He crooked his smile upwards and said
, in something a little above a whisper, “It was actually an apple Danish.”
Ugh. My knees buckled under me at the utter adorableness that he remembered exactly who I was. It was a push and pull. I knew I owed him for helping me out at the club, but I didn’t want to give in to him. I couldn’t.
I gave up arguing, mainly because my eyes felt heavy and darkness was creeping up on me. After we turned the corner and walked up the stairs, Ryder quickened his pace behind me as I grabbed my keys.
As I put the keys into the door
I spun around, “One last time…you really don’t have to come inside. Honestly, it would make me feel better if you just went home. I mean, you could give me your number and I will call you and tell you I'm alive or something tomorrow if you want.”
“No. I am not le
aving you alone after what transpired tonight, I'm coming inside.” He pushed himself past me and through the door.
“Plus,” he said, “I know you’d never call.”
He walked around my apartment and suddenly I was feeling self-conscious that my place wasn’t like Skye’s. My kitchen was larger than a galley kitchen; however, it still only contained a table that was just large enough for one. The kitchen flowed into the living room, which was carpeted with deep maroon accents and black furniture. To the left of the living room was my bedroom. I opted for the simple look knowing that the girly look left guys feeling awkward while having sex. The bed was queen-sized with a dark brown and blue themed. Everything was hyper organized and cleaned.
“Can you please wait in the other room while I change?” I announced as he continued staring at my bed. “Please don’t even think your sleeping
with me either.”
Ryder’s mouth dropped and shock crept up on his face, “I wouldn’t dare do that Harper. I am a gentleman
. Once, I saved this girl from this disgustingly creepy old man you know…”
I smiled. “Oh really? You must have been her
knight in shining armor then?”
He laughed and walked towards the living room. I closed the door and slipped into a black oversized t-shirt. When I finished getting dresse
d, I grabbed an extra blanket and pillow from the linen closet. He was sitting on the couch with his legs folded flipping through his phone when I brought them out to him. His clothes were still intact and I suddenly had the urge to slowly pop each button off his button-down shirt. Thoughts about slipping his jeans off and tasting his hard cock in my mouth started sputtering their ways inside my head, but I continued to shake them off. If I slept with him now he would be forever connected to this night. Something inside of me told me that I would regret connecting him with tonight.
“Here I have to get to work at 11am tomorrow so if you could please be gone before then, that would be great.” I said
it coldly, hoping that if I could push these thoughts out of my head I would be able to sleep peacefully. I threw the blanket and pillow on the coffee table and slammed the door to my room shut.
I
wish my door came with a lock, yet for some reason I trusted Ryder. I never trusted men. This thought alone scared me. I curled up under the covers and attempted to close my eyes. Soon after, the night fell over me and I was fast asleep.
My palms were shaking from fear as I gasped, trying to reach for the last bit of oxygen in the room. My heart started pounding out through my chest cavity. My body was drenched in sweat as it pooled around me and my hair clung to my scalp with dampness. A small wheezing sound came out of my voice, like a trapped mouse that was trying desperately to survive and breathe its last few breaths. My mind was numbing in and out of sleep. I was in a faze, unsure of where I was or if I was dreaming. I felt a hand grabbed my arm forcing me down on the bed. I could feel a man slowly dipped his hands inside me, shoving his fingers rapidly through me. I begged him to stop. I was screaming from the inside, but my mouth was gagged so no one could hear me.
Why couldn’t anyone hear me!?
My heart thudded faster as the man who was straddling me raised his hands and delicately placed them over my neck.
“
You were a bad, bad girl Harper,” he kept saying over and over again as the pressure around my neck pushed harder and my breathing slowed until it was barely audible.
“I told you not to make me do it. I told you. Why can
’t you ever listen to me?”
I wanted to tell him I would make it all better. I wanted to tell him that I would do whatever he wanted. If he was tired, I would rub his back. If he wanted dinner, I would cook him a feast. If he wanted to have sex, I would fuck him until he was sore. I wanted desperately to tell him, but I couldn’t talk.
My lungs slowed until he released one hand while the other still pressed firmly on my neck leaving marks. The free hand found its way to my bare nipple and squeezed until it was hard. It trailed down my stomach.
“I told you, y
ou stupid bitch, to lose weight,” he mumbled as his hand collapsed on my parts. He thrust his fingers into me. Faster and faster, slowly adding more fingers until his fist was inserted in me. He shoved into me faster and harder slamming inside me. I wanted to scream but my throat was closing up. I was going to die, I just knew I was going to die: naked and alone. I felt myself slow down as my mind stopped moving.
Slowly…very slowly…I was losing…
breath…losing…
***
“WAKE UP! WAKE THE FUCK UP HARPER!”
I swallowed
deeply, taking in the oxygen around me. My hands immediately fell to my neck, which was bruised and bleeding. My nails were grinded to the quick and there were bits of nails stuck around my neck.
“Harper, Oh my god, Harper. Are you okay? Please speak to me. You
’re soaking wet.” My eyes started to focus and I saw Ryder in front of me in the darkness. “Let me get the light,” he said.
“No, please don’t,
” I grumbled. He ran to the bathroom and came back with a damp washcloth. He began to rub the light blood from my neck and my wrists where I had scratched myself.
“It
’s okay, it was just a bad dream. Everything is okay now. You’re okay. These cuts are just superficial, they should be gone by tomorrow. You really did a number on yourself.” His voice was quiet and lilted with kindness and sorrow. He propped himself next to me and began running his fingers lightly through my hair.
“There are some dark demons inside of you
, Harper.” His voice was now barely above a whisper and he began to hum. “Hush-a-bye you sweet little baby and don’t you cry any more. Daddy has gone to his stockbroker’s office a keepin’ the wolf from the door.”
I recognized the song. It was “American Lullaby” by Gladys Rich; a song my dad used to sing to me when I was younger. It was about a
loving father/daughter relationship, but how the father had to leave for work and leave the child behind. Everyone was always leaving. It really hit home because I was always leaving. I was running; running away from those demons, but now here was a man who made them all come out. I was seeking comfort from a man who witnessed the first night terror I had experienced in years.
He kept humming softly and stroking my hair while sitting on the far side
of the bed, keeping from getting too close to me physically. He was giving me space while comforting me. It was such a gentle act. There was no other emotion attached to it and he wanted nothing more but to sit there and comfort me.
I curled up under his arms as they opened
, welcoming me into his warm embrace. I was still in a fog from the nightmare so I couldn’t comprehend everything going on. I couldn’t fight it. I needed him. He had an undershirt on so I didn’t feel the warmth of his skin, but as his strong arms leaned in towards me I felt the comfort of being in an embrace. It was a sense of belonging that I was not acquainted with. I slowly drifted to sleep without a single thought penetrating my mind.
***
The morning sun rose and welcomed the day into my room, slowly seeping through my curtains. I flickered my eyes open knowing all too well it was way too early for me to get up for work. My hands moved towards Ryder, whom I thought was still there, but I only felt the damp sheets beneath me. As my eyes opened to see where Ryder was, I was welcomed to the site of a lonely bed with only me tucked away in the sheets.
“Ryder?” I called hesitantly. “Are you here?” I was now nervous that he left without saying good-bye or just walked out. I wanted to talk to him about what happened and apologize for being an over emotional girl. I don’t understand what happened to me last night. I was never over emotional in grief, but suddenly something happened to me
; my wall fell beneath my feet and I broke down.
As I moved to get up, my head started spinning and the events of last night unfolded in my head. I remember being forced to almost have sex with a scummy guy and then thoughts of my past flooded into my head. I was sick. Something was wrong, physically. I needed a bathroom
, knowing that a man used me again made me sick; the thought of being helpless made me continue to release the little contents in my stomach. I couldn’t lose control with men--I simply couldn’t. Somehow I needed to gain control of my life and that meant leaving Ryder as a figure of my imagination and thoughts.
He had such a pull on my every though
t and movement that I could even imagine myself being with him, but I couldn’t let that happen. I built myself up too far to come crashing down like waves against the shore now. The lack of control I felt when I was around Ryder was frightening. I crave control and order. Even though my life is a mess, everything since I left Chicago was in my control. What scares me is that this relationship was uncontrollable.
I could see myself with someone like him. Someone who would come and rescue me from the nightmares of my reality. I didn’t want to kick him out like all the other guys. I wanted to see him the next morning. I wanted to cuddle with him and nuzzle my face in his. I didn’t want to kick him out and never see him again. I wanted him to be the first face I saw the next morning.
After I brushed my teeth and cleaned up the mess in the bathroom, I went to look for him in the living room with full intentions of kicking him out and telling him never to come by again. I stumbled into the living room and glanced at the couch just to find it empty. Where was he? I walked into the kitchen half expecting him to be cooking me a heaping breakfast, but it was empty too. It was then I noticed the small pink paper taped to the refrigerator.
Had to run out and take care of some errands. Please don’t make me save you again from creepy dudes in bathrooms. Although I won’t complain if you sleep in my arms all night… Maybe we should meet at a more appropriate time and place? I would love if you let me take you out.
Call me,
Ryder
The bottom of the note scribbled his telephone number and next to it was a heart. No. Oh no. This cannot be happening to me. I do not go out on dates
, especially not with Ryder. As much as I wanted to see him again, I couldn’t do this. I was scared. This was far too embarrassing and I was already emotionally invested in something that I cannot fathom. I was fucked up and fucked up people don’t date. People like me end up messing up relationships. People like me don’t end up happy. Therefore, if I can control who I decide to sleep with and when I want to sleep with them, I can have some control in my life. I can regain some confidence and hopefully make it through this shitty thing we call life.
I ripped up the note and the number and threw it away. I quickly
hopped into the shower and got dressed before I had to go to work. When I arrived at work Rita was at the front desk waiting for me.
“Oh honey, what happened to you? You look like a redneck
that ran through the mud a couple times. What kinda drinks were you drinkin’ last night, so I know to stay away from them.”
“I forgo
t how amazing and kind you were Rita,” I rolled my eyes at the amount of sarcasm that was laced in my voice.
“Baby girl, I been through a few rough nights myself. Go put your stuff down in the back and come back up here. I wanna hear all about your night before the store picks up.”
I went to the back and deposited my stuff in the office. I looked out the back window at the ocean waves breaking and the sun above them. There was something so peaceful about nature. One of the reasons I moved away from home in Chicago was to get away from the man-made culture that life projected onto you. I took a deep breath and fixed my hair in the mirror before I went out to talk to Rita.
“Now sit down here and tell me what happened to you. Someone dragged you through the mud, so spill.”
“It’s nothing really, I just went out last night and had too many drinks.” Speaking off, I should really call Skye when I get off work. I wanted to yell at her for A) telling Ryder I was at the club and B) leaving me alone in the middle of a completely packed club only to get picked up, prodded, and groped by a disgusting animal.
“Honey, I went out many a time back in my day and I know what being
hung over looks like, but you’re beyond hung over. Something done happened to you and you better start telling me before I have a heart attack.” Rita saw me as a daughter figure in her life as she saw most of her employees, but there was something so warm and compassionate in the way she spoke. She was dressed in a long flow-y white skirt and a crochet top. Her hair was beach blonde done in curly waves along her face. She had wrinkles on her face, but they told her story and pronounced her wisdom to the world. You could easily tell that back in her younger years she was a naturally beautiful woman.