Seer: Thrall (5 page)

"Do you want to expose this facility?"

She let me think about it. "I don't know, Solange. No, I guess not, but that doesn't mean I'm happy it exists. I wish you would close it."

"And do what with the people here?"

"Let the borderline cases go."

"And the rest?" she asked.

"Like the pedophiles?"

"Yes. How do you feel about the hunters?"

"Did Aubree hurt anyone they know?"

"No. Aubree never hurts anyone, not the way you mean. She's a hell of a lawyer though."

"Then let them rot," I said. "Could you release the borderline cases?"

"No. I will risk myself for you. I will not risk myself for them. I would be willing to discuss their treatment, but they remain bagged."

"Are they innocent and just stumbled into the wrong place and time?"

"There are no innocents here," Solange said. "I don't even consider you innocent, even with your explanation. But there are a few who didn't necessarily mean real harm."

"You should give those a gentle death. It's better than what you're currently doing to them. Solange, I don't like that this facility exists."

"What would you prefer I do with Aubree's hunters?"

"Kill them."

"And if I suggest I would rather keep them where they are, where they do me some good so that my voluntary donors are not over-stressed, what say you?"

I thought about it. "Solange, I wouldn't fight you. I might want to talk about it more. It's a lot to absorb. I won't divulge your facility. I won't be tempted unless you start taking innocents to fill the supply chain."

"And I would never do that, but I could be more aggressive taking the far from innocent."

"Like whom?"

"I don't know. Violent criminals, perhaps."

"Wall street bankers?"

She laughed, loudly. "I would, but they taste terrible."

I would have chuckled, but my heart wasn't ready to be that lifted.

"I'm serious, by the way. Vile."

"But violent drug dealers are okay?"

"Not always, but yes. But we're off track." She paused. "Am I a monster, Sidney?"

"I don't know anymore, Solange. Does it matter? You're going to do whatever you're going to do, and I've already agreed to help you."

"We're working on forgiveness, Sidney. We're working on rebuilding broken trust. Yes, it matters."

"I never betrayed you, Solange. I admit that I didn't know what I was going to do when I finally saw all those people. I may have decided to betray you. I may instead have gone home and asked you about it later. I might have gone searching for you to demand answers. I might have done something even more foolish, like try to free them. But I hadn't gotten that far."

"You're right," she said. "But you did betray my trust to break in."

"I begged you to tell me, Solange!" I said. "And I wasn't betraying your trust. I was doing what I thought I had to do to save you. I didn't know from what, and I still don't. But it wasn't betrayal." I paused and then spoke carefully. "I was helping you."

She considered me for a while. I returned her gaze. "All right," she said eventually. "I understand intellectually. Emotionally will take some time, but it will catch up. But now you've seen all this. You know what I am. And you are justifiably angry with me. If you didn't before, now you have real justification to betray me."

"Are you going to give me more cause than you already have?"

"I don't want to," she said, "but there will be restrictions. They may chafe. Would you consider them cause?"

I thought about it. "I don't know. I don't know what restrictions. Right now I'd agree to anything. We know that. But as you say, your restrictions might chafe."

She studied me. I lay in the bed, looking up at her. My emotions remained a mess. I was a shifting mix of angry, frightened, and frustrated. I also felt at least a glimmer of hope. And looking up at her, part of me desperately wanted her to forgive me, and for me to forgive her.

I realized after all this: I wanted her back. I didn't know how that would be possible, not after everything that had happened.

But anger and fear were the predominant emotions, and I would be damned if I was going to admit I wanted her, too.

I felt the binding restraints.

No, I wasn't forgiving her. That wasn't on the table. I was sure of it. She could rot in hell, for all I cared. If I had a stake and the strength to use it, I'd help her on the way.

