ShameLess (10 page)

S’renaty

A waterfall of emotion falls from my eyes. Tears softly land upon my lap, quietly absorbing, and soaking into the fabric of my denim capris. Was trotting off, away from him the right thing to do? I know it is.
I think.
In this moment, I feel so vulnerable, alone and weak. The party was cool, in it is own way, but I also know, regardless of how much of an ass or crazy woman I just made myself look like when I ran out of those doors, I just ran away from the only guy that ever made my insides ignite. I’m sensitive. It could be the fact I’m so vulnerable being around guys anymore, especially after what Tucker did to me after the accident. He just believed all of the rumors, and stopped calling, blocked my number from his phone, and acted as though I didn’t exist.

After two years with him, he treated me as if I was nothing, and that I didn’t deserve to breathe the same air as him. What killed me most was how he started taunting me, too. Yeah, he did. I never felt so betrayed. To this day, I still can’t process doing that to someone you say you ‘love’. Love is not a flowery word. It should be more than that. I can tell my neighbor I ‘love’ them, but if my actions don’t prove it, it’s just meaningless. When they tell you they ‘love’ you, but betray you while stabbing a knife in your back, that’s the worst form of disrespect and is everything else but love. That kind of love is toxic. Tucker’s form of ‘love’ obviously held no value. If that is how he ‘loves’ someone, I am glad I don’t exist to him. I’m relieved to no longer have that form of toxicity in my life.

The longer I drive, the more webbed my thoughts become. I knew this would be difficult to come here and try to start over.
Damn! I miss Elle. I miss Tucker – how he used to be. I miss home – the security I feel there. I miss my Mom – my best friend through everything. Mostly, I know, I am now missing my life – as it once was – I am missing me!

And. What. The. Hell. Seeing Tucker at the party didn’t help. Shocked is an understatement! What was he even doing there? I fought hard to maintain my composure in front of Stefan, but I couldn’t hold back the pain as I was walking away from him. I tried. I pray he didn’t notice the sudden change in me. My entire body stiffened from the blow of that moment, of seeing Tucker
here
. I hope I was able to get out of there before Tucker saw me. I hope so. Seeing him stirred so much inside of me that I’ve been fighting to overcome. Seeing him was undeniably a shock-and-awe moment for me.

I made a vow to start over. I promised myself I wouldn’t allow myself to get close to anyone, or feel – ever – again! I mean, what harm could come from recognizing my failures, my mistakes, and accepting them at face value? I thought I was handling myself perfectly fine with Stefan. I felt I was holding my own, considering how vulnerable I was feeling inside. Part of my strength in that moment with him, I feel comes from reaching a point of acceptance…well, partially. I’m still working really hard to fully accept my past. I would’ve been able to do it so much easier if Tucker hadn’t shown up, shaken me to my core, and stunned the living shit out of my plans, and me! I may not be able to change the past or go back in time and fix any of it, but that’s the thing about time. There is always more of it, even though most days feel like there’s less. I’ll just restart right now, and begin anew. That was the plan, right? I mean, I did get a do-over. Why can’t I try to still be me – just a better, new and improved version?

I hadn’t thought of this before. Why hadn’t I? Oh god! The only thing that keeps making sense is that in order to change who I am into what I thought I needed to become is neither right nor wrong. A guy I just met has my head all kinds of crazy. I think I’m going nuts in every sense. Just maybe it can develop, at least into a friendship, maybe more? I do need friends. I do. New friends can’t include Tucker. Let’s pray he is only here at the party and it’s only for one night, and I won’t have to see him ever again.

I also pray I can avoid Stefan, at least until I feel a little bit stronger. Until I am able to be around him without being weak in the knees or have butterflies flitting around inside my stomach. For now, I’ll try to avoid him at all cost.

Exhausting sobs sojourn as I approach the student parking lot on campus. My face remains damp even though I feel lighter, and not as weighted down. Some things are starting to make more sense. I pull into a parking spot, turn off the ignition, and give myself a few minutes to soak in the words as Prince sounds throughout Jade’s car,
“Purple Rain, purple rain”.
As the melody glides through the interior, my body slips deeper into the comfort of my seat. Yep, another artist I love compliments of my mother’s impending influence, but one I’ll never tire of hearing, especially on reflective nights like this.

Slowly, I make my way across the asphalt with a lighter skip in my step from having acquired more certainty after sorting through some of my issues. I’m more positive and finding myself more carefree than I’ve been in quite a long time. It is a refreshing approach. I actually can hear my pap’s voice right after I awoke at home after the accident, after learning of Elle.

During his visit, he told me, “Live like you are dying, Ren. Read the good book, give forgiveness, be a friend, love like you have eternity but as if today is your last day on earth. Make sure you do two things for someone else, and one thing for yourself per day, per week or per month. Know everything in life happens because it is meant to happen. There is no underlying message, no secret code. There will always be a lesson to learn, and a chance to ‘dance’. Each day is a gift, especially each tomorrow. Be sure to handle each one with care. There are no guarantees. Ask yourself, “What will you do with it?” Never stop asking yourself this, no matter your age.”

His words, like his favorite Tim McGraw song,
“Live Like You Are Dying”
, now resonate within me.

"Someday I hope you get the chance

To live like you were dying

Like tomorrow was a gift

And you've got eternity…”

I have always loved this particular part of this song every time I have ever listened to it with him. It always reminds me of truth, love, and the simple fact that life truly is a rare gift. No one is guaranteed a free pass or a new tomorrow. The meaning is strong, deep and true. It reminds me of the words my pap always shared with me, which are also wise since my pap has always been an exceptionally wise man. Reflecting upon them now, in this moment, has his frail voice vibrating within my heart. We lost him last year. He fell asleep and never woke up. I honestly believe he died of a broken heart from losing my nana. No one else will admit it, though. He always seized each day, but even he was not guaranteed a new one. Just like that, we no longer had him. I really have tried to remember his advice these past few years, even though it’s been so hard. I hope I never allow myself to lose the whisper of his loving voice in my heart.
What will I do with it?

