Shattered Dreams (6 page)

She chuckles and wipes away the tears
streaming down her cheeks. “This dress?” 

“
Yes, this is how I am going
to remember you and when I see you, I want it to be just like this.
You are beautiful and stunning, and you are my dream come true. I
will love you forever.”  

“
I will love you, forever
and always.” 

“
Always and forever.” I kiss
her and inhale her and James’ unique baby scent. I swear I am
trying to burn this scent into my brain although it is already
there. I look up and I see the bus pull into the parking lot. This
is the moment I have been dreading. The guys in the platoon and I
already decided it would be easier for us if our wives and kids
stayed in their cars today for our departure. Emma reaches for the
door handle and I stop her.  

“
No, stay here. I want you
to stay in the car.” 

“
Max, I want to see you
off.” She does not understand why I don’t want her to get
out. 

“
Em, trust me. It will be so
much easier for me if you stay in the car.
Please.” 

She nods and I can see her eyes well up with
even more tears. My platoon starts getting out of their cars and I
know it’s time. “Stay here and when the bus pulls off, you can move
into the driver’s seat, but wait until I’m out of view.” 

“
Ok, I love you and you be
careful.” She tries to smile but fails miserably. 

“
I will and you do what I
said. I don’t want to be over there in some desert worrying about
you and my son. If anything ever happened to you or him, I swear I
would go crazy.” 

“
Max, don’t worry about us,
I have
us
taken
care of, but please, be careful and worry about
you.” 

I lean over and kiss her as sweetly as I can.
I love her more than myself. I kiss James and hug him as gently as
I can. “Take care of your mother, and tell me if she has any other
guys in the house,” I say, looking at James and smiling. 

“
Greyson, let’s go.” I look
up and everyone is already on the bus. I look around the lot and
the families of our platoon are crying in their cars. Even the
small kids are crying in their car seats. I kiss James once more
and hand him to Emma.  

“
Don’t worry about me, I
love you and I’ll be back. Stay here until I
leave.” 

She nods. I lean over and kiss her one last
time. “I love you.” 

“
I love you,
too.” 

I get out of the car and get my things out of
the truck. I head to the bus and turn around to look at her one
last time. I smile my all-American smile and yell, “I love you,
always and forever.” Then I wave goodbye to her before climbing
into the bus. 

Chapter Two: Proud to be an American

Emma

I watch Max climb into the bus. I cry,
although I try hard not to. I don’t look around at the other Army
wives and kids. I can’t stand to see their pain. I hold James; he
doesn’t stir. The bus begins to pull out of the parking lot, and I
cry into James’ soft blanket. I see Max poke his head out of the
small bus window and I smile.  

I wave to him and he yells, “I’ll be back and
I love you always and forever.” 

I don’t say anything, but continue to wave.
The lump in my throat prevents me from speaking. Once the bus turns
the corner and they are out of sight, the other wives and I get out
of our cars and walk with our children to the open area in the
parking lot. We hug each other and cry. We all waited for the bus
to pull off, as the guys requested, before we got out of our
vehicles. I know it is as hard on them as it is on
us.  

I have never been so grateful that Brooke and
I share a duplex on base. We agree to have playdates for the kids,
movie nights, and potluck dinners with the other girls. We vow to
stick together and make the best of the situation. 

I drive the short distance home. James and I
walk into our already too lonely and too quiet duplex. I’m not sure
what to do without Max being home. I want to write him, but I don’t
have an address to send a letter to him yet. I just saw him, but I
already miss him.  

The door next door shuts,
and I know Brooke and the boys are home. I bathe and feed James
before taking a hot bubble bath. The sound from the television in
the bedroom fills the otherwise silent house with a welcome noise.
I loathe television, but Max loves it. Of course, I watch
Breaking Bad
, and
Game of Thrones
,
and
I Love Lucy
,
and
Entourage
,
and
Mad Men
,
and
The Office
—
actually, I love television. 

