ShameLess (19 page)

We left the beach house, both knowing that what just happened had catapulted us into a new stage. We talked about it on the drive back. Stefan told me, “You are mine, Star. I expect you’re going to tell numb-nuts, right?” I knew he was right and knew that for the past months, they’ve both known I was seeing the other. Neither liked it, but was understanding and respectful, allowing me the needed time to come to a decision. I was also aware of what I needed to do so I replied, “Of course.” The rest of the drive was spent discussing how we felt, and surprisingly, he shared a new side of himself with me. This is the side of him I saw that day in the cemetery. I know it without question. This only reaffirms my decision to open myself up, share myself intimately, and invest in getting to know him even more.

Stefan dropped me off at the dorm later that same night. It was the best time of my entire life. I was beaming from ear to ear and I’m sure my heart was casting some iridescent light. When my feet hit the inside of our dorm room, Jade and Debi were sprawled out in the center of the floor with blankets under them and propped up on ‘boyfriend pillows’, those pillows for reading with arms rests. They were watching ‘Footloose’, one of the ‘80’s movies that all three of us love, and have watched countless times. If we aren’t watching that, then we’re watching ‘When Harry Met Sally’, ‘Pretty In Pink’, ‘An Officer and A Gentlemen’, or ‘Beaches’, which gets me every single time. I wouldn’t have Jade or Debi if it wouldn’t be for Elle teaching me about true friendship so every time I watch ‘Beaches’ and hear our song, I tear up, while my heart sings. It’s bittersweet for me, even now.

When I walked in, they put the movie on pause. “Holy Fuck! You slept with him. I can see it all over you.” Then, Jade turned to Debi, and both of them sat up straighter against their pillows. Debi said, “I guess you made a decision?” It was more of a question than a statement, even I know that. Although Debi is so incredibly sweet, she wouldn’t know how to be anything else but direct, so I know not to be offended by how she chose to say it. They are my friends, and they both know I’ve struggled to make a choice.

Jade leaped up while excitedly stating, “Tell us everything!” Of course I did’t. Some things are too private to share. I appeased them both by telling them little things, like how he was with me on the drive there, what we talked about, how playful we were during our run, and how he threw us both into the water, but never shared everything.

They both convinced me of what I already knew. I had to tell Tucker.

As they went back to watching their movie, I stepped out into the hall, slumped down onto the floor, and pulled my knees to my chest. I dialed his number. He answered right away, “Hey,” greeted me at the other end of the phone. “Hey,” I answered him, with apprehension in my voice. I’m sure he noticed, because he immediately asked, “What’s wrong Renny?” Ugh! There it was – ‘Renny’, but this time it didn’t hit me quite as hard.

This gave me a bit of strength to continue, “Tuck, listen, I can’t see you anymore. We can still be friends, if you want. But, we can’t see each other anymore, not like you want, anyway.” I blurted it out without reserve. In fact, it flew out with too much nerve that it nearly didn’t sound genuine.

A slight pause remained, before he finally said, “Well, honestly, I saw this coming. I saw you together one night, sitting in Starbucks reading. I watched the way you looked at him, and the way he looked at you. I knew you were seeing him while you were seeing me, but I guess I just hoped you would choose me. The only problem is…I don’t know if I can just be your friend, Ren.” Uh-oh! Now, it’s ‘Ren’. Shit just got real.

I sighed, then told him, “I get it, Tucker. I completely understand. I thought I could move on with you, but I can’t. I want you to know I did try. I did. It’s just, I see now that my moving on needs to be without you. I have to let you go to become ‘me’. That is who I am when I am with him. I’m sorry if that hurts you, truly, I am.”

A long pause occurred before he finally just said ‘good-bye’ in a low voice. Silence came next. As I sat there, I knew I had made the right decision; the right choice for me.

That was the last time I heard from him until a week ago. A whole week went by before the texts started coming in again. Jade thinks I should tell Stefan, and Debi agrees. I, on the other hand, know it would only make things worse. I should be able to diffuse Tucker, without involving Stefan. Right?

I dismiss all things Tucker to make a quick call to my mom, thanking her for the early birthday card, especially for the money inside. Two hundred dollars will come in handy with Jade and Debi planning my upcoming birthday party. It’s in honor of who we are as friends, or rather represents something the three of us love. Since my mom has been such a huge influence of my personal love of all things 80’s, and Elle and I used to absolutely love this era because of sharing it with my mom, I started sharing it all with Debi and Jade. To my surprise, Debi’s dad has done a few ad campaigns that highlighted 80’s related marketing stuff, so she was somewhat familiar with it already, and loved it just as much. We both introduced Jade. She wasn’t immediately sold, but now loves it, and perhaps more than we do, at times. The theme for my birthday party is appropriate, and surprisingly, Jade chose the theme. We are giggly like little school girls about to go all ham on all things ‘80’s, and that is such a chunk of who we are becoming together. Give me some
Billy Idol, Madonna, Bon Jovi, Michael Jackson, Poison, and White Snake.

Pulling the door shut behind me, my sole purpose is to get to the library in enough time to start writing this paper. The chilly frost of my past rises up to greet me, much like the cold, crisp air that slapped me awake this morning. It blows its reminder across my thoughts. No matter where life takes us, our past is never forgotten, it's part of what defines us and shapes us into who we are to become.