Suddenly, I am startled from the thought. I hear a noise, and come to a complete stop right in my tracks. I swear I hear footsteps. As I look around, I don’t notice anything or anyone. In fact, it is eerily motionless, like the entire campus is abandoned. Although, it’s more like everyone is asleep or just partying elsewhere. It is dark, and it’s extremely quiet. Spookily quiet, actually. A shiver runs the entire length of my spine. I try shaking it off.

Feeling panic-stricken, I put a little more pep in my step making my way toward the main dorm door. I pull out my ID badge that has my security swipe card attached, so I can have it ready ahead of time. It must be my dad in me, I guess. He has taught me from an early age to always pay attention and to be aware of my surroundings. Of course, he also taught me never to be alone in dark places, but for some reason here I am – alone.

“Keep a buddy system, Ren,” his voice vividly reminds me now that I’m truly a senseless fool for not listening to him. This was one of his strict conditions, after all, and I’m not obeying. I knew before going tonight Jade would stiff me for the dick. I’m quite angry with her, but I shake my head in dismay, trying harder to quiet the hair-raising feeling. I expect I’m just being overly cautious. Once more, I presume, it’s probably just my dad’s words influencing the situation, and carry on.

You know when a storm is brewing, how the smell of rain permeates the air, and a sense of the unexpected fills you up inside? The hair on the back of my neck may be prickling, chill-bumps may be forming, but I’m feeling silly for being overly acute. I keep hearing noises. I can’t shake the unnerving sense that someone is here. Watching me. Like black vultures circling overhead. A loud crack of thunder erupts!
Boom!
I jump!

I dodge between the raindrops as I’m only half way across the lot.
Great!
It’s as if the sky opened up. The drops collide against the rumbling thunder as it cracks against the black of night. Lightning strikes its assault more intensely than my own fear. I am running now trying to get inside as fast as I can. I can’t see through the heavy downpour. My hair is soaked, and I’m completely drenched.
Dammit!
Why did I let Jade talk me into wearing these heels? Pausing long enough to climb out of these shoes, it sounds and feels like I am on a crazy-train, full steam ahead. Tempestuous!

I am now in a full bare footed sprint, clutching onto the straps of my heels with curled fingers. I’m running for my life. Amid the storm, away from this rising anxiety and against the dead of the night, as fast as I can, I run. I don’t make it very far.

Shoved down with full force, I am lying face down. I’m face-planted on the asphalt, thrust right into a forming puddle. I cannot move. His entire body weight is crushing me with his knee digging into the center of my back. I think he is going to break my spine in half from how hard he is driving himself on my vertebrae. I gurgle past the water forcing itself into my mouth. I knew I heard something – someone!

As I lay here, many things swirl around in my mind. Again, I mainly hear my dad’s voice, shouting, “Fight, Ren! Turn over. Spin around and knee him. Remember, technique. Stay calm.” I take slow breaths, trying to calm myself. Rain continues to pelt against my back, and impending lightning threatens me even more.
Help me!
My mind screams out. Unheard.

He snatches a handful of my hair and begins smacking my head against the hard blacktop.
Help!
I release a loud scream during continuous beatings. Still, unheard.

Until, from somewhere out of the dark, I hear a male voice repeatedly shouting, “Hey!” Seconds later, another bark even louder slices through the air, “H-E-Y you! Stop! Let her go!” The inflection is increasingly sharp and piercing. It’s getting closer.

Suddenly, my attacker releases my hair and my face meets the asphalt. The heaviness pressed against my body lessens. Within a fraction of a second, he is off me. Then, it truly hits me – he’s actually off me!
Thank God!
He takes off running. I’m too weak to move as I can barely even focus my eyes to watch him fade into the night. Relieved he’s gone, I lay here, unmoving.

At once, my body is bundled; cradled. The body holding mine feels familiar, but I’m not entirely sure. The taste of blood in my mouth is making me nauseous, and my head is throbbing like hell. I keep my eyes closed. In fact, I’m afraid to open them just yet. I smell him. I will never forget his distinct scent. I recognize this cologne because I am the one that bought it for him. Well, not likely this exact bottle because we haven’t been together in two years, but it’s still the same exact scent. I. Picked. Out. For. Him. I snap my eyes open, as best as I can.

Tucker!

I cry. I cry because I was just attacked by someone I do not even know. I cry because I could not fight back. I cry because I probably would have died or ended up severely hurt had Tucker not shown up. Mostly, I cry because Tucker did show up. He is cradling me in his arms. He is really here.

The rain pelts down on both of us, but now is more refreshing and welcomed than before. Somehow, it feels cleansing, not threatening. The roar of the thunder is only a low rumble now, and the lightning has stopped. The downpour, still heavy, is now only a steady shower. The dark of the night is still the same – midnight black.

“Ren, holy shit! Are you okay? Who was that? Did you see his face? Do you know him?” He says, not even skipping a beat, as though time has never separated us, and he is still protecting me as usual as he used to do long ago. I am sobbing too hard. I can’t answer. I shake my head before allowing his arms to fully wrap around me, and I lose myself in remembering how they used to feel.

He quiets me by occasionally repeating, “Ssh” or “You’re alright now” pulling me closer to him, and smoothing my hair. He lets his upper body canopy over mine, shielding me from the rain. It’s not as if it matters, I am already drenched, but its tranquility feels warming. Battered and soaked, it doesn’t matter at all. I feel him. He is the one I hoped I would never see again, but he’s here. He saved me. Right now, that is the only thing that does matter.