ShameLess (16 page)

S’renaty

Running is always therapeutic for me. So, even after I release some emotional baggage on paper about where I am at with these two guys, the texts and hang up calls from some unknown number, being followed by a white van, and being attacked, I still feel the need to find some sort of relief, physically. I figure it’ll help clear the remaining cobwebs occupying my head, and my heart. I prefer to run anywhere, but the beach is my absolute favorite place on earth.

Since our family’s beach house is only a ten or fifteen minutes’ drive from campus, I’ll go there today instead of running the track, the treadmill at the student gym, or even the streets around the housing developments by the school. Jade is not in her bed so I assume she stayed with Ian. I dismiss the thought before slipping on a pair of yoga pants, a sports bra, t-shirt, and pull my hair up into a pony. I lace up my running sneaks, and grab a bottle of cold water from our small mini-fridge. I send a quick text off to my dad, letting him know I am heading to the beach house. I know he just returned from working a case out of town, but pray he isn’t home. I just don’t want that face-to-face time with him, and end up feeling guilty because I’m keeping shit from him.

He promptly responds,

‘K at office let Mags out ur mom dropped her off last night thx ly’

I smile after reading it because I miss Mags and haven’t seen her since the day mom drove me to school. I also laugh aloud because reading a text from my dad is so different from my mom. Mom is more technical, whereas dad is just; well…his words run all together without any punctuation. Personally, I have often thought the two would be reversed, especially since my mom isn’t the one that works outside of the home in a professional setting. Then again, my mom
is
the one that enforced my being articulate, using proper verbiage, and ensuring I didn’t slack at anything in life; especially English.

I text him back, asking,
‘Got her leash?’

Immediately, he texts back,
‘Yes on hook’

I grab my black Puma ‘Fitness Lux’ gym bag after cramming a change of clothes inside, and head out the door toward Jade’s car. It’s a sunny fall day as I make my way across the lot. I am thankful because it will make for a great morning for a run.
Thank God Jade let me borrow her car.

“Where are
yoouu
going?” I hear, but ignore it, not realizing it is intended for me. I keep strolling toward my car.

“Star! Wait up,” floats across the lot, more specific and with full intent, this time. Stefan is beside me before I even have any time to turn around or scan the parking lot. His little nickname started that day at Starbucks but he claims it actually started long before that. I internalize the smile in my heart hearing it fall from his lips.
Yes! This is definitely a perfect morning!

“Hey! Right back at’cha,” I offer, while pulling on my falling strap, securing it across my shoulder with one hand while fighting to maintain holding the car keys and my bottle of water in the other.

“What’re you doing here?” I ask.

Damn, he looks good today.
He leans in, giving me a quick peck on the cheek. When doesn’t he look good? I grin from ear to ear, turning my head to the side to look at him.

“Was hoping I’d catch you. I want to take you for breakfast, but I see you are going somewhere…gym? Here, give that to me.” He doesn’t wait for me to reply. He just reaches up and takes the bag from me.

He is so incredibly sugary and sweet. Sometimes, it’s so sickeningly sweet and I’m not used to it. I can tell it is genuine. He just has this way about him. There are times where I feel every little thing he does is intentional. There are other times over the past two months, where he just shows up like today, unexpectedly, and wants to whisk me away for breakfast. I have learned how incredibly thoughtful, kind, and spontaneous he really truly he is.

My heart smiles with the warm memory, especially with his current gesture. It's so typical of the guy I am getting to know. This particular memory provides confirmation for me as to why I wrote down more about Tucker in my notebook earlier than about Stefan. Clearly, my heart is only conflicted about
how
to handle Tucker, and not about being with Stefan. This sudden realization sparks more validation. I now identify with the fact that I actually have peace in my heart for Tucker. I forgive him. This
is
also the very reason why I couldn’t give him more of me, and why the past needs to remain in the past. I’m ready to move on.

