ShameLess (24 page)

“Oh my God! Ren!” Her mother is at her side, cradling her in her arms soothing her, and allowing her to cry. I watch the two of them, and my own heart aches for the mother I no longer have, but smiles for the one I see loving the love of my life so unconditionally. As I watch, it dawns on me the true power of a mother’s love. I can’t even comprehend what her mother must have gone through or the reasons why she chose the path she did for Ren and for herself.

The sound of someone clearing his throat jolts me from my thoughts. Next, I feel his presence before I hear him speak. “Uhmm, thank you.”

Devil!
I know it is
him
before I pivot my body toward him, seeing him face to face – again. Portions of me instantly want to chokehold the bastard for not telling me the truth when he initially made that deal with me. Other parts, well…they make me want to thank him because if he had not offered this opportunity, I would never have met his daughter.

“I love her,” I spit out, declaring aloud what is screaming for release from my mind, my body and my soul. It is important I tell him, of all people, regardless of his response. I think my sudden affirmation stuns him, and I know for hell’s sake that he wasn’t expecting it.

I suddenly jump to a defending position, “You do realize I will do anything to protect her. But, you should have told me what and who I was supposed to protect her from.”

As I am about to go on, with so much more I have to say, Ren is by my side. “Protect me?” She questions, confusion escorting her brows to rise with the horror of the night showing on her face.

“Well?” She continues probing with still noticeably shaky nerves, but then her mother is beside her father within a second. She motions us toward the patio table and chairs on the deck, to sit.

She interjects, “Perhaps we should all sit down. Seems we need to have that talk we’ve been avoiding for too long.”

She shoots her husband a look of ‘there is no alternative’, and begins leading the way. “You all go ahead. I’ll be back out in a sec. I have to grab something first,” Her dad offers, going inside the house. We follow Ren’s mom. Once we reach the patio set, we immediately take our seats.

Ren speaks up first, “What talk? And, what is going on? Obviously I need to know who this man is…was, and somehow I get the feeling that you know – that there is more. Dad?” She states, making direct eye contact with her father as he returns with a manila folder clenched in his hands, and takes the seat across from her.

“Sweetheart, the man who has been following you – who showed up here tonight – is a man from your mother’s past. When she was your age…”

He breaks off, grabs my mom’s hands in his own then places a loving kiss upon her wedding ring, and endures, “When she was about your age, she was walking back to her dorm after a night class. She was attacked. Ren, your mother was raped, beaten, and left to die by the hands of
that
man.” Again, he pauses.

Noticeably, he is struggling. Ren’s mom is silently fighting to maintain her composure. I watch as every muscle in his neck and forehead tighten before he takes a reflective breath, and goes on, “Lou Tisson was caught three months later, arrested and tried. He received a maximum sentence but received parole after only serving nearly seventy-five months. Upon his release, he disappeared.”

Ren’s mom sits upright in her chair, and still holding her husband’s hands, states through a very trembling tone, “Darling, what you need to know is…I mean, what your father is trying to tell you…”

Tears are streaming down her cheeks as he takes the manila file folder from her husband, and passes it across the table, letting it rest in front of Ren. Her lip is quivering more than the tremor of her tone, or the fear in her eyes.

After the time necessary for Ren to open and browse through the files, she cries out, “Oh my God! It’s true! What you’re both trying to say is that man is my real father?! He was telling the truth! I am going to be sick.”

She abruptly slides her chair backwards and stands up, “How could you? How could you not tell me this – before now? You lied! You’ve both been lying to me for all of these years! I am a rape baby?”

Seconds later, she turns to me and shouts, “And, you! You worked for my father. He hired you to protect me…from that man? I’m just some assignment to you! Oh my God, I’m such a fool! My whole life is a lie. It is one big fucking lie!!”

Huge streams of tears release, her body is trembling, and I can tell she is about to fall any second. Her knees begin to wobble beneath her, shaking the center of her entire being. Instinctively, I slide out of my own chair to take her, placing Ren in my arms.

“Bella, sit down. It’s okay. Please just sit down. Let them explain. Let me explain – pleassee,” I gently whisper in her ear, not certain whether she’ll tell me to go fuck myself or not. I have to calm her down. She’s been through so much and I don’t know how much more she can take. It breaks my heart in half to see her like this.

Pulling her down onto my lap, she doesn’t fight or resist. Her motion is semi-robotic, trancelike, and she is shaking violently. It is now or never, I figure, so I wrap my arms around her, trying desperately to stop the shakes.

I look at her dad, at her mom, and then lean into her placing my mouth next to her ear, “You have never nor ever will be an assignment to me. The day you saw me at the cemetery, was the day I fucked up. Only, it was later in the day, and after I had been drinking heavily. I started drinking while visiting my mom so by the time I left there I was pretty lit up on Beam. Some shit happened, and I was stopped. The arresting officer charged me with a DUI. It was my third offense, so per the three-strikes rule, I was ‘out’.”

I hesitate because this is the story – right? Only, I can’t find it in myself to go on…I can’t retell this same story and expect a different outcome. Remember, it’s now or never? This time, I’m going to get it right. Ren is ‘right’ for me. She deserves all I have to give.

