Shadow of Perception (37 page)

“Not anytime soon,” he answered. “But you are.”

No way to avoid the inevitable now.

Drawing in a deep breath, she leaned against the counter. She’d been dreading this discussion, but they’d made a pact to stop tiptoeing around the truth. Whether he loved her or not, they shared a special bond and he deserved to know her plans for the future. Only she didn’t quite know herself. Torn between loving Hudson and her career, she didn’t want to make a mistake, or lose either opportunity.

“At the end of the month,” she finally said. “What does ‘not anytime soon’ mean?”

He lifted a shoulder. “I’ve been thinking about getting out of the city, maybe buying a house.”

Hudson would move to the suburbs? Good Lord, did he plan on trading in his Trans Am for a minivan, too? “What about CORE?”

Another shrug. “I love my job, but sometimes I get tired of dead bodies and bad guys. Sometimes I think that I just want to work a boring eight to five office job, then come home to a house on a quiet street and mow the lawn.”

Shocked into silence, she stared at him. With his shaggy hair, beard stubble, and worn jeans, she couldn’t imagine Hudson sitting in an office cubical or BSing around the water cooler.
 

“I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. But what about you?” he asked. “Do you ever think about what it would be like to live a quieter, less chaotic life?”

“No,” she answered honestly. “I did the small town thing, and have no desire to go back.”

Living in Wissota Falls had been unbearable and boring, even before the rape. With no diversity, no museums, concert halls, swanky restaurants…shopping, she hated small town life. When she’d had the chance to leave, she chose Chicago—the polar opposite of Wissota Falls. Here, she’d found herself, her career. Damn, even the man she loved.

“I understand,” he said. “So, are you nervous about the new job?”

“A little. I’m more nervous about the move. I haven’t spent much time in New York and don’t know my way around. I’ll probably have to carry a map and look like a tourist for the first few years I live there.”

“You’re one of the smartest women I know. I have no doubt you’ll do just fine.”
 

She smiled. “Yeah, I’ll be fine,” she said, then turned around and reached for another egg.
 

Before she cracked the egg, Hudson’s strong arms surrounded her. He pressed her back against his chest, and she leaned against him. She loved when he held her, loved knowing that when she was emotionally exhausted or physically drained, he would be there to give her strength. After years of living on her own, and depending on only herself, she hadn’t realized the thrill, the joy of having someone she could depend upon. She’d realized that it was okay to lean on a friend, and even relinquish some control.
 

After the rape, control had become very important to her. That night, and during the weeks and months that had followed, she hadn’t had the power to fight her attackers or their continuous taunts. She’d become an introvert, and had hidden behind a fragile shell, until the end of that school year, when all of her tormentors had left town for either college or the military. She still had one more year of high school, and had understood that if she wanted to escape, she needed to grow a backbone and create a career plan. By the time she prepared to leave for Chicago to attend Northwestern University, she’d not only gained total control of her future, but the utter powerlessness, the vulnerability she’d once endured, had abated. For some reason, though, as she leaned into Hudson’s strong arms, those feelings she’d thought no longer existed, began to surface.

Telling him she loved him, that she didn’t want to leave him, would leave her vulnerable, especially if he didn’t return her love. She obviously couldn’t control his emotions, and had a hard enough time trying to manage her own. As for being powerless…she could change her future. She could stay in Chicago and forego the Network job. She had that power. But what if she stayed and their relationship failed? Or what if she stayed, their relationship blossomed, and Hudson decided to quit CORE and move to the suburbs? Living in the burbs, doing yard work, dealing with soccer moms and nosey neighbors, didn’t appeal to her in the least. Not that she wouldn’t consider having Hudson’s kids, but when she pictured a future with children, she’d always pictured a life in the city, too.

She hadn’t even told Hudson she loved him, and she was already trying to dissect the future of their children. And Hudson considered her smart. If only he knew. She should stop being a wimp and just tell him. Drawing a deep breath, she decided she’d blurt everything out and tell him the truth.
 