“Heading to my dad’s beach house. I’m going for a run on the beach. Want to come? I’ll warn you now, you may not be able to keep up…I’m an intense runner,” I playfully wink at him, proving my point.

“You always underestimate me. You’re on!” He says as he playfully smacks my ass, laughing. “But, then you have to let me take you for breakfast. Deal?” He winks at me, this time. His winks gets me every single time.

What can I say? He is looking so darned irresistible in his cut-off grey sweats and ripped green t-shirt, with the ragged sleeves showcasing his tanned biceps! I want to scream out, ‘Hell yeah’, but refrain.

Since I am borrowing Jade’s car and already have her keys in my hand, instead, I say, “Deal! I’ll drive, get in.”

He quickly protests, “Ah, nooo…I’ll drive, you get in!”

I notice him looking my way, as he objects. Although, it doesn’t take but a second to fully comprehend he isn’t looking at me, he is eyeing over my shoulder past me at a white van, which sits by the curb across the street. I can’t be sure it’s the same white van that followed me to his apartment that day, but suddenly, Stefan is ushering me to his Jeep, and has the door open leading me to climb inside.

We have this cat-n-mouse, push-pull affect with each other. It can be annoying, but is highly addictive. This, I am learning, I like very much, too. There are times where he acts ‘strange’ so I don’t get alarmed right away. I just dismiss it, get in and take my seat.

He pulls out of the student lot leaving campus onto the main road. As he is in the process of making the left hand turn, I glance off to the right of me. The van by the curb has the entire side displaying the name, ‘Tisson’s Air Systems’. It seems out of place. Unexpectedly, a strong sense of uneasiness washes over me. This might be the same exact van. I stiffen in my seat as I inhale a quiet and deep breath. A worn-out looking man completely unshaven with scruffy hair is in the driver’s seat with his arm hanging out of the window. A lit cigarette is positioned between his left two fingers. He makes direct eye contact with me within the few brief seconds as we pass by him. It is a rapid transfer of prickly intensity. I dismiss it as promptly as those fleeting seconds pass.

Stefan has the top down so as we drive, the unusually cool fall air feels refreshing.
“Lost in You”
by Three Days Grace drifts between us, as its chorus reminds me that I want to know more about Stefan. Yes, we’ve been dating for months, but I want it all, the ‘rise and the fall’. It’s awesome just basking in the rayed heat of the sunshine, providing a great distraction in itself. I feel revived, invigorated, and eager to show Stefan the beach house, but even more excited to share the beach with him, in general. We’ve been talking about coming out here for a while now, ever since I first told him about it. Today will be the first time. I am so excited.

“So, ‘I want close to you. I want lost in you’.” He sings it to me, meaning every word. I smile, turning to look at him as he says, “I can’t believe we haven’t talked about your family. Tell me everything. What’s your family like? Any sisters or brothers?” Stefan reaches for my hand as he finishes asking me about my family.

Hmm, I am touched that he has an interest. Up until now, he hasn’t asked. It never bothered me. We’ve just always talked about so many other subjects from school, to upcoming projects one of us had due, to books we were reading, and even simple things like our favorite ice cream flavors, favorite colors, or songs, and even what our most annoying pet-peeves were. I immediately realize I haven’t taken the time to ask him, either.

“Well, my parents are still in love but they are separated right now. They still do things together, but they don’t live together. I mean, they never came out and announced it as being official, but my mom wouldn’t think to do that because it’d interfere with her social reputation. Anyway, my mom has our house. My dad stays at the beach house now but is hardly ever there. He travels for his work a lot, and that was part of the problem, I guess. Mom has told me that he is busy with work and the beach house is closer to his office, but I’m not stupid. I guess she figures I wouldn’t ask, and I haven’t.” I’m finding it hard to talk about the two people in my life who have always been there for me. Why? I suppose, speaking it aloud confirms the reality that my parents are technically separated. Saying it brands it ‘real’. I haven’t really shared it with anyone, until now.