"Solange," I said. "I know why you felt I did, but I haven't done a single thing to abuse your trust. You cannot say the same. Perhaps you were in a difficult position, but I am the aggrieved party. You can either trust me or kill me. I do not accept any other choice. I do not accept a life of captivity. I certainly do not accept getting put back where you left me for seven months."

"Sidney..."

"If you have not lied to me now, and if the old lies have stopped, and you do not abuse me, then I will not abuse your trust. I have a pretty good idea what it means to say that. I will accept reasonable precautions. Trust me or don't. If you don't, open that valve as widely as you can and let me bleed until I am dead."

She turned away, standing with her back to me for several minutes. "It's hard."

"Cry me a river," I said, sarcastically. "You can handle hard."

She kept her back to me for another five minutes. I closed my eyes and let her work it out. I didn't have anything else to say. Finally she began speaking. "Sidney, there's a war coming."

I opened my eyes. She was watching me. "Between whom?"

"Vampires and humans."

I thought about the implications. "And you want me to help the vampires."

"I want you to help me stop it."

"My dreams," I whispered. "Solange. That's what they were about."

"Yes."

"All this..." I said. "The last seven months. All of it was just to kick you in the pants enough to actually trust me. No, not to trust me. I'm not sure you're capable of trusting me. It was to kick you into asking for my help in spite of not trusting me, and if you would just have told me the truth when I begged you to, none of this would have been necessary."

"You're right."

I sighed. "Anything. Solange, anything. I'll help you stop this war, if I can." I thought further. "But I don't know how to dream about what you want," I added.

"Don't worry about that right now," she said. She paused. "Sidney, I don't know what to do."

I didn't think I would ever hear her utter those words. She was always so confident.

"Why not?" I finally asked.

"If I knew I could trust you, I would let you go back to your life. I can bind you so you can't disobey me, but it would be nearly impossible for you to go back to your business. You wouldn't have enough freedom of thought to do your job."

"If we're preventing a war, I don't think that matters, Solange." I paused, wondering if I truly believed what I was about to say. "If we're preventing a war, then I forgive everything that has happened, and I forgive whatever you must do so that I may help you. But whatever you end up doing is your fault, and I hope you feel guilty for it."

Yes, I was still angry.

"I want you to imagine something. Imagine you have had a dream where a particular well-meaning human is about to uncover something dangerous. You know that if you tell me, I might have to kill that human or perhaps move him here."

"He's an innocent?"

"As innocent as anyone else."

"Have you killed to hide yourself before?"

"Long ago. I can usually cloud someone's memories instead."

"Why didn't you do that with me?"

"I did. Three times. You kept having your dreams, and I couldn't keep up. You caught me with my fangs out twice, Sidney."

"I don't remember."

"Angry?"

"Yes, but not about that. You were protecting me."

"So, what would you do? Would you tell me your dream?"

"I might have misgivings," I said. "I'll share all my dreams, Solange."

"Every single one?" she asked.

"Yes."

"And after we prevent the war? What then?"

"Then..." I thought about it. "You're asking me to pick between vampires and humans."

"I'm asking you to pick between me and humans."

"You."

"And the secret?"

"And the secret," I said, but it took me a moment to decide. "Yes. Fine."

"Do you understand what would happen if humanity learned we were real?"

"How many vampires are monsters?"

"All of us."

"How many act like monsters?"

"It used to be we got away with it. Now we police our own. Those without control die. It still happens, but not as often as humans act like monsters."

"I won't tell. I'll help hide your secret."

"Even if an innocent will suffer?"

"That will be harder, Solange. I don't know. I would want you to find a way to prevent suffering."

"And when I can't?"

"I don't know."

She smiled.

"Why does that make you smile?"

"Because of course you should be suffering a moral dilemma. If you had offered unconditional support, it would be harder to trust you meant it."

"You trust me?"

"You have agreed to anything," she said.

"Yes, except going back to... I don't know what to call it. If you don't trust me, then I'll take that quick death you offered."

"If I take your will away as we discussed?"

