit. I started to panic and shook her fiercely with no response. Her hands were cold, and I could tell she wasn’t breathing.
“PARKER!” I screamed as adrenalin rushed through every part of my body.
Parker was there in an instant, taking in the sight that had me so shaken. He tried unsuccessfully to wake her too, and looked up at me. He was completely calm, a stark contrast to my panicked state. “She probably has alcohol poisoning. You need to call 911 right now.” He had moved her off the bed and was starting CPR as I rushed to the living room to get my phone.
My hands were shaking uncontrollably as I dialed the number.
“911, what’s your emergency?” the voice on the other line asked.
“My roommate isn’t breathing. She was drinking, and I don’t know what happened, I just got here. Please, she’s not breathing, you need to get here right away!”
“What’s your location?”
“We’re in University Apartments, building 1, room 204. Please hurry.” Fear was starting to consume me as tears racked my body.
“Ma’am, we’ve got an ambulance on the way. I need you to calm down. Is someone there with your friend?”
“Yes, my boyfriend is doing CPR…” My voice trailed off as I looked up and saw Parker still frantically trying to revive her. I set down the phone and ran over to Jake, shaking him with all the force I still had left in me.
“Jake, you have to wake up! Issy’s in trouble…wake up!”
He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in so tight I could hardly breath. He wasn’t fully conscious a
nd was still slurring his words. “My sweet Avery, you came back to me. I knew you’d come back to me.”
I struggled against his strength, pushing hard on his chest to wake him.
“Jake, you have to wake up!”
He jolted up so quickly that I was thrown hard against the coffee table. The searing pain I felt in my back only lasted a second as the adrenalin took over again.
Jake was staring at me disoriented as if he was in the middle of some strange dream.
“It’s
Issy, Jake. She’s not breathing,” I said again, trying to get him to understand.
My words finally registered
, and he jumped off the couch and ran over to her room. Parker was still doing CPR, but Issy’s color wasn’t improving. Jake stood there staring in cold silence, frozen by fear.
I heard the ambulance outside and ran to the stairs, waving at them to let them know where to find us. They rushed in with speed and professionalism and had
Issy hooked up on a stretcher faster than I could even believe. Jake got in the ambulance with her, and Parker and I followed along in his car.
The shock had started to wear off
, and my tears came in uncontrollable waves. Even Parker’s reassuring hand did nothing to stop the fear that was gripping me.
We waited in the emergency room for what felt like a lifetime, until Jake finally appeared to give us an update on her. I could tell by his demeanor that things weren’t good, and I stood gripping the chair, unwilling to accept anything but news that she would be alright.
Jake stopped right in front of me, virtually ignoring Parker as he spoke. His eyes were hollow and vacant, the emptiness so apparent that my stomach turned.
“She’s stable, but not out of the woods yet. They have her in a coma and are moving her up to ICU now. I put you down as her sister so you can visit her whenever you want. There are no set hours for family.” His voice was flat and hardened. “You should probably go home and get some sleep. There won’t be any change tonight.” I reached out to hug him, but he stiffened underneath it, refusing to hug me back.
“I’m going to get back up there,” he stated after I let him go. Before he left, he turned to Parker, his face still devoid of any emotion. “I suppose I should thank you.” It wasn’t a question, but more a resigned statement.
“Nah man, no need,” Parker said graciously.
Jake just nodded his head and turned to leave. My heart wept for him and what he must be going through, watching Issy lie there just as helpless as his mom had for so many years.
Parker put his arm around me and led me to the car. I was silent the entire way home, still unable to process the events from the night. I walked in a daze to my apartment, where the scene hadn’t changed from the mess that was there before, but now, there hung a darkness that gripped my soul the minute I walked in.
“Let me stay with you tonight,” Parker offered, pulling me in for a hug. I pushed him away, not wanting anything that would make me break down again.
“I’m fine. I’m just going to clean up a little and go to bed, so I can get back to the hospital tomorrow.” My voice was as vacant as my heart felt.
“Avery, you don’t have to go through this alone. I’m here for you,” Parker insisted, once again trying to draw me in.
I put my hands up to stop him again, not wanting to be touched. “I’m fine, Parker, really. I just want to be alone for a little while.”
He seemed frustrated at what I was saying, but at a loss as to how to reach me.
“Please Parker…just let me be alone for while. I promise I’ll call you tomorrow.”
He finally agreed and kissed me on the cheek before he left, glancing back at me one more time, hoping I’d change my mind. I shut and locked the door and went to my room to put on sweats and take down my hair. What had begun as the perfect night, turned into the worst of my life.
I grabbed a trash bag from the kitchen and started desperately filling it with all the bottles and cups that were strewn around the apartment. After I had filled three bags, I pulled out the kitchen cleaner and scrubbed each counter with all my might, hoping with each brush, I could erase the horror that had happened here.
I grabbed another bag, went into Issy’s room and pulled off the sheets that were stained in vomit and alcohol. I threw them resentfully in the bag and felt the tears start to streak down my face. I wanted to scream how unfair it was to take her right when things were going so good. Then I felt something against my foot as I threw the bag out of the room. It was her flask, the one I had given her that obviously held the last drop of alcohol she drank before passing out.
