ShameLess (18 page)

Bringing myself up, I kiss her breasts before giving her a kiss on her neck and her lips. The very second she bites my lip again I drive into her, while looking up at her, meeting her eye to eye. She groans, arching her back, and sending me further into her sweet recesses. We continue fueling our passion thrust for thrust. Again, she arches her back, lifting her hips, receiving my full hard cock. It is then that I hear her scream out my name, as she digs her nails into my skin. I continue to love her until we both meet our release.

I slide off, as Ren snuggles up to me, laying her head on my chest. My arm is around her and I pull her into me. No one has ever snuggled me before; I never allowed it. With her, it feels effortless. I like her this close to me. I kiss the top of her head. Our first time is fucking perfect! That is until we’re interrupted by the sound of a dog barking and whimpering.
Dammit!!

“Shit! I forgot about Mags. That’s my dog. I have to let her out to pee. Shit, shit, shit! I can’t believe I forgot about Maggie.” Ren jumps out of my arms, and out of bed. She starts frantically looking around, and then says, “Shit! My bag is in your Jeep.” Then, she goes over to the dresser sitting across the room from where the bed is located. She jerks open a dresser drawer, digging out some clothes and hurriedly tugs them on.

She throws me a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, “Here, put these on. They should fit,” and just like that, our stolen moment is over. For now.

I change into the clothes she gave me, and luckily, they fit. I don’t want to know who they used to belong to. I can tell they are guy’s clothes. This burns through me, but I shove it down, not letting it fester.

I follow her outside, and lean over the deck railing, watching as the waves crash against the shore. I also steal a few glances of Ren as she plays with a now relieved dog. She is so cute, so perfect. Mags darts up the stairs and rushes over to me, tail wagging. She springs up, is panting, and her tongue hangs out of her mouth as I put my hands on her to begin petting her. I rub her all over before bending over to hug her.

“Oh my gosh! I can’t believe she is letting you love on her. She never lets just anyone pet her, let alone love on her.”

“I guess she likes being in my arms, too,” I tell her, pushing Mags down.

Mags plops down, curling at our feet as I pull Ren into my arms. “When I first met you, you mentioned ‘bitches drooling’. So, how ‘bout we don’t tell Mags that the only ‘drooling bitch’ I really want in my arms is you.”

I swat her ass friskily, as she rolls those amazing blue-greens at me and slaps my arm. I bring her to me and kiss her so hard she knows she’ll never really be my ‘bitch’ because I will never think of her like that. I also don’t want her to ever forget this day because I will never. Like the ocean before us, with its waves collapsing upon the shore, feelings have a way of barreling out of us, forcing us to face their strength. You can either choose to surrender, or surf. Ren has this effect on me. She makes me stronger. I promise myself to never let her go. In this moment, like no other before it, I choose to surf these waves.

S’renaty

2 weeks later

Crisp air slaps me wide-awake, and I am tremendously irritated that Jade did this to me, and that I’m forced to get up this way - again. She always leaves the damn window open.
Grr!

I climb out of bed to shut it. Instead of curling back in and snuggling beneath the covers, I release uninvited sighs thinking about my last conversation with Jade and Debi the other day. It was taxing for me, but necessary. We’ve been getting extremely close, hanging out when we haven’t been with our guys. The three of us have been inseparable; whether studying, grabbing meals at the cafeteria before or between classes, and shopping, among other things.

That particular day, we decided to just stay in, and order pizza. We gave each other facials, pedi’s, and then made some popcorn to munch on while talking.

As I was adding more cheddar cheese topping to my bowl of kettle corn, I had an instant feeling of fear; of loss. I knew immediately where it was stemming from, and recognizing it only made me want to address it aloud. I waited until Debi was finished telling Jade and I about her dinner date with Ian.

I interjected, “Both of you know I transferred here. What you don’t know is why.”

I took a shallow breath, “I killed my best friend. It was the night of our senior prom. I was dating Tucker, the guy who showed up here the night of the attack. Anyway, that night, we were all at an after party. I went to get Tuck a beer, but Elle’s boyfriend stopped me and forced himself on me. He kissed me just as Elle came around the corner. She was so upset; she just took off believing I had participated in returning the kiss. I didn’t. I would never have done that to her. I went after her, but she jumped in her car and sped off. Of course, I got in mine and raced after her. Suddenly, a storm was making it hard to see but a few feet in front of me. Eventually, after flashing her repeatedly, she did pull over. I did too. Just as I was about to get out and go sit with her in her car to talk, a huge semi rammed into us, knocking us over the mountain. Elle was killed. I. Killed. Her.”

Voicing it, recalling the vibrancy of that haunting night, and allowing the vulnerability, sharing it, gave me permission to finally release the years of pent up emotions.