Before she opened her mouth, he rubbed a hand along her arm, kissed the top of her head, then turned her. His eyes unreadable, he held her hands, and said, “When I heard about the Network job…I was so proud of you. You set out to achieve something, and you did it.” He looked away. “At the same time, I felt…selfish. I didn’t …I don’t want you to go. But I’d never do anything to stop you.”
 

When he met her gaze, the fierce determination in his eyes stole her breath. For the first time, she honestly believed he did love her. She knew Hudson, knew and understood the man behind the dominating, and sometimes arrogant, veneer. He would never sway her decision, not because he didn’t want her around, but because it was
her
choice. And it was a choice she didn’t want to make.
 

Tears welled in her eyes. She dropped her gaze to his chest, gripped the front of his shirt and fisted the material. “I’m feeling pretty selfish, too. I want the job.” She rested her forehead on his chest. “But I need you.”

He tipped her chin, and with the pad of his thumb, swiped a tear from her cheek. With apprehension in his eyes, he cupped her face. “What are you telling me?”

Heart beating fast, stomach somersaulting, she laid her hands on his, and said, “I love you.”

His gaze turned molten as he crushed his lips to hers. Holding her tight, he kissed her. With intensity. With passion. She met each stroke of his tongue and clung to him, as if this might be one of their final moments together.
 

Breaking for air, she placed open-mouthed kisses along his jaw, then gripped his shoulders. “I don’t know what to do.”
 

“Shh,” he soothed. “We’ll figure this out together. We…you, don’t have to make any major decisions just yet. Who knows? You might get fired on the first day, and be back in Chicago on the next flight.”

Laughing, she hugged him again. “You’re right. I might not even like having my own show. Or the series could flop and get cancelled.”

“What have you done about your townhouse?” he asked.

In need of a tissue, she stepped away from him and grabbed a napkin from the cabinet. “I have a real estate agent, but I haven’t returned any of her phone calls.”

“Maybe you should think about leasing instead of selling. Just in case.”

“I hadn’t thought about that,” she said as she tossed the napkin in the garbage, then washed her hands. “I didn’t plan on buying anything in New York right away. As it is, the real estate agent in New York is having a hard time finding me something suitable, as well as dog and cat friendly. Leasing my townhouse might be a good option.”

Her heart lightened with hope and optimism. Maybe they could, somehow, make this work between them after all. Everything didn’t have to be black and white, and set in stone. Hudson was right. She might hate New York, or even her new job.
 

“I can keep Fabio and Brutal for you until you get settled,” he suggested.

With a few quick steps, she fell into his arms, then gave him a soft, lingering kiss. Taking a step back, she smiled. “I’ll need to visit my babies. And if I lease the townhouse, I’ll need a place to stay.”

Grabbing her rear, he hauled her to his chest. “I have a pullout couch in the living room.”

She twined her arms around his neck. “How generous of you, but I think I’d rather sleep in your bed.”

“The pullout’s for your animals, because we’ll be doing more than sleeping in my bed.”

Rising on her tiptoes, she brushed her lips along his, then murmured, “Sounds x-rated.”

 
His mouth curved into a smile. “
Very
x-rated. Maybe after we eat I’ll give you an example…or three.”

“Are you dropping a hint that you’re hungry?”

“For that omelet.”

“What about me?”

“Always.” He gave her rear a gentle squeeze. “But I didn’t want to sound predictable. Remember, I’ve already used that line today.”

After a quick kiss, she moved back to the counter, and reached for another egg. “I’m so glad we finally talked about my move. It’s been weighing on me.”

“Trust me. I’ve been thinking a lot about it, too.”

She cracked the egg into the bowl. “Maybe you’d like to come to New York with me next week? I mean, if we’re finished with this case.”

“I was hoping you’d ask me. And I’d go even if we haven’t caught the killer. Don’t forget, we still aren’t sure if there’s someone else involved.”

“You mean the phantom stalker,” she said, and looked over her shoulder. “Other than those few phone calls last month, and the word of a killer, there’s been no evidence that anyone is stalking me.”