I let my hair dry naturally and slip into a
pair of sweats and one of Max’s hoodies. I inhale; it smells of
him. I pick up James and take him downstairs. I sit on the couch
with James and decide to read to him. My phone chirps that I have a
text. I am so excited to see that it’s from Brooke. 

Brooke:
Can we come over?
 

Emma:
Yes, I’m lonely.
 

Brooke
: I have a movie and pizza; be right over.
 

Emma:
Yay, slumber party.
 

Brooke:
Yep, for the next seven months. Lol!
 

“
James, we’re going to have
a slumber party. Do you want to see your friends?” I ask in a baby
voice that I’m sure I’ll be using a lot. I stand and wait by the
front door for Brooke and the boys. When I hear them outside, I
open the door wide for them. Braden walks in first, carrying a
pillow and a sleeping bag, and then Brooke walks in, carrying
Briley.  

“
Can you watch them, and
I’ll get the pizza from the house?” 

“
Yes, of
course.” 

She lays a sleeping Briley on the couch, and
I put James in his bassinet after I kiss him.  

Brooke walks back in with a large pizza, a
two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew, and some movies. I laugh and take
the large pizza box to help her. Once she lays everything on the
table, she looks at me and smiles.  

“
I’ll be back, there’s
more.”  

“
Ok, I’ll get some plates
from the kitchen and get Braden a piece of pizza.” 

Brooke leaves and I get the plates and cups
from the kitchen. She returns, carrying a couple blankets and a
pillow. 

“
I bet you didn’t expect
company tonight, did you?” 

“
No, and I couldn’t be
happier.” 

“
Good, I figure you can
expect us five nights a week, give or take,” Brooke says,
laughing. 

I laugh, too.  

“
Do you think the Army will
frown if we knock out a wall and turn this duplex into one big
house?” Brooke adds. 

“
Oh, my God, that is an even
better idea.” We both laugh. 

Brooke lays out a blanket in the middle of
the floor and grabs the movie she placed on the end
table.  

“
What movie did you
get?” 

“
Bridesmaids.
I haven’t seen it yet. Brice wouldn’t let me watch
it when he was home. He hates chick flicks. So while he is gone, I
plan to watch one chick flick a day.” She
smiles.  

I have to smile at her humor. I know she is
having a tough time with her husband being gone. “I haven’t seen it
yet either, and I heard it’s hilarious.” 

Brooke sits Braden on the floor with his
pizza and a sippy cup of milk. She also lays out a few
easy-to-clean toys and soft plastic books for him to play with. She
makes a smaller-sized bed further away and lays Briley down, kisses
him, then covers him up. I put the movie in and sit on the couch
with a blanket thrown over me. 

We eat the entire pizza and drink most of the
Mountain Dew in the two-liter bottle. Once Braden is asleep, Brooke
climbs up on the couch and cuddles under the blankets on the other
end.  

We watch the movie and laugh so loud we wake
the kids briefly. We laugh through the whole movie. Once the movie
is over, Brooke and I clean up and I take James and head upstairs
to bed.  

Brooke says, “If I knew that the movie was
that raunchy, I would have made Brice watch it. He would have loved
it, especially the food-poisoning scene.” 

“
Max would have liked it,
too, and Brooke, thank you. This is just what I
needed.” 

“
Me, too, tomorrow we’ll
work on tearing this main wall out,” she says, pointing to the
large wall that divides her place and ours. 

“
Sounds like a plan. Good
night.” 

“
Good night, Boo. I love
you.” 

I look over my shoulder at her and she
automatically laughs. “Sorry, that’s what I tell Brice every
night.” 

“
I love you, forever and
always. That’s what I tell Max every night.” I turn and start to
walk up the stairs. 

“
Emma?” 

I stop and turn around and look at Brooke
sitting up on the couch.  

“
I just wanted to thank you
for letting us stay the night. I’m afraid….” 

Brooke stops talking, and I know what she was
going to say. “Brooke, me, too. I guess we’ll be afraid together.
I’ll see you in the morning.” 