I started crying and sobbing, but continued, after whimpering back more tears. “After that night, my parents hired me a tutor so I could graduate high school. Everyone that I thought was my friend turned on me. The texts were non-stop, and vicious. When I would run into anyone while out, even if only at the gas station or grocery store it was a living nightmare. Eventually, I did attempt going to a local college since I knew from before that a lot of kids were going elsewhere. They didn’t. Well, some didn’t. They attended the local college, too, and once they realized I did, the harassment continued. It got so bad, I finally transferred here, but not without my doctor’s consent and my parents approval. Before I came here, I finally went to see her. I went to her grave and brought myself to ‘let her go’. That day was one of the hardest of my life so far. I also lived for many years in shame over that night, over what happened to her, what she believed happened, and for what all of it did to my parents; to their social status, and to their marriage. Mostly, I felt so guilty that I reached a place where I began to believe the way I was tormented by others was something I deserved. I didn’t feel I deserved happiness until I met Stefan or even friends again until I met the two of you.”

I free a deep sigh, after spilling all of it with my head bowed and eyes lowered. Both girls stayed silent for a long time. In time, I heard them sniffling also. I raised my head to look at them.

Debi leaned over, taking my hand, "Oh Ren, it’s not your fault. You did NOT kill her. She made her own choice that night to run off without asking questions, and then got behind that wheel after drinking. You didn’t choose that for her, and you definitely didn’t handcuff her or hold a gun to her head.“

Jade reiterated, “No, Ren, Debi’s right. You sure as hell didn’t kill her!”

She put her hand on top of ours, and resumed, “Ren, I can’t believe you’ve been carrying all of this around inside of you. You have to know that this is not your fault, right? I’m so sorry you lost your friend. No one should have to go through this. No. One. And you didn’t deserve to be tormented by those assholes from your high school. God! I can’t believe they treated you this way, especially since they all knew your dad works for the FBI. What fucking idiots!”

Jade’s voice became crackly, and she looked at both Debi and me, “My God, Ren, I don’t even know what to say. I’m so sorry.”

Debi wiped her tears away, “I am too. I wish I could take away all of the pain you’ve been feeling, and the damn guilt. You don’t deserve any of this, Ren. Always know, no matter what, we are here for you.”

She pulled me to her, along with Jade, and the three of us embraced, hugging for a long, long time. Pure silence filled the room as long-lost peace found its way into my heart. For the first time, I allowed myself to feel something other than shame, pain, or loss.

I glance at the window, seeing my reflection staring back at me. I give myself some time to take in the girl mirroring me in the glass. I offer her a partial smile and thumbs up, knowing Jade and Debi are right. I’m not to blame.

I feel liberated as I walk across the room to turn on the single-serve Keurig mini my mom bought me. I choose my flavor of the day, insert the K-cup, then traipse off to take care of my morning ablutions with lightness in my step.

On my way back to make my coffee, a cool leftover breeze from the opened window catches my cheek. Chills run over me. Right about now, I am missing Stefan and really wish I had stayed the night with him. He’s like a heater, and I could use the warmth
. Brrr!

For the past two weeks, I have been staying with him more than I have been here. Jade is still seeing Ian so she has been floating between there and here, so I never know when I am going to catch up with her next. Lately, we keep in touch via text but last night she stayed here, which is the only reason I did, too. We ended up staying up late just catching up, and it was great!

Right now, though, if she were here instead of at her eight a.m. class, I would pillow-smack her!
Ugh!
She has to remember to shut the damn window!

As I wait for my pumpkin spice to brew, I receive an incoming text. It’s from Stefan. My heart immediately somersaults, and soars.

My cheesy:
“Morning beautiful”

Me:
“U2. Miss me?”

My cheesy:
“U bet. Cya l8r?”

Me:
“Yes. When? I miss u”

My cheesy:
“When ur not expecting me”

Me:
“Never”

I lay my phone down on top of the small shelving unit with a huge grin spreading across my face. The top, our makeshift counter, houses my coffee brewer, sugar container, and mugs. Below is where I keep all of my books. I’m content with coffee and books so why not house them together?

I wish I had time to read this morning since fall mornings are the absolute perfect time to curl up under a blanket with a great book. I know I have to head to the library to study instead. I have a twenty-page Psych paper I’ve been putting off and need to get the outline done. It would be ideal if I pushed myself to pull together some valuable sources, too.

I stir the sugar into my coffee, and bend down to go through my books, just in case I can fit in a little reading time. I’m a great student – I’m getting really good at believing in hope! I’m shuffling my eyes between each title, seeing which one jumps out at me first. My cell phone chimes. Thinking its Stefan again, I reach up, and grab it from above.

It is Tucker.
Fuck!

Tucker:
“Morning”

Me:
“U2”

Tucker:
“C U l8tr?”

Me:
“No can do”

Tucker:
“Make time”

Me:
“Can’t, sorry”

Tucker:
“K”

It has been two weeks since I made my decision. Two weeks since I committed myself to Stefan. In all of these past weeks, there hasn’t been one day or one minute of any of those days where I’ve regretted my choice. I still don’t. Tucker just won’t let me go. I can’t bring myself to tell Stefan. He would hit the freaking roof. Honestly, I just don’t know what else to tell Tucker that I haven’t already said. I am pulled back in time, into the recesses of my mind, to the day I first told him: