This was our thing. This is what we did to get through the nights. We partied like
you were supposed to when you’re young. We spent our money carelessly and picked up guys randomly because we could. Both of us held demons inside, but when we were on the dance floor there was no one but ourselves out there.
As I moved to one side, I felt forced back to the other, like a pendulum swaying in the wind. The music pulsed through my body, e
xtracting a new creature from inside of me; someone who wasn’t forced down with the fallacies of past memories, someone who wasn’t tied to anyone or anything. I was floating.
The music drowned itself in my body as I moved passionately to the now upbeat temp of Timeflies
, “I Choose You.” The song told a story about choosing the one who you’re in love with and finally moving on from the past. I secretly laughed at it, knowing the ridiculousness of falling in love only to get hurt. The beat was catchy enough, so I let the lyrics muffle as I danced to the rhythm ignoring the message behind the song.
My hands were free from obstacles and I moved them above me dancing with
myself. I was letting go…becoming free as I threw my head back and shook my hair, smiling at no one in particular. Surrounded by a huge crowd and large pumping music, I was alone. I was so alone with my fantasies and myself. It was only minutes later when I was snapped back into reality.
“What the….” I mumbled as a large hand fell down on my hips. I started to turn around to see who the ow
ner was of these amazing hands, but I was pushed towards the side and couldn’t make out the face or features of the person behind me because it was far too dark. I searched for Skye. Shit. Shit. I couldn’t leave her. It was our pact to never let each other go. Frantically, I tried to move away from this guy behind me but his grip tightened.
He pulled me up towards his groin and pushed my hips against his. My backside let go as I started to pick up with the music again. We were moving as one with the beat and with each hiccup
in the song, he thrust himself closer to me.
I could smell the oozing scent of vanilla and mint that dripped from his body. He was sweaty from
being in the middle of an over-packed dance floor, but when we moved together we created a spark. There was something that just echoed from our bodies like an undeniable force of attraction. I desperately wanted more.
His body was tigh
t as I moved my hands around his large arms that were on my hips. His muscles bulged from his arms, as I slightly squeezed on them the thought of touching him naked sent a cold shiver through my spine. Through the dim overhead lights I could see his skin was effortlessly tan. He was almost recognizable, like I knew this body from somewhere, but I couldn’t quite pinpoint it. I shook the thought away from me and instead concentrated on moving to the beat of the song. We were intertwined as one and I had no idea what this guy even looked like. I knew I wanted to taste more of him. I wanted to dive further and faster into the seductive dance we were playing with each other.
With every beat that dropped
, I slammed my backside into his groin pushing harder and harder. I let myself go into him, grinding against him with such passion and intensity. I felt my core tighten as his body responded to my hurried excitement. As the music picked up the pace, I got lost in the beat. I was pushing and pulling into his hips as his face inched closer and closer to my ears. I could hear him breathing heavy in my ear. The sound of his breath made me quiver deep in my core. Instantly, I knew I wanted to explore his mouth and nibble on his ear. I wanted him breathing inside of me. I wanted to take this dance we were playing with each other and move it somewhere else.
The music felt so loud around me, but muffled from the beat that was pounding through my chest. He moved his hands down towards my inner thighs and I gasped as I heaved into him. I was throwing myself against him, desperately begging for more and giving him the signal. Fuck
, I wanted him bad. I haven’t felt like this in so long. I have never played with someone so hard to sleep with him. Most times, we would already be having sex by now, but this guy wanted me to feel the sensuality. He wanted me to feel something before he slipped inside of me. He was playing with me. I was pissed, yet intrigued.
Our bodies ignited something deep within each other sending sparks through my spine. He slowly pulled my neck to one side and while grinding against me,
he kissed me with ease. There was a contrast between the two movements. One was full of passion and desperate fury whereas the other was gentle as if he was taking the time to explore my body with the music. We were making love on the dance floor. No one else existed around us, it was just us. I had completely forgotten about Skye.
As we continued, my body started to melt into his and our movements glided together as if we were one entity moving with the beat of the music. Our bodies collided together with
lust and desire. Our dance was quickening and the song had changed a couple times now. I had lost track at how many songs had actually passed, but I was more concerned with the game we were playing. It was a game of cat and mouse where he pushed into me with desperation and desire, but pulled away with gentle ease and hesitancy. Could it be possible to fall in love with someone by just dancing with them?
It is bullshit, love is anyways, but if I could fall in love with someone by their dancing alone, I would be totally and completely head over heels for this guy.
His hands moved from my hips as his right hand glided up towards my stomach. I glanced down to make sure it was the same two hands on me before. That’s when I noticed the tattoo on his hand. His wrist was guarded with someone's name on it. It wasn’t noticeable at first, but when I caught a glimpse I saw it was a beautiful name written in script on his wrist.
Evelyn
Shit. Of course this guy would have some girls name tattooed on his body. I immediately snapped out of whatever I was feeling from earlier. Although I had a reputation for sleeping with guys, I valued the sanctity of relationships. I was definitely not a homewrecker. I envied those in relationships. They had it so easy. They had easy access to sex, love, and comfort. Something I never had nor was ever going to have.
I needed to find Skye. Now. I pushed him off me and could hear him yell
out to me, but I couldn’t make out what he was saying over the music. I was able to escape quickly because the crowd closed up around me with every step I took. I quickly dodged past groping couples and slutty girls. I pushed my way towards the VIP area.
“Shit Skye, I was af
raid I fucking left you,” I mumbled as I grabbed her into a big hug thankful. Phew, I didn’t feel like a horrible friend.
“Ew, Harp you are disgusting. You need a shower stat. Make it a cold one too.” She pulled me towards the exit. “I saw you dancing with that hot dude. Did you get his number?” I noticed my shirt was stuck to me from the heat and sweat I had just experienced on the dance floor. I knew parts of it were because it was hot in the center of the dance floor, but other parts were from the incredible hot moment I shared with “Evelyn’s man.”
Sigh. “No I didn’t, but whatever we did wasn’t just dancing Skye, it was amazing. I don’t know how to describe it.”
“I'm actually both shocked and impressed that you’re not banging him right now.”
“I was trying to find you,” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell her the real reason why I decided to leave him. “Plus, he had some girls name tattooed on his wrist.”
“That’s why you left him!? That could have been his mother
’s name for goodness sake.” She rolled her eyes as she pushed me into the limo. Everyone else must have gone home because it was just us in the limo. I wondered what happened to Jayson, but I think I remember him saying something about having to work in the morning.
“Ya know Harp, it
’s okay if you want to do more than just have sex with a guy?”
Well, this was coming
out of left field. “What’re you talking about?”
“You just were super moody today. You’re worth more than just having sex with guys.”
Skye was my best friend, but she had no idea what happened to me. She had once asked me why I just wanted to have sex with guys and nothing more. My response started out by telling her I was young and wanted to live life, but when she realized how many men I brought home and how little I saw of them afterwards, she wanted to know more.
“Daddy issues and all”
had always been my response with her. She never prodded for more when I would say this. It wasn’t true. I missed my family so much, but I couldn’t begin to talk about what had happened to me back in Chicago.
Skye turned towards the window and said, “I am impressed you and sexy club guy didn’t have a go at it tonight, could this be the start
of a new Harper?”
“No way, I just happen to love you a little more than any ole’ guy and I was worried you wound up dead in a sink or something.”
“Oh, I'm so glad you care enough about me to not let me die in a sink,” she uttered with much sarcasm in her voice.
We giggled and rode the rest of the way home in silence. As the limo pulled up towards my apartment, I was so ready for bed. It was much past 3am and I was absolutely exhausted.
“See ya tomorrow Harper,” Skye muttered as she was slowly drifting in and out of sleep, “Love ya.”
“Love ya too, S.”
I opened the door to my apartment, everything felt much too quiet and alone. Even with the amount of alcohol in my system, I felt burdened with despair as I entered the complete silence. Silence wasn’t good. It allowed thoughts to flow freely and I didn’t want to think, I just wanted to do. I picked up my phone and started to call one of the guys I know would come over at this hour. Just then, I noticed the note from the coffee shop crumpled up on the coffee table. I picked it up and saw Ryder’s words. It was so simple and he didn’t even sign it. I desperately wished that right now I could see him. Tell him how scared I am of being alone and just spend the night with him. I wanted desperately to sleep with him, just sleep in a bed with him.
What
was I thinking? I had to get these thoughts out of my head. This was becoming way too ridiculous. I hadn’t even talked to the guy and now I am fantasizing about not fucking him. Ugh. Love at first sight, I couldn’t believe in that kind of fairy tale--I just want to fuck him. It's lust at first sight. I will never give my heart away again. I peeled off my shirt and fell into my bed where I slept the most uninterrupted sleep of my life.
Weeks had passed since the night at the club and everything felt completely off balanced. I
felt like I was losing touch of who I was and what had I tried so hard to become. I was going through the motions of everyday living, but something had felt so forceful, so destructive. I couldn’t seem to shake that night at the club. I had felt something so different than I had in the past and it didn’t help that I couldn’t stop thinking of coffee shop guy.
I was numb from the rest of the world. I was losing touch with who I was and wh
at was important in my life. It was an unsettling feeling, something I couldn’t just shake away. I felt disinterested in things I normally enjoyed; like school.
I had spent these last couple weeks really just fading in and out of realty. Between school and hanging out with Skye I kept busy enough not to think about Ryder, the coffee shop guy. I didn’t understand why I kept thinking and obsessing over him. It was ridiculous to even have thought
s of him cross my mind again. I just need to fuck him and get it out of my system.
Skye wanted me to go out with her, but I always made some excuse to not go out and
ended up spending most nights alone and miserable. When I was alone, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had forced myself for so long to find men, to be attracted to them and to sleep with them to avoid living the pain I felt when I was alone. Luckily, school was finally at an end, I could only hope summer would turn over a new leaf. I couldn’t live like this anymore.
I was walking with
Skye in the middle of campus on the last day of school and while we were walking to the cars, she kept pursuing this idea of going out and going back to the club to try to see if I could find that man again.
“Babe, the only way you are going to stop moping around here is if you go out and find that mystery man again.” Skye said. I knew she was right, but
I couldn’t bring myself to go back there. I didn’t want to ruin that moment. I have never been so turned on before by just dancing.
“It was only dancing at that! I don’t know what's got you in such a funk. You haven’t had sex in like two weeks!” Skye exclaimed.
“I know! I really don’t get it either, it’s confusing me. I need a dick so bad too,” I lied to her because I didn’t want to explain the sudden change in my behavior.
“So come on! School is over tonight, we need to go out
.”
I sighed knowing she was probably right. I needed to snap out of this funk and I needed to find someone else to replace mystery man and coffee shop man. I didn’t understand how two men had made such an impact on me. This hasn’t been possible since…
Shit. I was really fucked up right now. I had tried too hard to put my past behind me. No way. This was it. I had to snap out of this and fix this problem I was having.