I was suddenly slammed with a weight of guilt so heavy it pushed me to the floor. It was my fault. Surely, Jake would never let her drink so much. She must have kept it hidden, and I had provided her the means to do so. Sobs racked my
body as I felt desperately incapable of calming down. It was me. I did this.
I stood, shaking, trying to get my anxiety under control. I ran to my bathroom and leaned over the toilet, holding back the necklace Parker had given me so that it wouldn’t fall in my face. I suddenly felt nothing but contempt for it and took it off violently, throwing it on my bed where I wouldn’t have
to look at it.
What a farce!
I thought angrily.
I’m not strong…I’m nothing.
I put my fingers down my throat and allowed all the pain and fear and guilt I was feeling to be washed away. The numbness was short lived as usual, and I slowly got up off the floor, feeling just as terrible and defeated as I had before, only more exhausted.
I walked back into Issy’s room, determined to finish my task and was jarred once again by the emptiness of it. I walked by her bed and saw a little stuffed bear on the floor. It was weathered and old, as if it had been used for years. I picked it up, bringing the soft fur to my nose to take in the scent. It smelled like her perfume, rich and expensive with a mix of exotic fruits and rich floral.
I immediately knew I had to bring it to her. I grabbed a bag out of her closet and quickly packed it with essentials she would want if she woke up. I shook my head. When she woke up. Her little
bear and favorite pajamas sat on the top as I zipped the bag.
I was surprised how alert I felt driving to Asheville, even though the sun was rising and I had only slept for a couple of hours in the car. The nursing staff didn’t give me any hassle, just as Jake had promised, when I came in and led me right to her room. The blinds were drawn and the room was fairly dark, making the lights and sounds from the respirator even more distressing.
Jake was asleep in the recliner with his arms folded and his head lowered as if he had fought sleep as long as he could. Issy looked frightfully pale and fragile under all the tubes that surrounded her face, and I delicately brushed away a piece of her dark hair that had fallen over her eye. I set her bag down as quietly as I could and pulled out her bear, setting it carefully in the fold of her arm. I held her hand and sat on the chair that had been pulled up next to the bed, feeling the tears start to fall again.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, hoping that somehow she could hear me.
I heard a rustling noise behind me and turned to see that Jake had woken back up and was sitting up with his head in his hands. He looked wrecked and completely exhausted. I walked over to him gingerly and sat on the ottoman in front of him. I put my hands on his wrist and kissed the top of his head, trying to bring any comfort I could. He looked up at me, his eyes no longer vacant, but full of all the pain and fear I knew he was facing.
“She’s going to be ok,” I assured him softly. “There’s no way
Issy’s going out like this. She’s way too bullheaded.” I tried to flash him a smile and offer up strength that neither one of us had.
Jake slowly shook his head and whispered, “I’m not so sure.”
I let go of his wrist and put my hands in my lap. Jake quickly grabbed them back and stared at me.
“Jake, what happened?” I asked
, wanting so badly to hear it wasn’t my fault.
He stayed deafly quiet and then reached up to caress my face. “You have this look you get. Did you know that?”
I was taken aback by his switch of topic. “What do you mean?”
“There’s a look you have
that betrays everything you are feeling. It’s a mix of adoration, respect and love, all rolled into one.” He was speaking softly and there was a slight rasp in his voice. My stomach knotted a little, not knowing where he was going with the conversation, but I didn’t say a word, just let him go on.
“I was actually surprised at how quickly I earned that look from you, and it kind of freaked me out at first. No one had ever looked at me like that, and I felt this expectation to be great, to be better than I knew I was. My mom would give me a similar feeling. Towards the end, she couldn’t do much more than hold my hand, but her message was still loud and clear. She believed in me.”
He stopped for a moment and ran his fingers through his hair before he looked at me and continued, “After she died, it all went away, and I just slowly disappeared. Then there you were, looking at me like that, seeing only the best in me, and it made me mad. Made me feel all this grief all over again. So I’d do something horrible to push you away, to get rid of that look when you saw me…but then I’d miss it. Sometimes it would take me a while, but I would always get it back, reassuring me that I hadn’t lost you. At Christmas, I knew I wanted you back, and that I was finally ready for you. I knew about your guy, believe me, Issy made sure of it. But I wasn’t worried about him, because I saw how you always responded to me, even if you had just been with him. I just had to convince you to trust me again.”
He stopped talking and let me take a moment to hear all he had told me. Everything seemed to make more sense, as if seeing things from his perspective changed the reality in my head. I was just about to say something when I heard him start back up again.
“Last night, I was so irritated you weren’t staying with us. Irritated that you were still with that joker when I knew we were meant to be together. Then you walked out of your room, looking like an angel, and I knew I wasn’t going to let you walk out of there with him. I was ready to grab you and pull you away, sure I could take him out with one good punch. But then I saw it, that look, full of love, admiration and esteem, everything I had longed to see…everything I
needed
to see. Only…it wasn’t for me…it was for him…and everything just went black,” he finally said, his eyes glossy as he rubbed his right knuckle.
It was the first time I noticed how bruised and cut up it was, and I immediately remembered the hole in the wall outside of
Issy’s room. It was right where he had been standing when we left for the ball. I felt my breath catch as I put my hand over my mouth. “Jake…” I didn’t know what to say, just felt helpless siting there.