Authors: T L Gray
In my head I screamed,
Neither do you
, but instead, I just smiled and managed, “That’s wonderful.” My sister had gone to a local community college after school and got an associates in business. She’d been working for a small sports retailer in our town, and I guess had been doing a lot to improve their sales. We had never really been close. My parents had fostered a spirit of competition between us that ruined any chance of a real relationship.
“So how is school going?” she continued while cleaning the already perfect kitchen.
I wrinkled my nose, not wanting to answer, but figured I should go ahead and get it over with now since I was going to have to ask them for money anyway.
“Well mom, it was kind of a rough semester. I’m going to have to retake a class.”
My dad suddenly became part of the conversation and put down the paper he had been reading. “Does it affect your scholarship?”
Leave it to my dad to get right to the point. “No, I’ll still be on scholarship next semester, but I will have to pay for this class. It’s not a big deal. I’ve got money saved from this summer, and I’m going to see if I can pick up some shifts over Christmas. I may need to borrow $500 or less, but I will pay you back, I promise.” As soon as the words were finished, I was relieved to have them out of me. I knew I disappointed them, but at least I could deal with it all now and be done with it.
My mom immediately looked stressed and excused herself saying my father would take care of all of that. I watched her leave wondering why she even asked when she so obviously only wanted one answer.
My father gave a long sigh and said, “Avery that money was for your living expenses. How are you planning to eat next year without any spending money?”
“I’ll be fine, Dad. It doesn’t take much for me to live on. I’ve really worked it all out, I promise.” I tried to sound reassuring, not wanting to cause any more stress than I already had.
“Well, just let me know what you are short. We’ll take care of it.”
“Thanks dad. I’m really sorry.” Regret was more than apparent in my voice.
“Me too. I expected more from you than this, Avery. You’re supposed to be my smart one.” He went back to the paper signifying the end of our conversation. I felt about two inches high. My parents had always put
me and my sister into two categories, the smart one and the pretty one. I guess I wasn’t holding up my end. I held in the tears until I got to my room and then laid on my bed, letting them flow freely. I hated being a failure…hated disappointing everyone.
I started to feel trapped in the room that I had called home for eighteen years and decided to go visit Cara. We hadn’t spoken in months, and I was dying to see her. I walked down the street to her mom’s house. Her parents’ had divorced when we were in the fifth grade, but her mom never remarried.
I knocked on the door, nervous and excited at the same time to reconnect with her and was joyfully greeted by her mom, who welcomed me in. “Avery, its so good to see you, dear! It’s been way too long,”
“Hi Ms. Andrews. It’s good to see you, too. Is Cara back yet?” I asked looking around.
“Oh no, dear. Cara isn’t coming home this year. She and her fiancé are going to his parents’ house for the holiday.”
I stood in stunned silence. Cara was engaged? She never even told me she was dating anyone. “Wow, I didn’t realize she was engaged. Did it happen recently?” I asked trying not to sound as out of the loop as I was.
“He did it at Thanksgiving. They came here to spend it with me, and he asked her in front of all of us. It was the sweetest thing I’d ever seen.”
I couldn’t believe it. Had we really grown that far apart? I said my goodbyes to Cara’s mom, and slowly walked home. Telling her my secret had changed everything. She tried to be there for me, and I obviously couldn’t handle her knowing. I had succeeded in pushing her away, the one person who ever held me accountable for my actions. I felt the weight of the loss on my shoulders—knowing deep down it was
all my fault.
I got back to my house, and it was as if the school conversation had never even come up. My mom was back to being pleasant, and my dad was fully engaged in his paper. I put a smile on my face to match and pretended right alongside them for the rest of the week.
16. Just one night
I saw the sign to Winsor and could almost feel the tension start to ease in my body. I had never been so happy to be back. Six days at my parents’ house was about five days too long, I decided, even though I spent most of that time working at the diner or exercising with my mom. I wanted to just get somewhere where I could let my defenses down for one minute and relax.
The sun was setting, and my eyes were starting to feel the effects of the exhausting drive. The only positive of it all was that I could crawl into bed, go to sleep, and Parker would be back in the morning. I smiled as I thought of him; he was the only thing about my week that was good. He called every night
, and we talked for hours before drifting off to sleep. In fact, I had managed to survive my parent’s house all week without an episode, and I knew he was the reason. My stomach fluttered as I thought of seeing him in less than twenty-four hours.
I lugged my suitcase up the stairs and then ran back down to the car to get my new dress. I felt the silky fabric under my fingers and smiled. Carefully putting it back under the protective cover, I headed back up the stairs. When I got there, I noticed my suitcase was gone and the door to my apartment was open. I peeked in and saw
Issy and Jake dressed and ready for a night out.
They had put my suitcase in my room
, and Issy practically tackled me when I got in the door. I pushed her aside, trying to protect my dress and put it carefully in my closet. I didn’t make eye contact with Jake and basically sidestepped him when he came in for a hug. It just seemed ridiculous that after all this time he could still make me swoon with just one smile, and I was just too physically and mentally tired from being with my parents all week to deal with him. I took a stabilizing breath and returned to the living room, convincing myself that I only had to pretend for one more hour, and they would be gone.
I found a spot on the lip loveseat, the furthest point from where Jake was seated and asked how their Christmas was.
“Fabulous!” Issy beamed. “I got everything on my list, including a new BMW from my dad.” Jake rolled his eyes, and I tried to keep my jaw from dropping.
“That’s great,” I said, trying my best to sound as excited as she was.