Taking a deep shallow breath, I start over. “When I left the cemetery I was not the one messed up. What I mean is, after I saw you walk away; I was sitting there talking to my mom when my dad showed up. He was already drunk and belligerent. I couldn’t let him drive. Dad refused for me to drive him anywhere. He was being the pompous ass I have known since my mom died.” I give Ren’s dad a quick glance before going on. “He was so drunk. I’d seen him drunk before but this time, it was bad. Before I knew it, he was hitting me. He was arguing with me, provoking me to fight him back. I didn’t. I just couldn’t. He nearly punched the shit out of me, hopped in the car, and sped off. The only thing I knew in that moment was I had to get him.”

Again, I pause.

I fight past the images flooding my mind of that day before resuming, “Remember how you told me about your friend, and how the pit of your stomach sank knowing she got behind the wheel and drove drunk? You said the only thing in your mind with your friend, Elle, was to get to her, and get her to pull over, remember. That is exactly how I felt, too, that day. I had to reach my dad. Regardless of how he has been or what he did, I had to get him out from behind that wheel. I jumped in my car and sped off after him. As I was following him, he approached that turn, but misjudged, slammed on his breaks and crashed through that fence. I didn’t know if he was dead or alive. I slammed on my own breaks, and fled from the car, after throwing it in park. He was hurt, but unconscious. I didn’t know what else to do. I panicked. Immediately, the only thing I could think of was to call my dad’s chauffeur, Larry, to meet us. When he arrived to get my dad, he also brought someone with him to get my car since it was the one undamaged. The only thing I cared about was that my dad was on his way home, and that I had to protect him. He was, and still is a drunk, Ren. He's trying to live with a broken heart. It took me a long time to figure that out. I couldn’t have my dad arrested. I couldn’t. He had already lost so much, and couldn’t risk losing the only thing he really has left – his business. Besides loving my mom, who he still mourns to this day, he loves his business. I had snagged my dad’s Beam bottle off the passenger side floor after I called Larry. I knew then what my option was. I downed it by the time the cops arrived. This time, like before, my dad blacked out and never even knew what happened.”

Ren twists around, and interrupts me by asking, “So, it wasn’t you? You were protecting your dad? Omigod! Are you a convict? You went to jail?” The flabbergasted look on her face sends me right back in time to seeing this exact same look on my dad’s face, and I want to shrivel up and die seeing it on hers.

A look of shame reappears on my face. I nod, acknowledging this partial truth that before today never really mattered. It does now. Seeing her eyes filled with potential disgust with me feels like someone stabbing me in the heart. I have too much to lose now. I refuse to bow to the familiar feeling that instilled in me by my father. No. I need to tell her everything.

She deserves to know. “Yes, I was protecting him. I’m sorry if you are hurt. I did not go to jail. Your dad kept me free, and dropped the charges. That is why I accepted his plea to help him by agreeing to keep an eye on you at school so he could focus on working the case without having to worry about you. He hired me to watch over and protect you. I failed him. I failed my dad. I failed you. I’m so sorry, baby. Please forgive me.”

Ren gives me a stare that is a combination of confusion, anger, and empathy. The mingling of honest, raw emotions stirring her already emotional state, alarms me. Ren shoots up off my lap and darts down the stairs of the porch, running full speed across the sand.

I stand up, yelling after her, “Star! Wait!” She never glances back.

Not. Once.

I drop to my knees and place my face in my palms. I told the truth so she could finally know the truth.

Her mother places her hand upon my shoulder. I didn’t even know she had stood, let alone walked over to me. The roaring sound of the ocean being alive, sending its rolling waves crashing into the shoreline becomes more deafening than the words she speaks, “Let her go. She just needs a little space and time to sort through this. The truth is out… now, she needs to face it, and then it is up to her to find herself. It’ll work out. Have faith. What is meant to be will always find a way.”

S’renaty

Life has a way of taking you on a roller coaster ride, sometimes causing your insides to twist and turn along with its loops, but it is your heart that accelerates and plummets on the journey.

It has been a few days now since that night. The night one guy dedicated a star in honor of our love, and each of our pasts that led us to each other. It is also the very same night where my life catapulted into a dark oblivion, and I lost all hope in the stars.

“Wake up, birthday girl! Rise and shine!” Jade yells while shaking me awake. The problem is that she does not realize that I have tossed and turned again last night, another night crying myself to a half-comatose state of sleep.

Without Stefan, I feel completely lost. I have not taken his calls, and am not returning his texts. I ran off. That is what I do. It is what I know best. Well, it was, until I met him. I did that to him, too.

“I’m awake. I don’t want to wake up. Let’s just cancel the party and forget this day, okay?” I state it decisively, in the course of a bleeding, broken heart, but I mean it.

I would rather forget this day, each day before it, and each day yet to come. Truly. I tug the covers up, tucking them under my chin, nestling into their warming folds. I know they are not going to give me the comfort I need or seek, but I try.

Jade’s persistence is non-relenting. “Come on, Ren! I’m so tired of your moping. I mean, I get it, I do. But, you won’t eat, and only want to sleep but don’t really even do that. You just lay here, drowning in your own misery. It’s your birthday for God’s sake! You are alive, and should be thankful you are here to have another day. Seriously. I am very thankful to still have you. I couldn’t think of the consequences of having the other night turn out differently. Debi is on her way here, so let’s get you up and at ‘em, birthday girl!” She rips the covers off, exposing my melancholy self. Knowing Jade, her attempt is with pure love, and I take no offense to her eagerness. Even still, I would rather not think of facing this day.
Ugh!