Max and I agreed to not sleep with James. We
didn’t want him to be dependent on sleeping with us, but I put
James in bed with me tonight because I don’t want to sleep alone
and because I want to feel close to Max. I wear Max’s sweatshirt to
bed, because it smells just like him. I watch James sleep; he is
beginning to look like Max lying there.  

I lean over and kiss James and tell him
goodnight and I’ll love him forever and always. He smiles in his
sleep and it makes me smile, too. Max would also smile. I know
James is happily dreaming because he is smiling. He would be
frowning if he had gas. I turn off the lamp, rest my cheek next to
his small arm, and dream of the day that Max comes home and we are
all three together again.  

James wakes up twice in the middle of the
night for his feeding. He eats well and goes right back to sleep.
It seems like that when Max was home the feedings took so much
longer. Probably because Max would be so involved with changing
diapers and burping James. I breastfed so I did the feedings most
nights. Sometimes Max would want to feed him and we would have to
use the milk I pumped earlier. 

I wake up at 7:00 am for the
day. I sit up in bed and burp James. I hear the pitter-patter of
small feet outside my bedroom door.
When
James is older, I will be hearing the pitter-patter of his little
feet. A few rapidly passing years after that, I will be hearing the
stomp-stomp of his big teenage feet. I left the door slightly
cracked and Braden pokes his head in. I smile and say, “Good
morning, Braden, want to come in and see James?” 

Braden walks in, carrying his small blanket
and a bear in his other hand. I lift the covers so he knows it’s ok
to get in bed with us. He tries to climb in our bed, but I have to
help him. Once he is in bed with us, he smiles. “It’s wake-up
time,” he says, looking out the window. 

I look out the window, too. “Yes, I guess it
is. Is mommy awake?” 

“
Mommy’s feeding bubby. Baby
up?” 

I look down at James and he is looking
around. “Yep, baby’s awake. You want to go down and see
mommy?” 

“
Yep, and
bubby.” 

“
Ok, lil guy, let’s go see
mommy and bubby. Don’t forget your bear.” 

“
Get baby,” he says,
scooting down off the bed.  

“
Be careful and I’ll get the
baby.” We walk downstairs. Brooke is on the couch feeding
Briley.  

“
I’m sorry, Emma, I asked
him not to wake you. I think he heard James.” 

“
That’s all right, we were
already up. Braden said it was wake-up time.” I
smile. 

“
He thinks whenever the sun
is out, it’s wake-up time. Thank his dad for that,” she says,
smiling. 

I kiss James before putting him in his swing.
“Braden, are you hungry?”  

“
No.” 

“
Braden?” Brooke says
sternly. 

“
No, thank
you.” 

“
He doesn’t eat right away,
Emma, but thank you.” 

“
That’s all right, do you
want to watch cartoons?” 

“
Mommy,
please?” 

I look at Brooke and she smiles. “For a
little while, then you have to eat. On channel 36, SpongeBob should
be on.” 

“
Yay, ’pongeBob,” Braden
says excitedly, clapping his hands.  

“
SpongeBob it is for Braden,
and coffee for me and Brooke.” 

“
That sounds wonderful. Come
on, fat man, I think you have had enough milk. I going to legally
change your name to Milk Hog.” Brooke laughs, as she puts Briley
down on the blankets that are still on the floor and spreads a few
toys out for the boys to play with. She walks over and picks up
James from his swing.  

“
Good morning to you, too,
Handsome,” she says, in a baby voice I am becoming all too familiar
with. 

“
Brooke, do you take cream
and sugar?” 

“
Yes,
please.” 

When Brooke leaves to get
ready for the day, I check my phone for messages from Max. Of
course, there aren’t any yet. I look through my pictures on my
phone and find some new ones that Max had taken the night before he
left. They are selfies of himself making funny faces and acting
like he is asleep
and pictures of James. It
brings a smile
and
a tear to my face. I am so happy to see them, but it reminds
me of how much I love and miss him.