“We’re going out tonight to celebrate, and I will not take no for an answer,” Issy stated, her eyes daring me to argue.
“
Issy, I’m exhausted. I just drove nine hours and all I want is a shower and my bed,” I insisted, determined not to give in no matter how much she begged.
Jake didn’t say a word, just sat
there overtly staring at me. It was getting harder and harder to avoid his eyes, and I shifted uncomfortably. Issy dropped on the sofa and folded her arms, pouting.
“I haven’t seen you in a week, and you’re telling me you can’t take two hours to come to a party with me. I’m hurt,”
Issy whined, knowing guilt was always my Achilles heel.
“But that’s just it,
Issy, it’s never two hours with you. It’s more like five or six and I know I can’t make it that long tonight,” I explained, trying to get her to see reason.
Jake finally said something, but of course it wasn’t in my favor. “I’ll bring you home in two hours, even if I have to go back to get her, I promise.” He was still staring at me, and I was forced to look at him to answer. His eyes were mesmerizing just like I
remembered, so perfectly green that it appeared unnatural. He was more relaxed tonight than I had seen him in a while, wearing jeans and a tight fitting t-shirt. He looked calm and confident, and worse…believable.
“It’s settled then. Avery, go get dressed. We’re leaving in an hour,”
Issy directed as she bounced off to her room.
I ran my fingers through my hair, feeling trapped and exasperated, and got up to go to my room. Standing in the path of my door was Jake, and I stopped to stare at
him for a second as if to say,
Excuse me.
Instead of moving, he grabbed me by the waist and pulled me toward him so that my torso was touching his belt buckle. I could feel his breath on my hair and tried to stop the trembles I felt coming on.
“You can’t avoid me forever,” he whispered in my ear as I struggled to get out of his hold. Jake had called and texted several times over the break, but I had ignored all of them. I wanted to be over him, to let him go once and for all.
“Jake, please,” I begged when I realized his grip was impenetrable.
“I know you still feel it,” he continued as he moved his hand to my wrist, checking my pulse in the process. “Why do you fight it?” His words were soft and soothing as he released the full measure of his charm on me. I closed my eyes. His scent was starting to get to me, as were his words that I knew were true, despite how hard I wanted to believe they weren’t.
“Give me one night. That’s all I’m asking,” he pressed, moving his hand to stroke my face. “If it’s not there, I’ll leave you alone. I know I screwed up, Avery, and you have no idea how badly I wish I could take it back.”
I felt too tired to fight him. He was starting to break me down—to get behind the wall I had put up just to protect myself from him.
“Jake, I’m with someone else now, and I care about him,” I pleaded, hoping my honesty would make him leave and allow me to breathe once again.
“I know that, and I’ll totally respect it. No inappropriate touching whatsoever. I promise.” He was grinning mischievously now, and I raised my eyebrows at him and then looked down at his arm that still encircled my waist. He quickly let go as if to validate his words, and I couldn’t help the smile that appeared even as I scurried past him.
“Ok, I’ll go,” I resigned. I turned to look as I shut my door. His eyes had the sparkle I hadn’t see in weeks
, and his smile melted the last of my defenses. I pushed down the guilt that started to rise up in my chest. It was just one night…how bad could it be?
The party
Issy brought us to was much more than just your average college get together. It was at one of the houses around the campus lake, which easily could have fit in her dad’s neighborhood. I had run by it a million times, but never realized how beautiful it was until we pulled in the drive. Issy’s new BMW fit right in with the others in the driveway, and I mentally prepared myself for the nightmare that I was about to embark on. If this party was anything like Ben’s, it would be a very long two hours.
The house was beautifully decorated with white lights following every turn on the roof and stairs, as well as covering at least five trees in the yard.
Jake wrapped his arm around me as we got out of the car, looking as awed as I was. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
I looked up at him, examining his face in the soft glow of the light. He was a different person tonight
, and I didn’t quite know how to process it. He was waiting for a response, so I finally answered, “It really is. Who lives here?”
Issy
piped in before Jake could respond. “My dad has a business partner whose son goes to Winsor, too. They bought this house so they could come and visit him whenever they wanted. Luckily, they are happily at home, and Branson has the whole place to himself. He’s got a little crush.” I had no doubt it was true…most men got crushes on Issy.
“Who else is coming?” I
asked as there were only five cars in the driveway.
“It’s invite only, so probably no one we know all that well. Its free liquor, though, and Caesar’s will be dead until school starts up, so you take what you can get!” She spun around and bounced up the stairs. She looked especially pretty tonight. She had kept the coloring to only a small blond streak by her face and was wearing tight black leggings with knee length boots and a flowing cashmere sweater. Her only punk item was the multicolored rhinestone belt around her waist, and honestly, it made the outfit.
Jake still had his arm around me as we walked towards the door. My conscience told me to move away from him, but I pushed it aside. Branson was there waiting and politely invited us in. You could tell he definitely wasn’t someone in Issy’s normal circle. He seemed nervous and awkward. In fact, he reminded me a lot of the guys in my study group. He had on khakis and a nice sweater, but wore pretty old fashioned glasses, and his hair looked as if his mother had parted it before we got there.
“There’s drinks in the kitchen
, and we have music going out back,” he explained shyly, barely making eye contact with Issy.
“Wonderful!”
Issy said, planting a kiss on his cheek before she headed that direction. I had to hold in my laughter as I watched him stare after her in awe.
We followed her to the kitchen and got ourselves drinks. Jake offered me a glass of wine, but I declined. No need to cloud my judgment any more than it already was.