"If it will stop a war, yes." I paused. "After we stop the war, unless you are absolutely sure I am happy, I want an easy death. You have to promise."

She studied me another minute, then nodded. "I'm going to take you home."

My hope soared. "Solange, have you forgiven me?"

"I think so," she said. "I think the bitterness is going to take time to fully fade."

"Please, Solange, I want to go home."

"My home, not yours."

"I understood," I said. "You don't trust me."

"You will remain bound when I am not with you."

"Of course I will," I said. "That's what trust is all about." It was said bitterly, but I felt hope take hold, anyway.

"I'm sorry, Sidney," she said, but I didn't think I believed her. "Maybe in time. Look into my eyes, and you'll sleep. I'll wake you when we get home."

And so I did.

When I woke, I was at first confused about where I was. I must have looked a little wild, as Solange said, "You're safe, Sidney." She caressed my face, and my eyes turned towards her. "You're home."

I looked around slowly. I was still in the hospital bed, and I was in my old bedroom in her house. I felt disappointed, but I shouldn't have. If she had taken me to her room, I probably would have been offended at the suggestion we were taking up where we had left off.

I shifted position, and I realized I wasn't restrained. I lifted an eyebrow. "You're trusting me?"

"I will replace the straps when you next sleep," she explained. "You're as weak as a kitten right now, but we aren't taking chances. When I do, I will also secure a paging device within reach of your hands. It will have a single button, and it will summon an attendant. This person has other duties, so she may not come instantly."

"Is this to be my life?" I asked. "Bound in this bed except when you decide to let me out to play?"

"No. Trust takes time, Sidney. We both have cause to distrust the other. I do not believe everything has fully registered with you. In spite of your vulnerable position, you haven't exactly been meek. I think there's quite a bit of anger still awaiting an outlet. I don't want to worry how you might express it." She paused. "There are rituals that bind you to me. I haven't decided how tightly that will be done. You will remain physically restrained until I have decided."

I considered what she said. I was tempted to lash out, but it wouldn't help my situation. But I couldn't let it go entirely. "I do not deserve this treatment."

She cocked her head. "Maybe not. But I believe you will agree this is a step up from your situation two days ago."

I was happy to be out of her blood bank, and so I nodded. "What if I need you?"

"You will tell her, and she will see if I am available."

I nodded more understanding.

She reached forward and clasped my chin. "I am going to be clear, Sidney. I am taking a big risk. There will be rules, and you will agree to follow them meticulously. I require absolute, steadfast loyalty from this moment, lasting the remainder of your days. Whether you like it or not, you are mine. Think about what that means."

She released my chin. We watched each other as I thought about she said. Finally I said, "I understand. I don't deserve your distrust, but I will never do anything to betray you."

"No," she said. "That is not good enough. Think about it again." Her gaze was intense, and I felt like I was under a microscope. I turned my face away, and she didn't chastise me again. But I turned back to look her in the eye when I responded.

"You will have my loyalty," I said. "I'm not sure exactly what that means, and it's going to take time to understand, I think, but you'll have my loyalty." I wasn't sure I really believed it. She hadn't treated me well, and while I was relieved I was no longer in her blood bank, I was angry at my treatment, hurt by the distrust, and feeling very vulnerable besides. I knew my position was precarious, and I knew she could put me back as easily as she had taken me out.

"There is only one answer to any moral dilemmas," she said. "Do you understand?"

"Not the specifics, but yes. I understand, Solange."

She smiled then reached up and caressed my cheek for a moment. "Sidney," she said. "There are rules."

"Yes, you just said that."

"You will tell me every dream, every detail of every dream."

"The real dreams," I said. "There are real dreams, and there are regular dreams, just like everyone else has."

"Vampires don't dream. I've forgotten what it's like." She paused. "You will do your therapy. You will otherwise lie in this bed and let your strength recover."

"I'm not going to get strong if you keep me in bed when you're not with me."