“I agree. I wonder if maybe the killer brought up the stalker thing to help take some of the focus off of him.”

She nodded. “Good point. Still, maybe we should stick with this twenty-four/seven protection for a while. My animals would miss you if you left.”

“Just your animals?”

 
“Look at you fishing for an ego boost.”

“I know something that doesn’t need a boost,” he said, then nodded to his zipper. “Get it? I don’t need any enhancement.”

“Oh, I got it alright.” After wiping her hand on the dish towel, she tossed it at him. “I also just realized I should have never laughed at your first line. Now I’ll be forced to suffer—”

The doorbell rang.
 

He set the towel on the counter, gave her butt a pinch, then said, “I’d like toast with my omelet.”

Before she could throw the towel at him again, he left the room. Seconds later, she heard her sister’s voice from the foyer.
 

Damn it. Eden turned off the stove burner, then set the frying pan aside. She wasn’t in the mood to deal with Celeste, especially after their argument last night. She wanted to make things right with Celeste, and had for a long time. If only her sister would stop nagging and harping.
 

Then she remembered Hudson mentioning that Celeste wanted her to be the maid of honor. Maybe that’s why she’d stopped by tonight. And if that was the case, Eden needed to be the bigger person. Shove aside their differences, and support her sister. After finally discussing the move with Hudson, she might as well fix her family life, too.

When Celeste entered the room, Eden immediately pulled her into her arms. “Oh my God, Celeste, what happened?”

Sobs wracking her body, Celeste hugged her. “I’m so sorry.”

Eden leaned back, and held Celeste’s shoulders. “Is Dad okay?”

Celeste nodded, then waved her hand as she moved to the counter and ripped a paper towel from the roll. “Everyone’s fine.” She hiccupped. “Everyone but me,” she said, then blew her nose.

“I don’t understand. Is it the bakery?” She narrowed her eyes and thought about Celeste’s arrogant fiancé. “Did John do something to you?”

“God, no. He’s in the living room with Hudson.”

“Then what’s wrong? You’re kinda freaking me out.”

“Last night,” Celeste said, her chin trembling and fresh tears springing from her eyes. “I can’t get it out of my mind. How I treated you after you were just released from the hospital. How I treated Hudson.” She crumpled the paper towel. “I’m so sorry, Eden.”

Guilt crashed into Eden’s heart. “You aren’t the only one with regrets. I…haven’t been the best sister.”

“You’ve been fine. It’s me. I had no right to butt into your life. Last night, after John and I left your place, I called Will and told him about our fight. You know what he said?”

Eden shook her head as she grabbed a napkin from the cabinet, and handed it to her sister. If Celeste was going to keep blowing her nose, she wanted her to do it in comfort.

“He told me that I was wrong. That I needed to stop mothering you. What’s funny is that I didn’t even realize I was doing it. I’m sorry, E. I…I just worry about you and—”

Eden hugged her. “Stop. I know you’re just looking out for me. And I also know that I haven’t exactly been…forthcoming with regards to what’s going on in my life.”

Gripping Eden by the shoulders, Celeste leaned back and gave her a watery smile. “That’s an understatement. We used to be close. It seems like after I left for college, you wanted nothing to do with me. If I did something wrong, I’m sorry. Whatever it was would have been unintentional. I love you and would never do anything to hurt you, despite how I acted yesterday.”
 

Another wave of guilt surged through her as she stared at her sister. The rape had occurred two months after Celeste left to attend the University of Wisconsin. Celeste was right, Eden hadn’t wanted anything to do with her sister, or her mom, or anybody for that matter. The humiliation, the pain and misery from the rape, and the crude taunting afterward had forced her to withdraw from everyone. But Celeste had been an easy target for her anger. As their mom’s golden child, and so-called psychic, it had been easy to fault Celeste for not warning her about the rape. Stupid. Even as an adult, she knew the whole idea of resenting her sister for something Celeste couldn’t control was ridiculous.