Vulnerability is a powerful thing. By accepting weakness, it forces you to open yourself up. It supports the need to trust the other person, giving you strength. It dawns on me, I am opening up AND I am trusting Stefan in this very moment. In essence, it’s something I should be petrified to do after everything I’ve been through, but after actually saying it aloud and sharing it with him, I’m not afraid. I’m comfortable with him, and I don’t feel weak. He makes me feel stronger.

I guess he senses the change in me, he says, “Whatever works for them. Everyone handles things differently, Star. Everyone is a little bent.”

Without realizing during my self-epiphany that he took my hand in his, I welcome the gentle squeeze he offers. I flash him a ‘thank you’ with affirmation in my eyes. He lifts my hand up to his lips, places a soft kiss upon my palm, while he gives me a momentary glimpse of hope in his dark irises. He returns his eyes back to the road and then we ride a few moments in blissful silence.

Pulling my seatbelt out enough to allow me the space to comfortably turn my body toward him, I bend a knee under the other, and tell him, “Oh, and no, I don’t have any siblings. I’m sorry. I forgot you asked about that, too. Well, Elle was like my sister. That seems like a long time ago, now. What about you? I’m dying to know you.”

Foot-in-mouth…
Dammit! I haven’t told him about Elle. I hope he doesn’t ask…

Side-stepping my own carelessness, I quickly switch gears in our conversation. “C’mon, I’m waiting to know who gave you to me.” I hug his hand with my own, this time, encouraging him past the hesitancy I am detecting from him.

“Not much to tell, really. My dad works a lot, like yours. I never see him. And, my sis is married with her own life. Her husband is kind of cool, I guess. We deal with each other when we have to. I don’t get to see Cass much, but I think you would like her. She’d definitely like you.”

At once, the tone of his voice becomes more somber. I identify with more than the change in his voice. The tightening muscles in his neck tell me there is more he is not telling me. He only offers a little, so I don’t push, mostly because in this exact moment, we are nearing the beach house.

I shout, “The fourth house on the left. Just pull into the driveway.” I point at it, excited that we’ve arrived, and ecstatic for this present ‘gift’, as my pap would refer to it.

I hop out of the Jeep and take off into a full-blown sprint yelling over my shoulder, “Come on, slow poke. I told you that you wouldn’t be able to keep up.”

“You cheater! Oh, you’re going to pay for this move, Ren!” His demeanor is lighter, softer, than in the last few minutes of our time in the Jeep. I have my ‘cheese’ back. I smile, and release a laugh as he comes up behind me and smacks my ass – hard – and, takes off running past me.

“Ouch! That hurt!” I call after him, while I pump my arms forcing my legs to move faster. I love our playfulness. It is ‘us’, and I’m finding it more refreshing than anything I have ever been used to before or could possibly hope for in anyone else. It makes us…us.

A huge smile spreads across my entire soul. For the first time in a very long time, I feel a little bit stronger, so much happier, and am no longer spinning my heels. Even as I’m digging them into the grains of sand beneath me now, a renewed sense of self fills me. I feel empowered, and embrace it. I dig even deeper gritting down, and push on, sprinting right past Stefan. Now, I am definitely delighted!

“C’mon pussy! Catch up!” I egg him on…knowing it’s going to fuel him. I am laughing at myself, and at my boldness. I have never spoken to anyone like this but it’s hilarious to see the look of surprise on Stefan’s face, and I revel in my own newfound boldness. Who knew?

We run for quite some time up the coast side by side, taking in the beauty of being together forging footprints on the wet open sand, waves crashing beside us, splashing against our legs. Seagulls dive down into the water looking for their next meal hoping to snag a fish. Nature in all of its beauty is ours to enjoy. We do. Time seems to favor us as we merely run next to each other in perfect serenity with the salty breeze brushing against our skin, cooling us off.