"There will be others assigned to manage you," she said. "You'll get the therapy and exercise you need."

"And you? Will you help me become strong? Or am I just another member of your household, an inconvenient one at that?"

"You would accept my help?"

"Yes."

"You are not an inconvenient member of the household, Sidney." She paused. "We're both still angry. There's a lot to work through. But I still love you."

I stared at her. She'd been willing to say it. I wasn't ready to yet. I didn't believe her, not after what she had done to me. I didn't know if I still loved her. I knew I hated her. Could I love her and hate her at the same time? I didn't know. I closed my eyes, and then I felt the tears begin again.

"Sidney," she said gently, "does that hurt so much, to be loved by a monster?"

I shook my head. "I'm so frightened, Solange. I don't understand what you're going to do to me. You have outlined a bleak existence for me. I don't believe your words. If you cared about me even the slightest amount, you would at least show guilt for destroying my life. And we have a war to fight besides, and so there are more reasons to be frightened."

"We have a war to prevent," she corrected.

I lay there, crying quietly. Finally I brushed the tears away. When I opened my eyes, Solange was watching me, her expression soft.

"I have a request."

"Yes?"

"I worked hard for the body I had. I'm not sure I have the self-discipline to get it back."

"You want me to enforce that?"

"Yes. Does it count as disloyalty if I fight you?"

She laughed lightly. "No. I'll drive you as hard as is healthy. Is that what you want?"

"It is tonight. It's not going to be when you're doing it. Will you forgive the bitching?"

"We'll see."

"You'll make time?" I looked away. I didn't want to say it out loud, but inside I knew. We weren't dating anymore. I didn't know what we were, or what we would become. But I was still angry, and I didn't know if I could forgive her. And she didn't trust me, so forgiving her wasn't going to be enough.

She laughed. "Sidney, I'm a vampire. I have all the time in the world."

I nodded then lay there quietly until I had another thought. I turned back to face her. "I do not agree to all your terms. I will help you prevent this war, if I can. I will live by your rules while we do so. If we are unable to prevent the war, then I will help you fight it. I will not help you destroy humanity. And when we are done, you will either release me or give me a gentle death. I do not deserve your distrust, Solange. Those are my terms. Take them or leave them."

She closed her eyes, but she nodded assent. It was several minutes later before she said, "It's time for you to sleep. The therapist comes tomorrow."

"Will you be here?"

"When she first comes."

"Does she know what you are?"

"Yes, but you shouldn't talk about that with anyone. If you have questions about it, ask me and only me."

She put her hands on the controls, and I nodded. She adjusted the bed, waited for me to get comfortable, then said, "This will be normal sleep. You may dream. If you have visions, press the pager and tell whomever comes you have had a dream. I will replace the straps once you are asleep. Now, look into my eyes."

I didn't argue with her but stared into her eyes. I was asleep a minute later.

* * * *

It was normal sleep, and I had dreams, but they were normal dreams. I probably should call them nightmares, leftover from the stress and fear, and I woke whimpering once or twice. The first time, I could immediately tell I was bound in the bed. I had been expecting it, but it still hurt that she didn't trust me.

And then I slept, and woke again, and then slept.

The next time I woke, it was to the feel of hands on my ankles, and I woke with a start. I screamed, at first a wordless scream before I saw the man.

"Don't touch me!" I yelled. "Get your hands off me!"

He had jumped when I began screaming, and he backed away, holding both his hands up. "Ms. Welsh," he said. "Calm down. It's only Thomas. I am to attend to your needs this morning."

I should have recognized him, but he had startled me.

At that moment, there was a whoosh, and then from one blink to the next, Solange was there, wrapping her arms around the man, pulling him further away from me. He didn't struggle, and then everyone was still.

"Ms. Casper," the man said. "I believe I startled her."

"What were you doing to her?" Solange hissed. "She is MINE!"

My heart was pounding, but suddenly I was embarrassed.