Stefan

After class, I can’t wait to get across campus to surprise Ren with the second book in the series she was telling me about that she was waiting to read. I know it’s still a few days until her birthday and the girls have been planning her party, but I just want to surprise her today with one of our favorite things we share, and one of her favorite things, period. A book.

The day that changed everything between us is also the day I allowed myself to open up to anyone in a long time. As we were driving and talking about our families, I did feel guilty for not being able to tell her the whole truth. The fact that I didn’t is because I couldn’t. Now, it nags me as if it’s a raging sea uncoiling like a python. The shame behind not being able to be honest with her is necessary. I need to protect her, and it’s easier to do this when we are spending so much time together. Her safety is first, even before the truth, especially when the truth may get her hurt. I would die before I let that happen.

As I listened to her opening up, I felt myself, despite this shame, opening up to her, too. Actually, I surprised myself by feeling so at ease, particularly telling her how my dad is never around and I pretty much spent most of my time with either my sister, Cass, or my best bud, Kirk. I feel comfortable around Ren. She is a wish come true for me. I’m so excited every single day to show her in every little way possible how much she means to me. Today is just one of those days.

Reaching her building, I lean against a thick redwood tree. Most of the leaves have been shed, and lay at my feet. Minutes later, she is walking out the door, and I see her. She doesn’t see me. I set off making my way over toward her, but only take a few steps before I see her going over to
him
! Instant anger boils within me.
What the fuck is this?
Before giving in to my uprising temper, I force myself to watch for a few minutes. I need to see if this is still going on.

No sooner does she walk up to him, he is pulling her in for a kiss.
That’s it, motherfucker!
Straighter back, tense muscles and balled fists intensify my fury. I don’t even hesitate. I stomp over, push her aside, and deck the fucker right in the jaw. I shoot her a ‘what the fuck’ stare, and stalk off, not feeling any better at all. In fact, I feel worse than I felt before. I am rather fucking devastated, if you want the whole truth!
What a fucking fool I was!

Turning to look over my shoulder isn’t even an option. I’m so damn pissed off, I feel like every fucking muscle in my body is going to explode. The one girl I give my heart to aside from loving my mother, and she smashes it to fucking pieces!

This heartache reminds me of the day my mom told me she was dying.

She wasn’t feeling good for a while. I knew, but was young and too caught up in hanging with my boys. We had just turned sixteen, and each of us took turns driving the circuit, looking for girls. If we weren’t doing that, we were crashing at one of our houses, playing video games on Xbox live.

That day hit me like a ton of bricks. She was standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes. I rarely ever saw her wash dishes. We have a housekeeper that we pay to do that, and if the housekeeper is off, we have a dishwasher. This particular day, she wasn’t relying on either and both of them were available to her. I entered the kitchen and grabbed a banana off the hook, and told her, “Heading to Kirk’s then we’re picking up Justin. Be home later, love ya,” but she stopped me.

“I need to talk to you. Can we sit down, please?” Her shaky voice alarmed, so I dropped the banana on the counter, and followed her to the breakfast nook table, where we each took a seat. “Stef, honey, I want you to know how much I love you. I will always love you.” She took my hands in hers before continuing as tears filled her eyes, “I, I, I went to the doctors. I found a lump on my breast. I received a call from their office last week, and it’s not good, honey. I have terminal cancer and am in stage four.” She pauses long enough to take a breath and wipe the fallen tears from her eyes. “They offered a lot of options, but in the end, the result will be the same. Treatments will only prolong my life, not give me life.”

Again, I sat there shocked. Mom broke eye contact with me, and continued with sorrow-filled eyes, and I knew instantly this was truly killing her to tell me this, “I’m not getting the treatment, Stef. I need you to respect my decision. I also need you to accept these last days or months we have together. But, I especially need you to never, ever, forget how special you are and how much I love you.”

She patted my hand, before giving each within the folds of her own hands a gentle hug. She continued as more tears slid from her eyes, “One day, you will meet someone. I may not be here, but I will be here….” She places her hand over my heart, and goes on, “When you need me, when you think you’ve found her, I will be here – always, here, for you, but let yourself be loved. Let yourself love her.”

Her words were a speeding freight train straight to hell for me. I prayed her soul would travel to heaven, but knew my own was in question after this. This was the day - that one significant life changing moment for me.

The next was the day she died. It was three months later. She was now in her bed full-time, and we had in-home healthcare around the clock for her. No matter what, we had someone available to us.

My dad was a wreck, but was trying so hard to be strong. “Suck it up, boy, that's life.” He later told me on more than one occasion. Cass went straight into ‘helper’ mode, trying desperately to help mom, me, dad, anyone else she felt needed helping, and this was her way of coping, I guess. “Just let me help you, Stefan. You can’t do this alone. Stop pushing me away.” She said too many times, I lost count. Me, well, I shut down. Period.

In her last moments, the nurse called us together telling us we needed to say our ‘good-byes’. “It’s time. Their ears are one of the last to leave them. Tell her how you feel. Let her know how much you’ll miss her, and love her. She can hear you.” Her words are one I will never forget. ‘Tell her how you feel…’ How can you do this? It isn’t even possible. Dad went in first, and came out wiping the tears from his eyes as he made his way downstairs. I later found out, he hit up the bottle in his office. Cass was next, and, of course, was a literal mess when she exited. She said, “She’s waiting on you, Stefan. You can go in now. Talk to her, Stefan. You don’t want to live with regrets. She needs you to tell her it’s okay for her to let go.”