"Solange," I said, panting. "It was my fault. He didn't do anything wrong."

"What were you doing, Thomas?" Solange asked again.

"I was releasing her and was going to feed her breakfast next." He gestured, and when I looked, I saw a tray of food sitting on a side table. "I am sorry. I didn't mean to frighten her."

Solange slowly loosened her arms.

"I'm sorry, Solange," I said. "I woke and felt hands touching me, and when I looked, a man was standing over me. I'm sorry."

She moved to the side of my bed and smoothed my forehead. "It's all right. Just a misunderstanding." I nodded agreement. "For the future, tell Thomas how he should wake you, or do you need me to find a female to attend to you?"

"Why did you pick Thomas?"

"He is big and strong, and when you need help..." she trailed off.

I looked around her. "I'm sorry, Thomas."

"As am I, Ms. Welsh."

I looked at Solange. "Does he have to call me that?"

"Formality is best, at least until we fully determine your status here. Would you prefer if I feed you, or if Thomas does?"

"You, if you don't mind, but if you're freeing my hands, can't I feed myself?"

"Frankly, I doubt it." She smiled wryly then looked over her shoulder. "I'll see to her this morning, Thomas. When Ms. Norquist arrives, please show her in."

"Yes, Ms. Casper," he said. He backed out of the room, and his footsteps faded.

Solange turned back to me. "Are you all right?"

My heart was just finally slowing down. "Sudden way to wake up," I said. "That hurts. But I'm fine." Relatively speaking, anyway.

She nodded then moved down to the foot of the bed. Thomas had one foot half released. Solange worked slowly to free my legs. I tried to draw my knees up, but that was too much work. Solange moved to my side again and worked to release my arms. I was stiff, and I struggled to roll onto my side the moment I was free.

"Lie still," she ordered. I froze instantly. "What are you trying to do?"

"I'm stiff."

"Until you're strong enough to use the bathroom, you're still. Um."

"Plumbed?" I supplied.

"Yes," she said. "Let me help you."

She moved to the other side, and working together, we rolled me onto my side. I curled into a fetal position and lay there, not talking.

"Are you all right, Sidney?" she asked again.

I wasn't, and I didn't think I would be for a long time. "Yes, Solange. Just stiff and weak. I'm sorry. You can feed me in a minute. I know you have things to do."

"Don't worry about that. Yes, I have things to do, but they will wait."

My eyes were closed, but I opened them and looked up at her. I wanted comforting, but I didn't know if I could ask.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

She narrowed her eyes.

"Wait," I said. "Nothing is wrong you don't already know about. I am feeling vulnerable and want to ask you to comfort me, but I don't want comfort if you don't want to give it. I think you're still mad at me, and I wonder if watching me suffer a little doesn't please you."

"Oh Sidney," she said. "I'm not still mad at you. What would feel good?"

"Nothing," I replied. "Forget I mentioned it."

"Did you want me to hold you? What would feel good?"

"Would you rub my back?"

She answered with her hands. Her touch felt good, and I found myself zoning out, the last of my earlier fright receding. After a while, she leaned over and said, "I like doing this, but I need to feed you so you're ready for the therapist."

I opened my eyes. "Thank you, Solange. That felt very good." I turned my head, and we looked into each other's eyes. "I don't know how much I am supposed to tell you."

"What do you mean?"

"You asked earlier what is wrong."

"Oh. I need to know, Sidney."

"I am feeling emotionally vulnerable and very needy. I'm scared. I don't know what is going to happen. I had nightmares all night, and waking up restrained in bed doesn't help." I hoped she would feel guilty about that.

"We'll work it out," she said. "You don't need to be frightened, as long as you remain loyal to me."

I didn't believe her, but I wasn't going to say that. "I'm not worried about that anymore," I said. "But." I closed my eyes and faced forward again. "I'm feeling very needy," I repeated. "Before..."